Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Yep
Revisit your childhood, and let us all know the really bad jokes that shouldn't make you laugh - but somehow do...
A man walks into a bar..."Ouch!"
A horse walks into a bar
Barman says "why the long face?"
What's got four legs and flies?
A dustbin!
That doesn't even make sense, Dudley...
So a termite walks into a pub and asks, "Bar tender?"
What did the blind, deaf and dumb guy with no arms or legs get for christmas?
Cancer.
What's black, white and red, and spins round and round whilst making loud shrieking noises?
A nun's face in a blender.
[well, it used to make us laugh in the playground in primary school...]
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom...
"What's got four legs and flies?
A dustbin"
Surely that should be a Dustbin man?
"A dyslexic man wanks into a bra"
"Heard about the magic tractor?
It goes down the road and turns into a field."
A man visits the doctor. He says to him 'I have this weird problem. I can't seem to pronounce my r's t's or h's.'
The doctor replies 'Well then, you can't say fairer than that.'
/Tommy Cooper
/I have an awful memory
How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?
Poke 'im on...
what did the garden say when it wore a Judge's helmet?
I am the lawn
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Vicar walk into a bar
The barman says " what is this, some sort of joke?"
What's green and smells of pork?
Kermit's finger.
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A man wlaks into a chip-shop and asks for a fresh portion of cod.
The assistant replies: It won't be long.
The man answers: Well it better be thick then!
Bolt-01
What's got three legs and goes "woof"?
- Piper Alpha
What's blue and doesn't fit?
- A dead epileptic
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
- He bought a warehouse
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
- She sold her soul to Santa
Did you hear about the two Spanish firemen?
- Hose A and Hose B
What's red and sits in the corner?
- A naughty bus
what does Speedy Gonzales buy from the carpet shop?
Underlay! Underlay!
thinky
What's blue and fucks old people?
Hypothermia.
What's blue and fucks old people?
...or as a friend of mine once had it, "me in me lucky overcoat"
A man walks into a bar.
OUCH!
It was a metal bar.
> "What's got four legs and flies?
> A dustbin"
> Surely that should be a Dustbin man?
Er... Surely that should be TWO dustbin men?
Favourite bad joke from when I was a kid:
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana
-- Mike C
Q. Wots the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of ball bearings?
A. You can't unload the ball bearings with a pitchfork
And there's the one about the lighthouse, but i'm not that bored!
--:)
A Great White Shark slides into a pub. The customers flee in terror. Sensing trouble, the shark says to the barman "It's OK, I'm over 18."
What's grey, sits at the bottom of the bed and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Allow me to put you all out of your misery:
What's got four legs and flies?
A dead dog.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob.
What do you call a man who lives under a pile of leaves?
Russel.
What do you call a man who lives in a hole in the grass?
Warren.
Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.
The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.
"Yeah," the string says.
"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.
"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug
What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
Douglas
Or...
What do you call a man with 20 rabbits up his bum?
- Warren
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms that can swim the Atlantic?
- Clever Dick
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
What's got one ear, one eye and eight legs?
Two chairs and half a horses head.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
- No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
- Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitalia?
- Still no f*cking idea.
Which brings me to...
What do call the useless bit of skin on the end of penis?
- a man
My two Star Wars jokes:
Luke is having terrible trouble eating his dinner, so he asks wise Obi-Wan. "Ben, Ben, I'm having terrible trouble eating my dinner - it's the peas, the keep rolling off my knife"
"Use the fork, Luke".
and
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in mortal combat, lightsabres clashing, all the sound effects. They look very evenly matched. Suddenly, Darth Vader (heavy breathing) tries to throw Luke's concentration: "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Skywalker" (more heavy breathing)...
"For I have felt your presents"
In the same vein...
Whats pink, wrinkly and hangs out your undies?
- Your Granny doing the laundry.
Ah thank yew.
Dan
What big, pink and hard?
A pig with a flick-knife.
What's brown and knocks on upstairs windows?
A poo on stilts
Steve
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why do dogs lick their dicks???
Because they can!
why did Nivea cream?
because Max Factor
Why did the pervert cross the road?
'Cos his willy woz stuck in the chicken!
"why did Nivea cream?
because Max Factor"
The version I heard was "Why did Elizabeth Arden?"
They both work
Ah yeah!
What's twelve inches long and makes women scream?
A dead baby.
Why did Michael Jackson drop back from the lead in te London Marathon?
Because he always likes to come in a little behind.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag?
One's white, made of plastic and harmful to children, the other is a carrier bag.
Tito Jackson suggested one night that they watch a video, cause they were all bored at the Jackson home.
Michael said,'Can we get Aladdin?'
Tito:'For fuck sake Michael, don't you think you're in enough trouble?'
About twenty years ago I saw an Australian film called the 'Odd Angry Shot' about ozzie SAS in Vietnam where one of the squadies cracked the joke about 'What's got four legs and flies?'. The answer was 'two lesbians'. My mates all thought that was hysterical but I have never yet got it. If any one could explain it, it would clear up a personal 20 year mystery.
Lesbians, in the popular (ie homophobic) imagination, smell of fish. Hence:
"Evening ladies", said the blind man walking past the fishmongers.
I think the aussie lesbian joke is referring to women who wear "strides".
Y'see dresses don't have flies(zippers on the crotch)- and obviously women who wear trousers are as bent as a dogs hind leg
on a less homophobic note..
has the stick joke been done yet?
whats brown and sticky?
a stick
Yes Johnny it has, and by a fellow Dubliner too.
It's the official joke of the city of Dublin, it was granted the keys to the city in '88
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?
A stick
Whats brown and wrinkly and looks out the window?
A nosey old shite.
M.
Michael Jackson's new single....
'I'm forever blowing Bubbles' & 'Don't let your son go down on me' or should that be 'Do'
Why is Michael Jackson like McDonalds?
They both like putting forty-year-old meat between 10-year-old buns.
...and Michael Jackson is like a bottle of rum because they both come in tots.
Sorry.
Just don't get me started on sexist jokes.
Then you'll know I'm really evil...
- Trout
A lady who was so poor she had to send her little girl out to play without nickers on, had her return waving a fiver around, saying,
" Mom some man gave me a fiver in pity. he said i should go and buy some underwear."
Thinking she would get double this ammount,she went out in a flared dress and skipped up and down the promenade nickerless,for all to see.
Lo and behold a man approached her waving a note.
He said," Ooh I do feel sorry for you poor types. Heres a tenner for a new haircut."
2
What goes woof woof tick tick?
A watch dog.
Link: The end of the Michael Jackson jokes
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
Douse it in petrol and toss a match at it...
whats michael jackson and father xmas got in common?
they both empty their sacks in little boys bedrooms
Changing tack a bit:
How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate it's tit a lot.
Dan
What goes 'Clip-clop. Clip-clop. BANG! Clip-clop. Clip-clop'?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
Why are all the really Sick jokes from Wils???
Slips
An Irishman goes for an interview at a building site. The foreman is a little wary of hiring a Paddy, so he decides to ask a simple question to determine the candidate's fitness. "So, my friend", he says, "Can you tell me the difference between a girder and a joist?"
"Oh, to be sure, begorrah", replies the Irishman. "Joist wrote Ulysses and Girder was the Faust fella."
Why are you surprised by that???
Hey! Other people are telling jokes about Michael Jackson fucking little boys and *I'm* the one that get's singled out as sick?
Irishman jokes, eh?
An Englishman asked an Irishman to show him the biggest building in an Irish town.
"There it is now" said the Irishman, "isn't it a fine structure entirely?"
"Is that your biggest building?" asked the Englishman.
"Why back in England we have buildings over a hundred times the size of that!"
"I'm not surprised," said the Irishman,"that's the local lunatic asylum."
A Kerryman goes to Dublin and finds himself in a pub, where he meets a woman he's really attracted to. After hours of talking, they finish their drinks and she leads him to the door by his hand. As she reaches for the handle, she turns to him and says "I do have you warn you, though. I'm on my menstrual cycle at them moment."
"That's alright," replies the Kerryman. "I'll follow behind you on my Yamaha."
Heh.
"A kerryman, who had fallen into a lot of money,went to the Dr with an injured leg.
"That looks nasty",said the Dr,"I'd better give you a local anaesthetic".
"Hang the expense", said the Kerryman, "I'll have the imported one!"
As good a place as any to post this, the most inappropriate logo known to man?
Continuing the Irish jokes
An american tourist goes into a bar in Dingle and says
"Hey buddy, lets have some of that famous Irish wit"
The barman says "certainly sir, would you like that dry or sparkling?"
...Speaking of Michael Jackson.
He phoned the music group "Boys to Men" in the mistaken belief they were a delivery service.
(AND before anyone gets on the "your sick" bandwagon remember, I'm not the one in court!:-)
"Good evening, and welcome to Kerry News. Our leading story tonight... Police are investigating the crash of a two-man light aircraft into a Killarney cemetary. On the scene, yer man, Michael O'Shite. Michael?"
"Jaysus Christ, Kathleen! It's worse than anyone could've imagined. So far, emergency teams have found a hundred and twelve bodies!"
Enough with the Paddy bashing!
We're quite capable of doing it ourselves thanks...
Link: What have the Brits ever done for us?
I thought my using 'Kerryman' instead of 'Irishman' would've told you of my heritage, tbh.
Wasn't directed at you Wils- and I wasn't serious anyway :)
( wils= william? as in King Billy?! proddy west brit!! out! out! OUt! etc etc)
Nope. Wils as in Wilson, cattle molesters of the Gunn clan. Er..perhaps I should have kept that to myself. ;)
I'm a half-breed. My mum's from Piercetown in County Meath, just outside of Kells.
I'm in Meath as we speak-in Damastown, which is practically the Dublin suburbs now
I'll call in to your relatives for tea on my way home- tell them to expect me and that I like nice cakes
and buns
I've been thinking of becoming a buddhist. Well, you only live once after all.
ADE
How did this thread, turn from hidieous jokes to journeys of self discovery.
Pah.
*Nothing* is impossible on this messageboard!
To drag things back to normality...
Why does Rupert the Bear wear tartan trousers?
Because he's a cunt.
I wonder Micheal are your favourite band still *3d* ,or do you prefer Boys to Men.
A man walks into the vets with his parrot and sits next to this woman with her Alsation....
"Whats up with your pet" he asked her.
"Well",she replied,"I had a bath last night and afterwards I lay naked in front of the fire to dry,rather than use the towel.
All of a sudden Hulk here jumped on me a gave me a real rough sexual assault."
"Ah,"said the man,"so your having him newted.His balls chopped off I mean?"
She says,
" No.I'm here to get him declawed."
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
Q: Who has a cape and flys?
A: Pope John Paul II.
Yes I made that joke up. I am ashamed.
ADE
A woman goes to the doctors,
"Doctor, every time i remove my knickers my vagina starts singing 'Show Me The Way To Amarillo'! Is this normal?"
"Oh I wouldnt worry about it", says the doctor, "every c*nts singing it at the minute."
A woman goes to the doctor's. She tells him that these green circles have appeared on the inside of each thigh. The doctor has a look and sure enough there they are, one on each side. "So what do you think they are Doctor?" she asks.
The Doctor thinks for a moment. "Tell me, do you have a boyfriend?" he asks.
"Yes" she replies.
"Well tell him his earings aren't real gold.
ADE
Two guys have a heavy night on the beer, most of which is spent boasting about the size of their respective manhoods. On the way home, they're in urgent need of bladder relief, so they stop on a bridge and pee into the water.
After a couple of seconds, one of them sees an opportunity to continue the evening's debate: "Hmm... Water's cold."
"Yeah," his friend says. "It's deep, too."
A man goes into a music shop. He has a look around, approaches the assistant and says
'Hello. I'd like to buy that red saxophone please, and i'll have that accordion as well.'
The assistant looks his customer up and down and says
'You're a drummer, aren't you?'
'Why yes' replies the customer 'how did you know?'
The assistant replies
'For starters, the fire extinguisher's not for sale, and i'm not taking the radiator off the wall either'
Man goes into butchers.
"Have you got a sheeps heid" he asks.
"Na, its just the way I comb me hair" says the butcher.
How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just the one - he only has to hold it, though, because the *whole world* revolves around him.
What do you call an Irish girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.
where do cows have fun?
in amoosement parks.
What did Clint Eastwood say to his mum in the morning before he went to school?
Go ahead Mum, make my lunch.
There`s an Aussie, an Englishman and an Irishman (why not?) watching the sea one day, when they see a mermaid sitting on rock.
"let`s go talk to her` says the Englishman
So they walk out and say hello. She`s very beautiful. "Have you ever been kissed?" says the Irish guy. "ooh no, says the Mermaid".
"well would you like to be kissed?" asks the Australian
"oh, yes please"
So they each give her a kiss.
they walk back to the beach, watch the horizon a bit. Then the Englishman says "I wonder if she`s ever had her tits played with"
"Let`s go find out" says the Irishman
So they stroll out to the rock.
"have you ever had your tits played with?" asks the Australian.
"No I haven`t" says the mermaid
"would you like to?"
"Ooh, yes please!"
So they all play with her tits for a bit
They return to the shore.
"I wonder if she`s ever been fucked" says the Englishman
They stroll out again.
"Excuse me, have you ever been fucked?" asks the Irishman
"Oooh no, I haven`t" says the mermaid
"well you`re fucked now" says the Australian. "the tide`s gone out"
Hahaha! Floyd's joke is the best!
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
What's worse than finding eight babies in a bin?
Finding one baby in eight bins.
Jimmy Carr classic:
Stabbing people is bad - in some people's eyes.
ADE
There's an inflatable kid who goes to the special inflatable school for inflatable children with inflatable staff. One day, the kid runs amock with a pin, stabbing everything in sight. After the kid's caught, he's taken to the inflatable headmaster's office.
"Well, I hope you're ashamed of yourself." says the inflatable headmaster. "You've let yourself down, you've let me down, and you've let the whole school down."
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!
Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.
Q. What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
A. One is white, made of plastic, and a hazard to small children. The
other is just a bag.
Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every
night?
A. Hanson.
Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.
Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?
A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night...
Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, okay, can we get Aladdin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video
Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hare.
Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids
FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house:
They found class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living room
and Class 5C in his bedroom.
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby
son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before we can
have sex?"
"I'd wait until he's at least 14," the doctor replies
i dont have Cable,
I don't want spend all day looking for my head
.
Why is the sky so high?
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
S
.
.
.
.
.
So birds don't bang their heids on it.
CRmmph!...
The german FLT sketch isd on aggin.
fnaharr..
After all, what are hands for?
Talk to the face, talk to the face...?
Top:Entertainment:Shaggy Dog Stories:The Chess Players
Author unknown (presumably for good reason)
All the top chess players show up at a hotel for an important international tournament. They spend the first hour hanging around the lobby telling each other of their recent victories. Their crows get progressively louder and louder as each one tries to outdo the others.
The hotel manager gets tired of this, so he throws them out of the lobby and tells them to go to their rooms. "If there's one thing I can't stand," he says, "it's chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."
There's three drunk geezers - an Englishman, Irishman and an American - stood at the top of the Empire State Building.
The American looked at the Irishman and said, "Do you want to see something that's pretty neat?"
The Irishman said, "Aw Jaysus, sure, go ahead and tell me, begorrah, I'm always up for the craic."
"Well, if you jump off of the Empire State Building, the unique combination of updrafts and thermals in the air will catch you and throw you back up".
The Irishman didn't believe him, so the American jumped off of the building and fell a few feet, the hung, twisting in the air before popping right back onto the roof. The Irishman couldn't believe it and asked him to do it again. Again he jumped off of the building and popped right back up.
The American said "Now you try it", so the Irishman jumped off the building and fell all the way to the ground, splattering apart like an egg made of meat.
The Englishman turned to look at the American and said, "You know, you're a real arsehole when you're pissed, Superman."
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ?Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He?s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It?s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
sorry, me no get that one :(
From the onion;
John Paul II's Last Words: "Pope Sled"
Just remembered a classic that greatly amused me when I was a kid:
Why is the electricity company like a swan?
They can both stick their bills up their arse!
"it's chess nuts boasting by an open foyer."
That's truly awful.
A man goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man.
"O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show - Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais... with my old green hairy lip squid!
The Krankees, 1982
ADE
What's red, orange and yellow and looks perfect on a chav?
Fire.
Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Norway as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars ...I'm your neighbour from forty miles away.... Having a Christmas party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5..."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There will be be some drinking."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "there will probably be be some fighting too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "Also, I've seen some pretty wild sex at these parties."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us".
Girl #1: My boyfriend has terrible dandruff!
Girl #2: You should give him Head & Shoulders.
Girl #1: Oh. How do I give him Shoulders?
A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 small loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 can of Miller Lite
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "You're single, aren't you?"
The man smiles. "Yes. How did you guess?"
The girl replies, "Because you're ugly."
A guy sitting at Bar at Brussels Airport noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight
attendant. But which airline does she work for?
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh sh!t, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned
towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the F**K do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, Ahhhhh, Ryanair!
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
One turns to the other and shouts 'I fucked your mother, hundred's of time!!'
Everybody in the bar turns to see what the other man will say.
He replys: 'You're drunk, we'd better go home, dad.'
Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: The both hate women.
It's funny because it's true.
ADE
What's brown and half-eaten?
- The Pope's easter-egg.
What's the smelliest thing in the world?
An anchovy's fanny.
Three nuns were at confession
The first said 'I must confess, i kissed a man on the lips last week.'
The priest replied: 'Drink one glass of holy water and your sins shall be forgiven.'
She went off and did this.
The second said 'I must confess, i kissed a man's penis last week.'
The priest replied: 'Drink ten glass of holy water and your sins shall be forgiven.'
She went off and did this
The priest turned to the last nun and said: 'And did you do?'
And she replied: 'I pissed in the holy water'
Substitute Sam for Johnny and Lars for Wulf...
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...' "
The star of Knight Rider and Baywatch goes into a bar and says to the barman, "Hi, get me a beer."
Noticing the barman is a little star-struck and wanting to avoid further attention he continues, "Please, just call me Mr Hoff".
And the barman says "Sure thing, David, No Hassle".
M@
Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell!
Q: Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him... what?
A: A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Q: How do you give a woman an orgasm?
A: Who cares?
ADE
I do, ladies, I do.
'Q: How do you give a woman an orgasm?
A: Who cares?'
But why would Who care? He's completely asexual(with the assistants at least - he might pop round Gallifrey to visit a Time lady of the night during down time though... ;) )
There was a jewish kid on the news the other night that was born without eyelids.
They had to use the leftover skin from his circumcision to make new eyelids.
They say he's OK, just a little cock-eyed...
Q;"Have you got a dictophone?"
A;"No, I use my finger."
it's Q.Do you use a dictaphone?
A. No,my fingers
Or,
Q;"Have you got a dictophone?"
A;"Yes, I'm just about to dump my boyfriend."
Or,
Q;"Have you got a dictophone?"
A;"Not now we're talking face to face."
A fraudulent midget clairvoyant has been terrorizing a small village...
...Police are looking for a small medium at large
;-)
Ed
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris for a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."
If he made rabbit sandwiches he could put them in the lunch pack of Notre Dame.
ADE
Why does Scandinavia have so many beautiful women?
When the Vikings raided Scotland they took them all back with them...
englishman irishman scotsman
die in accident
all arrive at gates of hell
devil says
you can have one more chance at life but you all have to stop doing somthing that you enjoy
to irishman
you can no longer drink guinness
to englishman
you can no longer have anal sex
to scotsman
you must stop being penny pinching
remember
says the devil
if you even think about breaking these commands ill know and youll be bak in hell
so they are sent back to life
they are all walking along the street and they pass the pub
ah sod it
says the irish guy
i cant go through life not drinking guiness
he rushes into the pub and orders a pint
the devil appears in flames and drags him down th hell
the other 2 carry on walking when the scotsman spots a penny on the ground
he tries to fight
but the urge is to strong
he bends down to pick it up
and the englishman disapears
The schoolboy classic:
Guy goes down to Hell. The devil appears: "Hello friend, welcome to Hell. Don't think of me as meanspirited, for I'm offering you three choices of how you wish to spend all eternity."
Three doors appear. He peeks through the first one: Thousands of people standing up to their waists in shit.
He has a look through the second door. Thousands of people up to their necks in shit, while a demon water-ski's around spraying the foul stuff everywhere. Oh dear.
Fearfully, he opens the thrid door. Here the people are only up to their ankles. Well it's better than the last two I suppose. He goes in, the door slams behind him.
Along walks a demon:
"Okay everyone, 5 minute break over, back on your heads."
ADE