2000AD Time Twisters! The 8th 2000AD Short Story Comp.

[Alski]

Van Dom - Love it matey! Shouldn't it be Thirty years, not fifty though? matters not.

Roger - Still don't understand anything you write, but it was very poetic.

[Van Dom]

Van Dom - Love it matey! Shouldn't it be Thirty years, not fifty though? matters not.

No, sixty years, my idea is that its a current day Tharg returning from a trip home in 2010 when the malfunction happens. Had that in the little preamble at the start but had to cut it for the wordcount! Thanks for the kind words though!

[Alski]

There was an werror in mine that has been bugging me (and bugged Van Dom as well  ) so here is the corrected version.


FIVE HAVE FUN IN LONDON

It was a beautiful day on Kirrin Island, but then again it always seemed to be a beautiful day there, as long as there weren't any nasty types getting up to mischief. Anne and Dick were playing catch whilst Julian drank ginger beer. George and Timmy were off exploring, although heaven knew if there was any part of the island they hadn't yet become acquainted with. Suddenly, there was a commotion as George came running up.

"I say!" she shouted. "You must all come and look at what Timmy and I have found"

"Woof" said Timmy, as if in agreement, and they all followed obediently.

They caught up with George, who led them to the old ruined cottage. This certainly wasn't new, but they followed her in, only to find an eerie white light hovering in the living room.

"How queer," said Anne. "I wonder what it is."

"Look!" said George. She picked up a stick from the floor and threw it at the light. It simply disappeared like it had never even been there. As the four stood, mouths agape, Timmy did what dogs are supposed to do - he fetched the stick.

"Timmy!" shrieked George. "No!" But she was too late, and Timmy disappeared as well.

"Gosh!" Exclaimed Dick. "Whatever are we going to do?"

"We have to follow him," stated Julian in his most grown up voice (the one that always gave Anne a strange tingle in the gusset).

They all agreed and, linking arms, stepped into the light...

... and into a war zone.

The first thing they saw was Timmy, bleeding on the street.

"Sorry luv," said a deep, authoritative voice. "A stray Volgan round got him - but I got the Volg."

The big man looked very common indeed, and rather frightening with his steely eyes and smoking shotgun.

"Bill Savage," he said, extending his hand. "What the fuck are you kids doin' out on the streets?"

"I'm awfully sorry," said Julian, shaking the man's hand and nearly yelping in pain from the grip, "but we don't actually know where we are. We were on Kirrin Island and there was this light..."

"Volgan time tech," said Savage knowingly. "Been dragging up all sorts shouldn't be here. What year are you from?"

"N-Ninteen Forty six," stammered Ann.

"Well you're in 1990 now, kiddiewinks, and Britain's been invaded by the Volgs. Any of you use a shooter before?"

"I should say not!" exclaimed Julian, but George had other ideas.

"They killed my fuckin' DOG!" she snarled, picking up a pistol from a fallen Volg. "Let's get the bastards!"

"That's the spirit luv," said Savage. "What's yer name anyway?"

"Georgina," said George, "But I hate that name. Just call me, I dunno, Silk"

"Silk it is," grinned Savage. "Let's go and fuck up some Volgs."

As Savage and "Silk" scoooted off, Julian, Dick and Ann stood bemused.

They never even heard the mortar that blew them into tiny bits.

Bad show!

[Colin MacNeil]

MC and VD, excelent start there chaps! Looks like this is gonna be a good un.
And Rog, gosh! That one kinda scanned, not quite the usual head-phuck that is your normal sort of story. Are you okay? You're not off your food or something? Maybe you should lie down for a bit with a damp copy of Revolver on your forehead.

[The Monarch]

I just had this idea in my head for ages glad to actually free it at last!


1977

A spaceship from the planet Quaxxann landed in the centre of London and changed its shape into a building known as kings reach tower. The pilot of the ship was a being known as Tharg. I had to put a stop to this filth. I used the wastes and travelled back in time to deal with the deviants before it spread any further.

"Quaequam Blag!" shouted the filth peddler and sicced his pathetic robotic minions on me. All was for naught if the robots would not work for me then they are as bad as the extra-terrestrial. Therefore I turned them to scrap with my own weaponry.

The creature known as tharg tried to attack me with some bizarre form of arcanery known as "Rigellian Hotshot" but If I can handle attacks from my own nemesis then this green Dastard has no chance of hurting me.

Begging for his life he offered my anything to spare him from the vats, however he does not realise that I do not deal with the Deviants and after chanting my mantra I lopped his head off and held it high for the surviving tin cans to see.

Happy that the future will now be free of the disgusting filth known as 2000ad I made the Mills droid start again by making a comic in my image. "But what of the suits upstairs?" he asked pleadingly and all I said in reply to him is "Then I shall return and deal with them too...."

2010

David Page, Grand priest of the Necropolis black museum speaks to his enrapt audience

And that is the secret origin of Torque in as told by its founder our Grand master Tomás de Torquemada. Now we move on to the secret origin of Americas bill of rights which states that slavery is fine as long as said slaves are of earth origin. After that talk we will speak of the grandmasters time in the 1960s where free love is fine "Do it for Woodstock! Do it with zeal! Anyone having truck with an extra-terrestrial goes into the vats!"

Thus was the wisdom of the eternal Torquemada empire!

Be pure, be vigilant, behave

[Dandontdare]

There was an werror in mine that has been bugging me (and bugged Van Dom as well  ) so here is the corrected version.

Still says 1990 instead of 1999 ..... 
What was the "werror" that you corrected? (Can't be bothered doing a word-by-word comparison!)

[Alski]

george said the Volgs killed Timmy when it was Savage. In there write it was a volg bullet.

For some reason I was convinced it was Invasion 1990. Did that ever happen?

[Dandontdare]

george said the Volgs killed Timmy when it was Savage. In there write it was a volg bullet.

For some reason I was convinced it was Invasion 1990. Did that ever happen?

You're thinking of "Disaster 1990" (which I can't find any trace of on Barney, oddly) the prequel set 9 years prior to Invasion, in which Britain is flooded when the icecaps were melted by a nuclear explosion. We saw Bill Savage first take up a shoot-ah (complete with rubber duck), not against Volgs but against evil Oxford professors, for some reason which eludes me. Probably 'cos they were ponces.

"five drown in Oxford" may have worked too... 

[Dandontdare]

Here ya go, Prog 126, wrongly credited as "Invasion" on Barney:

[IAMTHESYSTEM]

Forgive me Victor.

                          DANTE's Blind Date.



Nicholi staggered against the staircase wall half spilling the flagon of Ale he was carrying and tried to recall instruction the lady had given him. Her room was  where? The second tier or was it fifth tier above him. He chuckled softly too himself.

'Dante you old (hic) fox, you.'

Drunk but happy he  looked about him. The walls of the Church loomed over him and he marvelled at how the architects of this most primitive age had constructed such a building that dominated the surrounding landscape. It was the first thing he noticed when he and  the two Imperial Guardsman had 'landed' as they winked into this time stream from Romanov Palaces secret  Laboratory.  Nicholi by pure chance had foiled the Romanov's ultimate escape plan to travel back into the past and remake their future here on Earth.

He slew the troopers quickly and waited for rescue but he already knew that the amount of energy required to split the time stream was phenomenal and it might be many hours before he could return so he decided to venture to the nearest town. Perhaps there might be some interesting diversions.  

It had a strange name. NOTRE DAME.

He saw HER immediately inside the tavern. She carried two enormous jugs before her-and two flagons of Ale as well. He had now trouble buying the locals favours. Gold from whatever age was a friend to all men and as the party turned merrier she soon sat on his lap and whispered her name in his ear.  

Er, yes. Her name. What was it again? Emmra?, Tessa?

'Whatever!' smirked Nicholi and he found his way up the stairs and slipped inside the slightly ajar door. Inside the darkened room he saw a figure covered in a blanket. A musky, burnt smell assailed him but his lust ( and other things) were up and  tearing off his clothes he flung himself onto the bed.

*                          *                              *                               *                                *                                *

He woke. Suffice to say he couldn't't quite remember what had taken place but it was obviously the most blinding sex ever in history.  He turned to kiss his lover's mouth and -!

Screaming with shock and horror Nicholi leaped from the bed swords drawn. (oo, er missus!)

The bloated, fat face looked into his as the shambling horror farted it's large bulk off the bed to stand (God no) naked before him. It's drooling lips grinned insanely as it advanced with a lustful glint in it's eye.

Horrified Nicholi knew precisely what it wanted and suddenly in a flash he remembered the woman's name. Had he been that drunk to mistake this for her?

'ESMERALDA?!' he shouted sickened that he'd even touched the creature let alone...!

The  horror shook it's head and came on arms outstretched.

'NNOO!' it slobbered, 'QUASIMODO!!'

[Alski]

 

Nice one

[The Monarch]

isn't that the way of the world I do one and instead of getting comments it turns into five posts about a mistake from another one

loved the dante one by the by!

[Roger Godpleton]

BATMAN/JUDGE DREDD XII: WEEVILS ABOVE US (489 words)

Idi Amin had gone back in time to the 1960s so he could be a bellhop at the Sterling Cooper advertising agency where an evil plot was being hatched. Idi had volunteered for it so he could help his old pal Fred West get into Heaven  and out of Hell by doing a good deed like stopping an evil plot that was being hatched in history.

Don Draper came into the elevator where Idi was hopping and said hello and asked to be taken to the fifth floor. But then Roger Sterling demanded that he be let in the elevator. When they got out of the elevator the new person at Sterling Cooper who was also in the elevator said he would pay DeShawn (that was the codename Idi was using) him £20 if he could step on IdiShawn's shoes and possibly scuff them a bit. The new person at Sterling Cooper was actually Fred West in disguise and Idi had to use his angel telepathy - "You mean you will pay me $20" Fred West in disguise said "Here you go, as promised, twenty pounds". He then hit Idi in the arm twenty times as he really meant he was going to hit him in the arm twenty times as "pounds" was actually a euphamism for "punches". Don Draper and Roger Stirling were both impressed. "That was a really funny joke that you just told, you could go far as an advertising maker. I guess and guess on behalf of Don Draper that that is why you are here. This is an advertising agency after all."

Suddenly it hit Idi that the evil plot that was being hatched was Fred West's attempt at getting into Heaven by faking doing a good deed. It hit him as he realized that Fred hadn't changed. The evidence was that Fred had used this time-travelling trip as an excuse to try and make history by inventing the "I'll give you five pounds as in punches not currency" joke but he was so insane and egomaniacal that he had made the amount twenty pounches because he wanted to be four times better than everyone else. Idi knew what he had to do. He kicked Fred in the balls and made him collapse on the ground crying like a girl who has a cunt instead of a penis. Then he snapped Fred's neck and used an angel portal to go back to Heaven. He was a bit sad that Fred couldn't have changed his ways and had ended up back in Hell but he was also satisfied that an evil plot to destroy Heaven by using sleeper agents had been foiled. He went to his house where he had sex with a load of white women all afternoon and then he went on the internet for a few hours whilst having reruns of Bernard's Watch on in the background before he went to bed.

[Alski]

Back on the meths, Roger..?

Not a lot of 2000AD references in that one.

Or sense...

or coherant narrative...

Nice swearing though 

[COMMANDO FORCES]

It was a Saturday night after the pubs had shut