Life is riddled with a procession of minor impediments

[Sideshow Bob]

Yes Jayzus....Keep going.....

As for Mr King, while having done some truly wonderful stuff over the years,  there have been several recently, that I feel were only printed ' because of who he is'  and not necessarily for the content....
His characterisation is still superb and writing excellent...it's just some of the ideas are a little clichéd ...
Hopefully that will all change as he 're-visits' Daniel Torrance ( from The Shining ) 20 years on, in his latest novel Dr Sleep.....due out in September, I think....

Anyway, keep going and hope to see you in print soon.
Cheers..

[Charlie boy]

Cheers!  You're right about Stephen King, too, Needful Things was the last one I read and it was pretty shite.  Mind you, he can be really good too.

Twice now I've finished reading a King offering and said I'd never read anything of his again*; this time, I intend to stick to it!
And as for you- Sideshow Bob- you only count seven titles of King's that were only published due to his name? I say you haven't read enough Stephen King, sir!
Didn't know his Shining sequel was due out so soon. You'll have to let me know via the What's Everyone Reading thread what you think about it, I'm staying well clear. Sounds a little desperate to me... and I've swore to never read a King offering again.
*re-reads not included.

[Sideshow Bob]

Sorry Charlie boy,
I didn't say seven, I said several...of his novels that were only published due to his name.... ,
but without listing them,  of the 'top of my head',  I would say that figure is about right.....Must admit though I'm not including his Dark Tower series of novels ....as I've not read them.
I've read almost everything else, and accept it must be really hard to keep up the very high standard that he set with his earlier books.......Don't get me wrong I still love his characterisation and his writing never fails to 'draw me in',  it's just I think he's running out of ideas on the Supernatural / Horror side..

I've read The Talisman and the follow up The Black House with Peter Straub  ( which kind of touch on the whole 'Gunslinger / Dark Tower' saga ) but despite enjoying both of them, I've never been inclined to try The Dark Tower series......

I really am looking forward to the 're-visit' and follow up to The Shining....( Dr Sleep ) and will definitely let you know via What's everyone Reading thread once I've read it......And here's hoping it's a solid return to form of old......

By the way, I really quite enjoyed his recent 11.22.63.......Not a 'horror' story as such, more a gentler 'supernatural / time travel' type thing but interesting enough....
Cheers

[Tiplodocus]

The cycle is always the same - she goads me into losing my temper, so I end up saying and doing things I regret (I try my best to keep calm, but when someone is shouting at you for two hours straight when all you want to do is go to sleep

Well this bit is definitely within your power to fix.  So I'd start on this.  Probably a good idea to pursue the other avenues as well though.

[shaolin_monkey]

It seems to be laser-targeted at me - she is able to conceal it perfectly fine when with friends. I don't know how it impacts on her work as I don't see it first-hand, but I really hope not.

That's very, very interesting to hear NB. A few months ago i actually managed to talk her into casually asking a doctor about it, but they basically said "oh, its nothing to do with the pill", and talked her out of changing anything as doing so can come with its own complications, which was extremely disappointing.

The cycle is always the same - she goads me into losing my temper, so I end up saying and doing things I regret (I try my best to keep calm, but when someone is shouting at you for two hours straight when all you want to do is go to sleep...), and then I become the bad guy. It's then IMPOSSIBLE to get her to realise that it is ALWAYS her that engineers the whole thing in the first place, and that she has a serious problem. Now, I realise that sounds a bit like "you started it!", but seriously - I'm a very placid guy. As I said I hate confrontation and will always try and walk away from an argument.

I just don't know what to do, really. This weekend has been utterly horrendous, probably worse than its ever been before.

I feel your pain, truly I do, as I suffered in a very similar manner for about 10-12 years.  I completely understand the whole thing about switching it on for you, and off in social situations.  There were so many times she'd have a massive go at me for minor infringements of some rule she'd previously laid down (always her rules, never mine) just as we were about to step out teh door.

It would leave me in a massively confused, upset and angry mess, so when we met our friends she was all happiness and light, and I was still reeling from the bollocking.  As a result, to the eyes of those around us it looked like the issues lay with me!

I can give many, many, MANY examples of how the ex inflicted her anger on me, how she controlled my every movements, how she treated me with continual paranoia, suspicion and contempt, but I can't be arsed. 

Anyway, cut a long story short, coming up to my fortieth I had to ask myself 'can I deal with another decade of this?'.  The answer was a resounding 'no'... so I left.  It was the single hardest decision of my life, particularly as we had three kids, but I was at the end of my tether.  Every other attempt to sort things out had failed. 

The end result is I am actually really fucking happy now, and enjoying my life!

I don't know if that helps you at all, but I thought I'd put that out there - sometimes the only solution is to just get the hell out.

[radiator]

Well this bit is definitely within your power to fix.  So I'd start on this.  Probably a good idea to pursue the other avenues as well though.

I wish that was the case, I really do.

The truth is, all she actually wants is an argument, and she won't stop until she has it - even if she doesn't conciously acknowledge the fact. I don't really want to go into any more detail than that - other than to say that it continues for hours and generally involves depriving me of sleep - but I cannot stress enough that it is unavoidable. It starts with some utterly trivial crime I have commited - say forgetting to buy bread or something like that, and just spirals from there. She is a master at getting under my skin and engineering a blazing row.

Short of dosing myself with a shit-tonne of valium before walking in the door, I honestly don't know how to not rise to it. Eventually, you just get to a breaking point and snap - then she's done it - I'm down on her level and every bit as responsible as her for the argument.

I would defy anyone to be able to put up with it for hours at a time and not lose it.

I must stress this happens on average perhaps once every couple of months - only when she is in a very specific state of mind, but the resulting fallout and bad feeling from such an incident can last for up to a week where we will avoid each other completely, her getting more and more resentful with every hour that passes.

Shaolin - believe me I have considered it, but things are so good most of the time I kind of blank it out, and find it hard to comprehend that we could argue in such a way, and then suddenly I get the tell-tail phonecall - it's that magical time again and it all goes to shit.

[Tiplodocus]

It is definitely in your power.  She's providing the stimulus. You, and only you, get to decide what the response will be. 

It is spectacularly hard (still, easier than other options) - and I won't go into specifics either- but when you do manage to defuse a situation without rising to the bait, boy does it feel good.

It doesn't mean it'll be twine and roses the next time but at least you know you can do it - which also makes it worth persevering with. 

[Sideshow Bob]

I completely understand the whole thing about switching it on for you, and off in social situations.  There were so many times she'd have a massive go at me for minor infringements of some rule she'd previously laid down (always her rules, never mine) just as we were about to step out the door.

It would leave me in a massively confused, upset and angry mess, so when we met our friends she was all happiness and light, and I was still reeling from the bollocking.  As a result, to the eyes of those around us it looked like the issues lay with me!

Wow !!.....
I thought that only happened to me.....So true......Our friends now know differently, as I'm no longer there and her behaviour is still 'unpredictable'.....
But, it's just another way of her, 'manipulating' the situation......just the same as your infringement of some rule / something you've done or not done.....In other words as you say Radiator,  she 'Wants' an argument, and I'm sorry,  but no amount of calm, reasoned and measured response on your behalf is going to work...UNTIL she gets the 'argument' she wants.......

I've said more about my own personal situation here than I had meant to.....so going to drop out of this thread now...
Sincerely,
Good Luck and Best Wishes Radiator....

[radiator]

It is definitely in your power.  She's providing the stimulus. You, and only you, get to decide what the response will be.

It is spectacularly hard (still, easier than other options) - and I won't go into specifics either- but when you do manage to defuse a situation without rising to the bait, boy does it feel good.

It doesn't mean it'll be twine and roses the next time but at least you know you can do it - which also makes it worth persevering with.

But how?

There is no reasoning with her, because she's not being the least bit reasonable or rational, and everything I say just gets twisted into yet more ammunition for her to use against me.

I can't really apologise for what I have done, because it is intrinsically not a genuine apology, and is thrown back in my face. The original argument quickly becomes ever more exaggerated, convoluted and obscure to the point where I genuinely no longer even know what we're arguing about or how to go about unravelling it all. Even if I manage to appease her on one point, she simply moves the goalposts and shifts the parameters of the argument to something else.

If I try and ignore her or feign indifference, that similarly just adds fuel to the fire.

If I go into another room, she follows me. If I try and pick up a book/iPad/whatever, it is snatched out of my hand.

I can sometimes make her laugh by making her realise how ridiculous she is being or by making stupid faces, which defuses the situation momentarily, but seconds later she will explode into rage with an even fiercer aggression than before.

I can't leave, because as I said before I can't aimlessly wander around London late at night and be mugging-bait. And besides, she will invariably just stand in my way to prevent me from leaving.

It also invariably happens when I am particulalry vulnerable - early in the morning, very late at night, or when I am extremely tired or stressed out about something else. It can escalate dizzyingly quickly and catch me off guard.

The same doggedness, drive and stubbornness I admire so much in her character in 'real life' becomes terrifying and irresistible when it is ranged against me in this way.

[Professor Bear]

If she's hiding her behavior from others, goading you into action and dismissing notions that things need to be managed or changed on her side of things, that suggests she's manipulating you into seeing yourself as the problem.  I am only viewing this from the outside and going by what you have said here, but it strikes me that this is an abusive relationship.

You need to either work this out between yourselves or you need to leave.

[TordelBack]

... but it strikes me that this is an abusive relationship.

Hang on there Prof, as I understand it from Radiator's posts here the point is that this behaviour is directly linked to horrendous PMS - I don't think it's a case of rational manipulation of a partner, it's a mental problem with an apparent biological cause.  If that can be successfully addressed it's to everyone's advantage (speaking as nutjob myself).

[radiator]

Yeah, the funny thing is is that I genuinely believe there isn't any malice in it - she genuinely believes all the stuff she comes out with. It genuinely is like a temporary madness.

I should stress that she apologises for her actions afterwards, and knows it was out of order, but believes that the problem is with both of us and doesn't see that pattern of how it always happens, even in retrospect.

[Professor Bear]

Sorry, I didn't mean to overstep there.
Obviously I don't know either party or your individual circumstances, so if you think she has a valid reason to act this way and you're willing to let it continue it's not my place to butt in.

[Jim_Campbell]

Obviously I don't know either party or your individual circumstances [...] it's not my place to butt in.

You know this is the internet, right?

Cheers!

Jim

[radiator]

Sorry, I didn't mean to overstep there.
Obviously I don't know either party or your individual circumstances, so if you think she has a valid reason to act this way and you're willing to let it continue it's not my place to butt in.

Not at all - there was obviously no offense intended, and I appreciate your honesty.

I was very much hesitant to bring any of this up in the first place, but reasoned that one or two of you would have experience of something similar, and the advice, and just the chance to discuss it relatively openly has been very appreciated. Most of our friends are mutual friends so it can be awkward, or even unfair, to talk to them about it in the real world.