Are you bored?...Then lets set a record!!!

[Queen Firey-Bou]

Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ?
Your teeth !

[Queen Firey-Bou]

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
You get tinsel-itus !

[Queen Firey-Bou]

What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ?
Grave-y !

[Devons Daddy]

two hunters in the woods. one accidentaly shoots the other.
quickly he gets his mobile phone and calls 999.
he explains the paramedic on the phone what has happened and that he thinks he may have killed him.
the para medic asks
are you sure he is dead.make sure your right.
wait says the hunter.
two shots ring out.
the hunter comes back to the phone.
 yes hes definetally dead now.

[Devons Daddy]

man out walking his dog.
car turns the corner and hits dog head on.the man picks up the dog and runs into the vets just across the road.
teh vet checks the dogs pulse and says to the man. im sorry ther is nothign i can do. your dog has died.
no says the man this is my specail friend are you completly sure he is dead.

ok says the vet i will investigate further.
he takes a white persian out of a cage in the room. it runs its paw over the dog. shakes its head and meows loundly.
no said the vet he agrees with me.
one last  chance. he gets a golden labrador from the other room, the dog sniffs the dog on the table. sits and howls and hangs his head.
im very sorry says the vet hes gone sir.
ok says the man
how much is the charge .
that will be 300 pounds sir.
how much says the man. just to tell me my dog is dead, why?
oh its the lab test and cat scan that makes it so expensive sir.

[Matt Timson]

Cool- never had five in a row before.

Sorry to waste your time.

[seeneester]

Oh it was all a dream.

[petemaskreplica]

How many Manchester United supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he'd need a mate to drive him up from Surrey.

[Queen Firey-Bou]

If this thread is so long it hurts most PCs brains...how oh how can we continue????

[seeneester]

And what has happeened to thee jokes?

[Queen Firey-Bou]

I'm sorry but the jokers union has come on strike in protest of the standard of jokes on this thread. Prescot wants to sack them all but acas is trying to intervien, hopefully it will be resolves before Christmas or 7 million tommes of crackers will have to go to landfill.

[Dounreay]

Alarmed at the lack of hilarity, the government has intervened by allowing the use of jokes from the National Joke Reserve. Although old these jokes are deemed to be serviceable in times of crisis.

NJR Cat No. 3745/BYZ/09701 Sub-text:Nuns

Two nuns are travelling through Trannsylvania in their wagon. Suddenly a vampire jumps into the road and starts walking towards them.

"Oh no" says the first nun "What shall we do?"

"Fear not child" says the second "We are women of God. Show the creature your cross and that will drive it off."

So the first nun leans out of the wagon and shouts "OI, YOU WITH THE TEETH - FUCK OFF!"

[Malchidiel]

I can't think of a joke at the moment, so I'll just point out how canny my Penfold icon looks in his new Christmas hat.

[Malchidiel]

I found another joke.

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch
watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy,
whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

The old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens
with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old
man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with
about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise
and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in
his hand.

The old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks
with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the
old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll
of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat".

[Malchidiel]

Loads more jokes coming up.

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."