Cinema Horrors - your experiences...

esoteric ed · 12 March, 2004, 06:41:03 AM

My worst was going to see Jaws the Revenge... not just the movie, but I had a stomach bug at the time which I found rather apt.

One tale I heard was a couple who settled to see a movie in their local "fleapit" only to find they'd caught head lice from the seats, hmmm nice.

anyone had any un-Cinefantastique experiences?

Ed

Mangamax · 12 March, 2004, 03:00:12 PM

Saw a prostitute openly (with emphasis on the opening if you know what i mean) touting for business in an auditorium once

Matt Timson · 12 March, 2004, 03:07:23 PM

Hmmm... I once saw a man masturbating- God only knows why. It wasn't even soft porn...

However, my very worst cinematic experience is a toss up between Spawn and some other utter shite I had to endure last week for the sake of my Godchildren. It was called Tooth and was about a tooth fairy.

I'm convinced that it was written under the influence of acid, with nobody bothering to tell the makers that being under the inluence of mind bending chenicals was the only way it was ever going to make any kind of sense when watched.

Extremely.
Painful.

Dudley · 12 March, 2004, 03:33:07 PM

My worst experience was being someone else's worst experience.

Edinburgh Festival, 1996. I'm running a theatre company there, so what with promotional activities, venue issues and performing in the show itself, I barely have any time to actually catch anything.

Walking back to our flats at half midnight, pissed off at how few shows I'm getting to watch, I spot that a Film Festival cinema is showing a film I've always wanted to see.

Surprisingly, the cinema is entirely deserted - just darkness and the whirring sound of the projector. Which is kind of scary. I take my pick of the seats - about 3/4 of the way back, dead in the middle - and prepare to watch the film.

But just before it starts to roll, a couple come into the auditorium. Being a little bit huggly and kissy-kissy, they fail to notice me. So they sit directly in front of me. The cinema's seats are high and comfortable and I can't be bothered to move. The film begins.

After a while, the girl goes to kiss the guy. And that's when she notices me, one row back, nobody else in the entire (enormous) cinema, sitting in the dark, wearing black, my face no doubt chalk-white in the reflected light, with my little John Lennon glasses with their coloured lenses so you can't see my eyes.

She visibly flinches, turns back to the screen, sits bolt upright and holds her boyfriend's hand. I'm in a quandary - if I move, it's like an admission of guilt.

So, I don't move. The film continues, both of them now sitting tensely in their chairs. And in the total silence that occupies large tracts of the film, I become aware that my other little problem is acting up. My nasal passages are a little constricted, which means that when I'm engrossed - and it is a good film - I breathe quite heavily. Every time I remind myself to breathe through my mouth, but then another moment of heartstopping film comes up, and - WHEEZE! WHEEZE! WHEEZE!

The film ended - I don't think I've seen two people leave any cinema so fast, glancing back at me again and again. I was so self-conscious by this time I actually watched the credits and let the lights come up before leaving, purely in order to avoid running into thme outside the cinema again.

Oh, and the film we were watching?

"Henry - Portrait of a Serial Killer"

Krustabi · 12 March, 2004, 03:41:08 PM

Seeing Hulk in an auditorium full of mewling children running around. That film was so boring that I'm not surprised they were doing so, but still, I hate children...

Matt Timson · 12 March, 2004, 03:43:48 PM

HAHAHA! That's brilliant, Dud!

Mangamax · 12 March, 2004, 05:08:26 PM

Masturbating in cinemas. Know why the dirty old men used to bring in a lamp shade?

Quirkafleeg · 12 March, 2004, 05:14:22 PM

The last time my parents went to the cinema (Master and Commander) there were scum youths openly begging in the auditorium.

No really bad horror stories beyond the usual...

Lights not being dimmed throughout the whole film so it was like watching a video... I actually wrote and complained about that, the totally shite reply I got ("this could not have happened")made me write to head office... Manager got the sack - though I gather it was for other things as well.

Someone not only leaving the mobile phone on but procedding to have a conversation when it went off (same cinema in London)

Little girl Affleck fans talking through the WHOLE of Clear and Present Danger... similar, though not as bad, in The Ring ("Is that it?" loudly shouted out a crucial point)

Alien3 - Bloke in front of me spent the whole last half of the film clicking his rings together - most stupid person in the world sat behind me (10 mins before the end: "What happened to the Doctor")

The other side of the coin....

Me and my mate went to see the Blob remake pissed... "He's fucked!!!" "This didnt happend it he first one!" "HA HA HA HA HAHA"

ANd even I'm embarresed about going to see the Blues Brothers and spending the whole first hald of the film reciting the lines back at the screen until we were told off...

Pyroxian · 12 March, 2004, 05:21:09 PM

>Hmmm... I once saw a man masturbating- God only
>knows why. It wasn't even soft porn...

That wasn't in the Leicester Odeon was it? I heard stories about that guy as I knew a couple of people who worked there...

Steve

Rio De Fideldo · 12 March, 2004, 05:22:05 PM

I hate it at the pictures and also if you go to watch a play, when people laugh at the most obviously sign posted jokes just to let everyone else know that they get the joke.

Eric Plumrose · 13 March, 2004, 11:53:42 PM

Cinema staff who DON'T KNOW WHAT ASPECT RATIO MEANS. I usually end up missing five minutes of the film explaining, gesticulating, then waiting for 'em to find someone who might know what the fuck I'm ranting about.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon:

'Look! See! It's all squashed up at the sides!'
'No, sir. It's supposed to be like that.'
'Gosh. An interactive cinema screen with optional subtitles.'

And A Dangerous Mind. And Lost in Translation. And Return of the King.

DavidXBrunt · 14 March, 2004, 12:03:41 AM

Worst Experience - being enthusiastically propositioned by someone dressed as Frank N. Furter.

Best Experience - being enthusiastically propositioned by someone dressed as Magenta.

Oddest Experience - The huge round of applause that Maverick got. What posessed a full theatre of people to spontaneously clap? I've never seen that for any other film.

Worst Experience that turned into one of the best - The class of kids who talked throughout the opening of 'Fellowship of the rings' so that I couldn't hear a word. But as the film went on and they fell silent in awe there was a great moment when one of them shouted "He's alive!" when they revealed Gandalf on the roof of Orthank.

stront692 · 14 March, 2004, 12:13:34 AM

worst experience was working in my local flickhouse 2 years ago - the bottom 2 screens were flooded, brody wouldnt put any heating on so it was freezing (broken but couldnt get it fixed)

luckily he is now manager of WARNER VILLAGE screen and funnily enough the standards have dropped there recently too

-=>DEMONIZER<=- · 14 March, 2004, 12:50:06 AM

Just about prevalent in every cinema visit is persistent coughing and/or snotty noses.

During a quiet film it is harder to untune to them, and difficult to justify the ejection and horrific torture of the offender.

Low, bassy voices are also a problem - rumbing away in the background often behind you.

Quirkafleeg · 14 March, 2004, 03:31:54 AM

... and the time they started showing the wrong film (kids film instead of the Krays, I thought there was gonna be a riot)... when the showed the first five mins of Terminator 2 with the wrong lens on the projectro....when they showed Days of THunder in the screen next to the one I was watching the Big Man, que the last high hour with a back ground of car racing bleeding through from next door...