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A thing wot I wrote

Started by Paul faplad Finch, 11 July, 2010, 01:08:58 AM

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Paul faplad Finch

Right, so here's the thing. I don't normally post in the creative common area of the board for the simple reason that I'm intimidated by all you talented bastards and don't really feel qualified.
    I've been writing for years. I alternate between occasional attempts at future shock submissions to ideas for screenplays. The future shocks are inevitably binned when complete for the sin of being shit. The screenplays don't even get that far, as I never seem to finish them. It is this seeming inability to follow through on my ideas and produce a finish product that has lead me to give up on the (far fetched) idea of ever making any money from writing.
    I still do it though, because even though I never get anywhere with my projects, the thought of not writing just seems wrong. The ideas keep on coming, it'd be wrong to not at least try to do something with them.
     Now, while I've entered a few short stories on here, I already know my prose is shit, so not doing particularly well on them is no huge blow to my ego but when it comes to my scripting  I've only ever shown my work to one person.He didn't rhapsodise about it, always had notes, but he was never particularly brutal either. I'd like to think that was because it wasn't totally shit, but I'm sure it was more to do with the fact that he was a mate and had to see me every day.
     I know that a lot of artists have posted their work on here for critiquing purposes but I've not seen it done by writers, other than he who must not be named and critiquing wasn't really his motivation. Thats obviously because writers need to protect their ideas in a way that artists don't. However, since I write purely for my own amusement and have no illusions of either a) ever selling my work or b) my work being particularly worthy of theft, I have decided to post a scene from the screenplay I'm currently lying to myself about being determined to finish. Feel free to mercilessly rip it to shreds. I'm not completely happy with it myself, so I'll be interested to see if you all have the same thoughts as I did.
 
I should say that I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to the formatting of scripts or the technical language of film,which is why there is none, so it's realy just story and dialogue that I'd appreciate comments on.

I should warn you that I'm copy/pasting from celtx and it doesn't translate very well. Apologies. Here it is:

EXT. forest clearing. day

SARAH sits on a log. She is very still, staring at the ground, lost in thought. KARL enters the clearing behind her, reaches out to touch her shoulder. She starts, but seeing that it's him she relaxes.

SARAH
Hi.

KARL
Hi.

SARAH
What are you doing here?

KARL
Wondered where you'd got to. Saw you talking to Kristen then you just disappeared. You know, it's not really safe to be wandering around alone. You don't know what's out here.

SARAH
I just needed some time to think that's all. Some of the stuff that's going on, it's all a bit...

KARL
Yeah. I know what you mean. It's all gone a bit Langoliers.

SARAH
I was gonna say Lost.

KARL
Well yeah, but that's because you're culturally stunted.

She laughs and moves across, allowing him to sit down. They cosey up to each other and he takes her hand.

KARL
Look, I know things haven't been great between us lately but you can talk to me you know. You don't have to go through all this on your own.

SARAH
You know something? The plane coming down, what happened to David and Simon, even those things, whatever the Hell they are, I can handle all that. It's like, it's so ridiculous, you know, so weird, you just have to go with it. Because if you really think about it for a minute, let that stuff get a hold in your head, you'd just go completely fucking insane.

So I'm not thinking about any of that. I'm thinking about the real world, the world I'm hoping to God I'm going to wake up to any minute now. And it turns out that world is just as fucked up as this one.

KARL
I don't know what you...

SARAH
It's Kristen.

KARL stiffens a little, gives her an appraising look. She doesn't notice.

SARAH
(continued)
She's been seeing someone.

KARL
So what? I keep telling you, she's not your responsibility, you can't keep winding yourself up about her.

SARAH
(defensive but resolute)
She's a good kid, I like her. And her Dad treats her like shit. God knows I can relate to that. I worry about her that's all.

KARL
Fair enough. But so what if she's seeing someone? That's what teenagers do.

SARAH
He's a lot older than her.

KARL
She told you that?

KARL gets up and moves away from her slightly to stand against a tree.

KARL
(continued)
How old exactly.

SARAH
In his 30's. It's sick Karl. But she can't see it, she loves him.

KARL
I don't really...I mean...is it though? I mean, you might not like the idea but she's 16. Technically she's legal and the guys doing nothing wrong.

SARAH
Except she's been seeing him for years. Since she was 13 she says. Anyway, she only had her birthday last month and she's 3 months gone.

KARL changes his demeanor completely. He becomes very stiff, his movements restrained, his voice cold.

KARL
She's pregnant?

SARAH
Yeah, and she's terrified.

KARL
She should be.

SARAH
What? What are you...

KARL
3 years of trying and now she does it. She always did have crap timing.

SARAH
(realisation dawning)
My God. It's you. You're...

KARL
Shame, I reckon I'd have made a good Aunt.

SARAH
Aunt? What are you...I don't believe this. I can't...


KARL
Will you shut up, I'm trying to think.

SARAH
(vehemently)
She's a kid.

KARL
Yeah, and I felt bad about it for a while. I'm not a pervert, I don't get off on that stuff, if she'd been older I'd have still... I seduced her for the same reason I seduced her mother.

SARAH
Her mother? Jesus!

KARL
Watch your mouth. And yes, her mother. I needed to father a kid into that family. Preferably more than one. I'd already wrapped the mother round my little finger, figured I'd have Kristen as well, once she was old enough to conceive. Increase the chances. I have to say though...

He moves back to SARAH, leans in close. She shrinks from him but he grabs her by the hair.

KARL
(continued)
Once I got past the whole age thing, I really kind of enjoyed myself. Oh, the things she would do. Puts your pathetic frigid fumbling to shame.

SARAH
(whispers)
I hate you.

KARL
Really. Oh well, can't be helped.

SARAH
(shouts)
I hate you.

KARL
You said.

He pushes her to the ground, turns around, begins to walk away.

KARL
You know, you should see this as a good thing. Put us behind you, move on with whats left of your...

She grabs a rock, starts running towards him. He spins, disarms her and wraps her in a clinch from behind. She struggles, attempts to fight him off.

KARL
(laughing)
This is fun. Where was this fire when we were screwing? Can't stick around to take advantage though, got things to do. Gotta go and check on Grace. I have big plans for her.

SARAH stops struggling, going limp and beginning to sob.

SARAH
(whispering)
You're sick. A sick, twisted... You're a monster.

KARL stops laughing, snaps her neck, lets the body drop to the floor.

KARL
You have no idea.











It doesn't mean that round my way
Pessimism is Realism - Optimism is Insanity
The Impossible Quest
Musings Of A Nobody
Stuff I've Read

Zarjazzer

it certainly has a very screenplay style to it. There are various scrip formats on the internet for comic book styles like;-

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/writing_comic_books_strips/82395

That said it was a straighforward read. Karl is an utter bastard and one hopes he gets his just desserts but many folk seem to think "do as thou will shall be all fo the law" so depending on what you're writing he may get away.

there is however alot packed in to a relatively short scene. that said I  liked reading it. I'm probably wrong but is Karl in fact some sort of devil? It just came across that way somehow. keep writing! (i'm too lazy and have no talent).
The Justice department has a good re-education programme-it's called five to ten in the cubes.

CraveNoir

I could've done with an idea of age and vague description of Sarah and Karl. Just a sentence as each character is introducted. eg "Sarah, in her 30s, wearing cut-off jeans and a sweat-stained UCLA t-shirt, sits on a log in a clearing." Very quick visual sketches of the character aren't uncommon in scripts, but they shouldn't be anything beyond a blurry outline of what we're looking at, of course.

that's because you're culturally stunted. She laughs...
kind of an ideal reaction from a woman there! Best I'd hope for if I said that would be an annoyed look from Sarah, or a dismissive snort, as she's been sitting on that log brooding about her talk with Kristen, and might not be in the mood for banter.

"And her Dad treats her like shit. God knows I can relate to that."
When I read that I thought it divided sympathy between Sarah and Kristen, and would be better if we got a hint of Sarah's relationship with her dad at another time,  unless we're already been made aware of Kristen and her dad's relationship in an earlier scene.

I don't understand the bit about Karl being an aunt.

I tried to get an idea of what kind of person Sarah was as I read, and initially had to make her a bit tough 'cos of the way she's swearing (in fact she phrases like a man would IMHO), but then when she says "I hate you" it's a weak and wet reaction. Either  you haven't got inside her head, or I haven't.

At what point does karl know he's going to kill Sarah? Wouldn't he know when he tells her his plan, and enjoy her distress? But he throws her to the ground and walks away, so doesn't he care that Sarah could turn Grace, Kristen and whomever else against him?

A few lines in I thought of Richard Laymon's novels in which scenes with this feel often take place. And it continues being Laymon-y which is fun. It make me think of "Island" which I heartily recommend.

Paul faplad Finch

I've been to chicken to read the replies on here until now. How soft am I? Anyway, I'm really grateful that you've put so much thought into your responses. I hope no-one minds if I bang up another big post tomorrow with some discussion of the points raised? I want to give it some thought first.

It doesn't mean that round my way
Pessimism is Realism - Optimism is Insanity
The Impossible Quest
Musings Of A Nobody
Stuff I've Read

Richmond Clements

Ohhh- just spotted this.

I'll have a peek at your script as soon as I find a moment!

Paul faplad Finch

So I'd like to respond to some of the comments made here. They're all worthless because it's obviously perfect as it is. So there.

Only joking.

The Laymon connection - I hadn't thought of that but I did read a fair bit of his stuff as a teenager and I suppose it must have rubbed off. I do tend to have villains that are either sexually deviant themselves or simply, as in this case, use sex as a tool/weapon.
Endless Night was a Laymon I read several times, the cutaways to the killers memoir being especially chilling. Was Island the one were the hero beats the villain [spoiler]but then decides to keep the captives for himself?[/spoiler]

Describing the characters - My bad this one. I described the characters in their respective first scenes, which is no use at all to anyone being asked to read this one. Sorry. Should perhaps, given the violent nature and outdoor setting of this particular story, give more indication of costume and physical deterioration in each scene. I'm too keen to get to the dialogue. What can I say, I'm an enthusiastic amateur.

Her laughing at his nerdy joke - It was intended as an ice breaker, his attempt to lighten the mood so she's less resistant to his fishing for info. I can see where her reaction might seem innapropriate though. To be honest, among my many shortcomings, humour is a biggy. I'm a pretty funny bloke, or at least I can always raise a laugh in conversation, but thats me being spontaneous. When I sit and think about it and actually try to be funny, I'm a bit rubbish. As anyone who has ever read my posts on here can attest.

Divided sympathy - To be honest the line mentioned was simply meant to reference the fact that Kristens Dad is not very nice to Sarah in his capacity as her boss, which is a running theme. Taken in isolation though, and given that they are discussing a troubled teen, it really does seem like a hint at a troubled past for Sarah. Completely unintentional. A problem with seperating a single scene from the whole. Ironically, Sarah was going to have been molested as a child in a previous version of this story, her emotional damage being used by Karl to control her, and also heightening her outrage at the treatment of Kristen. Then I realised that virtually every character was either a perpetrator of or victim of sexual abuse and I was veering dangerously close to dodgy underground porno world. All Richard Laymons fault I now realise. Or possibly I watch too much dodgy underground porn.

Karl being an Aunt - Yes, well, you see... That is an incredibly clunky bit of foreshadowing of the 'big twist' ending. I realised that the ending, while being very clever and making perfect sense if you understood the mythology I'd come up with in my head, was utter bobbins if you didn't. And I was doing a crappy job of explaining it. Short of a huge expository/expositional? scene at the end with Karl explaining everything Scooby Doo style it was gonna fall flat. Hence trying to go back and seed some stuff in. This line was intended to be a throwaway reference, Karl pretty much talking to himself. It will almost certainly change/be excised.

Timing of Karls decision to kill Sarah - I have no excuse/explanation for that. It's bad writing.

Karl 'some kind of Devil' - Karl is a supernatural Evil yes. I'm guessing you got that from the "Jesus" "Watch your mouth" exchange and also the final words of the scene.
That "You're a monster" "You have no idea" exchange, and yes I know how cliched it is, was originally in the middle of the scene, just after she realises he's the abuser, as another one of my not so subtle hints about the finale. I moved it to the end of the scene simply because it felt dead if he didn't have a line on the murder. Just killing her and walking away seemed flat. Now I wonder whether the line isn't better buried. It seems like it's too in your face to end on that line. It highlights it too much. A  bit of a DUN DUN DUR moment as Flint might say. Does that make sense? I've changed it several times back and forth.

Getting inside Sarahs head - THIS. This is the very reason I chose this particular scene to post. I just can't seem to get this character to speak with any kind of consistent voice and it's bugging the hell out of me. I'm just glad someone else has seen it and I'm not stressing over nothing. She's not in the script for a huge amount of time but she's very important because I'm trying to set her up, right until her death, as a potential 'Final Girl' if you like. I'm trying to make it seem like it's between her and Kristen, although it turns out to be neither. This kind of problem, I have to admit, is the kind of thing that usually leads to me scrapping projects. I have never had the patience. I'm really trying to crack this one though.


Wow, writing this has really made me think.  Thanks again. And possibly some comments from Mr Clements to come too...

Oh, and zarjazzer, lack of talent never stopped me from having a bash, although laziness has possibly hindered said bash.





It doesn't mean that round my way
Pessimism is Realism - Optimism is Insanity
The Impossible Quest
Musings Of A Nobody
Stuff I've Read