2000AD The Musical! The 9th 2000AD Forum Short Story Comp.

[The Monarch]

NOTE: All songs are copyright their original writers. some words are tweaked for satire reasons...

Excerpt from Nikolai dante: Heroes be damned

INT: Dantes palace in Rudinshtein the day of his first meeting with the irregulars

Nikolai: Okay men this is it....the first meeting of the irregulars either way this war ends today.

Spatchcock: but sir I don't think we are ready for this attack at all

Flintlock: then do what you normally do you smelly little man and hide behind the captain

Spatchcock (thinking) I wish I could quit you Flintlock

Nikolai: We need to do some last minute training....

Let's get down to business
To defeat the Tsars
Did they send me dochka
When I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch
I ever met
But you can bet
Before we're through
Mister, I'll make a irregular
out of you

(Elena moves next to Dante the only member to prove she has the stuff Dante is referring to)

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within
Once you find your center
you are sure to win
You're a spineless, pale
pathetic lot

(The grozny gang try to prove dante worng of this and promptly get their arses kicked)
And you haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll make a man
out of you

Flintlock:I'm never gonna catch
my breath

Spatchcock:Say good-bye to those
who knew me

Ursa: Boy, was I a fool in school
for cutting gym

Elena: This guys got the chops to mold those fools!

Boris: Quick while his back is turned!

Foma: no fear he's as crazy as us!


ALL
(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the russian rivers!
(Be a man)
With all the force
of the imperial dreadnauts!
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of the romanov armies!

Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

Nikolai

Time is racing toward us
till the Tsars arrive
Heed my every order
and you might survive
You're unsuited for
the rage of war
So pack up, go home
you're through
How could I make a man
out of you?

ALL

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the russian rivers!
(Be a man)
With all the force
of the imperial guns!
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of the romanov armies!

Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the russian rivers!
(Be a man)
With all the force
of the imperial guns!
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of the romanov armies!

Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

I am so damn sorry for infecting that earwig of a song on you all....

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

THE MECHANISMO

A cit took a stroll through deepest darkest Meg.
A Mutie saw the cit, and the Mutie said:

"Where are you going to, thick little sucker?
Give me your wallet and your clothes, you dumb mother fucker."

"I hate to disappoint, Mutie, but no –
There's about to be a trial of Mk III Mechanismo."

"Mechanismo? What's Mechanismo?"

"Mechanismo! Why, didn't you know?   

It has terrible guns, and knows terrible laws,
And gives terrible sentences through terrible jaws."

"Where's the trial happening?"

"Now, it's on duty,
And its favourite perp is mugging mutie."

"Crumbs'! I'm off!" the Mutie said.
"Goodbye, little cit," and away he sped.

"Silly old Mutie! Doesn't he know,
Justice department abandoned Project Mechanismo?"

On went the cit through deepest darkest Meg.
An organ legger saw the cit, and the organ legger said:

"Where are you going to, thick little sucker?
I've claimed your kidneys, you dumb mother fucker."

"I hate to disappoint, Mister Legger, but no –
there's about to be a trial of Mk III Mechanismo."

"Mechanismo? What's Mechanismo?"

"Mechanismo! Why, didn't you know?
It has armoured knees, to deflect your blows,
And poisonous stumm gas it sprays from a hose."

"Where's the trial happening?"
"Here, monitored on live stream,
And its favourite perps are an organ legging team."

"It wants my team, oh no!" the 'legger said
"Goodbye, little cit," and away he fled.

"Silly old 'legger! Doesn't he know,
Justice department abandoned Project Mechanismo?"

On went the cit through deepest darkest Meg.
A rogue droid saw the cit, and the cit looked good.

"Where are you going to, thick little sucker?
I hate humes, you dumb mother fucker."

"I hate to disappoint, droid, but no –
there's about to be a trial of Mk III Mechanismo."

"Mechanismo? What's Mechanismo?"

"Mechanismo! Why, didn't you know?

Its optics are orange, its bodywork black,
It has a big bastard rifle slung on its back."

"Where's the trial happening?"
"Here, by this shuggie hall,
And it favourite perp is you, Call-Me-Paul."

"It's knows my! It's time I hid!"
"Goodbye, little cit," and away the robot slid.

"Silly old Robot! Doesn't he know,
Justice department abandoned Project Mechanism..."

...OH!"

But what's this machine that knows terrible laws?
And gives terrible sentences through terrible jaws.
It has armoured knees, to deflect your blows,
And poisonous stumm gas it sprays from a hose.
Its optics are orange, its bodywork black,
It has a big bastard rifle slung on its back.

Oh help! Oh no!
It's Mechanismo!

"Out late alone?" Mechanismo asked.
"That's incitement, and six months, before I examine your past."

"Wait!" cried the cit. "Don't throw me in a cube!
There's scarier punks in this neighbourhood.
Just walk behind me and soon you'll see,
I'll rat out better perps than me."

"All right," said Mechanismo, mounting a Lawmaster.
"You go ahead and I'll follow after."

They walked and walked till Mechanismo said,
"Audio sensors detect pneumatics in the street ahead."

"It's the droid," said the cit. "Why, Droid, hello!"
The droid took one look at Mechanismo.
"Oh crumbs!" it said, then into flames it erupted,
Rather than be re-programmed, it self-destructed.

"You see?" said the cit. "I told you so."
"Noted!" said Mechanismo.

They walked some more till Mechanismo said,
"IR sensors detect illegal operations in the street ahead."

"It's the organ legger," said the cit. "Why, 'legger, hello!"
The 'legger took one look at Mechanismo.

"Oh dear!" he said, then gave up the ghost,
And didn't struggle when attached to a holding post.

"You see?" said the cit. "I told you so."
"Recorded!" said Mechanismo.

They walked some more till Mechanismo said,
"I can hear three feet on the path ahead."

"It's Mutie," said the cit. "Why, Mutie, hello!"
The Mutie took one look at Mechanismo.
"Oh help!" he said, then there was a detonation,
A suicide bomb being preferred to the Cursed Earth or sterilisation.

"Well, Mechanismo," said the cit. "You see?
I'm a fantastic stool pigeon, me!
So let's do a deal, and you let me on my way,
And I'll report crimes, what do you say?"

"No deal, punk!" Mechanismo berated,
And quick as the wind, the cit was incarcerated.

All was quiet in deepest darkest Meg.
Remember: Justice Department gets you in the end.




With apologies to Julia Donaldson, and a million children's happy bedtimes

[Hoagy]

Okay, I was a bit ambitious and created a totally imaginary song here. Its not exactly based on any particular song.( I was thinking some crafty Thin LIzzy bassline amongst it somewhere. Anyway here's hoping it doesn't look like so much graffito I blame those two above posts. really quite inspiring. One made me glad I didn't know the original score and the other because I did.

I reckon the characters in this short would know this song as PURDEY


Volgs! Yesah we're comi' to getchyah.
Volgs! While yor scratchin' that itch
Volgs! On that itchy triggar fingah,
We come across the seas to give the police the keys to your homes..
Volgs! You were at work all the while.

Volgs! We put you to work on our mines
Volgs! And our double-yellow-lines.
Volgs! We get our kicks from beating up your old crones x
Sat in coliseum seats, pickin' the meat from your bones.
Volgs! throwin' 'em along, with the rest of your dead relatives, in a pile.

Tonight. Loving and living with the killing is simple.
Tonight. Loving and living with the killing is simple.
Vulgans on the frontline.
This is livin' the life!
Stuck in as we stole all your gold,
Watch yer backs and cross your chests people.

Its the Freedomfighters!
Its the Freedomfighters!
Its the Freedomfighters!
Its the Freedomfighters!

Volgs! Some people just don't know when they're beat.
Volgs! We're as savage as Savage can be.
Volgs! Slave trade your souls,
Your futures to the hard sell, anyone will tell you ...THE LOCALS, HATE THE
Volgs! Hey..who is that coming down the street?

onight. Loving and living with the killing is simple.
Tonight. Loving and living with the killing is simple.
Vulgans on the frontline.
This is livin' the life!
Stuck in as we stole an we sold,
Watch yer backs and cross your chests people.

Its the Freedomfighters!
Its the Freedomfighters!
Its the Freedomfighters!
Its the Freedomfighters!

Anyone who knows, someone who knows someone who knows
Don't be the one who knows someone who knows someone,
When we find that one who knows someone who knows someone who knows,

We'll gethyah!
(Volgs!)
Get Purdey out,
Shoot 'em up,
Burn the House down!
(Volgs!)
Get Purdey out,
Shoot 'em up,
Burn the House down!

Its the Freedomfighters!
Its the Freedomfighters!
Its the Freedomfighters!
Its the Freedomfighters!

It was the song we sang before a strike on those dirty Volgs. Very little heat in the tunnels even with oil drums on fire. Helped raise moral between us too. 'Cos that was the song that would eventually raise its bloodshot head at the height of the celebrations in the good old days when we first retaliated against the invaders and its still sticks around at the Christmas parties but only at the safest of houses. Like Bills. Or Jacks. Or whoevers. I dunno, to be honest I've never even seen him. I don't think anyone in our raider pack has. I think Suzie's dad met him once.

[Lady Festina]

Loving the lyrics - 2000AD The Album can't be far off....

Have stuck with prose for my first humble offering this month. I have an idea for flexing my rhyming muscles (oo er) but it'll take a while to come to life. In the meantime, I give you the following:

--

The briefing is into its third hour. Even the most dedicated judge is starting to tire of the latest tactics for clearing up the Slab.

Anderson is more exhausted than bored. Her fatigue is pervasive, an itch that won't fade, a cough that won't shift. She has barely slept in three days.

Ever louder and louder, she has been hearing the sounds of the city's minds, not one at a time but hundreds, thousands all at once, a telepathic broadcast on a scale she has never known. What freaks her out most is that all the minds are broadcasting the same message – a single piece of music.

--

"We need to bring some people in," her request was firm, the response instant. Some usual suspects were rounded up, brought in for Anderson to tune in to their individual minds. The music was inside them all..

She listened in to her colleagues too, violating a couple of codes about unpermitted psychic activity. The music was there too.  In some minds, it was quiet, a whisper, a memory; in others, it was deafening, suppressing every possibility of a thought. Relaxing into her own mind, she could hear it there too.

--

It's getting louder now, louder still. As she eavesdrops on the city, she hears more minds picking up the tune, the volume increasing. It is everywhere, like CCTV or congestion or the smell of rotten cooking oil in the slums.

-

Another day, another briefing. Anderson, darkness circling her eyes, concave shadows etched under her cheekbones, tries to listen. The music persists.

And then... it stops. Anderson, despite her exhaustion, snaps up straight in her chair. The sound of silence. It is over.

–

Outside, it is as if a switch has been flicked. The music's end is the cue for a new kind of opera, one played out with fists and knives and guns on the streets of the city. The riot is long and deep; stretching like fog across the city sprawl.

--

A week later, five judges meet in a stark expanse of office. The Council breathes a collective sigh of relief.  Order has been re-established across the city streets.

"The city riots from time to time. It has to readjust itself. Indigestion of the masses."

"What about Anderson's report?"

"The word of one woman. No-one else heard it. None of the other Psi Ops, none of their machinery. Nothing."

"It could be a warning. A signal. You know what she said. We could have just got off lightly this time."

The Chief Judge is firm, decided. "I will not put this city into a state of panic because one woman has been having.... delusions. That's an end to it."

-

Darkness has fallen over the city. The streets are silent, the curfew is a blunt but powerful weapon.

Anderson wakes in the middle of the night, sweat across her skin, sheets sticking to her bare flesh. Somewhere in her head, the distant whisper of a familiar tune. This is just the beginning, she thinks. Just the beginning.

[Alski]

Love the Gruffalo rip off/homage Dr X! 

[Alski]

My turn for a song... sung to the tune of Spandau Ballet's "Through The Barricades".

If you want to sing along, just open up this link and substitute my lyrics for the ones on screen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_-dJoYmXf4&feature=fvw


Breaking Through The Barricades


When I was a little child of nine,
I found a magazine, that made me feel so fine,
Full of thrills with not one weak,
And a Space Spinner - lost within a week

And now I know
What they were saying
With "Ro Jaws & Hammerstein"
I'm on cloud nine every Wednesday
It's 2000AD time


More than maths or history,
It was 2000AD, that set my young mind free,
I'd read it on the way to school,
And write on textboooks that "2000AD ROOLZ!"

And though I know,
Quite sincerely,
It'll never get me laid,
Im like Savage on a Sherman,
Driving through a barricade,


Thirty three years down the line,
I still get my thrills, on paper and online,
I dream of Dredd I'm asleep,
And wake up the wife, by shouting out "Freeze creep!"

Now I know, what she's saying,
When she talks about a divorce,
But she can't hold it against me,
Cos she likes Inspector Morse,


Through my life it's always been there,
There's a place inside my heart, filled again and again,
When I see Tharg The Mighty's face, I'm taken to a beautiful place,
Filled with thrills and spills and chills, Oh I hope I never escape,

D.R, Quinch and Robo Hunter,
A.B.C Warriors, Shako and Ace Trucking Co,
Kingdom, Skizz and Mean Machine,
You'll always be with me, and I'll never let you go,

Yeah we all know, that the future,
is a bright and beautiful place,
Except for wars and muties,
And of course Old Stoney Face,

And I know, It's a bargain,
For two pounds (in Earth money),
My life would be a wasteland,
... Without 2000 AD

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Just noticed I cut and paste the wrong word doc. This has a couple of errors corrected. If a friendly admin wants to delete my earlier post, hunky dory. Otherwise, please use this in the voting thread. Ta muchly.

THE MECHANISMO

A cit took a stroll through deepest darkest Meg.
A Mutie saw the cit, and the Mutie said:

"Where are you going to, thick little sucker?
Give me your wallet and your clothes, you dumb mother fucker."

"I hate to disappoint, Mutie, but no –
There's about to be a trial of Mk III Mechanismo."

"Mechanismo? What's Mechanismo?"

"Mechanismo! Why, didn't you know?   

It has terrible guns, and knows terrible laws,
And gives terrible sentences through terrible jaws."

"Where's the trial happening?"

"Now, it's on duty,
And its favourite perp is mugging mutie."

"Crumbs'! I'm off!" the Mutie said.
"Goodbye, little cit," and away he sped.

"Silly old Mutie! Doesn't he know,
Justice department abandoned Project Mechanismo?"

On went the cit through deepest darkest Meg.
An organ legger saw the cit, and the organ legger said:

"Where are you going to, thick little sucker?
I've claimed your kidneys, you dumb mother fucker."

"I hate to disappoint, Mister Legger, but no –
there's about to be a trial of Mk III Mechanismo."

"Mechanismo? What's Mechanismo?"

"Mechanismo! Why, didn't you know?
It has armoured knees, to deflect your blows,
And poisonous stumm gas it sprays from a hose."

"Where's the trial happening?"
"Here, monitored on live stream,
And its favourite perps are an organ legging team."

"It wants my team, oh no!" the 'legger said
"Goodbye, little cit," and away he fled.

"Silly old 'legger! Doesn't he know,
Justice department abandoned Project Mechanismo?"

On went the cit through deepest darkest Meg.
A rogue droid saw the cit, and the cit looked good.

"Where are you going to, thick little sucker?
I hate humes, you dumb mother fucker."

"I hate to disappoint, droid, but no –
there's about to be a trial of Mk III Mechanismo."

"Mechanismo? What's Mechanismo?"

"Mechanismo! Why, didn't you know?

Its optics are orange, its bodywork black,
It has a big bastard rifle slung on its back."

"Where's the trial happening?"
"Here, by this shuggie hall,
And it favourite perp is you, Call-Me-Paul."

"It's knows my name! It's time I hid!"
"Goodbye, little cit," and away the robot slid.

"Silly old Robot! Doesn't he know,
Justice department abandoned Project Mechanism..."

...OH!"

But what's this machine that knows terrible laws?
And gives terrible sentences through terrible jaws.
It has armoured knees, to deflect your blows,
And poisonous stumm gas it sprays from a hose.
Its optics are orange, its bodywork black,
It has a big bastard rifle slung on its back.

Oh help! Oh no!
It's Mechanismo!

"Out late alone?" Mechanismo asked.
"That's incitement, and six months, before I examine your past."

"Wait!" cried the cit. "Don't throw me in a cube!
There's scarier punks in this neighbourhood.
Just walk behind me and soon you'll see,
I'll rat out better perps than me."

"All right," said Mechanismo, mounting a Lawmaster.
"You go ahead and I'll follow after."

They walked and walked till Mechanismo said,
"Audio sensors detect pneumatics in the street ahead."

"It's the droid," said the cit. "Why, Droid, hello!"
The droid took one look at Mechanismo.
"Oh crumbs!" it said, then into flames it erupted,
Rather than be re-programmed, it self-destructed.

"You see?" said the cit. "I told you so."
"Noted!" said Mechanismo.

They walked some more till Mechanismo said,
"IR sensors detect illegal operations in the street ahead."

"It's the organ legger," said the cit. "Why, 'legger, hello!"
The 'legger took one look at Mechanismo.

"Oh dear!" he said, then gave up the ghost,
And didn't struggle when attached to a holding post.

"You see?" said the cit. "I told you so."
"Recorded!" said Mechanismo.

They walked some more till Mechanismo said,
"System error: three feet on the path ahead."

"It's Mutie," said the cit. "Why, Mutie, hello!"
The Mutie took one look at Mechanismo.
"Oh help!" he said, then there was a detonation,
A suicide bomb being preferred to the Cursed Earth or sterilisation.

"Well, Mechanismo," said the cit. "You see?
I'm a fantastic stool pigeon, me!
So let's do a deal, and you let me on my way,
And I'll report crimes, what do you say?"

"No deal, punk!" Mechanismo berated,
And quick as the wind, the cit was incarcerated.

All was quiet in deepest darkest Meg.
Remember: Justice Department gets you in the end.




With apologies to Julia Donaldson, and a million children's happy bedtimes

[Lady Festina]

Still haven't written a song, but here's another wee story for y'all :-)

Brought to you exclusively by Mega City One's own celebrity magazine: SPRAY
They say it, we spray it!

The Mega City Minute:

Our sixty second interview with multigender musical marvel Bennett Beeny!

Who can forget the SHOCK we all felt when Bennett Beeny was tragically shot in the throat, depriving him of his beautiful voice? But now the shock has turned to DELIGHT for us all as Benny's back on stage and ready with a new album. Not only that, but his BOYISH charm has given way to WOMANLY allure. SPRAY spent sixty seconds in Benny's company – here's what he had to say:

Spray: Benny, welcome back! It's great to see you looking so fabulous. And so SLIM! How are you adjusting to the new body?

Benny: Who are you? What Magazine? Look, do I have to? Oh, I do? Contractual obligation? OK. Sorry, what was the question?

Spray: How are you adjusting to the new body?

Benny: Obviously, it's been difficult. Thinking I could never sing again, the grief of losing someone very close to me. Then I got my gift of music back and realised I should use it carefully. No more silly songs, I should use my music to communicate powerful truths about our society...

Spray: Any powerful truths about your new pampering regime?

Benny: Pampering? I'm talking about freedom here. I'm talking about our rights. I'm not talking about moisturiser. I'm talking about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness....

Spray: And what better way to pursue happiness than in those amazing shoes, Benny? Are you getting used to them?

Benny: Actually, I am.... But that's not the point....

Spray: Our readers are VERY EXCITED about your new album. What's it all about?

Benny: It's about the tyrannies we all face every day. It's about breaking free of the shackles of society, of hierarchy, of so-called law and order. It's about every man, woman and child having the right to live their life the way they want. In freedom.

Spray: Sounds like a change of tone. When will fun Benny be back for the fans?

Benny: Fun Benny's dead and gone. There are more important things now.

Spray: More important than fun??!! Listen, Benny, the Big Question now, the one that's on everyone's lips: are you looking for Ms Right? Or is it Mr Right??

Benny: I lost the one woman I ever truly loved. I lost the music that was my life. Now both are alive together in this body. It's a miracle. And it's an opportunity that I won't let slip. I will cherish her memory and fight for her beliefs for as long as....


Time's up!! That's our Mega City Minute with Bennett Beeny over in a flash! Remember folks, Benny's a funny guy, always joking around. Some of you might find  his new material – all these one liners about freedom and rights – a bit confusing. But don't worry, he's only kidding! And if you're not sure if you get it, just put a call into City Hall and they'll send someone right along to explain everything for you.

SPRAY Magazine: They say it, we spray it!

[Alski]

lolz

[Christov]

Somebody please tell me this is still open.

[locustsofdeath!]

You've got until 18:00 on the 15th....get to it, sir.

[Lady Festina]

So, I should be working right now, but I promised you boys a song, and a song you shall have. If you haven't figured out the tune in the first four lines, hang your head in shame. And the bits in italics are audience participation ;-)



Is this the real life?
Is this just genocide?
Ten dead by lunchtime
So much death, so much homicide
I open my eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy
With quite good dentistry
Because I'm easy kill, easy maim
Little thrill, little blame
Any way the end comes
Doesn't really matter to me, to me

Sisters, I just killed a man
It was an awful lot of fun
Think I'll kill another one
Sisters, life had just begun
But now I think I'll go another way
Sisters, ooh
Won't you help me make them die
There's killing to be done before tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, on the road to total justice

Too late, your time has come
I'll send tremors down your spine
Body's breaking all the time
Goodbye, everybody
You've got to go
Don't you know the crime is life, the sentence death
People, oooooooh 
You know it's time to die
I'll make you wish you'd never been born at all

[Author's note: OK, here goes...]

I am a psychopathic shadow of a man
Nausea, Phobia, will you do your dark magic?
Fear and Fire and Mortis, are you ready for this spree?
(Mega City) Mega City (Mega City) Mega City, Mega City down you go
To hell you go-o-o-o-o-o
I'm just a poor boy, son of a dentist
He's just a poor boy, good oral hygiene
Spare us our lives from this monstrosity

Dreadful Death, Fearful Death, will you let us go?
This cursed earth! No, I will not let you go
Let us go
This cursed earth! I will not let you go
Let us go
This cursed earth! I will not let you go
Let us go (Will not let you go)
Let us go (Will not let you go) (Never, never, never, never)
Let us go, o, o, o, o
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Oh Darkest Judges, Darkest Judges) Darkest Judges, 'way you go
Necropolis, the great city has arrived, go me! go me! yeay me!

[Swing your hair!]

So you think you can catch me and lock me away
So you're thinking that I didn't plan for this day
Oh, baby, bye bye Las Vegas, baby
I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna get right out of here

[Do your own guitar solo, you know you want to]

Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me

'cept for Mrs Gunderson.....


[I'll get my coat]

[uncle fester]

*Applause*! 

[Van Dom]

Hell yeah!!!! I was singing along with that Lady F! Awesome!

[El Chivo]

Magic, Lady F!