The Black Dog Thread

[Rara Avis]

Paddy, sorry if you've answered this before but have you contacted Threshold or opened a case with the RTB?

[Hawkmumbler]

So last year, around about this time actually I think, I began to articulate my worries about what I considered a worrying trajectory for my relationship with alcohol; namely the fact I was basically a high functioning alcoholic. I didn't do anything about it because, foolishly, I thought I could control it.
I couldn't. I've said and done stupid things while drunk (I think we all have, but specifically speaking I don't like WHO I became when drunk. That Zac was an arrogant, rude individual I don't wish to associate with). And have genuine regrets as a result of it.

About six weeks ago I started to do something about it, and have now been six weeks sober. This might not seem like a lot but it's likely the longest I've been sober since I was 14. God I miss a drink some days, but I don't lament the time I'm claiming back from it to focus elsewhere. I'm getting a lot more writing done these days, which is nice.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit self congratulatory, especially when I can see others are struggling in this here same thread. It's just nice for once to feel something is going right.

[Barrington Boots]

That's fantastic stuff Hawk. Huge amounts of respect to you for taking control of the situation like that.

[The Legendary Shark]

Don't feel guilty for doing well, Hawkie. Congratulations on your achievement and more power to you!

[paddykafka]

Paddy, sorry if you've answered this before but have you contacted Threshold or opened a case with the RTB?

Hi Rara and thanks again.

Yep, I was in touch with Threshold last week. There's nothing they can do as regards my being evicted, as the termination notice is valid. The best they can advise is that I inform Dublin City Council (DCC) with regard to applying for Homeless Housing Assisted Payment (HAP), and see what they can do in terms of sourcing accommodation for me.

I spoke with a lady from the Simon Community yesterday and their advice was pretty much the same. They can't do anything themselves directly to help, as it is DCC which decides who is a priority case first. The housing charity Alone said more or less the same, and they can't do anything for me anyway, as they only deal with folk who are 60+ years of age.

The Dublin City councillor with whom I have been in touch with, has had no word back so far, as regards the letters he sent out in an effort to help me. Also, when I was in hospital in mid-November of last year, the social worker with whom I spoke to, said that she would refer me to one of her colleagues in the local primary care centre, to see if they could advocate for me in some way. As I have heard nothing back so far, I called into the centre yesterday, myself, and left my details for them to contact me. I'm not holding my breath while I wait for them to get back to me.

Trying to get any sort of meaningful help or support in this country, is like trying to light a match in a hurricane. 

At this point - with just over twelve weeks to go before my eviction date - I am quite frankly terrified as to what the future holds for me. Between the stress I have endured as a result of the NL's horrible treatment of me, and the impending threat of being made homeless, I am getting closer to the point, where a fatal heart attack, stroke or brain hemorrhage would be a welcome release from the daily misery that I am going through. 

With regards to the whole Rent Supplement fiasco - and the New Landlord's (N/L) role in it - while I am legally liable for the rent, the fact that he has failed - and, as of yesterday, now outright refused - to comply with the process, means that I could take a case against him through the Workplace Commission on the grounds of discrimination. (Because he is essentially denying me access to a social welfare entitlement.) But that would take a long, loooong time to be processed. To give two examples: the lady whom I spoke to in Threshold is currently dealing with a case dating from August of last year, and the chap in Citizens Information has been dealing with a case dating back to May of last year.

While technically the N/L could pursue me through the RTB for the back rent due to him - outside of my own weekly contributions - the CI guy thinks that I would have a defensible case, given that I have complied with all my obligations in terms of the Rent Supplement application process and the N/L has failed so dismally as regards his.

As regards my taking action against the N/L through the RTB, aside from if he refuses to pay me back my deposit, there's not much else they can do for me. It is possible that, because of the obnoxious attitude and behavior he has displayed towards me thus far, that the N/L might be seen to be in breach of the Residential Tenancies Act, as regards to my entitlement to Peaceful & Exclusive Occupation. But as there are no witnesses to what has happened, it would be very difficult to prove anything.

In the meantime - and as I predicted - the house has once more been turned into a building site, and I am again being subjected on a daily basis from 9-5, to the sounds of drilling, hammering, banging, angle grinding etc from the flat beside me, and also from the one across the hall.

Oh, and two weeks after I informed the N/L about the mice infestation, he has still done absolutely nothing about it. And I doubt if he has any intentions of addressing the problem either. (I could raise the issue with DCC but to be honest, by the time they get 'round to doing anything, I will most likely be either dead or out of here altogether.) As it is, I have now taken to just staying in my bedroom from about 9pm onward. The critters might well have found a new home since I saw them last week. (Scarily enough, I thought that I could hear them in the bedroom itself. It might just be my imagination over-reacting.) But considering the ever deteriorating state of my mental health, if I was to see any more of them scampering about the place, I think that what little sanity that I have left would desert me entirely.   

[Hawkmumbler]

Not having a great one folks. Funny, yesterday was all sunshine and rainbows, felt fantastic.
And today I just feel like the most loathsome sack of wasted cum on the planet, and everything sucks.

Wonder if I should get myself tested, it surely isn't normal to experience such sudden, frequent, and violent shifts in mood.

[The Legendary Shark]

I love you, Hawkie.

Maybe that's not much, but it's not nothing.

Sometimes, on a sunny day, a cloud scuds overhead and the world can seem plunged into gloom, the whole feel of the day changes, gets a little darker and a little colder. Just as quick, the cloud is gone. Hope your cloud's gone soon, too.

[Tjm86]

Wonder if I should get myself tested, it surely isn't normal to experience such sudden, frequent, and violent shifts in mood.

Well, as someone with a diagnosis for BPD(EU), I'd be tempted to say "yes, it is."  Also a little frightening when it happens, so I feel for you.

I can't offer any advice.  All I can say is that I've tried to focus on the fact that these swings often have no discernible apparent cause but are temporary.  This means letting go of any possible 'trigger' and just accepting them for what they are as well as that whatever it is will change soon enough. 

This is half-inched from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (a version of CBT aimed at individuals with a BPD diagnosis), a method called "radical acceptance."  As a rule it tends to work, in fact I'm having to employ it this week off the back of one of these swings.

BTW: you're not even close to being the "most loathsome sack of wasted cum on the planet."  I can think of plenty of contenders for that accolade. 

If we were to merely limit ourselves to the UK then we could go with Johnson, Braverman, Hunt, Gove, Rees-Mogg, Farage or that muppet from that pub with the gollywog toys and a casual dress sense that extends to far-right-group-wear ... Are you in that league?  I think not!

[sheridan]

If we were to merely limit ourselves to the UK then we could go with Johnson, Braverman, Hunt, Gove, Rees-Mogg, Farage or that muppet from that pub with the gollywog toys and a casual dress sense that extends to far-right-group-wear ... Are you in that league?  I think not!

OH yes, the one who plays with their black dolls - by stringing them up by the necks (and avoiding any doubt as to their racist tendencies by references to lynching in Mississippi.  Though then denied they were racist, somehow).

[JayzusB.Christ]

Hawkie:  This is what I've heard called the great con of depression: it tricks you into believing nothing will ever be good because nothing has ever been good.  Been there more than once: it feels like anything you've enjoyed before the depression was just an illusion.

Being in a thankfully non-depressed period right now, I can see that it's the depressed thoughts that are illusory: life is indeed sometimes terrible, but it's sometimes great. Most of the time, though, it's somewhere in between.

That probably isn't a huge help to you right now but it did help me a bit to realise that depression distorts your thoughts.

[Tjm86]

I guess JBC that there is another school of thought.  Or Maybe it is a case of the school of thought is somewhat inexperienced.

I get that thought processes can be distorted.  Then again, experience can also substantiate thought processes. 

Sorry but it is hard to put this straight.  The idea that someone is utterly worthless.  That they are a complete waste of space.  Contempt is not even close to describing how they should be viewed.  There is no way to describe how useless the are ...

Depression may well be a con.  Then again there are a hell of a lot of con artists out there that make depression look like an amateur ...

[JayzusB.Christ]

I guess JBC that there is another school of thought.  Or Maybe it is a case of the school of thought is somewhat inexperienced.
 ...

I have to admit I'm not quite following your line of thought here, but the school of thought I mentioned definitely does not come from a lack of experience. I learned it from Dr David Burns, a psychotherapist with over 50 years of experience, and who is the only self-help author whose methods cured my own depression.  (Thanks to the Internet I've got to know him a bit since discovering his work, and he's a man who definitely knows his proverbial stomm.)

Your second paragraph has me very confused.  Are you saying that a person is right when they think this?  In Hawkmumbler's case I would say it's very much a distorted thought - while I don't know him personally I believe this forum is a better place for his contributions.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Sorry, I meant your third paragraph, not your second.

[Tjm86]

Sorry, you're right.  It was poorly worded.  What I was trying to say is that sometimes thoughts about lack of worth, general pessimism about circumstances and scope for change are based in experience.

The third paragraph is dire and I can only apologise.  My point was that this is how people are sometimes viewed and treated.  When you are on the receiving end of that kind of treatment it becomes the basis of robust self-beliefs that are hard to shift.

I get what you're saying about depression creating cognitive distortions.  The full range of circumstances that can lead to depression is incredibly broad and there are numerous circumstances where your position is probably far more appropriate than mine.  In Hawkie's case it may most likely be the case.

I guess my point is that this is not always the case.  Sometimes depressive thinking is based on empirical evidence.  That requires a different approach to tackling it.  In those circumstances the 'con artists' are those that have created such mindsets through their behaviour and treatment.

Thanks for mentioning Dr Burns.  Sounds like someone worth looking into.

[JayzusB.Christ]

I guess my point is that this is not always the case.  Sometimes depressive thinking is based on empirical evidence.  That requires a different approach to tackling it.  In those circumstances the 'con artists' are those that have created such mindsets through their behaviour and treatment.

I think my point is that even if the thoughts are caused by other people's treatment (and believe me, I've had my fair share of being treated as worthless), it still does not make the thoughts true.  By examining the thought, through skilful use of whatever CBT techniques you're used to, it will usually fall apart.

The techniques I use distinguish between negative thoughts and self-defeating beliefs.  The latter are neither correct nor incorrect, but are a kind of guiding system for the mind and create those negative thoughts.  The beliefs, unlike the thoughts, are always there but often unconscious, and must be gradually uncovered and put into words before the patient can start working on a more helpful set of beliefs.

Personally I was very sceptical about David Burns' stuff when I encountered it first - it sounded way too simplistic and twee.  However, I later realised he was just using very accessible language to describe very profound ideas.  He might not be for everyone but for me his books and podcasts just blew all other self-help material out of the water.  Also he's a lovely guy to chat to!