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The Black Dog Thread

Started by Grugz, 02 January, 2016, 09:54:32 PM

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TordelBack

Yes, Steve hits the nail on the head there. Go easy on yourself, JBC, you've had a shit time of it lately, and personally I can't imagine (or recall) any relationship SNAFU more horrible than a failed romance with a good friend.

Proudhuff

Quote from: Dark Jimbo on 27 April, 2017, 12:57:47 PM
Quote from: Steven Denton on 27 April, 2017, 12:51:58 PM
You have had a terrible year and emotions are cumulative not compartmentalised. what you are feeling is likely the sum total of your grief and depression. Emotional peaks and troughs don't follow logical rules so you should never beat yourself up about being more upset over something than another thing.

Can't do better than what Steve said here!

Having been through a bit and in a similar kinda thing myself  JBC, the above is spot on. The important thing is to  keep talking and feeding to good positive side of you and dont give the dark wolf any scraps of emotions to play with.
DDT did a job on me

JayzusB.Christ

Thank you very much, your support really does help.  Steven, I think you are probably right and you have very accurately described how my mind is working right now.  After months and months being surrounded by illness, death and people who have been affected by it I am only trying now to piece a social life back together. The woman in question proved to be a huge ray of sunshine in what has been a very dark period for me and I feel it all the more now our brief affair is over.

She herself had a massive breakup last year which devastated her (I know this because I met her soon after it happened) , and also last year was nearly driven to suicide by chronic back pain (which seems to have abated somewhat but will probably never go away completely).  But I can't help blaming myself.  I wanted it to work, I knew there was always a spark between us and now it's gone and I don't really know why.

Thanks for listening to me, I can't help feeling like it's self-indulgent moping but I don't really know where else I can share it.  Who would have thought a website about a sci-fi comic could provide such support?
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

Steven Denton

Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 27 April, 2017, 02:45:03 PM

Thanks for listening to me, I can't help feeling like it's self-indulgent moping but I don't really know where else I can share it.  Who would have thought a website about a sci-fi comic could provide such support?

A website about a sci-fi comic is exactly where I would go for support. Most of us are cut from a similar cloth.

JayzusB.Christ

"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

Tjm86

Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 27 April, 2017, 02:45:03 PM
But I can't help blaming myself.  I wanted it to work, I knew there was always a spark between us and now it's gone and I don't really know why.


This is the most natural reaction in the world, particularly when you invest so much of yourself in it.  As you say, life has been pretty relentless for you this year so that brief and ecstatic period must have felt wonderful, making the sudden crumbling all the more challenging.  Just remember to be kind with yourself over how you are feeling so you don't get sucked in to the cycle of 'I'm feeling shitty but I shouldn't feel shitty so I feel even more ...'  (ah, you know what I mean!)

I do also wonder, considering that it appears to have come out of left field and this is based on some of your additional information, if some of this is about her difficulties.  This could be nerves based on past experience, you mentioned the break up last year and she is cautious about committing too deeply.  She may just need to develop a stronger trust in you, not because of you but because of her, in which case she is setting out a bit of a less intense relationship for a time to acclimatise.

Of course I could be completely wrong about this since I haven't the first clue about women.  Having been married for over 20 years I can safely use the back hundredth of a first class stamp to write everything I am sure about.  So feel free to completely and utterly ignore this!

PS - nowt wrong with a bit of moping.  In fact based on your responses I wouldn't consider it that at all, more reaching out to the similarly afflicted!

PPS - was thinking that this thread had been quiet for a while.  Nowt since Feb.  We must be doing okay.  (says the man who had a meltdown today as well!)  ::) 

JayzusB.Christ

#231
Quote from: Tjm86 on 27 April, 2017, 06:08:26 PM
Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 27 April, 2017, 02:45:03 PM
But I can't help blaming myself.  I wanted it to work, I knew there was always a spark between us and now it's gone and I don't really know why.


This is the most natural reaction in the world, particularly when you invest so much of yourself in it.  As you say, life has been pretty relentless for you this year so that brief and ecstatic period must have felt wonderful, making the sudden crumbling all the more challenging.  Just remember to be kind with yourself over how you are feeling so you don't get sucked in to the cycle of 'I'm feeling shitty but I shouldn't feel shitty so I feel even more ...'  (ah, you know what I mean!)

I do also wonder, considering that it appears to have come out of left field and this is based on some of your additional information, if some of this is about her difficulties.  This could be nerves based on past experience, you mentioned the break up last year and she is cautious about committing too deeply.  She may just need to develop a stronger trust in you, not because of you but because of her, in which case she is setting out a bit of a less intense relationship for a time to acclimatise.

Of course I could be completely wrong about this since I haven't the first clue about women.  Having been married for over 20 years I can safely use the back hundredth of a first class stamp to write everything I am sure about.  So feel free to completely and utterly ignore this!

PS - nowt wrong with a bit of moping.  In fact based on your responses I wouldn't consider it that at all, more reaching out to the similarly afflicted!

PPS - was thinking that this thread had been quiet for a while.  Nowt since Feb.  We must be doing okay.  (says the man who had a meltdown today as well!)  ::)

Thank you for your kind words. All of these messages of support really help, honestly. I don't really know who else to talk to - i cant afford counselling right now and despite having a loving family, I'm not especially close to them and we don't talk much about personal issues. It's the Irish way, unfortunately.

I don't really think she wants a relationship beyond friendship to be honest, and i don't want to chase a lost cause (believe me, I've done it before, and it was a disaster).

In a way she was a major part of my best years - she was there the first night i became a raver kid and she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. She is still beautiful 22 years later and a lot of best memories are wrapped up in her so maybe that's why it feels like I'm losing much more than a couple of fun dates.

Thanks again to you, Tim, and everyone else here - it genuinely is a huge comfort to have like-minded people who listen and care.
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

Tjm86

Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 27 April, 2017, 08:36:44 PM

Thank you for your kind words. All of these messages of support really help, honestly. I don't really know who else to talk to - i cant afford counselling right now and despite having a loving family, I'm not especially close to them and we don't talk much about personal issues. It's the Irish way, unfortunately.


I'm not sure any of us are that close to family, or that it is particularly healthy.  Personally I find that I have to give my mother a wide berth unless I want a trigger event. That said, she is potentially more screwed up than me (if the is at all possible) so there is no surprise there.

Counsellors are worth their weight in gold if they are good, otherwise they're about as much use as a chocolate fireguard.  Again, having met with both ...

Sometimes all we need to do is sound off and unload, with someone actually validating us as human beings.  A simple acknowledgement of the authenticity of our pain, a recognition of the challenges that we face and a validation of our struggles. 

When we find someone that we feel is accepting of who we are, warts and all, then that is a blessing beyond comparison.  Mainly because it is all so rare.  That is something that is hard to let go of.

Personally I love both the self awareness and the self respect that you have in allowing this lass to be honest with you, as hard as it is.  That takes a lot of courage.  It also shows a lot of love for her, that you value her friendship more than anything else and want to give her what she needs.  Maybe that will allow this to evolve into something that meets your needs as well but in a way that you can't see right now.

Lots of folks with you pal, and at the risk of putting myself in the firing line considering some of the sentiments expressed on this site (fully understanding why), praying for you as well.  Stay safe my friend.

JayzusB.Christ

Thanks again, you're a true gentleman.

I hope you got over your meltdown today too! If you want to talk about it I owe you a listening ear.
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

SmallBlueThing(Reborn)

I've been reading through this thread and my heart goes out to all squaxx who have been suffering, or are currently suffering, from this bloody shite.
I've not been on the board for a good while, largely because my own black dog took a chunk out of me a few years ago and left me less of a person. Even now, after six months of talking therapy, Sertraline, a new wife and a baby on the way, I'm still nowhere near where I should be.
Tordleback's description above is on the money for me as well- I just bumble through my life, with nothing really making a difference, essentially waiting for it all to stop.
I'm very lucky that my wife is a mental health professional and cuts me lots of slack/ helps me through, but after 25 years of this (close to half my life!) I see no real chance of "getting better".
Anyway, to all who are living with it: keep going. Get tablets. Talk to a professional. Do all the stuff they tell you- exercise, get fresh air, eat well, don't drink, stop smoking. Do whatever it takes. And use this forum as a sounding board if necessary- experience tells me there are often splendid people here.

SBT(r)

The Legendary Shark

Welcome back, SBT! I'd echo everything you say except for the bit about tablets - but that's just because I feel much better without them. Also, take time out to smell the roses - watch a sunset, contemplate the stars, listen to the birds - all that real stuff about our wonderful world. Thumb your nose at all those artificial problems - the ones made by people - from time to time.
[move]~~~^~~~~~~~[/move]




JayzusB.Christ

Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 10 May, 2017, 06:32:37 AM
Welcome back, SBT! I'd echo everything you say except for the bit about tablets - but that's just because I feel much better without them. Also, take time out to smell the roses - watch a sunset, contemplate the stars, listen to the birds - all that real stuff about our wonderful world. Thumb your nose at all those artificial problems - the ones made by people - from time to time.

I feel better with the tablets, personally.  But they're not the be-all and end-all - mindfulness and CBT techniques are essential if your brain is faulty like mine, but medication is a very useful crutch and has possibly saved my life in the past.
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

Prodigal2

I hope this doesn't sound like meaningless gush, but this forum has been a fantastic fringe benefit in all sorts of ways for this old duffer when he picked up a copy of 2000AD a few years back.

A quality, quality place this.


The Legendary Shark

I wouldn't tell anyone not to take the tablets, just to be clear. Personally, I wasn't convinced of their efficacy and decided that taking them wasn't for me - a decision I do not regret. Anyone who finds them useful finds them useful and that's that. I suppose there are as many approaches to beating depression as there are brains, we each have to find our own path through it.

Mindfulness is also a great asset in the arsenal against the Shady Woofer.

Glad you like this place, Prodigal - it can get a bit lively and "claws-out" on certain threads from time to time but we're (mostly) decent enough folk!
[move]~~~^~~~~~~~[/move]




TordelBack

Welcome back, Steev! Amazed and delighted hear you and your missus are with sprog, you're a braver man than I to be adding to what already seems like a veritable  Brady Bunch of joy at our advanced stage of decrepitude.

I teeter repeatedly on the edge of the medication route, and am still terrified of it, but to be honest I think the idea that it's there if I can't hack it through cognitive shenanigans and continual teeth-gritting is a massive comfort: and one fostered by advice and accounts on this very thread.