Life is riddled with a procession of minor impediments

[COMMANDO FORCES]

No prog in the comic shop AGAIN! Owner rang Diamond and they said it wasn't sent to them on time. I love British service 

[worldshown]

Time to update your anti-viruses and malware removal kits again, folks.

Bloody "Privacy Protection" infection just wasted the last five hours of my life.

[Dandontdare]

I've just had my PC overhauled and a new copy of windows installed. Performance has improved, but it seems that some of my problem are hardware related rather than software, as we'd thought. I backed up all my essential stuff but I've lost all my internet bookmarks and i-tunes playlists, and every day I keep finding new settings to adjust or programmes that need to be re-installed.

Also, I'm being plagued by cold-callers, despite being in the Telephone Preference Service. I'm getting about 10 requests a day to complete a "brief customer survey", all from people with strong Indian accents who claim to be called "David Robinson" or "Susan Smith" - why do they do that? it's such an obvious lie, it puts me off doing business with them even if I wanted to. I've tried not answering, politely asking to be removed from calling lists, shouting and swearing, or simply saying "hang on, I'll get him for you" and walking away until they give up and hang up. Getting witheld numbers barred by BT costs £3 a month, so sod that.

[The Legendary Shark]

Also, I'm being plagued by cold-callers, despite being in the Telephone Preference Service. I'm getting about 10 requests a day to complete a "brief customer survey", all from people with strong Indian accents who claim to be called "David Robinson" or "Susan Smith" - why do they do that? it's such an obvious lie, it puts me off doing business with them even if I wanted to. I've tried not answering, politely asking to be removed from calling lists, shouting and swearing, or simply saying "hang on, I'll get him for you" and walking away until they give up and hang up. Getting witheld numbers barred by BT costs £3 a month, so sod that.

I like to have fun with these people sometimes. Firstly, I never reveal my name and second, I take charge of the call.

Eg: Bring-bring, bring bring.

ME: Hello?
THEM: I'd like to talk to Mr Shark/Is that Mr Shark?
ME: Who's calling please?
THEM: I'm calling from BT/Your Bank/Nigeria. Is Mr Shark there?
ME: I'm sorry, I never give out personal information over the telephone. If you are desperate to contact me, please do so in writing. Goodbye.

This way, you never even get to their sales pitch or security questions. That said, if you're feeling playful, there's nothing to stop you asking security questions too! The moment they ask if they can ask you some security options I say sure, but first I have some questions of my own. I then ask them a list of questions like their full name, job title and direct works contact number and the same details for their line manager and the contact numbers of the customer services/legal and financial departments - whatever springs to mind. Sometimes they answer and sometimes they don't (it's funny to hear them at the other end sometimes trying to find some of this stuff out!). When I've finished asking my questions they then ask their first security question to wich I reply that I never give out personal information over the 'phone and that if they want to contact me about something important to please do it in writing. If they're genuine they'll know your address anyway but, as with your name, never give it out or confirm or deny or correct it.

If they tell you that the call may be recorded for whatever reason, you can say "I do not consent to having this or any telephone calls to my private home number recorded. Please disist or I shall have no option but to discontinue this call." If they give you some waffle about them having no control over the recordings and that it's not a big deal anyway or whatever, simply politely apologise, advise them to contact you in writing if it's urgent or important and then hang up.

If you start getting called repeatedly by the same firm or government agency or whoever (and provided you've gone through step 1 at least twice with said problem caller), have a little speech handy: "This is the nth unwanted 'phone call I have received from your company. Please be advised that if this continues, I will be reporting you personally and your company in general for harrassment under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997.

I also saw a thing on telly about a guy who just strikes up weird conversations with these telemarketers:

Ring Ring: "Hello, hello? Are you the ambulance people?"
"Er, no, I'm Dick and I'm calling from American Express..."
"Oh good, good, you're not the ambulance, then? Do you know when it'll be here, only there seems to be an awful lot of blood coming out of it at the moment..." Sometimes he pretends to be suicidal, that his wife's just left him that very night and he needs someone to talk to.

In short, it's your telephone - take control of it. Nobody, not even an official, can force you to talk on the phone.

[SpetsnaZ99]

Shark, i love that. brilliant. I'm not going to be afraid of the phone again. However can i just point out that when you say you don't give out your name and that they must write to you instead, your acknowledging that they have the right person. But I'm definitely going to use the ambulance routine next time. lol

[von Boom]

Those are good ideas, however I tend to use the Fawlty Towers Manuel approach. Que? Que?

JvB

[The Legendary Shark]

However can i just point out that when you say you don't give out your name and that they must write to you instead, your acknowledging that they have the right person.

No, you're not acknowledging anything. You haven't given your name so, even if they do write to you, they have no idea who they talked to on the 'phone. (You offer the option of writing to you in case you need to take this to court in the future - your suggestion that they write is a counter-offer to their offer to have yiu deal with them in the first place. This covers you in case it is something important they need to contact you about. If that makes sense!)

It's all about contract law, boringly. Thr thing to remember is that people like this who ring you up, whether they be from a bank, a soliciter or even the government or police; they're tying to make a contract with you - and legally, nobody can be forced into a contract against their will. Admit nothing and agree to nothing and you'll never get yourself in the doodoo over a phone call again.

[radiator]

I had a funny exchange with a cold-caller from BT the other day.

BT: In addition to our other services, we have a service that helps stop nuisance callers. Do you have a problem with nuisance calls?

Me: What, like this one?

BT: (awkward laughter) Er, yeah.

Frankly, I don't feel any need to be polite to these people (though I am never outright rude or nasty) - and will simply hang up most of the time. In fact I hardly ever bother to answer my landline if it rings during the day, as 9 times out of 10 it is a cold-caller. Doubt I'd bother having a landline at all if I didn't need broadband.

[SuperSurfer]

BT called me a few times trying to sell me services. I always ask if they actually are BT or are working for BT and it is always the latter. I know that if I had all my services with BT I'd get a better deal but I haven't had calls from them since I said "Look, I never buy anything from anyone who telephones me."

Was shocked earlier this year when I was looking at different company websites for a mobile phone. I briefly entertained the idea of switching broadband to see if I could get a mobile/broadband/phone package. I had a call from 02 saying that they were aware that I had looked at their broadband website and am I interested in their services!!!! I put the phone down and then thought – hang on, so they have worked out my phone number from my IP address or something and telephoned me to flog their shit? Is that allowed?! I should have made something of that really.

[Roger Godpleton]

I teabag the phone while they're still on the line.

[COMMANDO FORCES]

You evil bastards, these are just ordinary people in the private sector trying to earn a living and you treat them like this, I am absolutely disgusted. I suppose you want to see them unemployed, lose their homes and out on the streets starving 

[SuperSurfer]

Actually I was going to say I'm always polite to them as they are just people trying to earn a living etc but I didn't want so come across all softy. 

While we are on this cold calling, sales topic: weren't some of the energy companies fined recently for putting enquiries through the system as a 'yes' and even forging signatures.

I have had conversations with chuggers and I've said: "I agree with the work, would be more than happy to make a one-off donation, but if you think I am going to give my bank details to you here on the street, no."

[Roger Godpleton]

"I got some bank details for ya right here, baby."

[Tiplodocus]

I find a simple and polite "I'm sorry, we are on the telephone preference list" stops the call dead with a simple apology from them and wastes nobodies time.  And it works even if you aren't on the telephone preference list.  Poor blighters are just trying to earn a crust, we shouldn't be giving them hassle.

[COMMANDO FORCES]

All you have to do to be on the list is register HERE. It only takes about 30 seconds at the most, so why not do it