Life is riddled with a procession of minor impediments

[Ancient Otter]

Quite.

Interestingly, a close friend of mine recently told me that his wife had always suffered from quite extreme and uncontrollable PMS, and that the symptoms had almost completely been brought under control after her stopping taking the pill. Can only find broadly anecdotal evidence of this online though.

A woman I know was advised to go on the pill. As the Doctor was prescribing it to her she said, don't use the pill as an excuse to be in a bad mood or give out to her partner. She went off the pill eventually as she felt it really was affecting her moods.

[Richmond Clements]

Thanks for the backup.

I wasn't going to elaborate, but Richmond - very easy for you to say that, but believe me when I say that I am NOT just talking about a bit of grumpiness and sulking here. I could deal with that no problem. I'm not really prepared to go into details here, but it is often truly unbearable. I don't say that lightly.

Genuinely interested to hear other people's experiences, or tips for getting through it.

Really? Easy for me is it? And you know of my own personal experiences how?

[Hawkmumbler]

Just to intergect, I felt Radiator was refering to your perception of HIS instance, not his perception of your own.

[Sideshow Bob]

...but I suppose the first step is getting her to see that it's a real thing - the problem is that she is always able to somehow justify her outrageous behaviour, and convince herself that it's just as much my fault as it is hers (she has perhaps acknowledged/owned up to 10% of the problem after years of me trying to get through to her about it), and by the time the cycle finally calms down, the absolute last thing I want to do is bring it all up again!

...

Yes, seen all that before as well......and it's so difficult to 'bring the subject up again' when all has settled down......As you do not want to 'provoke' more arguments... This is so typical of the 'cyclic' behaviour associated with aspects of Depression.....
In my case, my wife is a Nurse, and adamantly believes that she would recognise the 'symptoms' if she had them, as she has seen people with Depression who are much worse than her, so therefore it can't be that......And therefore it must be mine, or someone else's 'fault'.....When to be honest there is 'no fault' with anyone....It is an illness..
Despite the fact that my Wife's behaviour is much like your partners...ie...Almost manic outbursts of uncontrollable anger, illogical behaviour, tiredness, letting normal household 'chores' go...( messy as opposed to her normal very tidy self ), extreme periods of 'touchiness' and other periods of 'highs' / really 'happy' times.....She still refuses to acknowledge that she is ill....and that has been one of the hardest parts of it all...

Some very good points from Tordleback as well about the 'refusal' to accept / admit / get help for a problem which is unfortunately very badly 'stigmatised' as 'Mental Illness'.....My wife is now on anti-depressants and this has alleviated some of the 'symptoms'...or 'masked them' slightly, so life is a bit more bearable now for both of us...Not Prozac I hasten to add, although they do induce a slight 'lethargy'....But the problem is still there,  and I can't see a solution to it either.....

Sincerely mate....Best Wishes to both of you.
Cheers..

[Noisybast]

Interestingly, a close friend of mine recently told me that his wife had always suffered from quite extreme and uncontrollable PMS, and that the symptoms had almost completely been brought under control after her stopping taking the pill. Can only find broadly anecdotal evidence of this online though.

As it happens, that's what "fixed" my girlfriend. She stopped taking the pill and became a lot more pleasant to be around. After a long layoff (12 months or so), she was prescribed a different type of pill and - so far - seems to be getting along more or less fine.

[JamesC]

I work with someone that gets PMS and its really fucking annoying. The problem is that the managers are embarrassed to do anything about it.
It's really bad some months, with everyone getting both barrels at the drop of the hat and one member of stuff being bullied, basically.
Now I can see that it may be awful for the woman involved but, in a professional setting, she has the responsibility to act in a professional manner.
I can see that I probably sound unsympathetic but I can totally see Radiator's problem must be excruciating to deal with and the crux of it, for me, is when he says that she won't admit to it even after the fact.
I always thought the first step in dealing with a problem was to first admit that you have a problem?

I'd be interested to know if Radiator's girlfriend has problems in the workplace because of this or if she manages to keep a lid on it until she gets home.

[radiator]

It seems to be laser-targeted at me - she is able to conceal it perfectly fine when with friends. I don't know how it impacts on her work as I don't see it first-hand, but I really hope not.

That's very, very interesting to hear NB. A few months ago i actually managed to talk her into casually asking a doctor about it, but they basically said "oh, its nothing to do with the pill", and talked her out of changing anything as doing so can come with its own complications, which was extremely disappointing.

The cycle is always the same - she goads me into losing my temper, so I end up saying and doing things I regret (I try my best to keep calm, but when someone is shouting at you for two hours straight when all you want to do is go to sleep...), and then I become the bad guy. It's then IMPOSSIBLE to get her to realise that it is ALWAYS her that engineers the whole thing in the first place, and that she has a serious problem. Now, I realise that sounds a bit like "you started it!", but seriously - I'm a very placid guy. As I said I hate confrontation and will always try and walk away from an argument.

I just don't know what to do, really. This weekend has been utterly horrendous, probably worse than its ever been before.

[JamesC]

There's not much you can do if she doesn't admit to having a problem.
I'd probably just go and stay at a mate's place or get a hotel - I seriously wouldn't be able to put up with it, so you're a better man than I am already.
I guess I might ask her to write down what she thinks I've done wrong, and then show it to her a couple of weeks later to see if she still thinks it sounds reasonable.

[Hawkmumbler]

Don't tolerate it. Happy relationship most of the time or not, if she has a problem that she won't admit to you don't owe her the courtesy of putting up with it. As James said, stay with a mate for a while and let her get it out of her system/ realise she does need help.

[JamesC]

Sorry to double post but something constructive you could possibly do is talk to her mum or a sister or auntie.
These things often run in the family and they may have some helpful advice.
It would probably be an uncomfortable conversation but if they can see you have her best interests at heart they have no reason to be offended.

[Jim_Campbell]

I just don't know what to do, really. This weekend has been utterly horrendous, probably worse than its ever been before.

Assuming you can have a sensible enough discussion about trying to improve the situation, I can't recommend St John's Wort highly enough. I'm not a big believer in traditional/herbal remedies, but my wife's a different person when she takes it, having previously been somewhat difficult to live with when visitations from PMS goblin were occurring.

Cheers

Jim

[Sideshow Bob]

I'm really sorry to sound 'negative' here...but I'm not trying to be, just looking at the 'problem' logically....
And I'm speaking from experience here...( over the last 5 years )

Your Situation: 
Its getting worse....and it seems to have been going on for a while...
It's always your fault...
There is nothing 'wrong' with her...You are the cause of all arguments and problems...
She refuses to admit there is a problem and will not get / or seek help....
Every month ( or so ) it comes around again and you are the bad guy again...

Picture this scenario continuing for another few years, without any real change.....

The point is ( and you obviously care for her, and wish things were different ) ....If things don't change, the feelings you have for her will ( eventually ), change, as no one can live like this forever, and your relationship will deteriorate to the extent that neither of you will want it to continue.....

Try explaining this to her in the most sympathetic way you can.....And that you are willing to help / do what you can to make things better....If that involves Relationship Advice sessions, say you are willing to give that a go, and anything else to help her ( and you ) overcome and resolve this 'problem'.......
If she still won't seek help, or admit that 'jointly' you have a problem......Then it's going to be up to you as to how long you are prepared to live like this.....It's obviously making you miserable, she is obviously unhappy as well, so unless you 'want' or are 'prepared to continue to live with / accept' this 'cycle' of behaviours it's going to be time to decide....
Sorry mate....

[Charlie boy]

My first short story:  REJECTED. Clunky and repetitive in places, dodgy ending.  Ah well, at least my proof-reading mate loved it (and he wasn't just saying.  I hope.).

Wouldn't worry about that one too much, mate. Stephen King mentions in that On Writing book of his a large nail he had sticking out of his wall that he managed to cover in reject letters. And now look at him- he's had loads of things published that should have been rejected since those early days!

[staticgirl]

Actually Radiator, once you started explaining a bit more I immediately started thinking about PMDD too. I'm lucky in that I don't get really bad PMS but I have polycystic ovaries which means a whole other range of problems. Both conditions are affected by imbalanced hormones and I know someone who started one pill, the PMDD went beserk so they started a different type of pill and her symptoms eased. It isn't the standard model of depression as most of the time the sufferer is okay - just that one week or two a month when life is utterly unbearable.

She must know that even at best she has really, really bad PMS and it really doesn't have to be that way. There are things a doc can do and she can feel less wretched. She may well have had less than sympathetic doctors who didn't listen before. It took me over 10 years to get some of my gynae problems diagnosed. So she should keep trying until someone takes her seriously.

Jayzus - keep trying! Loads of writers seem to paper their rooms with rejection slips - it comes up regularly in interviews. Just input the phrase into a search engine and see. However if you keep going you'll get there.

[JayzusB.Christ]

My first short story:  REJECTED. Clunky and repetitive in places, dodgy ending.  Ah well, at least my proof-reading mate loved it (and he wasn't just saying.  I hope.).

Wouldn't worry about that one too much, mate. Stephen King mentions in that On Writing book of his a large nail he had sticking out of his wall that he managed to cover in reject letters. And now look at him- he's had loads of things published that should have been rejected since those early days!

Cheers!  You're right about Stephen King, too, Needful Things was the last one I read and it was pretty shite.  Mind you, he can be really good too.