The Black Dog Thread

[Jade Falcon]

While I appreciate the Samaritans number, I have already phoned them on a double digit number of times.  While the people are well meaning, its like the whole thing that used to be said about a chinese meal, "In half an hour you feel hungry again".  I found that upon putting the phone down, in no time at all I was feeling as bad, sometimes worse than ever.

Pre lockdown I waited months to see a counsellor.  There were a few monthly meetings where this guy who honestly looked like the father from Viz's The Modern Parents, lounged back in chair and was very quiet...it was hard to describe.  Come lockdown he made a few phone calls then said that he was ceasing the sessions for...reasons.

Later I made an appointment with the GP practice mental health nurse who stated that she had been in the profession for 16 years and basically, knew what she was talking about.  Her advice, just change my life.

I had previously been on Sertraline for a year with no positive results and since I'm on a crapload of other meds wanted off them.

Part of the problem is that I feel so alone, I have no wife, no girlfriend, few people that I could call close.  I spend much of my time alone and that just eats at me. 

[The Legendary Shark]

You are not alone. We're here for you.

[paddykafka]

Part of the problem is that I feel so alone, I have no wife, no girlfriend, few people that I could call close.  I spend much of my time alone and that just eats at me.

If you don't mind my suggesting, Jade, but having followed quite a lot of your posts on your situation - and please bare in mind, this is only my own personal impression based upon what I've read - loneliness seems to be actually quite a significant issue for you. Perhaps if you could find a way to address that in some small way, it might help in taking you out of yourself. It might be a distraction at least from the dark thoughts you are having. (And as someone with chronic Social Anxiety, I can relate all too well to your last sentence. But if that particular condition is not an issue for you, well there are the obvious first steps that I'm sure you have heard suggested - Meet-Up groups, hobbies etc. It all depends upon what your comfort zone is. The main thing is to take that first step. Not saying that it will be a panacea for all your ills of course, but if you think it would help, then it's worth a go if you're feeling up to it. All the best and take care - Paddy)

[Jade Falcon]

Now I have an email from the charity I work at saying they want a meeting to

Concerns related to your welfare and appearance
Concerns related to your performance
Agree next steps regarding volunteering with the *charity name blocked*

I went in yesterday, a little late due to bad sleep and a thumping sore head and really bad back pain.  I was asked to sort out bags upon bags of vinyl singles on the shop floor into decades but when doing so I was getting in the customers way.  I moved to the back after doing the first batch and the manager didn't seem happy about me being there, and said "Do what you want, I wont argue with you", but I moved regardless.

I don't know if its that, or something else, but I'm sodding volunteering, I am not paid, no expenses (there really isn't any) and I dont even take a break.  This has got me really stressed as I don't know what this is about or the possible outcomes.  As to improving performance, I'm not meant to lift heavy weights, but I do what I can.  There is stuff I have no knowledge of that I'm trying to figure out..

[Rara Avis]

This could be a good thing Jade, they're clearly concerned about you. If you're honest with them they might be able to help you.

[Tjm86]

It's a fair point Rara but I'm a little disconcerted about the fact that they've emailed rather than having a quiet word.  I'm also a little perplexed by the manager's handling of the way Jade tackled the assigned job.

Jade is right, this is voluntary work with no cost to the charity.  Without volunteers the charity would not be able to open the shop (Oxfam in Cardiff was closed the other day when I was in town for precisely this reason!)

Sorting out large quantities of singles into decade batches requires space.  TBH asking for it to be done on the shop floor in the first place was a bit daft.  Why get maerdy about moving to a place where it is less likely to be an obstacle for people?

Jade, it may be an idea to ask for someone to be in with you.  If you're anything like me this is a situation that sets off my hyper-vigilance.  It sounds a little like you're starting to catastrophise too.  Unfortunately, given what you have outlined here, those are not completely unreasonable. 

For the time being, it might be an idea to agree to the meeting but ask them to stagger it so that you have time to process what they are telling you first before discussing a way forward.  I'm guessing that right now you're not in the best head space for in depth discussions about actions.  You need to be able to come to terms with how it makes you feel first.

For the meantime Jade, please keep on posting.  We're all more than happy to lend an ear and do what we can to help you get through whatever this is.  You'd think with the recruitment issues companies are facing right now, charities would be a little more circumspect about what they need to do.

[Eric Plumrose]

While I appreciate the Samaritans number . . . its like the whole thing that used to be said about a chinese meal, "In half an hour you feel hungry again".

For those unaware, Samaritans aren't trained counsellors (trained, yes, but not as counsellors), which is why they don't give advice (individual volunteers might, inadvertently, but it isn't the organisation's policy and is actively discouraged).

As Jade says, 'you feel hungry again' half an hour after (which can be true for a lot of callers), but the point of Samaritans is to be there for callers in the moment.

[Rara Avis]

Jade is right, this is voluntary work with no cost to the charity.  Without volunteers the charity would not be able to open the shop (Oxfam in Cardiff was closed the other day when I was in town for precisely this reason!)

Sorting out large quantities of singles into decade batches requires space.  TBH asking for it to be done on the shop floor in the first place was a bit daft.  Why get maerdy about moving to a place where it is less likely to be an obstacle for people?

While that's very true any job, whether paid or voluntary, requires you to present yourself in a particular manner (clean and wearing clean clothes) public facing or not. Jade has before mentioned struggling with housework and I'm wondering if this has spread to other areas leading to the "Concerns related to your welfare and appearance". Granted that on the morning in question he was a tad late, had slept badly and dressed in a hurry but if this is a regular occurrence it might prompt others to ask 'Is everything ok?'

I absolutely agree with you on floor work, Jade has spoken about having a bad back but also mentions that he does what he can however this raises the "Concerns related to your performance". No one with a bad back should be kneeling on a floor bent over sorting through things. Jade you are not obliged to set yourself on fire to keep anyone warm; if there are things you shouldn't do because it will aggravate your back then don't do them.

I'm sure this is just a catch-up / check-in. I have them all the time with my boss and yet every time I see the notification I think "Oh no, I'm getting fired". We all associate being called in to talk to the boss as a bad thing and it usually isn't. Try not to overthink this and as always we're here for you.

[JayzusB.Christ]

I'm sure this is just a catch-up / check-in. I have them all the time with my boss and yet every time I see the notification I think "Oh no, I'm getting fired". We all associate being called in to talk to the boss as a bad thing and it usually isn't. Try not to overthink this and as always we're here for you.

As a natural-born catastrophiser, I completely agree with this - I get a sense of genuine dread and all the physical symptoms associated therewith every time I get a phone call from a number I don't recognise, or an official-looking letter.  Looking back, not one of them has had any effect on my current quality of life.  I'm working on it though; sorry to bang on ad nauseum about Dr David Burns but understanding his list of the cognitive distortions that lead to anxiety and depression have had a hugely positive effect on me. 

Catastrophising, or 'all-or-nothing thinking', is the idea that an event in the future will lead to absolute 100% disaster, rather than life's usual mix of positives and negatives.  Not saying this will work for anyone else, but I've found that writing down the absolute worst possible scenario and rehearsing it mentally makes me realise it won't be anything I really can't handle.

About ten years ago, when I was at a very low ebb in life (wracked with anxiety and sleep deprivation while being broke and working illegally in Beijing during a time of crackdown on illegal immigration), I wrote a list of my fears for the future.  I found them again years later and discovered that not one of them had come to pass.  The most awful things that actually happened - e.g. the fire last year that destroyed my home and nearly all my possessions, and which came close to killing me - were things I hadn't anticipated at all.  And even then, life went on with its normal ups and downs.

[Jade Falcon]

I DO have a pile of washing that needs doing, however I have a lot of clean clothing, so I'm ok there.

Its again, the fact that this happened on a Friday, I seem to have this sort of thing happen a lot.  Dental problems, feeling ill etc, and nothing can be done.  There was a contact number in the email that I phoned back, and...answer phone.  I mentioned that I could not attend the meeting, and could I hear what this was all about, especially as I suffer from depression and anxiety.

Guess what, no response.  I tried phoning the shop on Saturday and today, the manager is not in.  I try to do things that aren't really mentioned.  I volunteered to take waste cardboard to the recycling centre in my car, and despite my car being a VW Golf, its not a small amount, it was two or three car fulls.  We were short of change, I volunteered to go to the post office.  They got an early D&D set in, I got them a valuation.

[Rara Avis]

When do they want to see you?

I think if it was something bad they would want to speak to you straight away so this sounds like a catch up. If the manager is not in the shop when you are it's totally normal that she would send an email to arrange something. And these things are always done face to face if she's not seeing you in person regularly.

The list Jayzus suggested sounds really helpful. If you can identify what you're anxious about it might help alleviate your anxiety.

[JayzusB.Christ]

When do they want to see you?

I think if it was something bad they would want to speak to you straight away so this sounds like a catch up. If the manager is not in the shop when you are it's totally normal that she would send an email to arrange something. And these things are always done face to face if she's not seeing you in person regularly.

The list Jayzus suggested sounds really helpful. If you can identify what you're anxious about it might help alleviate your anxiety.

Here's that list, if anyone's interested.  It's only a part of the CBT system I use but it's probably the most effective, in my case at least.  Also, it doesn't work if you just do it mentally - the thought has to be written down, and the distortions (and reasons for associating them) beside it.  I don't know why it has to be written, but I do know that's the only way it'll work.

http://www.pacwrc.pitt.edu/curriculum/313_MngngImpctTrmtcStrssChldWlfrPrfssnl/hndts/HO15_ThnkngAbtThnkng.pdf

[Jade Falcon]

When do they want to see you?

I think if it was something bad they would want to speak to you straight away so this sounds like a catch up. If the manager is not in the shop when you are it's totally normal that she would send an email to arrange something. And these things are always done face to face if she's not seeing you in person regularly.

The list Jayzus suggested sounds really helpful. If you can identify what you're anxious about it might help alleviate your anxiety.

I work there on a Thursday from 12:30 to 5pm.  On Friday, I checked my emails at night saying they wanted to see me on Tuesday.  A note was said that they wanted to know if I could attent ASAP.  The manager was there with me on Thursday.  Its just worrisome that this has been done on Friday, it almost seems a bit sneaky, but my imagination is running ahead of me.  Its been the only thing I can think of since Friday, with all sorts of worst case scenarios.

[Rara Avis]

What are the worst case scenarios? What do you think they'll say that's so bad?

[Jade Falcon]

If I'm honest, I don't know.  It could be anything, it could be nothing.  I tried phoning the shop manager today in the morning and got abruptly told to phone back later as she was dealing with admin stuff,.  I phoned later and no answer.  An email from the HR said it was a supportive talk and just repeated the concerns part after saying they did not know I had anxiety issues.  However, there was no elaboration on what exactly this means.