The Black Dog Thread

[Jade Falcon]

That might be true, but the preliminary probe was bad enough albeit without sedation because of the laxative not working and I really don't think I want the same doctor as I have no confidence in him.  I just have an irrational fear of hospitals.

Even the prior preparation was bad enough, the laxative drink was vile and I had to go in without eating anything, come the actual time I was famished and felt nauseous.

[Tjm86]

I just have an irrational fear of hospitals.

Sorry, given the utter incompetence of so many in the medical profession I'm going to call you on this.  Fearing hospitals / doctors who can cause so much pain / damage is anything but irrational.  I've seen so much damage / harm done by those with that qualification it doesn't bear thinking about.

On the flip side, assuming that that level of incompetence is universal is a little different.  One thing I've learnt over the years is that nurses are a far better bet for any form of test.  If it involves piercing skin, even more so.

This is speaking as someone who passes out under the wrong circumstances with needles.  Yet nurses have a 100% track record of taking blood / vaccinations without my lateral inversion.  If anyone needs to stab me for any reason I will always ask for a nurse.

Mind you, I've an irrational fear of people in particular and take pretty much any comment as criticism so maybe I'm not best placed to comment.

[Rara Avis]

Jade apologies for the delayed response - how are you doing?

[Jade Falcon]

I (reluctantly) the other day set an appointment for a second colonoscopy.  What I REALLY didn't like was the constant badgering on the phone of "So you don't want it?" or "Do you want it" without giving you a chance to even breath.  I finally said that No, I didn't WANT it, but it was a case of needing it.

Meanwhile I'd had to get an ultrasound on my liver and blood tests.  The ultrasound was quick and no bother, the blood tests less so because I've got deep veins.  Finally the results came through as clear and apparently I dont have to go for the second colonoscopy now.

I'm still feeling really down emotionally though, just a constant feeling of real hopelessness in life.  I can't seem to concentrate on much.  I've decided to do a clear out of DVD's that I picked up dirt cheap from the charity shops because there's no way I'll get the chance to watch them all and I can't seem to find the mood.

[Rara Avis]

That's great news about the colonoscopy! I'm glad to hear you won't have to go through that again.

Depression is such a universal experience and yet so unique for each person who experiences it.

If I recall correctly you don't want to go down the medication route and your local NHS doesn't provide good support services for mental health issues.

What would help?

[JayzusB.Christ]

Good news on the physical issues. Hope this will clear a path to work on the mental ones.   If it's any help at all, and it may not be, I was part of an online International cbt group till last year and got loads out of it. It's still going on every Saturday afternoon and it's free - pm me if you want to get in touch with them. I found the techniques used far more helpful than most therapists I paid through the nose for.

On a slightly different topic, one thing I personally have been finding very helpful lately is the CBT concept of action coming before motivation.  Which means that I'm not doing what I used to do and waiting for the right mood to do some cbt homework but just doing it when I don't feel like it.

Another thing I've been doing is just minimising my commitment to 5 minutes,  with CBT or anything else.if I feel like doing more, great, but if I don't , I've still fulfilled my goal.

Not saying this in an attempt to help anyone, just filling you all in on my own progress.

[Funt Solo]

I like that idea of a five minute commitment, JB - getting started on things is often a stumbling block for me.

[JayzusB.Christ]

I like that idea of a five minute commitment, JB - getting started on things is often a stumbling block for me.

Me too... I've procrastinated things for over 20 years in fact.  Hopefully this will help me get things done.   It doesn't have to be time periods, it can be steps (turn on my computer / put on my running shoes etc).

[Tjm86]

No, time blocking is something I find really useful too.  I tend to use my countdown timer quite a bit to help with it.

It's strange how useless therapists can be at times.  Something we've mentioned quite a few times over the years IIRC.  Even when they draw on the same set of techniques from CBT (but please, no 'mindfulness' ... chewing a raisin to death does nothing for me ...)

A couple of approaches that have grown out of CBT that I've found helpful are DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).  DBT has a handy set of resources for dealing with split thinking / catastrophising for instance.  ACT has techniques that can help with 'surges', something I find really helpful for avoiding 'the cascade' as I call it (you know, start feeling a bit wobbly ... something 'unhelpful happens' ... anxiety starts to spike ... start getting manic / reactive ... light blue touch paper and stand well back ...)

As for support groups ... strange as it sounds, this place is the best I've come across ...

[JayzusB.Christ]

As for support groups ... strange as it sounds, this place is the best I've come across ...

It's fecking brilliant alright.

As far as mindfulness goes - yeah, my experiences have been quite similar.  Meditation is clearly a good mental exercise but it does not get rid of the underlying beliefs that cause negative thoughts, which in turn cause depression and anxiety.

I've harped on ad nauseum about it before, but Dr David Burns' version of CBT is the only kind of self-help that has ever worked for me.  I got into it through his podcast ('Feeling Good') - thought it was just more trite shite at first but stuck with it and slowly began to understand what he was doing.  When I actually bought one of his books and did the exercises, it did the trick far quicker and more effectively than the fairly dire therapist I was paying for at the time.  It was through his stuff that I found the online group.

If nothing else, a book costs less than 1% of a course of therapy, and the podcasts are free.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Some unexpectedly brilliant mental health advice here. (Not all of it of course).

https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2022/04/27/whats-the-weirdest-advice-youve-heard-that-is-strangely-effective-30-proper-game-changers/

[Jade Falcon]

Depression seems to be getting worse again.  I have an old 2006 VW Golf, a couple of months ago I spent a bit trying to solve water leakage problems that were coming into the drivers and passengers front footwell.  Now, it's back, making me feel that the money spent was a total waste.

Add to that I just feel down.  I started going to a local church after going to a jobclub being run from there.  I got friendly with a woman there, and a few times offered to give her a lift home when she had missed her bus or the weather wasn't great.  I wasn't trying to come on to her and I said that basically I just wanted some friendship (she has a boyfriend anyway), but now, I seem to be getting the cold shoulder or maybe I'm just imagining it.

I'm not really particularly enjoying the voluntary work at the hospice, to be honest I miss the book shop, both browsing in it and working in it because I'm such a book nerd.  I'm still REALLY pissed about being banned unjustly.  I can't seem to focus my mind on anything very easily, and although I've read a few graphic novels I can't seem to focus on any of my actual fiction novels.  There's an art club apparently going to start but not till autumn this year and every day is just empty and meaningless.

Still finding it very hard to get a proper sleep pattern.  I don't think there would be much point going to the doctors as I imagine the first thing offered would be sleeping pills, which on top of all I take anyway is just not desirable.  I just find existence meaningless and if I could find a quick way out tomorrow would probably elect for it.

[Tjm86]

Must be something in the air, Jade.  I had a meltdown yesterday on the way in to work (trying again, had a few good weeks ...) and had to pull over the car.  Even then I couldn't bring it back down, certainly not enough to risk a day in work.  In the end I managed to fetch in and told them I'd been sick on the way in (kind of true ...) so they sent me home.

So, it's very easy to understand how you feel about the book shop situation.  That's not the sort of thing you shake off easily, especially as it was something that gave you so much.  It might also explain why you're sensitive to the way this lass has been behaving.  Even if it is nothing and you're seeing things through the lens of your experiences, it's still difficult.

Churches can be funny places, too.  They're incredibly open to new faces to start off with at times.  Everyone is almost effusive in their greetings.  Then you become a familiar face and there's almost a sense of "job done" but where do you fit?  In some respects that's when you find out how genuinely welcome the place is.  Not to mention finding out how many members have as many problems as yourself!

I know you say that the docs are probably not going to be much use going back to (or even getting an appointment with right now ...) but given the symptoms you describe it might be worth it.  I know that the last time I started making some of the comments you've included here I was told that this came under their heading of crisis even though I didn't think so myself.

In the meantime though could you please keep checking in here?  Just so we can support you through this.  Remember, we're crap at advice, don't have the first clue about how to manage mental health problems (mis-management ... now that we're experts at!) are about as medically qualified as barber surgeons and are prone to off-the-wall jokes that are about as amusing as watching Nadine Dorries gazing longingly at Johnson (okay, that is funny in a rather disturbing kind of way).

What we can do though is be here for you.  Lend an ear.  Help you sift through thoughts if you want.  Talk complete and utter crap.  Argue the minutae of Dredd until your brain oozes  out of your ears.  Whatever ...

Take care, pal.

[Dark Jimbo]

In the meantime though could you please keep checking in here?  Just so we can support you through this.  Remember, we're crap at advice, don't have the first clue about how to manage mental health problems (mis-management ... now that we're experts at!) are about as medically qualified as barber surgeons and are prone to off-the-wall jokes that are about as amusing as watching Nadine Dorries gazing longingly at Johnson (okay, that is funny in a rather disturbing kind of way).

What we can do though is be here for you.  Lend an ear.  Help you sift through thoughts if you want.  Talk complete and utter crap.  Argue the minutae of Dredd until your brain oozes  out of your ears.  Whatever ...

Take care, pal.

Very much this. I don't have any solutions to offer for anything, but please feel that you always have a place here to vent, or complain, or just dump a load of feelings. I may not comment much, but I do read, and I do sympathise, for whatever little that is worth.

[Tjm86]

Okay, so I'm not going to go with my usual round of garbage here.  Or maybe it is.  What I mean is that I just want to recount a few things and see where they lead.

So, the last decade has been 'interesting' to say the least, what with trying to get to grips with legacy issues and all.  This has led to total burnout, an imploding career and unemployment.  Fortunately the latter was on the heels of a relatively generous redundancy offer that for some strange reason my erstwhile employer did not want to acknowledge as 'redundancy' (perhaps they should have thought about that before putting it in writing but hey ho ...).

An offer from another employer seemed to offer hope but 8 months on it turned out that 'vetting' turned me down.  So of a sudden it was back to being totally f*****.  Trying to find alternative employment at this age has turned out to be a bit more of a challenge.  Consequently a return to the 'career' that has led to this impasse was called for (teaching).

First attempt worked okay until another burnout situation.  Needed to walk before implosion.

Second attempt led to 'underemployment'  (tip:  don't try working as a TA when you've got teaching experience ...)  Okay for a while until the 'cost of living crisis' escalated.

Third attempt is still ongoing.  Shift from secondary to primary (including nursery and infants).  To say that the kids are carrying baggage is to be generous in the extreme.  Current school's response was "what, you want to come back?" which was a little disturbing to say the least.  To say that some of the classes I've been working with are 'interesting' is more than a little generous.

What I find myself reflecting on more than anything is how much I've learnt in such a short space of time.  Today I was accused of being "the most understanding teacher" a child had encountered.  Baffling to say the least.  The difference that being considered an utter failure makes though ... It is liberating to be able to focus on the kids needs, knowing that no-one has any positive opinion about me.  I'm a supply teacher.  If the kids aren't killing each other that's a bonus (and yes I know how disturbing that idea is).  I find myself reflecting on a line from Band of Brothers about a soldier needing to accept that they are dead ...

Something about our culture is fundamentally wrong.  Always having to 'improve' but within a very narrow set of parameters.  I would say that I utterly failed as a teacher today on one level but massively succeeded on another level as a human being.  Which one is more important?