Meg 225 Ladies who punch!

[Byron Virgo]

Y'know, I've been feeling...well, a bit odd today, a bit down. It's been a tough few months - a tough few years even, particularly this last year. But I was really cheered up reading 'Bite Club' in this months Megazine. I don't know waht it is, but that camp vamp never fails to put a smile on my face.

The spirit of Devlin is irrepressible!

Unfortunately, as I was leafing through 'The Simping Detective', I spilt the plastic cup of water I had been drinking from. Ingeniously, the water managed to avoid either the seat or the floor, and concentrated itself on wetting both the Megazine, causing the pages to stick together, and the crotchal area of my trousers. This not only resulted in me having to wear wet trousers all day at work (and probably get pneumonia of teh knob if such things are possible), but I also look as if I've been on some massive spastic masturbating urine frenzy.

It's no wonder I'm depressed.

[Bolt-01]

Serves you right, and it'll make you go blind! LOL

Bolt-01

[IndigoPrime]

That IMDB filmography you linked to is hilarious. Reminds me of that scene in Clerks when Randal is ordering all those porn videos in front of that lady who wants "Happy Scrappy Hero Pup" for her young kid (who she happens to be holding at the time).

[The Amstor Computer]

Bou:

She *does* look freakishly young, doesn't she? Rest assured (or not) she is well over legal age - she's just part of a sad trend in a certain kind of movie for disturbingly young-looking stars (hell, part of a *general* Western trend...)

Her IMDB bio is amusing, though - not quite as funny as those of pornstars who've tried to go legit. You only need to go back a few movies before you run into a "Anal Manoeuvres 13" or a "Cocked and Loaded" :-D

[Byron Virgo]

 

Memorable Quotes from
Clerks. (1994)
Randal Graves : Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement.

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Caitlin Bree : Can I use the bathroom?
Randal Graves : Sure, but there's no light back there.
Caitlin Bree : Why arn't there any lights?
Randal Graves : Well, there are, but for some reason they stop working at 5:14 every night. Nobody can figure it out. And the boss doesn't want to pay the electrician to fix it, because the electrician owes money to the video store.
Caitlin Bree : Such a sordid state of affairs.
Randal Graves : And I'm caught right in the middle - torn between my loyalty to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on.
Caitlin Bree : Well, I'll try to manage.
Randal Graves : Oh, hey Caitlin, break his heart again this time, and I'll kill ya. Nothing personal.

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Cat Admiring Bitter Customer : Cute cat. What's his name?
Randal Graves : Annoying customer.
Cat Admiring Bitter Customer : [grabs pack of cigarettes] Fuckin' dickhead.

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Jay : What's up, baby? What's up, sluts?

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Randal Graves : My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.

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Jay : I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit.

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Dante Hicks : It wasn't me.
Caitlin Bree : [scoffs] Yeah, right. Who was it? Randal?
Dante Hicks : [to Randal] Was it you?
Randal Graves : I was up here the whole time.
Caitlin Bree : You two better quit it.
Dante Hicks : I'm serious.
Caitlin Bree : So, we didn't jus have sex in the bathroom?
Dante Hicks : No.
Caitlin Bree : Stop it. This isn't funny.
Dante Hicks : I'm not kidding. I just came in from outside.
Caitlin Bree : This isn't fucking funny Dante!
Dante Hicks : I'm not fooling around!
[to Randal]
Dante Hicks : Who went back there?
Randal Graves : Nobody, I swear!
Caitlin Bree : I feel nauseous.
Dante Hicks : Are you sure there's somebody back there?
Caitlin Bree : Well I didn't just fuck myself! Jesus Christ, I think I'm gonna be sick!
Randal Graves : You just fucked a total stranger?
Dante Hicks : Shut the fuck up!
Caitlin Bree : I can't belive this...
Dante Hicks : Call the police!
Caitlin Bree : No, don't!
Randal Graves : Why?
Dante Hicks : Because there's a stranger in our bathroom and he just raped Caitlin!
Randal Graves : But she said that she did all the work.
Dante Hicks : Would you shut the fuck up! Who the fuck's in our bathroom?

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[after losing a hockey ball from the roof]
Dante Hicks : Are there any balls down there?
Jay : About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!

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Dante Hicks : Hey, whatcha rent?
[reads the cover to Randal's videotape]
Dante Hicks : "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal Graves : Hermaphroditic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante Hicks : And you rented this?
Randal Graves : Hey, I like to expand my horizons.

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Caitlin Bree : I'm offering you my body and you're offering me semantics.

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Randal Graves : So your argument is that title dictates behavior?
Dante Hicks : What?
Randal Graves : The reason you won't let me borrow your car is because I have a title and a job description, and I'm supposed to follow it, right?
Dante Hicks : Exactly.
Tabloid Reading Customer : I saw one, one time, that said the world was ending the next week. Then in the next week's paper, they said we were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant bird. Crazy shit.
Randal Graves : So I'm no more responsible for my own decisions while I'm here at work than, say, the Death Squad soldiers in Bosnia?
Dante Hicks : That's stretching it. You're not being asked to slay children or anything.
Randal Graves : Not yet.
[takes a drink of water]
Tabloid Reading Customer : And I remember this one time the damn paper said...
[Randal spits water at him]
Tabloid Reading Customer : I'm going to break your fucking head! You fucking jerk-off!
Dante Hicks : Sir! Sir, I'm sorry! He didn't mean it! He meant to hit me.
Tabloid Reading Customer : Well, he missed!
Dante Hicks : I know. I'm sorry. Here, let me refund your money, and we'll call it even.
Tabloid Reading Customer : I'll never come in here again.
[to Randal]
Tabloid Reading Customer : And if I ever see you again, I'm gonna break your fucking head open!
[Randal salutes him, customer leaves]
Dante Hicks : What'd you do that for?
Randal Graves : Two reasons: one, I hate when the people can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante Hicks : Jesus!
Randal Graves : And two, to make a point: title does not dictate behavior. If title dictated my behavior, as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit a mouthful of water at that guy. But I did, so my point is that people dictate their own behavior. Hence, even though I'm a clerk in this video store, I choose to go rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
[Dante gives Randal his car keys]
Dante Hicks : You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal Graves : I like to think I'm a master of my own destiny.
Dante Hicks : Please, get the hell out of here.
Randal Graves : Oh, come on. You know I'm your hero.

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[repeated line]
Dante Hicks : I'm not supposed to be here today!

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Dante Hicks : You know what the real tragedy of this day is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Randal Graves : Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! There you go again trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex girlfriend without even discussing how he felt about it with his present girlfriend? You want someone to blame for today? Blame yourself. "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here today. You're here under your own volition. You like to think that the weight of the world rests on Dante's shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Christ, you overcompensate for what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic and important than it really is. You work at a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work at a shitty video store, badly as well. That guy Jay's got it right, man. He's got no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to think that we're so much more advanced than the people that come in here everyday to buy paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?

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[last lines]
Randal Graves : You're closed!

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Coroner : My only question is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy?
Dante Hicks : She thought it was me.
Coroner : What kind of convenience store do you run here?

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Randal Graves : Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks : "Empire".
Randal Graves : Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks : "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets.

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Dante Hicks : You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.
Randal Graves : [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante Hicks : What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal Graves : He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off.
Dante Hicks : Nudie booth?
Randal Graves : Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante Hicks : I guess not.
Randal Graves : Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante Hicks : What kinda show?
[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels]
Randal Graves : They do the weirdest, craziest shit you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening.
Dante Hicks : Could we not talk about this right now?
Randal Graves : The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Offended Customer : I will never come to this place again!
Dante Hicks : I'm sorry?
Offended Customer : Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante Hicks : I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Offended Customer : I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal Graves : Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out!
[Shows him graphic picture from porn mag]
Randal Graves : I think you can see her kidneys!

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Randal Graves : You know who I could do without? I could do without the people in the video store.
Dante Hicks : Which ones?
Randal Graves : All of them.
[a series of vignettes]
Bed Wetting Dad : What would you get for a six-year-old who chronically wets his bed?
Video Confusion Customer : So, do you have any new releases in?
[zoom out to see a huge sign that says "NEW RELEASES" directly above her]
Low I.Q. Video Customer : Do you have that one with that guy who was in the movie that was out last year?
Randal Graves : They never rent quality flicks. They always pick the most intellectually devoid movies on the rack.
Low I.Q. Video Customer : OOOOH! NAVY SEALS!
Randal Graves : It's like in order to join, they have to have an I.Q. that's less than their shoe size.
Dante Hicks : You think you get stupid questions? You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get.
[more vignettes]
Cold Coffee Lover : What do mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?
Candy Confusion Customer : So how much is this thing anyway?
[zoom out to see a huge "EVERYTHING ONLY 99?" sign behind her]
Hubcap Searching Customer : Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh, Mini-Trucker Magazine!

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Dante Hicks : I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store.
Jay : I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about?
Willam Black : Hey, man, you got anything?
Jay : Yeah, man, what you want?

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Indecisive Video Customer : They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good?
[Randal ignores her]
Randal Graves : What?
Indecisive Video Customer : Are either one of these any good?
Randal Graves : I don't watch movies.
Indecisive Video Customer : Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal Graves : I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Indecisive Video Customer : You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal Graves : Nope.
Indecisive Video Customer : [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?
Randal Graves : Oh, they suck.
Indecisive Video Customer : These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal Graves : No, I wasn't.
Indecisive Video Customer : I don't think your manager would appreciate...
Randal Graves : I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Indecisive Video Customer : I beg your pardon?
Randal Graves : Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me.
Indecisive Video Customer : I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal Graves : And, I hope it feels good.
Indecisive Video Customer : You hope WHAT feels good?
Randal Graves : I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Indecisive Video Customer : Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal Graves : You'll be missed.
Indecisive Video Customer : Screw you!
[leaves]
Randal Graves : [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

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Silent Bob : You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.

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Randal Graves : People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."

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Dante Hicks : Yeah, I mean aside from the cheating, we were a great couple. I mean that's what high school was about, algebra, bad lunch, and infidelity.

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Dante Hicks : You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica Loughran : Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante Hicks : You sucked his dick!
Veronica Loughran : We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante Hicks : Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica Loughran : Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Hicks : Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica Loughran : I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante Hicks : I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica Loughran : Please calm down.
Dante Hicks : How many?
Veronica Loughran : Dante...
Dante Hicks : How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica Loughran : Let it go!
Dante Hicks : How many?
Veronica Loughran : All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante Hicks : This is different, this is important. How many?
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante Hicks : Well?
Veronica Loughran : Something like... 36.
Dante Hicks : What? Something like 36?
Veronica Loughran : Lower your voice.
Dante Hicks : Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
Veronica Loughran : Ummm... 37.
Dante Hicks : I'm 37?

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Dante Hicks : All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?

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Dante Hicks : My girlfriend's sucked 37 dicks!
Customer with Diapers : In a row?

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Dante Hicks : Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!

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Randal Graves : This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.

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Caged Animal Masturbator : It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.

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Dante Hicks : But you hate people.
Randal Graves : Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

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Chewlies Gum Rep : It's that kind of mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to survive. Of course we're all going to die someday, but do we have to pay for it? Do we actually have to throw hard-earned dollars on the counter and say, "Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir, please, sell me something that will stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs?"

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Dante Hicks : What's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank?

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[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : Excuse me, do you sell videos?
Randal Graves : Yeah, what're you looking for?
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid : Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
Randal Graves : Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again?
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.
'Happy-Scrappy' Kid : Happy Scrappy...
'Happy-Scrappy' Mom : She loves it.
Randal Graves : Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh... yeah... Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?
 
http://www.newsaskew.com/va5/jeffanderson.jpg">

[Smiley]

Enjoyed Psmith's interview a lot. Went "Huh? No mention of Bogie Man?" then saw there's another part to come. Huzzah!

Young Middenface is great fun and Charley's War is still a masterpiece, but W.M.D.'s the highlight for me. Just what is Fauster up to?

[paulvonscott]

I preferred watching clerks to reading the entire script...

I was a bit bored by this months meg.  Maybe the Dictators of Zrag have implanted a 'vague disinterest' field chip into the issue.

Middenface is great, even if they may as well be blowing up Mars as far as I know, how come we never have any NE England stuff beyond the odd character name?

Charley's War was pretty brutal, really enjoying it.

Enjoyed the admittedly rather slight Devlyn Tale.  We've had the bite fight story before, but it ended well.

Also, I think I've read that Anderson story before.  It just seems like such an old idea.  Lets hope the next story is as good as Half-Life was.  I prefer Anderson dealing with the human and the supernatural (Half Life, Gargaryxx), more than the spiritual and fantastic (Satan, This Current Strip, Shamballa) or even straight crime stuff like the one with the lizardmen.  

Not sure if this makes me shallow, but I can pretty much go through all the Anderson stories and put a cross or a tick next to the ones I don't or do like, and the results are pretty conclusive.

My mild interest in Shimura has vanished, there's something moderatly sickening about female characters always seeming to shoot men in the genitals in films and comic strips.  'Hey, this girls sassy!'  If Dredd kept occasionally shooting his female perps in the reproductive organs (please, no pun intended), we'd be suitably aghast.  Sorry, it just seems perverse to me.  Anyway, that's an aside, I just wasn't interested in the story.

Cover just isn't very nice to look at, and that's due to DeMarco.  This is a character I really liked, I don't really want to see her dressed as some fem-gimp.  

There's a reason readers get upset about this sort of stuff, in that it's basically a cheapening of a character they feel they have some afinity with.  While reading the Pit, I never once thought I'd like to see her with only a bit of shoe lace round her fanny (no, honestly, I didn't!).  I was interested in her, what sort of person she was, what decisions she'd make, and what would happen to her.  Hey, even how far would she get with Dredd.

I don't mind nudity, or even sex in the strips if it's done well.  I don't mind Demarco looking sexy on the cover, she doesn't here, but sexy doesn't mean just taking as many clothes off her as possible.

I'm also a bit bored by the way female characters always seem to get that 'well we could kill you or we could fuck you' style covers.  Even worse when it's tied to some 'Girl Power' message.  That seems to be the only cover that can be done if it has a woman on it.  I mean, at least the cover could be honest and say we're just showing you some purdy ladies.

Finally, here is a nudity related item...

I got to see Naked News last night, it's a very Mega City One concept, completely straight news while the newscasters strip.  It was bizarre and funny, especially when a story came on that you were interested in, and your mind had to battle to stay focussed on the story.  The on location naked reporter interviewing people was just weird.  It's somewhere on Sky, I could try and find out which channel I suppose, it's worth seeing for any student of media culture.

And sorry girls (and some guys), no male anchors on the show.  Unless it has a companion programme I haven't seen.

[paulvonscott]

Oh yes, and the interview again was the best text piece by several million miles.  Really meaty interviews, with loads of info in them.

Loved Smiths reaction to Burt's arrival.

[Dunk!]

An average Meg for me made great by the Robin Smith interview.

The period of his tenure at 2000ad is when the comic was having the most profound effect on my young mind and therefore it's golden age for me. It's fascinating to hear a view of what was going on behind the scenes at that time, especially one that involves comment and opinion rather than just cold fact. Hearing about the passion and pain that went into creating some of the art just bolsters my love of it. More interviews with the editorial staff would be gratefully received. Love to hear from Kev O'Neill as someone who influenced the comic from both the editorial side and as an artist.

Roll on the next Meg.

[Marbles]

Dredd-Bite fight : a pretty average story tbh. This all seems small beer compared to whats going in the weekly.

Simp : This is wonderful & the best episode yet. Outstanding art & witty dialogue segue perfectly to create something really special. Wow.

Shimura : Andy Clarkes lovely art is perfect for this. A great revival - more please.

Anderson : Sorry i really just do not like this. Story is incomprehensible guff.

Middenface : I've not got a thing against Alan Grant but this is garbage too.

Dredd 2% - to prove my point, this isnt actually too bad.

All in all the Meg isnt too bad, the Simp & Shimura are worth the price of admisssion on their own. But what it really needs is a good dose of Wagner.

[paulvonscott]

2% was Grant telling us how much he doesn't like Dredd again.  I mean, I'd rather he stuck to the Middenface, which I really like, than write stories just to comment on Dredd.  Besides, Grant prefers his heroes to wear tights (Batman) ;)

[Queen Firey-Bou]

just read some more,

that last page of the simp was a hell of an image huh? frazer sure draws pruddy laydees.


shimura, i missed people getting shot in balls must look again, andy clark is one o mine fave artists, but wasnt happy with inabas neddett silly hair do, give her some orange make up , lots of gold argos jewellry & a shell suit & whahey!   appart from that Great !! what a bastard the executoner is !

Charleys war was brill too...cliff hanger central

actaully read some text stuff, nothing too irritating.

Bite fight, on second thoughts disappointing ending, such an exciting mad start then...wallup,

spoilers.....
...
......
...
.
.
.
. judges storm in
fight
dredd wins in one or two panels
devlin says sorry old chap i'm rather camp don chew know...

lame.

[Oddboy]

Only read bits & pieces from it so far -

Cover, yeesh! Knobbly-knees!

Dredd/Devlin - pretty good, but as already said: small potatoes compared to Total War.

Dredd 2% was just lame. Nice art though.

Simping D - funtastic. 'Spurrious Heights' heh.

Heatseekers were all fairly entertaining.

[Oddboy]

(and after reading the rest...)

Shimura, great stuff - really happy to have this back in the Megazine.

Anderson, haven't got a clue what's going on really, but it seems exciting.

McNulty, very nice juxtaposition! Damn those dirty muties. Kill 'em all!

[Satanist]

Dredd (Bite Club) : Good enough ending but I've not read many of Devlins tales so dont know how it compares.

Simping Detective : Grrrrrrrrreat. Art and script are ace.

Anderson : Love the art but either the stories lost the plot along the way or I have. Will read as a whole when its finished.

Middenface : This has to get a thumbs up just cos it shows Muties sailing up the Clyde (and if they werent mutated before they went near that river then they would be by the time they came out). Im a total sucker for depictions of Glasgow in comics so roll on the new Bogie Man. Ignoring all that Im still lovin it though.

Shimura : Again Im not familiar with this character but still enjoying this.

Charleys War : Effing Ace

Dredd (2%) : This was the weakest link for me. Is it really saying that Dredds a psychotic?

Text : Better than last month. Grennie spoiler didnt bother me at all even though Ive not read Mach 1.

Cracking Meg this month.