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Messages - Buttonman

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Announcements / Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« on: 21 December, 2021, 10:00:45 PM »

Well hello there. Take off that snow covered coat and step into the warmth of the LETTERSENTERTAINYOU Christmas party for 2021. We understand that certain restrictions are in place, but some people are above the rules, and that certainly includes people who write letters into a comic. We would ask that if you are collared that you say that only dropped in for an eye test or to molest some badgers. Don’t say you are in the Government - our brand couldn’t take the tarnish. Little bit of politics there!

The party is attended by all 41 writers on The Beast all time table and it’s great to be in the company of 39 celebrated letter writers. Tom Proudfoot is here too, but only because he has a long white beard and can dress up as Colonel Sanders and feed the masses.

Predictably enough we are doing a Christmas party theme this week and our well planned gags about all the attendees being INCEL men before it became fashionable has been upset with that rarest of beasts - a lady writer! Get the guts sucked in lads, Kathryn Morton of Leeds is here to show us how it’s done.

Kathryn is a regular Mary Christmas as she adds a touch of glamour to the sea of Primark jumpers and Blue Harbour jeans. This is Kathryn’s first letter, but  amazingly she’s not the first lady Morton as she joins Miranda of Aberystwyth who is still mentioned in dispatches following her Prog 406 appearance. To add to the fun we also have Rob and Ron Morton who appeared in Progs 1059 and 1079 although that may be him having fun or a Beast input error. Hardly likely!

Kathryn is an occasional reader who is celebrating her longest run of purchasing the Prog in ages. She’s liking it so much that she’s reading all of the stories - high praise indeed. She waxes lyrical about her favourite strips and suggests an all female creative team for Judge Anderson. I wonder what Alan Grant will say when Mek-Quake shows up with the scissors! Overall an enthusiastic and complimentary letter. Down with this kind of thing.

Next up we’re having a gang bang, which can only mean that John Bateson of Grantham has commandeered the tape deck with his ‘Black Lace’s Greatest Hits’ cassette. John is an old hand with this being his fourth outing on the letters page. His last offering, in Prog 2133 was a letter of the week as was is first in Prog 1555 in 2007. He has always lived in Lincolnshire but has become more open in his last two letters by being more specific with his Grantham listing. Had to Google that - please be more consistent when writing your letters!

Despite his Lincolnshire abode John is clearly from the Land of the Righteous but lets us all down with a bit of patois - c’mon John, only Elaine C Smith and Rab C Nesbitt actually talk like that! To be fair it looks like John hasn’t forgotten his roots as he’s clearly been on the bevvy with this outpouring of consciousness.

Secret Santa time now as Iain Harper of email unwraps his first gift to the lettering masses. He joins two other Harpers ‘DG’ in Prog 490 and Matt in Prog 2041. Sadly the gift will have to go back and be exchanged for Matalan vouchers as this one isn’t for the keeping. Iain  likes the Regened Progs but thinks that decision time has arrived. Tharg agrees and says he’s sticking with it, so there. Iain lets his 8 year old read the Prog so maybe the lad can explain ‘Proteus Vex’ to us?

Right stop the party. Someone has spewed up over the coats and passed out - better call in Dr (call me Doctor) Rob Beattie of Blainslie - which is in Scotland (Google again). The good Doctor is pushed to the floor by  Dr Rich Evans who holds 10th spot on the Beast all time list on 27 and doesn’t appreciate anyone encroaching on his territory. The two other Beatties on the list  Chris (Meg 8) and Jack (Prog 281) try to assist but their single letter scores don’t get them by the bouncer.

Dr Rob’s letter is a bit hard to follow - I blame the handwriting - but we think he’s saying his kid likes the Regened issues and he’s into ’The Out’ - it’s all inconsequential as he leaves with his Christmas cake - and his teeth - in a bag, out the emergency exit.

Well that’s us past the halfway mark and time to roll out the buffet. Sadly the order got mixed up in the pandemic chaos and it’s three sheets of toilet paper for everyone washed down with a cup of hand sanitizer. We’ve had worse nights. None of which were spent with Gary & Zack Pickup of Salford. We’re not clear why they are named after a truck but it does explain why they are drinking cans of Monster. Zack is a new entrant on the Beast Database but this is Gary’s 3th offering following a quick double header in Progs 1405 and 1409 in 2004. Guess he must have lost interest in writing in and started seeing women. What a weirdo!

The letter reveals the truth as Gary used his Prog money to procreate and now has Zack to continue the cycle. Gary is onside with the Regened issues (Can we have a moratorium on this topic please?!) and Zack is now a convert much to Tharg’s delight. One of us! One of us!

As the night begins to wind down the lights go up and the celebrity guest is revealed - It’s Steve Frame from Thurso! Yay. Steve is the only Beast Leader board participant to get a letter printed and for that we have to say ‘damn it’s always a double pager at Christmas, what was I thinking?!’ This is Steve’s 33rd letter to see print and it cements him in his longstanding 4th place over all, fewer than a dozen behind Grant Goggans on 44. Steve has his place on the LETTERSENTERTAINYOU Mount Rushmore, but over to the side a bit. Next to Jimmy Carter.

Steve first letter was in Prog 1405 which amazingly was the same as that for Gary Pickup in the letter above! A Christmas miracle! Steve uses the tired and tested method of having a theme, saying that things are ‘Smart’ and ‘Dumb’. We have our own -  ‘Boring’ and ‘Predictable’. Boring : This letter! Predictable: also this letter! Good to have you here Steve!

The lights are beginning to dim and it’s time for the erection section in the company of Will Fairbairn of East Lothian who celebrates his 3rd offering with this issue. In Will’s first two letters printed in Progs 1930 and 2039 he went by ‘Willie’ - don’t hide your light under that bushel Willie, we’re all friends here.

Willie gets a ‘one hit wonder’ in by asking a single question and getting out. It’s a good scheme as Tharg loves to be pitched soft balls that he can knock out the park with a big Pluggg!

Right the caretaker has arrived and you can all bugger off and take that tinsel with you. Someone in no mood to argue is Anthony O’Connor of Email who has gotten merry on this his fourth letter to see print. In his first three he was in Ireland starting with his Prog 1940 début n 2015. He was last seen in Meg 372 in 2016 so he has five years to make up for which he has done with aplomb and with Happy Shopper cider.

Being tired and emotional Anthony barely manages a sentence in his letter before passing out. Sleep well sweet prince and come up with something better next time.

Right that’s it - we’re off to pull some crackers and we don’t mean have relations with ladies.

Happy Christmas!

Events / Re: Jocks team up 45th anniversary?
« on: 26 November, 2021, 12:01:15 AM »
5th Feb should be OK, 5th March not so much as it's the wife's birthday weekend.

Events / Re: Jocks team up 45th anniversary?
« on: 24 November, 2021, 06:35:59 PM »
Is this in February? I'll say yes now and look forward to cancelling nearer the time.

Announcements / Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« on: 21 November, 2021, 11:41:33 PM »
Some great cake based debate here - thanks for bringing Louis to the fold Crazyfox . Of course all comments are tongue in cheek and Louis' points were well made although the cake analogy is stretched somewhat. Please relay our thanks for his feedback Crazyfox and suggest he gets a log in so he can offer his abuse from close range.

Announcements / Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« on: 17 November, 2021, 12:34:54 PM »

And we’re back. We took the last letters page off as it was mostly new writers and two people with a measly 3 letters printed. No meat for the grinder there. Amazingly no one noticed or complained - what a patient audience! Prog 2258 saw a decent offering of five letters in the inside back page. In a desperate bid to stay relevant we have jumped on a pop cultural bandwagon once again and present the Letterentertainyou Squid Game. OK this was popular a month ago and has now been done to death, but just be grateful it’s not Cobra Kai. That’s booked for next month.

Our poorly thought out format is to test each letter against a playground game of yester year - who will win the 40 Wan? and who will be the one that stabs himself in the neck at the end?

We kick off with the classic ‘Dog Shit on a Stick’ and trying to avoid getting it on his school bag is Louis Carter of Emailland. We know from his previous six letters that Louis lives in York having originally hailed from Cornwall from where he penned his fist two letters which appeared in Progs 1220 and 1443. He then went to York where his next missive appeared exactly 100 Progs later in 1523. Of his seven letters this is his first to achieve Letter of the Week status.

Louis practices the old bait and switch and starts off by slagging several thrills. He gets quite angry before coming around 180 degrees - its all fine! The rubbish is there for idiots to enjoy whilst he can revel in his more cerebral thrills. He dresses it up so that Tharg buys in and agrees that basically he’ll print what he likes and we can live with it. Fair enough, but that should be no excuse for sub par content. With his messy argument Louis does not avoid the shitty stick and heads home to hose down his Head bag with his head hung low.

Next up and playing ‘Chap door run away’ is Kevin Foakes of that London. There will be some ‘Foakes Singing’ tonight as Kevin celebrates his 10th published letter and gains entrance to the Beast scoreboard with the coveted ¬¬¬ designator. Kevin boasts 7 Prog letters (2 L of W) and 3 Meg hits. He first appeared when living in Reigate in 1988’s Prog 557 giving him an impressive 33 year letter footprint. Prior to this offering he was previously seen  with a Letter of the Week offering in the recent Prog 2216. He enters the Beast all time list in bottom place, 38th=.

Kevin’s letter is a miserable affair - he confirms his letters longevity by saying he’s been reading for 40 years - rest those eyes Kevin! He really hates the Regened Progs but comes across a bit of a curmudgeon stating that as a subber he doesn’t want to pay for these. Bloody kids, bring back ‘Big Dave’ like the good old days! Sadly Kevin’s zimmer topples over as he escapes from the door knocking and gets a quick kick in the arse for his troubles.

Paul Tapner of Poole next taking on the always arduous test of  ‘Kiss, Cuddle or Torture’. The Tap Man  scores his 11th Beast hit with this offering and takes himself up the Leader Board to the heady heights of  32nd =. Paul was last seen in this year’s Prog 2234 and has no Letters of the Week and only one Megazine letter to boast about. It is actually become a boast as Megazine letters are as rare as rocking horse shit these days.

Red Paul is a union rep and keen to keep the brothers united. Better get a leaflet round to the Foakes household then Tap Shoes. He doesn’t really state his feelings on the Regened Progs but he supports the initiative. A worthy sentiment but we draw the line if we get a Paw Patrol crossover and some colouring in. Paul chooses ‘Kiss’ in his Squid game but is sadly eliminated when it’s a Glasgow kiss and he ends up as red as his politics.

Nick Black “chimes” in next from his lair in Newhaven. The Dark One draws the unenviable game of ’Shite Alight’ and we have to worry about his fate. Nick  was last seen in 2019’s Prog 2162 giving him a total of two - but wait! We also have a Nick Black from Edgeware who scored in Prog 225 waaaay back in 1981. The ‘40 year’ rule applies here so Nick will need to lay claim to this one if he wants at ascent to the heady heights of having three confirmed letters published.

Nick makes some valid comments and articulates well his thoughts that new strips suit the Regened Progs better than toned down versions of the originals. We agree, but Tharg isn’t so sure - is it a 2000ad Prog with no Dredd, Rogue or Dog? Speaking of dog, Nick panics and stamps on his own flaming bag of dog turds and gets  mess all over his new pair of Hi-Tech Squash. His Mum will be livid.

Last up is man of three surnames Forrest Dylan Bryant of USA, Stateside. Forrest draws ‘British Bulldogs’ and has the big tub of cash in his sights.  This is Forrest’s first letter and only the second ‘Forrest’ ever to see print following A. Forrest’s outing in Prog 46. We were going to reprint the content of that letter here but couldn’t see it for the trees.

American Forrest writes a garbled note infused with cycles and functions. You do get genuine energy from it as he gasps enthusiastically about all and sundry. Tharg has always liked American things and is grateful to close on a no holds barred love fest. It is nice to see someone “enthralled”, “eager” and “overjoyed” but it’s not the British way and predictably enough Forrest gets trampled in the playground frenzy meaning the Lettersentertainyou Squid Game prize inevitably falls back into their dark coffers.

Tune in again next time where it’ll probably be ‘I’m a Celebrity’ if we can be bothered.

When I did my last big read through I remember thinking that Disaster 1990 was the worst story to have ever seen print in 2000ad. Not least because it pre-dates Invasion but the flooding of all London is never mentioned in the later (earlier) story. That said it is more memorable that Doom which I can barely recall so it's Disaster 1990 for me.

Big Dave for being far more memorable - when the zombie Nobbie Stiles (or was it Bobby Charlton?) saved the day the air was punced. It was satire see!

Nice words Colin and a fun distraction. Best panel next? 'Cos I hate you' vs 'Who's gonna mess with us?' for the final?

General / Re: FINAL!!!! - The Killing v Rage - Bolt-01 Cup
« on: 19 October, 2021, 11:46:12 PM »
The Killing (of Moses Quest)

General / Re: Outlaw v Rage - Bolt-01 Cup - SEMI-FINAL 1
« on: 13 October, 2021, 01:02:45 PM »
Close call but Rage for me.

One stront tale to take to a desert island? Of these two I'm taking The Killing.

Can Malak resurrect Moses one last time?

Announcements / Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« on: 06 October, 2021, 08:28:09 PM »

The great letters crisis of 2021 continues unabated. There are reports of people panic writing and stockpiling missives to Tharg. The army have been called in to ensure that letters are delivered and the government has appealed for calm whilst raising the price of stamps.

Here at LETTERSENTERTAINYOU we have basked in the warmth of our many unpublished letters and remember fondly the days when the Magazine printed three pages worth along with Preacher reprints just to fill the thing up.  Don’t worry, we get a mighty injection of SEVEN letters in Prog 2252 with Tharg scraping his barrel and printing any old toot.

First up in the Letter of the Week slot is Marcus Hanford of emailland. Interestingly (term used advisedly) the last letter printed in the last Input page was also from a Marcus;  in that case the Nyahow variety. We’ve not had this many Marcuses since ‘Eldorado’ went two nights a week! This Marcus dressed up as Tharg to run a race and sent in photographic proof. What a rubbish outfit! Our effort including mother’s brooch as a Rosette of Sirius was far more authentic!  Tharg lazily asks if Marcus finished the race. We’ll Google that for you Tharg - Yes he did, in 2.04:15 finishing in 2498th position. We’ll done him, especially as he must have been towing a caravan with that time. Excuse us, just getting another cream bun…

This is Marcus’  4th letter to see print with him previously seen in Prog 2033 following a Letter of the Week debut in 2010’s Prog 1696. He has a rival in his Bristol hometown in the shape of Ella Handford who had a letter  printed in Prog 2033 with a “photo of a little girl”. We’re guessing a relative.

Newbie writer Dave Marsden  of Salisbury next. We went there once and found this lovely perfummmm…. Dave joins Elizabeth of Maidstone in the ‘Marsden 1 letter printed gang’ with Lizzy’s offering appearing in Meg 151 (V3.48). Dave talks about a ‘Sacs Magiques’ which of course is (back to Google) a magic bag. He takes exception to two such receptacles appearing in consecutive thrills. Clearly Dave is a new reader and not used to tropes and themes. Or in other words the cookie cutter can only work so much and so fast Dave!

The Chris Browning version of a good letter next which is sadly a bit of a gusher. Chris likes it all; which is fair enough really. Black and white, cartoony  - spidery - he loves the lot. We do prefer a bit of nit picking or bitching in our letters, but if Chris is happy we all should be too. Even if we can’t always follow stuff or it looks a bit busy. Chris knows the score however, with this being his 18th letter to see print. This effort takes him up to joint 16th on the Beast letters board with erstwhile scribe Kevin Hall, who we last saw in Prog 2034 in 2017 when he had moved from East Lothian to County Antrim never to be seen again - in the letters pages at any rate!

Pipe down in front, it’s time for the debut offering of Steven Pipe of Swindon. He makes it a Pipe party with Carwyn of Gillingham who had her moment in the pipe smoke in Prog 767 in 1992. Steven’s letter reads like a report card with the quality of Tharg’s offering being deemed “Very High” with the droids doing “Sterling work”. He thanks Tharg for his “ Hard Work” and “Expresses Gratitude” for the Damage Report text. Stick that in your Pipe and smoke it!

Colin of Ireland is ‘King ‘ for a day next as he enjoys possibly his first letters outing. We do have a Colin King of Romford gracing Prog 154 but the Irish version will need to claim that one given the distance rules the Beast employs. It’s impressive if it is him as Kings can only move one square at a time! Chess joke there for all the brainiacs out there. There was also a Rodney King who had letters in Progs 1592, 1764 and 2013 but he hasn’t been seen since. No doubt the LAPD caught up with him. Colin likes the podcasts and everything that Tharg sees fit to print, which is good to hear.

Tristan Fitzgerald of Emailland takes the penultimate spot in his second outing following his 2007debut in Prog 1552. At that time he went with ‘Tris’ - wise change there Tristan - don’t be ashamed at being named after the speccy kid in ‘George & Mildred’. Tristan is on the lookout for John Smith whom we met in the bar of the 40th anniversary gathering. He was a bit tired and emotional then but weren’t we all! Oh happy days, no masks and viruses were things that infected our laptops when we tried to watch  a funny cat video, honestly dear. Sadly Tharg says John Smith is away doing something else but you can still buy his wares in the shop.

Finally, we get to the end. Comment ‘ratchet set’ if you are still here! Last up is Jonathan Fisher  of Nord Ireland. We read his letter with an Ian Paisley shouty voice in our heads and for that we apologise. Actually, THERE WILL BE NO APOLOGY! Anyway when we read this we’d planned lots of frog puns but after some detailed research we found that the frog was in fact Jeremy not Jonathan.

Anyway this one was a bit green about the gills and we hope it won’t spawn a sequel. It was really amphibiboring  and it seems like a Frenchman has had the best bits. Sorry but we’re not wasting Grade A material like that. This is Jonathan’s (ribbit) 8th letter to see print with his first, a Letter of the Week no less, appearing in 2008’s Prog 1606. Jonathan goes flat out and  sticks his long tongue over Tharg’s ‘Regened’ issues - he hates them he does! He want’s more killings - well he is from Northern Ireland - and hates this ‘stomm’. Not as tasty as a nice fly is it Jeremy, er, Jonathan?

Overall a good outing here with some saccharine stuff offset with a brickbat at the end. 7 letters is a recent record letter haul and, despite increasing our workload, we do prefer the pithier and the to the point offerings.

Right off to queue for some envelopes and to fight off those who crave our precious letters.

Close call but The Killing for me.

General / Re: Rage vs. The Gronk Affair - Bolt-01 Cup - Quarter Final 2
« on: 05 October, 2021, 08:10:49 PM »
Got a big rager for Rage.

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