Life is riddled with a procession of minor impediments

[The Legendary Shark]

Sharkamada to you, minion.

[Trout]

I've ended up quasi-compulsorily on one of those there unemployment courses, allegedly aimed at improving my whoring skills (with the-piss-artist-formerly-known-as-FÁS, for my Irish chums).  This means, somewhat inevitably, that I spent the morning explaining what I thought my strengths (lovemaking of unusual intensity and duration, obviously) and weaknesses (no discrimination with the distribution of said lovemaking), and the afternoon ranking items in order of importance to jungle-plane-crash-survival (nobody else felt the rum should be No. 1).  Oh, and three trips to the subsidised canteen. 

Meanwhile, childcare for the day cost me €50 for one kid and invaluable grandparent goodwill for the other.  It's a day a week for 8 weeks, so that's €400 minimum, and unspecified amounts of domestic labour, it's going to cost me.  I'm unemployed for f***'s sake - indeed I had to be for at least 6 months to qualify.  My dole is €12 short of my half of the mortgage every week as it is. 

If I'm paying that kind of money I want more than 20 idiots preparing for a debate on why the second mouse is wiser than the early bird.  I want something that'll get me a f***ing job.

I realise the answer is almost certainly no, but is there no subsidised childcare? That's mental.

[Emperor]

Be pliant.
Be durable.
Be productive.

You sound like an alternate universe Torquemada. 

We all know a modern day Inquisition would be working at the Job Centre, just underpaid and understaffed.

[TordelBack]

I realise the answer is almost certainly no, but is there no subsidised childcare? That's mental.

The many, many official people I pestered on this subject were very sympathetic, but no, nada, nowt, nuffink. 

Despite a personal horror of asking for help, I'm actually going to go to the local Community Welfare Officer tomorrow and plead hardship  - if they can (allegedly) pony up €300 for kids' First Communion dresses, they can give me something towards creche fees (I've previously thought of asking for money for a chemistry set, a microscope or a telescope for my kids because I don't see the fecking difference... but I digress).  Of course the reason they won't give me anything is because my wife has a job.  Ignoring the fact that that I'd hardly need bloody childcare if she didn't.

I mock the predictable stereotypical group-encounter shite we were handed today in the name of 'career options development', but I really do need to do this course, and I really can't afford it.

[paddykafka]

Sorry to hear about that, Tordel. Really does show just how fucked up the whole system is in this country. Hope the course goes well for ye anyway. On the bright side, I'm assuming the tutor hasn't given you a banana and asked you to pretend that it's a phone so that you can have a conversation with an imaginary prospective employer? (I'm long enough in the tooth to remember when they actually used to inflict things like that on people doing FAS courses!). Best of luck to ye!

[Banners]

Take your kids with you - sounds like they're not making you do anything worthwhile that they could get in the way of...?

[TordelBack]

Apologies for the pointless self-pitying whining there, people. 

Was in a deeply irritated humour yesterday:  I've been on a waiting list for over three months for this course (which has been postponed twice), and had understood (from my original application meeting) that I was going to get some form of childcare, so it was frustrating to discover that the course so far was just the usual 'group interaction' bollocks I've done several times before and I was going to be seriously out of pocket.  I found myself sitting opposite a guy from Rwanda who spoke six languages fluently and had a physics doctorate and 12 years experience in component testing and quality control reporting, and I couldn't help thinking "what this man needs is a job in his field, not re-training to be a receptionist or salesman'. 

It truly is a very minor impediment, just a niggle, at least from the other side of a night's sleep and cup of tea.

[Satanist]

I just reached into my shirt pocket to get change and somehow pinched my right nipple between 2 coins. It was agony.

[TordelBack]

I just reached into my shirt pocket to get change and somehow pinched my right nipple between 2 coins. It was agony.

Intelligent design me arse.

[The Legendary Shark]

Tordels, you should set up a child-minding business for people who have to go on government courses...

But yeah, take the kids with you. If they refuse to let you in with them, make the course manager to put down in writing why they are refusing you entry. Repeat every time you have to attend. If they say you can't bring them, just say "I don't understand" (that's all, you've no need to give a reason) and keep on taking them anyway. Tell the kids to be naughty and run around the office. Make sure the office's insurance policy covers you and your kids while you're in attendance, if it doesn't, demand that it will. Get your fellow inmates to do the same with their kids. If the Gov aren't going to pay you the childcare, they should also have to deal with the consequences.

The Gov works for you, not the other way around, so approach these schemes on your own terms.

[Trout]

I just reached into my shirt pocket to get change and somehow pinched my right nipple between 2 coins. It was agony.

Intelligent design me arse.

This made me guffaw. Until now, I thought guffawing was something that only happened in children's comics, so I am pleased to confirm it exists.

All the best, Turdelbonk. You deserve a break.

- Trout

[JayzusB.Christ]

I just got my smartphone fixed for free by my local Samsung customer service place - and have now lost most of the hearing in my left ear and a bit in my right so only get less than half of the stereo effect.
Nothing serious, I'm on a course of eardrops and pills to sort it out, but a bit of a pisser.

Tordelback, now your story is a proper pisser. Hope things start going your way soon. Pity there isn't a job vacancy for expert crossword solvers or highly effective point-arguers, you'd walk it

[M.I.K.]

Tordels, you should set up a child-minding business for people who have to go on government courses...

He'd need to take a few courses before he'd be allowed to do that.

[CrazyFoxMachine]

Went looking for my first ever flat to rent today in Bristol. I was mesmerised by the letting agent's ability to exude stupidity and also - at the same time - make me feel ridiculously naive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfEra7DCClY&feature=youtu.be
<-- it was literally this

[Roger Godpleton]

Two hues