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Author Topic: The Letters Beast - Online!  (Read 41740 times)

Funt Solo

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #225 on: 17 March, 2022, 05:50:19 PM »
This does rather expose the point that Buttonman has been somewhat remiss in not providing us with LETTERSENTERTAINYOU REDUX, in which he hilariously examines the letters of yesteryear.
++ map ++ thrills ++ coma ++

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #226 on: 22 March, 2022, 09:50:40 PM »
If you delve into the past of this thread and its forbearers many of the creator's letters have been displayed. Alas many fell foul of the Photobucket demand for cash! They can all be found in the Online Beast - Link in the first post of this thread.

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #227 on: 22 March, 2022, 09:56:35 PM »

In tribute to current Dredd thrill ‘The Citadel’ Lettersentertainyou brings you ‘The Postbox’ a fast paced adventure that will bring thrills and excitement and no shortage of surprises. It has already been hailed as the best LETTERSENTERTAINYOU ever - even better than that lettuce themed one if anyone remembers that? No? Well it had letters based lettuce puns and they were just the tip of the iceberg.

We’ll get to the excitement of ‘The Postbox’ soon, but we have of course our contractual commitment to address, namely having a look at the letters printed in Prog 2274. This means we’ve only had two fallow weeks between letters pages and it either means that Tharg is ramping up the letters quotient or that ad for the Swansea Comic Con fell through at the last minute.

Our trip to ‘The Postbox’ begins with the excitement palpable. We don our Skechers and head out into the dark foreboding morning. But wait; we’ve forgot to bring that Mother’s day card  that we need to post - I’ll just nip back and get it.

The letters page starts off with the Letter of the Week which is from first time writer Pat Draper of Nottingham. I wonder if he bought a second class return to get there? It’s curtains for Mr Draper early on as he goes down  a themed path that can bring joy to no one. “‘The Citadel’ is actually a tune by The Rolling Stones” he offers and proceeds to pepper his letter with random songs that make no sense and are shoe-horned in mercilessly.

The Stones song isn’t even called ‘The Citadel’, it’s just ‘Citadel’. ‘The Citadel’ is actually a novel by A.J. Cronin so if Pat was looking for a correct theme he could have said  ‘My ‘Three Loves’ (1932) in the Prog are ‘The Keys to the KINGDOM’ (1941), JUDGE ‘CHILD of Compassion’ (1940) and ’Enchanted SNOW/TIGER’ (1941) . It wouldn’t be funny or make any sense but at least it would be accurate!

With Mum’s card in hand we’re ready to head to The Postbox and the adventures we will no doubt find there. But buggeration, the cat’s puked on the sofa and that’s going to stain. Just give me two minutes…

Next up is familiar face Tristan ‘Fourmile’ Louth’ of Essex who ‘scores’ his 20th letter with this offering. Tris, can I call you Tris?, was first spotted way back in Prog 1002 in 1996 and he consolidates his 15th spot on the all time Beast scoreboard with this effort. He is now only one letter behind old, and we mean old, stager Tom Proudfoot. Tris hails from Chelmsford and has a Prog to Meg ratio of 13:7.

Tris’ letter is a throwaway birthday message and he says Tharg has almost had as many years beyond 2000ad as he’s had before it. Not really true there Tris and you are stealing the thunder of someone who had that nugget planned for the 46th birthday Prog. Never mind, at least he sounds jolly despite that terrible Walter the Wobot idea.

OK, we’re ready to roll, and roll we shall - towards excitement. I just need to set the video for ‘Bargain Hunt’ though, so if you could just bear with me - the trip to The Postbox will be worth it - guaranteed!

In middle place we have Jon Hymus of email. Literally nothing to work with here. No other ‘Hymus’es  and too many Jon, Johnny and Jonathans to be bothered with. It is Jon’s first letter though and we’re glad to have him. Or are we?

Jon starts with the tired old ‘mighty organ’ line. If he likes poor vaguely sexual puns he’s going to be called ‘Hymen’ from now on. Jon is enthusiastic and gives Tharg a chance to plug his encyclopaedia despite pointing out major omissions.

With the jacket on and the door open we are heading to The Postbox (can you see where this is going yet?) but it’s recycling day and someone has put the plastics in the paper bin. I just need to sort this out. Be there in a jiff…

Tharg clearly likes American things now as we get two letters from the colonies to finish out the page. Both are new scribes with the first being the pairing of Heavy and Johnny. They have not teamed up before, to the Beast’s knowledge, although we do have several pieces of reader art along the lines of ‘Tharg the Heavy Rocker’ (Prog 182), ‘Heavy Duty Riot Droid’ (Prog 202) and ‘He must have had a heavy night on the sauce’ - the rest of them.

The surprise here is that it took two people to write the letter which mentions ‘The Cursed Earth’ twice inside the first paragraph. With their ‘A’ material used up the lads discuss how they have bonded and enjoy a good fight over the Prog - it’s a lovely tale, well until they break out the guns over  who likes Proteus Vex the most. They also want a return to ‘Red Road’ a desire the residents of Springburn would no doubt offer up to them, no questions asked.

OK. The door is locked and the path to The Postbox is clear. Excitement rises as this highly anticipated encounter draws close. It’s bound to be worth the wait; but did we put off the cooker after heating our Super Noodles? Best check…

We close out with the webslinger himself Eddie Webb of Stateside USA. Eddie is another first timer, but one who joins a website of Webbed people who now number 9. The first was Anton back in Prog 95 in 1979 and the last, before Eddie, was Jennifer of Carshalton in Prog 1100.

Eddy was timid about subscribing but is now glad that he did. He sees art imitating life as his hearing implant may soon be closed down by the corporations. Actually it’s a failing corporation that’s his problem so maybe we should be supporting our industry titans? Hope it all works out Eddy and you hear all of the cheers our big denouement is bound to attract.

With the letters sorted it’s time to face… The Postbox. Ah shit we’re out of time. Five steps to get there and we’ve only just arrived!

Loving ‘The Citadel’ too!

Proudhuff

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #228 on: 23 March, 2022, 11:44:31 AM »
phew! what a scorcher comrade!
DDT did a job on me

norton canes

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #229 on: 24 March, 2022, 09:10:59 AM »
You're really pushing the envelope with this one

sheridan

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #230 on: 24 March, 2022, 07:08:05 PM »
We will keep broadcasting for as long as possible and start off with the Letter of the Week from Prog 2271 from Sean McFedries of Irvine. We know Irvine - they have a sports centre named after an ice lolly - that’s the kind of knowledge you don’t get from our better read, would be overlords.

Had to look that up - apparently the Magnum Centre closed five years ago!

In the process of finding that out, I came across the following:

Best time to visit: May-Oct

Estimated cost: £666 for 2-day trip

Suggested itinerary: 2 days in Irvine




Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #231 on: 25 March, 2022, 10:54:03 PM »


Had to look that up - apparently the Magnum Centre closed five years ago!


Stop being so temporal - the once and forever Magnum Centre exists in the minds of all who had their lunch money taken from them in its shady halls!

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #232 on: 18 May, 2022, 12:55:43 PM »

Annnd we’re back once again, but we can’t stop unfortunately as there is some football match happening later and we need to get the rubber sheeting down. Not to worry, it looks like a run of the mill letters page. Yeah, normal, not much to see …Whoa! Hold the press!

We start off the Prog 2282 letters in the company of the only first time writer on display this week. Of course that means that Alistair Jeffreys of Ipswich secures the Letter of the week berth. This is only the 19th letter to see print from The Tractor Boys and they are a long way behind eternal rivals Norwich who boast 68. 31 of these are from Michael Crouch but they are still taking a kicking, even with Mr Sofa’s contribution discounted. The top Ipswich writer is Simon Hedge on two - he may have written more but has possibly set them to privet.

Alistair’s letter is a nice love letter to the Prog with ‘Brink’, the Dredd and Dylan Teague all being lauded. It’s all a happy event until Tharg goes and mentions ‘Skip Tracer’ and ruins the vibe!

Next up it’s the 18th time we’ve used our ‘Browning version’ joke so that must mean it’s the latest missive from Chris Browning of Todmorden. This effort rockets Chris up The Beast leader board to the heady heights of 16th equal. Chris has an uneven 15/3 Prog to Meg split and only has one Letter of the Week trophy to call his own. He is consistent and has had at least one letter in the Prog for every year since 2015, his last being in 2021’s Prog 2252.

Chris likes the Prog and its power to allow him to escape from a senseless world. He enjoys most thrills but doesn’t like the realistic art in ‘Hope’. We hope he finds an escape from this stark reality soon, and suggest he speaks to the man in the park by the swings, if he wants to zone out entirely!

Off to the Orient now in the company of Chris Doherty of Japan. There have been 74 letters with ‘Japan’ given as the address in Tharg’s publications with a Mr Kermode claiming 59 of those - his remaining offerings came from ‘Tokyo’, ‘Australia’ and the exotic realm of ‘email’. This is Chris’ 4th letter, his first being back in 2010 where he treated us to his ‘Dredd hat’. He then took a long sabbatical before delivering a quick one-two in Progs 2234 and 2242 in 2021.

Chris starts poorly with his letter opening of “first off” - what else would it be? Thirdly? Chris describes his life as ‘monotonous’ and  ‘boring’ - he should try living in Paisley! He then asks for an extended series about hamsters making us wonder if he got to the man in the park first? The letter reads like random thoughts being dragged out with no narrative flow or cohesion. We hate that. Lemon tart for lunch. Wonder if Roofe will start…

Next to last is our old pal Tristan ‘Fourmile’ Louth of Chelmsford who earns his 21st Beast entry with this offering his second of 2022 following his Prog 2274 debut. This score takes him up the charts to 14th=, a tie with old (and we mean very old) stager Tom Proudfoot. Tristan was first seen in 1996’s Prog 1002 in 1996.

Tristan gives Tharg the chance to promote his social media offerings with an offer of thanks to the droid concerned. Tristan piles up his Progs and doesn’t want spoilers to stories that he has yet to read. That’s fine for the rest of us too then! Some people read every week and like to see how things are developing. If Tristan had his way there would just be a holding page saying ‘Coming soon : Dan Dare’. At least Tharg doesn’t go down his usual route of warning about thrill power overloads and  just plugs his merch instead.

Last up is the familiar face of Stephen Watson of Paisley who secures his 102nd Beast credit with this offering. This is actually significant (!) as it means he now has 51 in both the Meg and the Prog. That’s certainly one in the eye for those who say Meg letters are easier due to the Bishop deluge of the 90’s. The longstanding Prog record of 53 is now in Watson’s sights and in an exclusive interview with this organ he said “Please can I stop soon, I’m very tired” Watson’s letters footprint is now a massive 34 years and he doesn’t consider it a wasted life at all.

His letter here is a heartfelt eulogy to Garry Leach and Tharg was kind enough to print a copy of the page referred to in the letter. However, as an exclusive we obtained the snap below of the page in situ in his den - just before we made our excuses and left. Watson has have several letters printed that relate to recently deceased droids. This isn’t a niche market he’s harvesting; he tells us it’s just what motivates him to write when a hero or icon shuffles off this mortal coil. Hope not to see him for a while then!



All in all a good page with the newbies rightly kept to a minimum. We don’t need their sort here!

The Enigmatic Dr X

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #233 on: 18 May, 2022, 10:11:16 PM »
Hoooold on.

Tell us about the signed Anne Robinson photo.
Lock up your spoons!

Dandontdare

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #234 on: 19 May, 2022, 12:38:39 PM »
Oh God, don't get him started on that....

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #235 on: 19 May, 2022, 03:02:25 PM »
Oh God, don't get him started on that....
Hoooold on.

Tell us about the signed Anne Robinson photo.

Shut it Dare.

Well spotted Dr X. I may have mentioned that I once appeared on (and won) the TV excitement that was 'Weakest Link' - no 'The' by my time.

I may have let it slip at the office once because my Secret Santa one year delivered said photo of the lovely Anne. It came in a frame with a pair of knickers, supposedly from the ginger fox, along with a note saying she had the hots for me, which I believe to be genuine.

The Enigmatic Dr X

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #236 on: 19 May, 2022, 04:04:05 PM »
And you kept it on proud display? Where, dare I ask, are the knickers? Over your knackers?
Lock up your spoons!

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #237 on: 20 May, 2022, 10:42:02 PM »
And you kept it on proud display? Where, dare I ask, are the knickers? Over your knackers?

They are encased in the frame with the photo lest her heavenly odour brings all the boys to my yard.