Writing to Tharg 2012 - LETTERSENTERTAINYOU THE ROAD TO 10,000

[dullnickname]

What did the letters from David and Dave Wynn say?

[Buttonman]

Quaequam Blag! There's a joker in every pack, as The Mighty One is want to say.

[Alski]

One more to my total in the Magazine this month. 

[shaolin_monkey]

Quaequam Blag! There's a joker in every pack, as The Mighty One is want to say.

Cop out!  I sense failure to recover said letters!!!  Is this a first?  Have we finally beaten The beast!?!  Oh happy day!

[Buttonman]

Cop out!  I sense failure to recover said letters!!!  Is this a first?  Have we finally beaten The beast!?!  Oh happy day!

Does the Guinness book of hit singles play you the records? Does Halliwell's Film guide show you the movies? Of course not. It's not The Beast's job to spew out letters verbatim but to show the stats and encourage the reading and indeed writing of letters past and present.

[Buttonman]

Oh the irony - a thread dedicated to clocking 10,000 letters ticked past it's own 10,000 milestone unheralded while Tharg sat on his letters pile! Nothing since mid October just when those 'Thin Ice' award nominations are getting pondered! Don't worry we had Tharg over (see Advent calendar for the 3rd) and I think we have an understanding.

[Krakajac]

Buttonman, I had two letters published in Tooth back in the previous century.  Could you do me the greatest of services and advise what progs they appeared in?  Under the name of 'Craig Calvert'.  Many thanks!

(PS - I downloaded some form of The Beast many years ago for the above purpose - but encountered difficulty getting it to run.)

[Buttonman]

Yes Craig, the previous downloadable beast proved somewhat unwieldy - maybe because it was a database rather than a spreadsheet and it was crappily formated but there you go. Anywayhow here we go..

Whrrr bing!

CRAIG CALVERT AUSTRALIA  835    OVERSEAS 1993
CRAIG CALVERT AUSTRALIA   1296   OVERSEAS 2002

Interestingly you share the 'Calvert' crown with Tony of London who scored a quick double in Progs 1115 and 1132. He actually outranks you as his 1132 was a Letter of the Week. Must try harder!

[Krakajac]

Many thanks!  Blimey, hasn't time flown.

[Buttonman]

Well, at last we are back. The first letters since Prog 1804 were finally printed in the year end Prog 2013. We are grateful for this bounty of twelve letters, but none for over a month? - and that includes the Megazine? The Jimmy Savile fan club was seeing more letters than us in November! As regular subscribers will attest, a high level deal was brokered with Tharg to end the letter famine, and he can be seen here in this LETTERSENTERTAINYOU exclusive image.



We won't ramble on with an exciting preamble as we have a dozen letters to critique. And some green face pain to remove.

We open up with the familiar face of Alex Frith who nets his 17th letter crown with this Letter of the Week offering. Alex now boasts 4 Letters of the Week titles and this is his first letter of 2012 following a brace in 2011. He has a lopsided score of 14:3 in favour of the Prog. Alex letter wrings all the life it can out of reproduction metaphor and frankly this effort is fit only for the abortionist's dustbin. His lack of planning means he sounds like Columbo adding in 'Just one more thing' twice in a row and if it wasn't for the fawning this wouldn't have had its ass slapped by the mid wife. And to think a superior letter using the word 'Tri-mendous' went unused!

David Walker is up next and he basically points out he's understood that three strips had the same plot. Well done David, walker to the top of the class! We'll be gentle as this is David's first letter - assuming the David Walker of Derby of Prog 314 fame isn't him. The best 'Walker' is Phil on 5 but he hasn't been seen since Prog 902 so there's every chance that David can Walker up the charts.

We all take a beating next as Rodney King of Nottingham steps up. Dave, sorry Rodney, is no plonker in the letters stakes as this is his 4th. His first was back in Prog 1112 and he stretches his 'Rodney' lead over Rodney Moffit of Co Tyrone who languishes on the two he scored in short order in Progs 810 and 813. Rodney's letter is basically a 'Director's Cut' of the one before it and he does go a bit OTT in the thrill-power overload reaction stakes. Calm down Rodders, this time next year we'll have nearly 10,000 letters printed.

Another man with 4 letters to his name is Andrew Honan who marks his third entry on the Beast of 2012 with this offering. The only other 'Honan' on the Beast's mighty database is Mark who appeared in Prog 196. Andrew is another cheerleader for the imperious 'Trifecta' and makes like Ron Burgandy in telling Tharg to 'Stay Classy' or something like it.

Dan! Dan! Dan! Pollard next, a well kent face with a dozen Beast hits to his name. This is Dan's second letter of 2012 following up his 1773 opener and his footprint goes back to 1999's Prog 1150. Dan's letter is all over the shop with reminisces and Mills bombing all happening. On the positive side it sounds like his real ale quest has been a total success!

The half way mark is met with Mabs Ahmed at the wheel. His letter has the refreshing tone of a new writer, which he is. The Beast only has three Ahmeds with the probable siblings Waheed and Naveed of  Bristol the other entrants with their Prog 629 and 685 drawings. The letter has real enthusiasm and although he talks a lot about 'Dick' we can forgive as it's the Philip K variety and not the Proudhuff.

Another new man next in the shape of Stephen Cooke. Do too many Cookes spoil the broth? Maybe so as we have 9 in total and not one has managed to follow up their initial offering. The last Cooke we had whip something up for us was Gary who had the Letter of the Week in Prog 1323 back in 2003. Stephen (nice name BTW) writes to tell us he's got an Ipad. Many congratulations there Stephen.

We get back to familiar territory next with Ashley Beeching managing to break that dreaded impasse of 18 letters with this his n-n-n-nineteenth. Ashley just managed to squeeze this one in ensuring that 2012 wouldn't be a blank year for him -  remember The Beast logs publication date so Prog 2013 is a 2012 edition. Ashley won't match his 2011 and 2010 scores of 3 however or even his 2009 and 2008 scores of 2 and 4 respectively for that matter. Ashley waxes on about the Dredd film and the fact he has a Blu-Ray player. He also likes a lot of what is going on in the Prog and finishes with some excellent fawning - a getting a letter printed ABC - textbook!

The bad news for Ashley is just when he matched Steve Frame's 19 letters the Caithness cad goes and adds on of his own. Steve's 20th is his second of 2012 following his Prog 1769 opus. Steve likes these year end free for alls having been previously spotted in Progs 2008 and 2009. Some of the big hitters don't like to involve themselves in these bloated affairs saving their wise words for a more pared back forum. Steve delivers Tharg a couple of seasonal brickbats knocking lumps out of a couple of thrills. The rest is a bit bland although he does out himself as a fan of filth and where's the harm in that?

Jeez this thing goes on and on...

We have Pete 'Nucky' Thomson next with his first Prog offering following his twofer in the Meg - Megs 260 and 297 if you must know. Renfrew man Scott remains the King of the Thomson clan with his sprightly 6. Pete from Hastings may have a battle on his hands if he wants to convince the general readership that the ABCs is the best thing since self stamped envelopes but you can't knock that enthusiasm.

Mike 'It's not 'Silver' it's 'Sivier'' next  who make his first and possibly last Input page appearance with a suggestion that everyone is laughing at Tharg. 'Who are these people?' Tharg rightly asks. If an alien can't run a comic out of a spaceship without being laughed at I fear for the world. They'll be saying dressing up as an alien comics editor and scaring the cat is laughable next!

Last, and thank God for that, is Jay Scott of USA. Jay is a new man to the fold and bubbles with excitement over his new found love for the Prog. He uses our favourite word 'drivel' and gives Tharg the chance to pimp his wares. There no need for Jay to be a blue Jay but he needs to move some to catch up with Jay leader Jay Niland who sits atop the pile of a hefty 3. His last was in Prog 1553 so get scribbling while he slumbers New Jay.

Well that's all from us (thank Christ) for now. The Beast has finally clocked up some new hits and now reads 9910. Only 90 to go until the Road to 10,000 is fully travelled. Who's all excited? Everyone? Great!

[Spikes]

And some green face pain to remove.

Has the beast been inspired by recent events in the prog and is now planning its very own Bachmann style coup d'etat?
And who will be our Smiley?

[Proudhuff]

Fancy a biscuit?

[Hawkmumbler]

Mr Buttonman, coul you inform me which prog's and/ or meg's a Zach Hawkins had his letters published?

[Buttonman]

Mr Buttonman, coul you inform me which prog's and/ or meg's a Zach Hawkins had his letters published?

What a polite request. Yes indeed we can.

Whrrrr bing!

ZACH   HAWKINS    BOLTON   M315 BOLTON   2011
ZACH   HAWKINS    BOLTON   M324 ENGLAND  2012


You will be pleased to learn that the Hawkins crown is yours alone - the three pretenders are :

MARCUS   HAWKINS     SOMERSET   541      ENGLAND  1987
DAVE   HAWKINS  DAGENHAM   1064   ENGLAND  1997
TOM   HAWKINS     E-MAIL         1199      OTHER       2000


On the 'Zach' front you have one familiar sounding rival :

ZACHARY   ZZIIZ SWANSEA   1148

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Do you control The Beast? Or does The Beast control you?