Daft things you've heard

[Albion]

During the Falklands War I was in our local shop and a woman was in there and was asking the shopkeeper if the corned beef was from Argentina, if it was she wouldn't buy it.

The shopkeeper told her it was from South America so she said that would be OK and bought some.

[Albion]

My girlfriend and her daughter were in a shop a while back and her daughter asked her, "How much is that £6.99 toaster?".

[Richard]

'We shouldn't have to queue like this. We're tax-payers.'

Well, to be fair they pay VAT on their fags.

[Peter Wolf]

  I was in the local take away once and a couple walked in who were morons and slightly drunk.

   " How much is a cheesburger ? "     Its written on the wall to your right in very big easy to read letters so clearly that even you should be able to understand what it says.  

  I didnt actually say that but thats what i felt like saying to this particular couple of thickshits.

[TordelBack]

I shared a house with a girl who maintained, even in the face of a Dictionary, that the word for congealed mammary fluids was correctly spelled "cheeze".  "Cheese", she proclaimed, was a brand name.  

She knew this because, and I quote, "...my father is an English teacher".  

I'm not sure which part of this story is dafter.

[ARRISARRIS]

...my girlfriend loves to buy Londons Burning boxed sets and used to watch the series all the time when it was on tv...

...while watching an episode for the umptenth time she turned to me and said... ' so wheres it set?'....   ...aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!...

[Woolly]

My mate Matt (who is older than me) only discovered last year that lambs are baby sheep.
He honestly thought they were a different species, and just shared the same fields!

And one of my own from when i was a kid:
"The only live hedgehogs ive ever seen are dead ones in the road.."

[TordelBack]

A family favourite, from my youngest brother when he were a nipper:

"I'm NOT igronant!".

[Banners]

:: ...my girlfriend loves to buy Londons Burning boxed sets and used to watch the series all the time when it was on tv...

Sounds like my ideal woman! Trust she is enjoying the newly-releases Series 5 at the moment...

:-)

M@

[I, Cosh]

Two friends were standing in the queue for a seedy nightclub, babbling a lot of mushroom-influenced nonsense. A local notable of the shady variety standing in front of them tries to act menacing but is quickly drawn into the strange logic of their inane babble. A few minutes later, the notable's lairy accomplice comes stumbling round the corner and irritatedly demands to know What's Going Down?

"We're just having a conversation." replies one of my friends.

Summoning every last shred of machismo, and clearly attempting to channel the spirit of Charles Bronson, the ned spits out in all seriousness: "Conversation?! Is that the talk?"

Cue paroxysms of mirth.

[Peter Wolf]

    I aint ignant .

[Max Kon]

This has happened a few times.

My mother starts looking through her bag.
Me: What you looking for?
Mom: My sunglasses
Me: check your head.

[House of Usher]

A girl, having just graduated biology with a 2:1 and about to start an advertised PhD studying the lifecycle of blowflies announces, with appalled horror, the revelation: "it's maggots!!"

Up until she accepted her very generously remunerated Phd (£12,000 in 1993 - mine, in 1997, only paid £6,000) she had imagined that flies and maggots were separate species. Most of us had solved that conundrum well before the age of 10. And she passed biology with a 2:1.

[mogzilla]

The best one was a family holiday,in the car mum's tape on crossing the pennines into yorkshire.A bright light was visible from a hill my sister who is older than me shouted "oooh look, a lighthouse!"
we have NEVER let her forget it.

[House of Usher]

A variation on not being igronant:

A girl at my school once protested in an English class that she was "not illerate!"