COMEDY SCENE II

[Byron Virgo]

Presented below is all that survives of a comic mis en scene I began writing for competition some time ago. I moved on to something else and it never got finished (it hardly got started). However, I thought I'd post it here as I found it again today and it amused me for five minutes whilst I'm at work. Maybe it'll amuse someone else - I'd like to think so.

COMEDY SCENE II

(Propped up against a bar is B.J. EDDISON. He wears a long overcoat, underneath which he can be seen to be wearing a tatty, hole-strewn pullover. He wears a large battered floppy hat. On his feet is a pair of old faded, dirty used to be white trainers. Clearly this man is either a tramp or actively cultivates the appearance of one. When he speaks, his voice is particularly nasal, almost like John Major's, only higher and less annoying. At least, less immediately annoying. Also at the bar is the BARMAN, although he currently has his back to EDDISON.)

(The BARMAN turns round to face EDDISON)

BARMAN: Hello sir. Sorry to keep you waiting, how can I be of help?

EDDISON: Good morning, good afternoon and good evening. But not necessarily in that order.  

BARMAN: Well, seeing as it's now twelve o'clock, I think I'll say good afternoon.

EDDISON: And I shall bid you a salutary halloo there in return young sir.

BARMAN: What can I get you to drink sir?

EDDISON: Therein lies both the question and answer to everything that humanity has ever aspired and achieved to become. This is not going to be an easy one to answer.

BARMAN: Well I hope you manage to come up with one soon.

EDDISON: Well how can one hope to answer the question of all that humanity is and could be in the naming of a single beverage?

BARMAN: Last orders is in twenty minutes, sir.

EDDISON: I'll have a gin and tonic please.