Stupid things people have actually said to you.

[Mark Taylor]

A work colleague, viewing some of my photographs on a tiny smartphone screen: "Wow, these are great photographs, you must have a really good camera!" 

---

After having a perfectly reasonable conversation with a customer about their personal pension plan, the conversation proceeds in a slightly bizarre direction:

Customer: Thanks. Also, I have a policy with <well known insurance company>, I need to ask you some questions about it.

Me: I'm sorry sir, I can't really help you, it's a different company.

Customer: No, but I just have some questions, it won't take long.

Me: It's a policy with a different company sir, I can't tell you anything about it.

Customer: It doesn't matter, you can bring it up on your computer screen.

Me: Err, no I can't.

Customer: Why not?

Me: We don't have any access to policies with other companies, sir. You will have to phone them direct.

Customer (angrily): Okay, well, thanks for nothing then! (hangs up).

[Mark Taylor]

Also, one I just remembered, in a certain well known chain store that happens to stock a range of plastic storage boxes.

Me: I need a box to store some old 12 inch LPs.

Assistant: Okay, how large are they?

[JamesC]

My dad used to work in a local hardware shop and was once famously asked: 'Will this hose reach to the end of my garden?'

His response was 'Go away, think about what you've just said and then come back to me'.

[Tiplodocus]

Magnificent.  Reminds me of my father-in-law who can't drive past a 'Heavy Plant Crossing' sign without shouting 'look out, Triffids!'.

This was a favourite in my family too. Right up there with complaining at the lack of variety at the zoo as every enclosure was labelled "These animals are dangerous." [Pronounced to rhyme with the boxing marsupial.]

Stop taking MY family anecdotes to use as your own!

[JayzusB.Christ]

Magnificent.  Reminds me of my father-in-law who can't drive past a 'Heavy Plant Crossing' sign without shouting 'look out, Triffids!'.

This was a favourite in my family too. Right up there with complaining at the lack of variety at the zoo as every enclosure was labelled "These animals are dangerous." [Pronounced to rhyme with the boxing marsupial.]

Stop taking MY family anecdotes to use as your own!

And mine...

[Rog69]

I was on a training course last week and the instructor noticed a 3d cad model of a dragon skull on my laptop screen. He asked if it was a scan of a real skull or just something made in a cad package  .

[Emp]

Overheard several women talking in work today about the egg throwing incident on BGT, when one of them asked the following.

"Were they cooked?"

Why this was of concern I still can't work out!

Mind you the same woman when using the phonetic alphabet today decided on "x for xylophone

[Mardroid]

Overheard several women talking in work today about the egg throwing incident on BGT, when one of them asked the following.

"Were they cooked?"

Why this was of concern I still can't work out!

Maybe she was worried poor Simon got a bruise.

(Yes, I watched it. I don't usually, but I was at a friends out and they wanted to watch it. Not that it was bad to watch. I quite liked the ventriloquist.)

[Taryn Tailz]

Heard by me whilst queing in Edinburgh Waverly branch of Burger King.

Customer: Can I have some brown sauce please?

Staff: Sorry we've ran out.

Customer: Do you have any tomato sauce?

Staff: Yep, here you go.

Customer: I don't want any tomato sauce.

Staff (to me after customer had left): Why ask then?

[JamesC]

Couple of classics from our cleaner at work.

Telling a joke -

'There was this woman and she was waiting for a lift...no, hang on,that's wrong...it wasn't a woman and she wasn't waiting for a lift'.

A general inquiry -

'James, you like things don't you'



I like some things - less keen on others!

[Richmond Clements]

Just been listening to Tommy Robinson of the EDL doing a phone in on the Asian Network and now have far too many stupid things someone has said to report...

[Hawkmumbler]

Just been listening to Tommy Robinson of the EDL doing a phone in on the Asian Network and now have far too many stupid things someone has said to report...

Oh aye. Mind bendingly simple, that "chap" be.

[Sideshow Bob]

My daughter and her ( now ) husband, were out hill-walking last year,  up to the top of Ben Lomond ( in  Scotland )...
After about an hours' walk she began to get really tired,  and said......
" Is it uphill all the way to the top ???  "...

[TordelBack]

" Is it uphill all the way to the top ???  "...

Oh I've been up plenty of mountains that were uphill, then downhill, then uphill, then downhill, then uphill etc.  The worst kind.

[House of Usher]

At an examiners' meeting....

Me: I'm applying for secondary school teaching jobs.
Teacher: What are you doing now?
Me: I'm a home tutor.
Teacher: Oh! That must be really nice.
Me: It is, but it doesn't pay well. I'd like to earn twice as much as I earn from home tutoring.
Teacher: [incredulous] So why do you want to be a school teacher???
Me: Because if I were a school teacher I'd be earning twice what I earn now.


And she's the school teacher. Your kids' education is in very safe hands. Really.