Embarrassing tales to waste your time

[Trout]

As it's Friday, this puissant poisson wants everyone to waste their time with a pointless exercise.

This time, I want to hear your true tales of excruciating embarrassment.

I shall begin by disclosing my first-ever date with a girl involved her bringing three friends and then ignoring me all night. Poor little sad fish.

Or, just today, I was asked to find a file for someone and looked it up on the computer records.
I was sifting through a pile of papers looking for one from February 7, 2003, for several minutes before realising TODAY is February 7 and I'd read the wrong part of the computer record.
An office-full of people had been sitting there laughing at me the whole time.
D'oh!

Give me your humiliation, boarders, and we will share in malicious laughter!

The best entry will gain its ruler the title of Undersea Fool at the Court of King Troutman!

- The despotic mutant

[GordonR]

Many years ago, when I was a Mouthy Young Comics Upstart, I was in a Glasgow curry house with a group  of similiarly obnoxious young know-alls.  (This was during one of the old Glascac comic cons.)

Anyway, I was holding forth at great length on my strong opinions on the artwork, talent, and mercifuclly short-lived Comics International column of a certain well-known 2000AD artist who in no way resembled Arthur Ranson.

"Stop kicking me under the table, you stupid twat," I told one of my fellow obnoxious upstarts, before blithely continuing on my discourse.

In was a good five or ten minutes before I realised who was sitting ar the table right behind me.

[damnandblast]

"In was a good five or ten minutes before I realised who was sitting ar the table right behind me."

Simon Bisley?

Nigel

[Devons Daddy]

whilst on board QE2 as a chef i would on occasion get VERY drunk on the ridulously cheap alcohol.
one afternoon whilst wroking away on the sandwich corner, up should come non other then mary. nice old biddy.had been on queen mary then QE2.about 60 or so years old.part of the furniture type.

anyway she says. oh neil you where funny last night.talking to me in the corridor. i just said oh really. whilst the other chefs pushed for more details. she went on to explain how i stood in the corridor having a lucid conversation with her at 3am.
she finished off by reminding me  
I WAS NAKED.
much to the absolute joy of the entire brigade who had wandered over to here her tale,.

[GordonR]

Heh.  If it had been Bisley, I wouldn't be here to tell the tale today.

Bloody enormous he is, with the temperament to match.

[Devons Daddy]

another QE2 one. worse things happen at sea.not me though.

whilst working on board.they changed the ordering system to a computer based one.circa 91/92
you have to be so careful with this. unit of measure playing a large part in any order you make.

the typical five day cruise would see the use of some 60 sacks of rice or 1800 kilos. so for ten days you need to have enough plus say 10%.so 2000 kilos.
the store keeper ordered his rice. all 2000 of it.
he also ordered the tabsco sauce for the oyster night.so he got 24  of what he thought where cases of the stuff.
only he didnt.
we stood on the dock side when the delivery guy turns up with 24  bottles of tabsco sauce.and apologizes for not being able to complete the rice order.he points to the container and says i could only manage 1600 bags sorry about that.
1600 bags = 48000 kilos of philipone rice.

the look of shock and horror was great. the chefs fell around laughing.the store keeper.never lived it down.

[Devons Daddy]

i got plenty of time on my hands
whislt workng in windsor. i was imparied with alcohol again.met and chatted to a an older women i was 21, ok not bad and hell why not. so i met her a couple of times again.of course this is not excalty something you mention to others  she was 39.so you understand,

and then as these things do.i stayed at her place for breakfast. her daughter was dropping by later to collect something.but its was alright as her daughter was 20 so ok not a problem anyway i willbe gone by then.
i come into the kitchen in her mums bathrobe,and drink a coffee. in walks her daughter.i want to curl up and die as i see its the receptionst from front office.who i share a house with.

[Slippery PD]

I suspect having been a university student the fact that a number of my stories have a drunken theme come as no surprise.

I once went out with a girl, who I was seeing up till xmas.  We had a huge barney in the university union at the xmas ball.  I cant really remeber what it was about it was sooo long ago.  Anyway she really was having a go at me.  In my drunken state, I decided that I had enuff (I was very drunk anyway) and turned round to leave the hall and in front of about 400 or so people ran into the xmas tree.  It was directly behind me.  Knocking a 12 foot tree to the floor with a huige crash.  I was escorted from the premises....  I never went out with the girl again.  I was nown for a few months as the tree feller.  hur de hur hur.  

[Wils]

When I was just starting out in my old profession as a hairdresser, I was washing this bloke's hair at the place I was doing my apprenticeship. When I asked him the obligatory "Doing anything nice this weekend?", he replied that he was working on the Sunday. This prompted me to launch into his boss, saying "Your boss must be a right bastard making you work on a Sunday. I'd tell him to piss off and get a job with better hours." He just smiled politely and said it wasn't that bad really. When I'd finished, I removed the towel around his neck to dry his hair, only to reveal...a dog collar.

[Trout]

Fabulous stuff! Naked chefs, loud-mouthed writers, clumsy revellers and dunderhead hairdressers!

(DD are you secretly Jamie Oliver? :-))

Keep 'em coming, oh my excruciating subjects!

- Trout

[Marbles]

This is on tomorrow at the Royal National Hotel, Bedford Way (Russell Sq tube) on Saturday 11am-5pm.
Great place to pick up old 2K's and other British comics - usually at well below ebay prices in my experience.

Here's the full sp (whatever that means ?);-

British Comics, Annuals & Pocket Libraries
1930s to present day, Classics Illustrated, Eagle, Dandy, Beano, Magnet, Gem, Valiant, Victor, Rover,
Hotspur, Wizard, Adventure, Hornet, TV21, Blue Peter, Picture Libraries (e.g. Commando, Battle, Air Ace, Cowboy, Thriller, Super Detective, Valentine, Princess, War, Lion, Schoolboys', Schoolgirls', Combat, Valiant, Eagle, Space), etc.

Thunderbirds are Go !!!
celebrating the release of Thunderbirds Classic Comic Strips, by Graham Bleathman and Sam Denham, we are proud to welcome Graham, who will be signing copies of his books from 1pm. Also on show and for sale will be a Thunderous amount of Thunderbirds original art and Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet and Stingray books.

Original Art and Artwork
from British comics, Paperbacks and Pulps, Newspaper and Comic Strips,
Dan Dare, Eagle, Thunderbirds, Ron Embleton, Reg Smythe, Al Capp, Romero, etc, etc.

Pulps & Paperbacks
Crime Fiction, Horror, Science Fiction, Fantasy, Sleaze, Penguins, Pans,
Panthers, Corgis, Badgers, Weird Tales, Doc Savage, The Shadow, etc, etc.

*   *   *  WITH SPECIAL GUESTS  *   *   *
and book/art signings

Chris Achilleos - his celebrated paintings adorn book covers, posters, films, video and album sleeves, with covers for Edgar Rice Burroughs, Michael Moorcock, Robert E Howard and J R R Tolkien, and Star Trek and Doctor Who. He has worked for film giants George Lucas, Ron Howard and Ray Harryhausen, and produced concept designs for the films Heavy Metal and Willow. His poster work includes SuperGirl, Bladerunner and Jackie Chan's The Protector;

Graham Bleathman - Graham is one of the country's foremost illustrators of Gerry Anderson's television series Stingray, Captain Scarlet, Joe 90 and, of course, Thunderbirds. His illustrations - including his celebrated 'cross-section' illustrations of the spacecraft, vehicles and buildings from these shows - have appeared in a number of books, magazines and comics since the early 1990s;

Keith Page - involved in comics since 1976, Keith has worked on most Fleetway and DC Thomson titles, including Thunderbirds, Sonic the Comic, Eagle, Mask, Supernaturals, Wildcat, Football Picture Library, Dandy, Starblazer, 2000AD, Starlord, Mighty Max (Marvel), Revolver and, latterly,  Commando;

Simon Thorpe - Simon's film work includes James Bond The World is Not Enough and much wizard portraiture on Harry Potter and the The Philosopher's Stone;

and the return of Sydney Jordan - the genius creator of the acclaimed Jeff Hawke strip;

and Sam Peffer - the distinguished paperback cover artist of the 1950s and 1960s

[petemaskreplica]

I've lost count of the number of times I've put a customer on hold, called them a tosser or somesuch, only to discover that, er, I didn't actually put them on hold...

However, this tale comes from my fickle youth. When I was 16 or 17, I went on a residential course with a youth orchestra I was playing with. And, as you do at that age, I thought it would be "big" and "clever" to secrete a bottle of vodka about my person, which I proceeded to tkae swigs from throughout the coach journey... and onwards into the night.
One bottle later, I woke up in a sea of vomit. I struggled for what seemed like hours to raise myself from my bed and get to the shower to clean myself up, but succeeded only in emptying my stomach further onto my shoes, eventually managing to make it to the toilet for further retching.

I eventually made it to the rehearsal venue several hours late, but had to run out again mere minutes later, as my digestive system was determined to eject whatever was inside it (which by this time was nothing but the odd glass of water I'd managed to get down me). I was disgraced in front of the entire orchestra, and looking back on it I was bloody lucky not to wind up in hospital, or dead from alcohol poisoning. It was to be a good 10 years before I could even look at a glass of vodka again.
Oh, did I mention? One of the tutors on this course was my mum.

[Devons Daddy]

another QE2 one. my cabin mate this time.

i wake early one mornign and am brushing my teeth and look down at the bottom bunk and to my surprise my cabin mate had got lucky the night before.
now you females wont understand this but as you do.im interested as too which beast he has slayed.
so i gently pull down the covers to see our next door neighbour in his bed. each happily cuddled to the other.
i wake them both to see the look of pure horror on there faces.the night before both very drunk had came back to the cabins.it is not uncommon to swap cabins with others so to allow you to have a cabin with your grilfriend.
he had gone to the tiollette and stumbled into the wrong cabin.got into bed with who he thought was his G/F. my cabin mate in his drunken state thought he had picked someone up in the bar.


i was only to keen to explain everything to all that would listen over breakfast.ahh revenge can be so sweet.

[Wils]

Probably the most embarrassed I've been was when I nodded off in a lecture at uni, waking up find everyone laughing. I only found out what was going on after the lecture had finished when a friend informed me that I was singing 'Cheggars Plays Pop' in my sleep.

[JayzusB.Christ]

I was once at a student party drinking Royal Dutch (a very low-quality beer, not sure if you can get it in Britain) and chatting to a girl beside me who I didn't know particularly well. I started drunkenly ripping the piss out of the illustration on my can, which was of a man carrying a keg, and was the worst drawing on a product I have ever seen. It then turned out that the girl's father designed it. Cheers, God.