Let me share my memories of seeing the first "Judge Dredd" movie with you...

[ChickenStu]

So. I'm 17. It's a gloriously hot day in Summer 1995 - and I'm dead excited about seeing Judge Dredd. A big budget, special effects packed big screen adaptation of a comic book I love - starring an icon of cinema who I've grown up with.

I'm sitting in the cinema with my friend Dan. The lights go down. Alan Silvestri's music score starts, we are greeted with classic comic covers and James Earl Jones' voice booms throughout the cinema reading a title card explaining the world of Mega City One. At this point I am excited. Very.

Then, I remember seeing Rob Schneider's stupid little fucking gerbil face and hearing his whiny little voice. My heart sank slightly. My hopes are lifted slightly by Stallone's heroic introduction and his big booming "I AM THE LAW" speech. Then I hear the words "Double Whammy" and again I am in the doldrums.

Who knew that an hour and a half could feel so bloody long? I knew the film was completely fucked the second he took off his helmet whilst chatting with Chief Justice Fargo (what the hell was Max Von Sydow doing in this garbage?)

I could've handled Dredd taking off his helmet IF

A - He didn't willingly take it off. If it was removed when he was being stripped of his rank and sentenced to Aspen.

B- He had a big gnarly scar or something. A gross disfigurment, which maybe made one if his eyes milky...

But no. Let's face it, in an unconvential way Sylvester Stallone is a very handsome man. Of course he wouldn't let his quirky, yet iconic good looks be ruined for his big sci fi movie.

From that point on, my heart sank. REALLY sank. For the rest of the film - it's just Stallone running round with a big gun, a dirty shirt and a stupid comedy sidekick. This wasn't a Judge Dredd movie. It was just a Stallone movie. And not a very good one. Hell, fucking Daylight is better than this shit.

Add in Armand Assante as a pantomime, scenery chewing villian (but hey, at least he looked like he was having some fun) - then you've got a real dud here.

Sure, Mega City One looked OK (but the FX to me were a bit ropey even then), Cursed Earth was rendered fairly well - and Mean Machine and the ABC Warrior (um.. why was he in this?) were pretty on the money - but that didn't save what is essentially a very bad movie.

Problem is, this was made my Americans. Nothing wrong with our friends across the pond, but the whole point of the comic book was it kind of affectionatly parodied certain aspects of American society. The film completely missed this and replaced the satire of the comic book with ill attempted comedy that bordered on slapstick.

When we get to what is supposed to be the most exciting part of the film - the money moment - the FLYING BIKE chase... I was just sitting in my seat hoping it was still sunny outside for the walk home.

And here's a question: Those "Judge Hunter" guys in the black suits who were sent to apprehend Dredd.
Dredd kills them right? Shoots a load of them, (even Fargo takes one out) and deliberatly causes them to explode and crash on the flying bikes? AREN'T THEY COPS TOO? Shouldn't Dredd at least get in trouble for wasting them?

You'll see I mentioned my walk home earlier. Well let me tell you guys. Whilst walking home, dissapointed and crushed that a comic book character I loved had been so badly fucked up - a wasp somehow made it's way into my trousers and STUNG ME ON MY ASS.

A fitting ending I think to the story of when I saw Sylvester Stallone's Judge Dredd movie.

[Bat King]

Best write up ever!

Hope you had a better experience with the latest version.

[ChickenStu]

Hope you had a better experience with the latest version.

Oh, fuck yeah. It was the mutt's nuts! 

[Mabs]

"You'll see I mentioned my walk home earlier. Well let me tell you guys. Whilst walking home, dissapointed and crushed that a comic book character I loved had been so badly fucked up - a wasp somehow made it's way into my trousers and STUNG ME ON MY ASS."

Ouch!!

Great write up ChickenStu, and i couldn't agree with you more.

[ChickenStu]

"You'll see I mentioned my walk home earlier. Well let me tell you guys. Whilst walking home, dissapointed and crushed that a comic book character I loved had been so badly fucked up - a wasp somehow made it's way into my trousers and STUNG ME ON MY ASS."

The only time (touch wood) it's ever happened to me.

Ouch!!

Not an experience I'd want to repeat.

Great write up ChickenStu, and i couldn't agree with you more.

Lol, thanks dude. The annoying thing is, it probably could have been a good movie. 

[captain_skank]

Nice write up.

Best thing about this film was the Landrover 101's made into taxis imho

[nicklambo]

One just sold on e-bay for £5000....Tried to convince my wife that as she wanted a 4x4 it would be perfect....no luck...

[Michaelvk]

FFS, NOW you tell me.. I'm in the market for a Land Rover now.. Gonna go look at a Wolf this weekend..