Are you bored?...Then lets set a record!!!

[Malchidiel]

And apologies to Liverpudlians too:)

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and
obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear:
"Do you want a blow job?" he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over
another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big Scouser replies.
"Something about a job."

[Queen Firey-Bou]

highly pertinant to earlier discussions heres chapter 1, makes you think eh folk;

"midway upon the road of our life i found myself within a dark wood ,for the right way had been missed. Ah! how hard a thing it is to tell what this wild and rough and dense wood was, which in thought renews the fear!"

[Queen Firey-Bou]

karne, iam liking you jokes, not yours devons dadda.

[Queen Firey-Bou]

ah remember you wanted to know about trees:This celebration, 'Treefest Scotland 2002', is a festival of events happening across Scotland throughout the year. Events big and small, local, national and international, are being organised by many different people to celebrate the vital role that trees, woods and forests play in our health, wealth and heritage.

[Queen Firey-Bou]

so anyway when i asked about it this is what they said...In order to compete in any form of motorsport, participants must be a member of an RAC Motor Sports Association affiliated Car Club.  Click here to see a list of Scottish Car Clubs, or visit the MSA's web site for more information on this and other ways of getting involved.

The following information has been issued by the MSA - the governing body of British Motor Sport - aimed at new competitors to rallying.

[JTurner]

Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore?
If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night.
And I'll find you. Oh, yes.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Waheyyy! Coom on!  Yoo-wa! Yoo-wa! Nice one! Largin' it, bods! Tunes!
Sorry, jacob, what was that you were saying?

[El Spurioso]

As ever, the King of all Jokes is unlimbered and ready to fire, regardless of how many times it's been spoken before:


Q.   Why does Rupert the Bear wear tartan trousers?



First one with the answer wins a minute sliver of respect.

[Malchidiel]

This isn't directed at anyone in particular, honest. :)

Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!

Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
 
Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
 
Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
 
Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
 
Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
 
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
 
Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
 
Yo mama head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
 
Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a 1p.

Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
 
Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.

Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
 
Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.
 
Yo mama hair so short she curls it with rice.
 
Yo mama lips so big, Vaseline had to invent a spray.
 
Yo mama hips are so big, people put their drinks on them.
 
Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.

Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
 
Yo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.

[Queen Firey-Bou]

Issued by the Met Office at 0500 UTC on Sunday 08 December.

Inshore Waters Forecast to 12 miles offshore from 0500 UTC to 0500 UTC.


From Cape Wrath to Rattray Head including Orkney.

24 hour forecast:
Hi chaps  i just know you need to know whats happening out there so here we go;

 Wind: generally southeast 5, increasing 6. southeast 4 over Inner Moray Firth.
Weather: mainly fair, a few showers at first.
Visibility: good.
Sea State: rough.
Outlook for the following 24 hours:
Wind: southeast 5 or 6, easing east 4.
Weather: fair.
Visibility: good.
Sea State: rough.

[judda fett]

ATTENTION:

Michael Barrymore will not be apearing in panto for the rest of the year as he's already done Aladdin.

[karne]

"Ahem":

Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks ? His pants fit him like a glove.

[karne]

More chuckles please, here's another from me:

A foreign legion commandant was assigned a new post, and was being given a tour of his new outpost by his second in command. At the end of the tour, he turns to his aide and says "I have a question, what do you do to stop the men becoming sexually frustrated?" To which his aide replies "Well you see that camel over there..." The commandant quickly replies "say no more, I understand".

The commandant is quite disgusted by this notion, but says nothing. However two months later his urges get the better of him and he races up to the camel and starts vigorously shagging it. At this point his aide walks up and says "We usually just ride it into town to the brothel sir".

[Queen Firey-Bou]

Q: What is the definition of a tachyon?
A: It's a gluon that's not completely dry

[Queen Firey-Bou]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Zeno of Elea:  To prove it could never reach the other side.