The Letters Beast - Online!

[Buttonman]

How could we deny such a lovely request?!

Firstly, your place on the all time greats list has been confirmed and you have been granted the Beast Identifier code of ((( - don't see this as a row of sad faces, more like three Pringles. The updated chart is below - sorry it's a bit squeewiff - it's bigger than a single snip now!

As for your own efforts your list is below. The Beast records what was published so no retro name changes are allowed!

[SmallBlueThing(Reborn)]

You are a true gent, and living up to your forum handle. By which of course I mean the "report to moderator" button.

I jest.

Much appreciated Mr , Paisley. To the Thrill-Vault!

SBT

[Buttonman]

We live to give!

Unless it's money, in which case you can piss off!

[Buttonman]

Splutter! What? Another letters page only two weeks after the last? Looks like those Bill Gates nanobots that are taking over the nation have  enlivened the nation's letter writing habits. Our last digestion of the letters page was an unqualified success (read : unsuccessful) with 1002 reads. OK most of them were us correcting the many typos, but it's still more reads than our blog gets by about 1000 or so. The country is clearly so bereft of anything worthwhile to watch/eat/abuse, that they have gone to the only safe haven left - a self indulgent review of a letters page driven by puns rather than anything even approaching worthwhile criticism. So let's stick with that!

Prog 2216 gives us a full page six pack from the Mighty One and although there aren't many familiar faces, at least it's a few newbies to muse over before declaring them rubbish and the olden days, when Heroclix came falling through our door, were much better.

We lead off with the only really familiar face on Show, Kevin Foakes of that London. Kevin is a 2000ad lifer having had his first letter published in Prog 557 back in 1988. He lived in Reigate Surrey then, before moving to The Smoke to realise his dream of becoming a full time letter writer. And what a successful career it's been, with a total of 9 letters now his showing in return for only 30 wasted years. He was last seen in Meg 394 in 2018 and has a 6:3 Prog to Meg ratio. His Letter of the Week here is his second after claiming the glory for the first time in Prog 1733.

Kevin is a fan of the art and waxes lyrical about all five stories scoring high on his 'Thrillometer'. Maybe he could explain 'Proteus Vex' to us?  The boffins at Bletchley Park would have trouble with that one! He gives great marks to all the artists and notes that "Will Simpson back on Dredd was a surprise too". Hmm, that sounds not so much like a backhanded compliment as a barefaced 'What the hell is this?" - good socks though.

Matthew Ellis of Bedford is up next, adding another player to the ongoing squabble of 'Who is the Elite Ellis?'. Charles of that clan leads on 5 and was last seen on Prog 2133 in 2019. One time leader Warren Ellis still sits on his 2 from Progs 207 and 282, and he also boasts a profile in Prog 220. It's not clear why he stopped writing after a promising start - maybe lost his writing talent? Matthew has a long way to go to catch up with the all Bedford champion, the wonderfully named Debbie Maddams who has been stuck on 5 since her last outing in Prog 1105 in 1988, when she was awarded the Letter of the Week laurels.

Matthew  tells Tharg he's doing a "good job" - must be the all plastic cups diet. Matthew is also a fan of the art and says Will Simpson is getting into his groove after working on 'Game of Thrones'. We all worked on that too - what a mess. The letter construction here is poor , with Matthew's highlight actually being two things - what a howler. He may have reviewed his letter late in the day and thought it lacked in content, so a three further bon mots are thrown onto a busy last paragraph. Overall : Adequate job.

Some people have a common first name and others a familiar second name. Ian James of Shrewsbury manages both, making our data trawl through The Beast's archive a right old chore. Have some consideration people - get a name like 'Maddams' and make our searching easier. The Beast has 204 'Ians' and 382 'James' and it took us the best part of 30 seconds to filter that down to this Ian's 2 entries. His first was in Prog 2180 in 2020 and this effort ties him for the all Shrewsbury title with Chris 'Not a' Payne who had his brief spurt of glory in Progs 992 and 1014.

Ian wastes a paragraph telling us why he isn't writing before gushing about the opening offerings of 2021. He's obviously been finishing off the Bailleys as he compares the current Dredd offering with the classic 'Crazy batty and Little Mo' and says he welcomes visits from anyone from the Doghouse - he's barking mad with that opinion! He leaves his letter open for Tharg to promote some coming attractions and the Green God doesn't disappoint.

More Ian excitement next in the shape of Ian Scott of Cambridge. This offering extends Cambridge's lead over varsity rivals Oxford to 61 to 48. Eat that Matthew Pinsent! Ian has had a 20 year absence from the letters page with his first offerings displayed in Meg 156 and Prog 1130, both in 1999, before this latest outing, his third overall. 20 years lost - hope he wasn't wasting his time raising a family and having a career!

Ian's brief letter is a thank you for 'Survival Geeks' which we agree was a good strip and a neat conclusion to a story that didn't outstay its welcome. Cough <Sinister Dexter> cough. He says that the Xmas Prog was "pretty special", unlike his letter which was pretty unremarkable, but a nice thought all the same.

David Weir of Bristol, who may have used to play for Rangers, shows up next in his debut offering. The 'Weir' clan are poorly represented on The Beast, with the only other of their name to make the grade being Stephen (good name) of  Prog 852 fame. David hails from Bristol which has a better pedigree than the Weirs, offering 146 total letters - more than Oxford and Cambridge combined - so much for education!

David moans about the postal delays which we covered in our last edition. He says the Dictators of Zrag may have been responsible - more likely it was due to the work experience boy chucking the Progs in the bin so he could go home early to sniff glue, but we'll take David's theory under advisement.  He also waffles on about his 'thrill sucked cognition circuits' - that normally costs extra, especially over the holidays.

We finish off with a letter headed "Never better" - hardly seems likely, given no PA2 postcodes are in sight. Actually the first five letters are all from English writers and this one from 'email' saves us from a Sassenach full house. Wait a minute, hoots mon, this writer Peter Brockwell has one previous appearance on The Beast when he lived in...Milton Keynes! It's official - Tharg hates the Jocks, Taffs and Paddies! For shame. Still we really should start writing in again to at least give him the chance to delete our emails, unread! Peter's previous printed prose came in Prog 2045 in 2017.

He gets the longest letter of the page award, a full 12cm of gushing and gratitude that is hard to dislike. It is really heartfelt, if perhaps a bit too positive - we need some moaning to keep us going in these dark days - it's the British way.

Right that's our lot. A good letters page that was all thanks and praise and a bright light against a landscape of 100,000 dead and a closed Greggs. It's hoped we can get back to the petty gripes and funny criticisms soon, but for now this is what we need. Everything is good. Keep believing!

[Colin YNWA]

Don't forget Ian Scott also had a forgettable career as a journey man playing in the lower(ish) leagues in the late 80s early 90s before dedicating himself to the written word.

David Weir also had the misfortune of playing for Everton... or he could of course be the staggeringly successful wheelchair athlete.

[sheridan]

a full 12cm of gushing and gratitude that is hard to dislike.

*ahem*  "That's what she said" m'lud.

[Buttonman]

Don't forget Ian Scott also had a forgettable career as a journey man playing in the lower(ish) leagues in the late 80s early 90s before dedicating himself to the written word.

David Weir also had the misfortune of playing for Everton... or he could of course be the staggeringly successful wheelchair athlete.

Right, next issue is all namealikes once again. It's failed before so let's see it fail again!

[leethomson]

Not long now. Luther Davies next and we wished we watched the show as  there are probably some puns to be had. <looks at Wikipedia> Luther Elbas his way onto the page with a Ruth(Wilson)less  attack on correct numbering that will make many readers (Mark) Cross. His structure is poor as he starts with offering a double but ends up with a three-bagger; each more positive than the last - it'll never catch on.

Luther is from e-mailland also but we know he lives, or used to live, in Chipping Norton possibly alongside Jeremy Clarkson. In that vein his letter is like a rocket ship driven by a maniac - on steroids!

Lither still lives in Chipping Norton (though some distance from Clarkson)!  Pre-COVID we had regular gaming nights, and I'd water his plants when he went on holiday. Had no idea he was a missive launcher. It's a squaxx, squaxx, squaxx, squaxx world. 

[Buttonman]

That's some quality letters based stalking right there!

[SmallBlueThing(Reborn)]

Dear Mr. Buttonman,

I dont know if there is a spare column on your excel spreadsheet for 'prizes received', but I have good news. This evening- at 8.30pm!- the postman delivered a package from Rebellion containing Brink vol 1 from the Ultimate Collection- my reward for the 'letter of the week' in prog 2212. Which is doubly fab as I was hovering over the buy button for Brink vols 1&2 paperbacks in my Amazon basket earlier.

I'm sure if such a column doesnt exist, it will soon as I'm sure the question of what people get for their efforts keeps you up nights.

Yours, etc
Mr. SBT

[leethomson]

That's some quality letters based stalking right there!

(he didn't know I was watering his plants)

[Buttonman]

Dear Mr. Buttonman,

I dont know if there is a spare column on your excel spreadsheet for 'prizes received', but I have good news. This evening- at 8.30pm!- the postman delivered a package from Rebellion containing Brink vol 1 from the Ultimate Collection- my reward for the 'letter of the week' in prog 2212. Which is doubly fab as I was hovering over the buy button for Brink vols 1&2 paperbacks in my Amazon basket earlier.

I'm sure if such a column doesnt exist, it will soon as I'm sure the question of what people get for their efforts keeps you up nights.

Never really been interested in the prizes. Gratefully accepted of course, but I generally give them away, eBay them off or raffle them for char-i- tay. The majority of them for me ave been Heroclix that usually came detached from their pedestal during transit.

What the real prize is, is your letter being in that issue of the Prog forever! Want to impress a lady in 20 years time? casually drop the correct issue in her lap and watch the delight slowly unfold. It hasn't happened for me yet, but I'm sure that it will.

[Proudhuff]

Or show them the drawing you had in the Nerve Centre? Oh no, you can't do that 

[Aaron A Aardvark]

Wow. I've had two letters published. Wonder what they were about?

[Buttonman]

Wow. I've had two letters published. Wonder what they were about?

Exciting! Are you Ian James or Peter Brockwell?; both of whom have their second entry on this outing.