The Black Dog Thread

[The Legendary Shark]

Being human.

I know a guy with no teaching experience who charges twenty quid an hour for one-on-one maths and physics tutoring. The pandemic worked out for some folk, it seems...

[Funt Solo]

Something about our culture is fundamentally wrong.  Always having to 'improve' but within a very narrow set of parameters.  I would say that I utterly failed as a teacher today on one level but massively succeeded on another level as a human being.  Which one is more important?

Teaching (or just, working in a school) I find to be continually challenging and confounding. There are just so many parameters to consider. The other day one of my students was doubled over in pain - turned out they were hunger pangs - they'd had no breakfast or lunch. I'm trying to teach them complex computer interactions - they're starving. What is success now?

[Hawkmumbler]

Well. You guys know me, but I'll start from the bottom.

My names Zac, and I'm a functioning alcoholic.

My case isn't nearly as bad as some folks out there, but its a demon on my back nonetheless. And I want it gone.

[Funt Solo]

A close member of my family is also a functioning alcoholic - a conclusion they came to after a chat with their doctor. And then a close friend of the family is also a functioning alcoholic. They're both at different stages - one has accepted it and is on the wagon, and one doesn't accept it and isn't.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Well. You guys know me, but I'll start from the bottom.

My names Zac, and I'm a functioning alcoholic.

My case isn't nearly as bad as some folks out there, but its a demon on my back nonetheless. And I want it gone.

Could you give us a few more details?  Think I'm not a million miles away myself. Things got a wee bit out of hand during lockdown but I've reined it in a lot since.

[Hawkmumbler]

Well. I can go days and weeks without a drink really, my habit is nowhere near as bad as it once was. But that has only served to highlight my relationship with the dram, its use as a social crutch, the 'oh, its been a rough day, time for a six pack' mentality. Thing is back when I worked hospitality I could sort of twistedly justify it, that job DROVE me to the bottle to tolerate the horrid quality of life. These days i'm on a steady work schedule, that I can plan a day around, and that makes the occasional lapse into excess drinking for a week or two at a time feel that much more embarrassing. What good is it being lucid two weeks of the month when you're getting black out drunk two or three times a week for the other two weeks of the month? Its still a bad relationship to have, and one I don't see being conducive with where I am and where I want to go in life.

So it's me or the bottle, and oh that drought, but I'm backing myself in this matter.

[JayzusB.Christ]

I get you now.  Me, I'm more a beer of an evening type, though it's pretty much every evening.  Might even have another, or a whiskey to chase it down.   But during lockdown, there was barely an evening I didn't go to bed at least a bit shitfaced, so things are a lot better now.  I'm back doing martial arts, which is a good reason not to be hungover and tired, so I've been on the relative straight and narrow.

But the good thing is you're calling it out for what it is.  My mate's uncle used to drink twelve pints of Guinness every night.  His sister, who he lived with, refused to entertain the notion that he might be an alcoholic - Alcoholics to her were homeless dropouts, and her brother ran a successful small business. It caught up with him, of course, and he died before his time.

[Funt Solo]

In either the case of bereavement or terrible news (in this case, a close relative with a terminal cancer diagnosis), I find myself at a loss. Everything I can think of to say seems trite and ill-fitting, and often I end up unable to say anything.

You know you have those people who seem to be able to give off-the-cuff speeches at family occasions, or know exactly what to say when news is bad - I seem to be the polar opposite of that. Like Mr. Glass to Bruce Willis's David Dunn.

---

Also, coincidentally, I'm catastrophizing - which I recognize is my mental health struggling. It's that whole "they'd be better off without me" idea. I know what it is. I'm just feeling low. Things will pick up. It's the end of semester, my birthday was disappointing - my ego got bruised. When I start to spiral, I want to avoid bringing that negativity to others, so then I start to separate - which reinforces the notion of removal.

Anyway, blah. 

[Tjm86]

Given that I quite often suffer from "Foot-in-mouth" disease, I tend to exercise extreme caution when someone discloses a bereavement.  A simple "Oh, I'm sorry.  How are you doing?" tends to be quite a safe way to handle the flow of such conversations and point in the direction of any appropriate follow up. 

Sorry to hear that you're not having the best time of things right now either, Funt.  Know what you mean about crap birthdays.  TBH I find them hard / annoying.  Then again I think that is the legacy of boarding school when a birthday was the perfect opportunity to really f*** you over (well, a bit of a special reason ... not like some of the bar-stewards ever really needed a reason ...)  Has caused disagreements in the past.

Can also relate to catastrophising and isolating.  Particularly when the cascade kicks in.  Hope you are able to ride it out and we catch you on the flip side.

[Mister Pops]

My condolences Mister Funt. At the risk of sounding patronizing, it seems to me that your reaction to this shite thing that happened is perfectly valid and it's good that you're confronting it. There's no right way to grieve.

[JayzusB.Christ]

I'm sorry to hear it too, Funt.  I'm a fucking disaster too when it comes to saying the right thing in situations like that.  I still cringe at my last words to my late best mate, who was coherent but no longer responsive - I can't remember exactly what I said but it just wasn't good enough. 

[The Legendary Shark]

My condolences Mister Funt. At the risk of sounding patronizing, it seems to me that your reaction to this shite thing that happened is perfectly valid and it's good that you're confronting it. There's no right way to grieve.

Most definitely this.

For more than half of my life I've been of the feeling that grief is mostly self-pity in that I won't have this person in my life any more, which is a perfectly valid feeling. It must be balanced, though, with the feeling of joy that I was privileged enough to have had this person in my life at all. Of course, one can't very well start proselytizing this opinion to grieving relatives and so I tend to be just as awkward as most other people in such situations - stumbling through expressions of sympathy which, although heartfelt, seem little more than inadequate platitudes.

[Rara Avis]

It's that whole "they'd be better off without me" idea.

You don't get to make that decision for other people.

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Try to practice kindness and patience towards yourself.

And there's no right thing to say in these circumstances so don't beat yourself up kiddo!

[Funt Solo]

Thanks all ... it helps to be able to spout in a safe space.

[Rara Avis]

I'm a big believer in routine and exercise. Find some that works for you.