Man Stuff

[Simon Beigh]

It is the traditional role of the adult male in my household (me) to do certain physical activities. Getting the lids off jam jars, unblocking the sink, de-fluffing the washing machine, getting the cake box down from the top of the kitchen cupboard... Sometime, these things require brute strength. Something God decided not to give me.

My wife is very good at keeping up with the gardening, whilst I sit watching her with a beer and offering some encouraging words. But imagine my shock when our 10 foot conifer tree disappeared from the front garden one day to become a set of stumps. And picture if you will the scene when Mrs B says that it is my job to remove said stumps... I'm not a physical kind-of guy. I weigh 11 stone. I struggle carrying the shopping from Sainsbury's. I sit on my arse all day in an office. But, like an idiot, I agree to this request.

So today I have spent 3 hours taking out this bloody tree stump. It has tap roots that extend to the Earth's core. It has had baby trees, and they are stuck in the ground - seemingly with concrete. The tools at my disposal are:
- a spade.
- a saw.
- Bertha

I dunno what Bertha is. My Dad gave her to me. She is a bloody great pick axe thing that weighs a tonne. The last time I used her, to put a pipe in the ground for a washing line (don't ask), I clonked myself on the head and ended up in Casualty with concussion.

Anyway, I start hacking away at this tree stump thing. After an hour I have made a small trench around the root ball but the bloody thing is stuck fast. I retire to the kitchen and search for "Tree Root Removal" on Google on my iPad. But after a cheese sandwich and several glasses of Coke I think "Meh! Bloody tree ain't gonna defeat me". So I go back out and give it the beans for another hour. I have made a bigger trench, but the thing still ain't moving...

A closer inspection reveals the mother of all roots right next to the water inspection cover. Do we need a water inspection cover? Dunno. So I hacked away at it taking equal chunks out of the cover and the tree root. I also smashed up a green pipe. Dunno what it does, but we still have electricity and the Internet, so it probably wasn't important. I smash the root with a spade, use the saw on it, hack away with Bertha...

Finally, after an hour of rocking the damn stump backwards and forwards the thing comes loose. As the thing came loose, with me rocking it backwards and forwards, I am hurled across the garden and end up in the lavender bushes. So at least I smell nice.

So I think "That's it I'm done, beer o'clock". Oh no. Mrs B says I have to put all the soil back and make it look nice. So, whilst muttering a lot under my breath, I will my aching muscles to use another tool (a shovel fact fans) to put all the earth back.

And then I'm done... I can't move my back or neck, and my arms barely work (they are leaning on the desk as I type, my fingers dancing on the keyboard) but I did it.... I feel good...

I turn 39 tomorrow and feel I have achieved something worthwhile. I have drunk a beer, eaten another packet of crisps and life is OK. But now I am left wondering if I will be able to move in the morning to get to work on time. I fear not...

Here is the "Stump of Doom" and it's babies:



I would like to hear other boarders tales of "Man Stuff". This is an equal opportunities thread. Ladies not excluded, folks, as the fairer sex are also adept with implements of destruction (as my mother-in-law proves with the way she tackles the garden and she's in her 70's).

Thank you for listening. It's been emotional...

[JamesC]

I have feeling that green pipe may have been important!

[Daveycandlish]

This is why I get a man in.
I have an artists hands, I don't sully them labouring.

[Lobo Baggins]

I have feeling that green pipe may have been important!

Ah!  I know this one.  A green pipe in the garden can only mean one thing.

You've got an infestation of leprechauns.  No wonder your tree fell down!

One's going to be awfully cross about his pipe.  You might need to subdue them with Guinness.

(A green pipe usually houses fibre optic cable, if I recall...)

[Lobo Baggins]

I have an artists hands, I don't sully them labouring.

I too have an artist's hands.

I keep 'em in a box, and on cold winter nights when the moon is full, I sometimes hear them... scrabbling, clawing at the lid, desperate to escape!

But THEY CAN'T ESCAPE!  MWHAHAHAHA!

[CrazyFoxMachine]

With this and the "biddies who used to be fit" thread the off-topic section is entering a strange new post-underware world of very specific male-based topics.

Up-coming thread titles:

"Isn't it great having balls?"

"Cocks and where to put them"

"Show off your beard!"

"I'm thinking of purchasing a Codpiece"

"Sports. Something about sports."

"All my friends are blokes and that's fine because we're all blokes. Blokes blokes blokes."

"Gender diversity in niche communities: A study in self-perpetuating cycles of exclusionary behaviour"

[Definitely Not Mister Pops]

So sports are exclusively for men now? For that matter why would a woman be excluded from any of those topics?

[SKD]

 I like the sound of the "Show off your beard" thread...

Not so keen on "Cocks and where to put them" though, as I have never kept poultry.

Stew.

[Definitely Not Mister Pops]

I've heard that they released a bunch of battery hens so they could be free range but they showed symptoms of agorophobia. Poor wee things were institutionalized or had (live)stockholm syndrome or something.

[Simon Beigh]

I have feeling that green pipe may have been important!

I did too. So once I heard a loud THUNK and stopped to pull out two pieces of said pipe, I immediately informed my Site Supervisor. Mrs B had a sniff, and said "It's not gas, carry on". I said we should perhaps get a second opinion. So Mrs B called across to our neighbour who was off to a party in impossibly high heels. She took a quick look and said we shouldn't worry about it, she wouldn't. No water was shooting out, I didn't electrocute myself, the Internet still works.... It's fine!

We think it might have been a water pipe for when the garden was young, or something to do with the garden lighting we inherited that used to cause frequent power cuts due to internal mains flex being used in a garden environment. We got a man to take that out. I don't muck about with electrics...

[IAMTHESYSTEM]

For sheer manly ness and stiff upper lipped ness you can't beat mowing the lawn-with a flamethrower.

http://youtu.be/omQGQN8J8zU

[Ghost MacRoth]

the off-topic section is entering a strange new post-underware world of very specific male-based topics.

Yeah, well, doesn't that simply reflect that it's mostly a male based membership (pardon the pun!)? 

[Spikes]

Thank you for listening. It's been emotional...

In the same way its great to watch other people work, its be fun to right about your endeveavours whilst ive done sod all today.
Even had a little afternoon siesta. 

But thats OK, as the day job, a lot of times, involves doing what youve just ben doing. 'Cept we employ a digger to get 'em out - in next to no time!

[SKD]

 I worked in a drop forge with a bloke, who would sit on the workbench and remove the hard skin on his feet with an angle grinder.    He would also light his cigarette with a hot billet stright out of the furnace, you could smell his moustache singeing.

Stew.

[Simon Beigh]

... we employ a digger to get 'em out - in next to no time!

This is what I told Mrs B. She wouldn't have it, though.

And is your digger a boy or a girl. Because girls can do Man Stuff too. My mother-in-law is a dab hand with loft insulation...

I worked in a drop forge with a bloke, who would sit on the workbench and remove the hard skin on his feet with an angle grinder.    He would also light his cigarette with a hot billet stright out of the furnace, you could smell his moustache singeing.

Stew.

THAT'S what I'm talking about!