The Black Dog Thread

[paddykafka]

And most importantly... upwards.

[Tjm86]

Just remember as well that sometimes it is perfectly 'natural' to feel crappy and don't beat yourself up over it.  Nothing worse than the negative feedback loop of

"oh shit, I feel useless" > " I shouldn't feel useless, I'm useless" > "Oh FFS I feel useless cos I can't stop feeling useless ... " > ad infinitum.

Sorry, I think I stopped talking to you Tordels old chap and started talking to myself!  Anyhoo, hang in there pal.  Might not be all right, but at least it will be.  If that makes sense.

[The Legendary Shark]

Peace and strength to you, Tordels.

[Grugz]

aye, wot he said tordels.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Thoughts are with you, Tordelback. Nothing we can say can make you feel better, but I really hope you do, soon

[TordelBack]

Cheers gents.  Keeping some perspective.

[Prodigal2]

Thoughts are with you, Tordelback. Nothing we can say can make you feel better, but I really hope you do, soon

This.

[JayzusB.Christ]

I'm feeling it creeping up on me and I don't know what to do.  I've been struggling financially - but (with the help of my father) have taken a loan out to buy a boat to l live on.  I was delighted for weeks but now look around and everyone has families, kids, mortgages, a steady income, holidays abroad.  I'm single; I'm attracted to women who are unavailable, and I have little or nothing to offer them anyway.  All I can see is middle age, financial instability and loneliness.  I take the tablets but sometimes the depression is stronger.

[Tjm86]

I can fully sympathise with the feelings that your situation can generate JBC.  I've finally decided to make an appointment to see the doctor about the anxiety and depression that seems to have spiked in the last two months.  It's a combination of the change of job, an incredibly challenging class and an underlying condition. 

I guess what I am saying is that I can fully appreciate where you are coming from. It is not easy, in fact it can be bloody hard at times.  The emotions feel like they are overwhelming and you wish it would just stop.  It is hard to be optimistic when there doesn't seem much to be optimistic about.

Don't make the mistake of thinking your life is any less because it doesn't have the same as those around you.  They probably look at you and your independence with envy, locked into jobs they hate and one pay check away from financial disaster.  They're probably on pins about what they would do if they lost their job tomorrow.  Most people are bloody good actors!

All I can say is hang in there pal.  It doesn't get easier but you do get through it.  Plenty of folks here are rooting for you.

[The Legendary Shark]

I'm rooting for you too, JBC.

I feel much the same way. I've been sitting here trying to think of something useful to write, something not reading like either self-pity or self-righteousness. Nothing doing, sorry. Not sure if anything I could possibly write would be of help anyway. What works for me (and let's face it, what works for me doesn't always work for me) probably won't work for you. After all, I don't even have a map of the path I'm on so I'm hardly qualified to give other people directions.

I suppose, really, the only help I can give is of the slimmest consequence. I am adrift on the same ocean. I think we all are. Most people are anchored together in a big, fragile web. Sometimes the anchors break free and we are at the mercy of the Tides. The only things to do then are stay afloat, keep a beady eye on the tiger in the lifeboat with you and look for a place to drop anchor. Just turn her into the waves and press on. This storm, too, shall pass.

I remember once going with my Dad to work. He was driving a tipper lorry for a motorway maintenance firm and I'd be about sixteen or seventeen at the time. I was bored so my Dad gave me to one of the sand depot's JCB drivers for the rest of the day. I don't remember the JCB driver's name. He was old and sly and Irish and gave me a crash course in JCB driving. At one point, atop the high sand-pile, the JCB started to topple over, unbalanced by a crumbling edge and a full front bucket. I felt sure we were doomed but the JCB Driver simply swivelled the cab and extended the back actor to balance the machine out. He looked down at me, dead rollie clamped in his sly mouth, and said something I never forgot.

"It's not the way the wind blows but how the sails are set."

He then f*ucked off for a rest-of-the-day tea-break and left me to do his job; filling tippers and husbanding the sand pile. I loved it.

Anyway. Ocean, wind blows, sail-set. Most important, though; not alone. We're lucky our lifeboats have internet connections.

Looks like I settled for self-righteous. Sorry about that.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Thanks a million, tjm.  You're right, of course; the grass is always greener etc.  Being totally honest what led to this particular episode was getting to know a girl I really liked and got on incredibly well with; and starting to fall for her despite knowing that she has a family of her own that I would never break up (even if she had any intention of it, which she doesn't).  I looked at how her husband can provide for her and their kids in a way that I couldn't possibly do, and started to feel very inadequate.  And then crushingly lonely with it. I'm 41 and still haven't grown out of clubs, parties and festivals (and she is pretty much the same, but can switch it off and go back to being a mother and wife the next day, while I wake up still thinking I'm 21).
These are the things that my mind fixates itself on, and spirals out of control.  I rarely have real, deep romantic feelings for anyone, but when I do it always leads to pain and suffering in the end.  It's why I've generally remained single, but that's no real defence.

EDIT - just seen your post now, Sharky.  Thanks so much.  It took me a while to work out the meaning of the driver's words, but now I see what he meant.

[The Legendary Shark]

Ah - so there's a woman involved.

Well, that's me officially out of my depth.

My love life can be summed up in three Nerd Moments. First, in the film Excalibur, Merlin tells Arthur something like, "Hearth and home, wife and family - these things are not for you." I always felt these things were not for me, either - not because I have some species of Arthurian Destiny but precisely the opposite. And now I look about and realise that I was correct, for what right would I have to drag a partner down the path I have taken? No right. No right at all.

The second Nerd Moment comes from City Slickers and the story of Curly's perfect love. The story, as far as I recall, goes as follows: Curly is out riding the range. He's got many miles behind him and many miles to go. He's tired, hungry, thirsty. So he rides towards a remote farmstead to buy or beg a meal but, as he rides up, he sees the most beautiful woman he could imagine pegging out the washing. In that moment, in that pose, in that light - she was perfect. So Curly turned and rode away. Having experienced perfection, he knew nothing could improve on it. I too have had my perfect moment - in my case, a perfect month - and nothing could improve on it. I've stopped looking because there's no point. Like Captain Kirk (Nerd Moment 2a), I've always known I'll die alone.

However...

Nerd Moment Number Three is from Babylon 5, I think from the In the Beginning t.v. movie. A lowly palace servant girl, touched by Emperor Londo's confessional story, reaches out a hand to him. Londo almost doesn't recognise the gesture and when he does it saddens him. "Dear Lady," he says, or words to this effect, "I would like nothing better than to walk with you on a beach. Somewhere. For just a few minutes. Strange," he continues, the matchless Peter Jurasik projecting oceans of regret, "to have come so far and to want so little."

Me too, Londo. I'd like to walk on that beach, somewhere, hand-in-hand with that dear lady, for just a few minutes. Sometimes, I think I'd give everything for that. But - anything more than that walk? I don't think so. I mean, she's going to have to be a Hell of a woman to counteract all three and a half of my Nerd Moments and, as I'm far from being a Hell of a man, not very choosy. Every time a pretty woman smiles at me (and "pretty" means more than just looks) I get a brief fulfilment of the Beach Fantasy. I could fall in love with almost any woman who smiled at me once with her eyes. I hear most men are soppy like that.

Even though there exist a great many reasons why I do, and indeed should, live alone, I am not without a human soul. I'd say that I'm content to be single up to 90% of the time. That 10%, though, can be tough. I've got nobody to f*ck about hoovering and faffing about when I'm trying to read a book but, conversely, nobody to say, "hey, listen to this sentence," to, either. And, sometimes, it would be joy to spend a cold winter's night in the shed cuddled up to a warm woman with hot eyes. An independently rich libertarian pole-dancer, ideally. 

What was I saying? Oh right. Women: I can't help you when it comes to women. From what I've seen, when it comes to women there isn't a single bloke who isn't out of his depth. That's why I have my three and a half Nerd Moments, they're like a makeshift lifejacket.

None of which is very helpful, I guess.

[Tjm86]

I can relate JBC, albeit from long ago.  Personally I've been blessed with an insanely understanding and supportive wife of over 20 years.  She has put up with the ups and downs of my condition and stabilised me in ways that I cannot even begin to thank her for.  In my youth I had similar experiences to the ones you describe and can recall how it felt.  You have my heartfelt sympathies. 

What I would say though is to take her friendship as the gift that it is and focus on that aspect of it.  She obviously sees something of value in you that means she wants to spend time with you, values you as a human being.  And if push comes to shove just remember Gabriel Garcia Marquez' "Love in the Time of Cholera."  The perfect book for the unrequited lover!

Love TLS' JCB anecdote.  Another cracker!

[Heath C Ackley]

I hope things get better JBC I really do. I recently suffered a break-up that left me lonely, temporarily parted from two kids - though not mine by blood but always in my heart - and homeless. If it wasn't for the support of my family and friends I would be living in my car and in a very sorry state.

A close family member suffers from depression and I know how much of a struggle things can be.

I (hopefully) should be moving into a flat next weekend but starting again at my age is going to be hard. I've faced dark times before and I'm determined not to fall into that pit again.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Thanks, guys, I appreciate all the support, I really do.  Really, my problems are nothing compared to what other people suffer (as I pointed out myself earlier in the thread).  But it's really nice to have this thread to discuss things with people who understand.