Threadjacking!

[Proudhuff]

why do they ALWAYS play shit music in FP? is it a rule or just so spotty u-ffs feel like they're back in their bedrooms?
Where's the Gilbert and Sullivan

[TordelBack]

why do they ALWAYS play shit music in FP?

And so loud. Fair loosens the dentures.

Where's the Gilbert and Sullivan

A good friend of mine once harboured affections for a young lass, and contrived to escape the friend zone (naive fool!) by accompanying her on a group holiday in cramped quarters.  Apparently she sang G&S non-stop the entire time, starting at sunrise, and he returned a broken man.  You only have to quietly hum 'I am the very model of modern major general'  to watch him twitch horribly.

 

[Sideshow Bob]

Mentioning Gilbert & Sullivan reminded me of my Music Teacher at Stirling High School many, many moons ago......
He used to 'sing' along when we in his class,  and I still remember him booming out  " He polished up those handles so care-full- eeee, That now he is the ruler of the Queens' na-veeeeee"......
Absolutely f****** dreadful stuff  ...... I can appreciate it a bit more now, but when I was 16 - 17.....Pfft !!

Sorry to derail the thread slightly ( but it is called Threadjacking ).....Now when I hear any Gilbert & Sullivan, it always reminds me of him and the terrible 'wig' he wore...... Now I don't suppose wig technology ( wiggery ??) was particularly great in the late 60's / early 70's,  but this 'thing' was an abomination,  and looked as if it had been made by a blind carpet fitter !!

Very realistic, and an absolute 'perfect' match / compliment,(  ), to his grey sideburns was this Very Dark brown / black  'monstrosity' that was perched upon his head........ And of course,  unless you were classified as 'Legally blind' you couldn't tell it was a 'wig'.....

Now,  I no longer am blessed with the full compliment of hair that I once had.... , but WTF,  that's what getting older does to you....Now I go for a Bruce Willis type haircut.............but resort to a hairpiece ?? !! ..........
Some kind person will now ( hopefully ) post a couple of pics of " No, you can't tell it's not my own hair "...

Cheers

[The Doctor Alt 8]

And if anyone here has any distressed abandoned hairpiece's I will happy give them a new home. I collect them. Seriously.

[Daveycandlish]

Collecting family *hair*looms Doc?

[TordelBack]

And if anyone here has any distressed abandoned hairpiece's I will happy give them a new home. I collect them. Seriously.

Close the thread please, we're done here.

[SuperSurfer]

Is it possible to have a synopsis of this thread?

[Hawkmumbler]

IO7 format sucks. Cant tell what anything is anymore.

[The Doctor Alt 8]

This is a part of the script.
You see I do not lie about quality.
Characters


Male   Female   Either
Selma Lina (Dame)   Snow White   Bangers
Ivor Thorn   Prince Charming   Mash
Robb U Blind   Queen   Jerry Fright
Sporty   Hark Lent   Billy
   Starry   Toffee (Pink Ladies)
   Scardy   Crumble (Pink Ladies)
   Seamstress (Granny Smith)   Pie (Pink Ladies)
    Sulky   Stuffy
       Smiley
       Stingy
       Butcher
       Baker
       Candlestick Maker
       Florist
       Cider Maker
       Mayor
       Animal 1
       Animal 2
       Animal 3
       Animal 4
       Animal 5
       Animal 6
       Animal 7
       
















Songs

Act 1

Belle (Beauty and the beast)          Hark Chorus

True Loves kiss (Enchanted)          Snow White, animals

True loves Kiss reprise (Enchanted)       Snow White, Prince Charming

Out There (Barnum)            Robb U Blind

I wanna live each night (Spectacular)      Queen/Bangers/Mash

Last Christmas (George Michael)      Robb U Blind

Teamwork (Chitty Chitty)      Snow/Animals/Selma/Ivor/Bangers/ Mash/Chorus

Over at the Frankenstein Place (RHS)   Snow/Animals/Toffee/Crumble/Pie

Consider Yourselves (Oliver)   Dwarves

No wonder taxes are so high (Aladdin)   Queen/ Bangers and Mash/ Robb?/Chorus

Act 2

Bad to the bone (George Thorogood)   Robb U Blind

Heigh Ho   Snow White and Dwarves

A little bit of this   Selma

I want to break free   Hark, Billy, Jerry, Animals

Poor unfortunate souls   Queen

Celebration   Cast


Prologue

In front of main curtains
Enter Toffee, Crumble and Pie

Toffee       Hi boys and girls,
      Mums and dads
      I bet your all extremely glad
      To be right here to see our show
      It's the best round here don't you know
         
      My name is Toffee

Crumble   I'm Crumble

Pie      I'm Pie

Toffee      We're glad you have all come by
      To see our story of love and woe
      Sitting comfortably? Then here we go!

Crumble   Welcome to Appletonia a land that's ruled
      By the evil Queen who can't be fooled
      She takes all their money
      Their bread and their honey
      And leaves them incredibly sad

Pie      But growing up fast is the Princess Snow White
      Who could become Queen and set all to right
      But right now her evil Stepmother is Queen
      And to destroy the Princess she is awfully keen

Toffee      We must help get rid of the Queen we despise
      And to do that we must dress in disguise
As the 'Pink Ladies' a rock and roll band
So we are around to give them a hand
      So let's join them now as they prepare
      For Royal Gala day in the village square


ACT ONE

Scene 1– Woodland Village

Open Curtains. Onstage at start-Hark

SONG-BELLE (Beauty and the Beast)-Hark and Chorus

Baker      Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Tenth tax rise since Christmas!

Candlestick   Who's hot, who's not!

Butcher   Crystal Palace to win Premiership!

Bak/Can   What?

Butcher    Oh Crystal Palace to wimper at ship-they are being shipped out for eating oranges at half time instead of apples

Bak/Can   Ohhh!

Hark   Come on Billy, there must be some exciting stories round here somewhere and I won't rest till I find them.

Billy   But Hark, we do have a story...Bert the Baker has a new type of pie with 10 different types of apple. Hmmm (rub tummy)

Hark   While the baker's new pie is simply delicious it's not really a career changing story is it? No what I need is a headline with real reader pulling power.

Billy   (shocked, noticing audience) What about 'local population expands shocker?'

Hark   What are you talking about? (Billy points to audience) Oh hello there! What a nice surprise to see you all. I'm Hark Lent, top reporter for the local paper 'The Magic Mirror'.

Billy      'For all your local news and gossip buy the Magic Mirror moppet!'

Hark   I know-it's terrible. The paper ran a slogan competition and the village idiot won. Anyway...I'm the top reporter in these parts and I know everything there is to know about Appletonia. So if you have any questions please don't hestitate to ask!

Billy   Hark! I have a question. What's going on around here? Is it somebody's birthday? Is it my birthday?

Hark   No Billy. Everyone is getting ready for the Royal Gala celebrations. Here in Appletonia we just love apples. Everyone finds them so apeeling we eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner and celebrate their juiciness year after year after year.

Billy   Oh yeah! I remember! Quick lets take some photos of the apple bobbing-somebody might fall in again! (Billy drags Hark off)

(Enter Mayor and Band)

Mayor   Our festival begins right here in a weeks time and I would like you to open our celebrations. Tell me-do you know 'There ain't nothing like an apple' (to tune to you aint nothing but a hounddog')

Toffeee   Yes but...

Mayor      What about 'Apple, Apple, Apple'?

Toffee      Yes of course but we have a slight problem...

Mayor   Your fees? As we discussed and if you get an encore we will even through in some of our famous apple cider. Now I must be off. See you at the festival!

Toffee   but...what are we going to do now? We've got no singer and we have a gig in 7 days!

Crumble   Don't worry I'm sure we will find someone

Toffee      In 7 days?

Pie   Calm down. I'm sure we'll find a pretty young thing with the moves, the looks and the voice. We just need to keep looking

   (from off stage-Selma singing)

Crumble   What on earth is that?

Pie      I don't know but my eardrums are about to burst-lets get out of here!
   
(exit band, enter Selma)

Selma      Yoohoo!

All       Yoohoo Selma!

Selma   That wasn't very good. When I say 'Yoohoo!' you say ' yoohoo Selma!' Got that? Let's give it another try. 'Yoohoo!'

Audience   Yoohoo Selma!

Selma   That's much better! My name's Selma, Selma Lina and I'm the palace cook. I'd really like to know your names but there are so many of you...I know. I'm going to count to 3 and then I want you all to shout out your name. Ready? 1..2..3

Audience   Shout names

Selma   Ah how lovely! I've always wanted to have a friend called gobbledegook! Now that we're all friends I can tell you all about our little village. Appletonia is such a lovely place to live-or it would be if it wasn't for the evil Queen. She's such a greedy Queen. She takes all the kingdoms money and keeps it all to herself. She never shares it with anyone, not even with her stepdaughter Princess Snow White. Poor Snow White! All the other Princesses spend all their time buying dresses and jewels  but not our Princess Snow White-she has to clean and mend and wear rags but she never complains and is always smiling

Candlestick   Snow White has the most lovely smile..

Butcher   That old Queen is just jealous

Bert      Snow White is far more beautiful than her

Florist      Oh look, here she is now

   Enter Snow White and Animals

Snow      Good morning everyone!

All      Good morning Snow White

Snow      Good morning Selma

Selma      Good morning your Highness

Snow      Oh Selma. You don't need to call me that. I hardly look like a princess.

Candlestick   You will always be a princess to us no matter what you wear.

Snow   Thank you so much but please call me Snow White. After all we are practically family

Selma   If you insist Your Highness I mean Snow White. Now what brings you to the village this morning?

Snow   I need to see Granny Smith the seamstress about the Queens dress for Gala day.

Selma      I hope that stepmother of yours is buying you a new dress too.

Snow      No of course not

Selma      Why that wicked woman! I'd like to tell her what I really think of her.

Snow   And what would that achieve? The Queen would lock you away and I would never see you again. Besides what would I need a fancy dress for when I have friends like you?

Selma      Your right as always Princess. How do you stay so cheerful?

SONG: TRUE LOVES KISS- SNOW WHITE AND ANIMALS

Granny   There you are Snow White. Please tell the Queen that her dress will be ready for the final fitting tomorrow. Oh and these ribbons are for you.

Snow       They really are beautiful...but I don't have any money

Granny   They are a gift-everyone in the village has paid for them. Besides everyone deserves something pretty.

Snow      Oh thank you everyone! (puts on ribbons) I'll wear them everyday!

   Everyone freezes. Stage lights go down. Queen enters SL in green spotlight   

Queen      Brand new ribbons
      Colourful and bright
      Pull around Snow White tight
      Take her breath, take her sigh
      Do your worst and make her die!
      Hahahahahahahaha!

   Queen exits-lights up Snow White starts to get uncomfortable. Prince enters

Granny      Are you ok Snow White? You've gone really pale.
   
   Snow White shakes head-somone pulls out a chair

Selma      Oh no! Snow Whites in trouble! Somebody help!

Crumble   Noble Prince let me help you see
      The way to set Snow White free

Prince      Let me through, let me through! I have a knife!

   Prince cuts her ribbons

Prince      Are you ok?

Snow       Yes thank you-I must have pulled my ribbons too tight

      Prince and Snow look into each others eyes

Both      Wow!

SONG:TRUE LOVES KISS Reprise-PRINCE AND SNOW

Snow      Thank you kind Sir for your help

Prince      I wonder...I'm new in town and I don't know my way around-could you give me a tour?

Snow      I would love to...but...I'm very sorry...I have to go...

Prince      but...

Snow      I'm so sorry...truly I am...

   Exit Snow White and Animals

Prince      but I don't even know your name

      Exit Prince. Enter Ivor Thorn

Ivor      Selma! Selma! Where is that stupid woman? Selma!

Selma      Yoohoo Ivor!

Ivor      Yoohoo Selma! Where have you been? It's 11am and the Queen will be expecting her lunch soon.

Selma      Stop fussing Ivor. My apple stew has been cooking for hours

Ivor       I wondered what that burning smell was

Selma      Burning? Oh cripes! Toodles!

All      Toodles Selma!
   
   Exit Selma

Ivor      That woman is a disaster area

   Enter Robb U Blind

Carpenter   Oh no! Its Robb U Blind!

Cider      Lets get out of here!

   Chorus exit rapidly

Robb      I would have thought you'd have better things to do than hang around here.

Ivor      I don't think that's any of your business do you

Robb      Listen Ivor Thorn

Ivor      It's a silent T

Robb      Whatever. I don't appreciate your tone. This is my town and you will do as I say

Ivor      Ohh don't get your knickers in a twist.

Robb      How dare you! The Queen will hear of your rudeness!

Ivor      I'm so scared-not! You may do the Queens bidding but you don't run this town yet. Besides no one prunes her roses like me so you can tell her all you want!

   Exit Ivor Lights go down. Spotlight on Robb

Robb      I may not run this town yet but I will do soon and then I will destroy you, I'll destroy you all! HAHAHA

SONG-OUT THERE (ROBB U BLIND)
   Lights out. Close ¾ curtains


SCENE 2 IF ¾

Bring on sign saying 'Magic Mirror' and table/chairs

Enter Jerry and Band

Toffee      So our advert for a new singer will definitely be in tomorrows paper?

Jerry   That's what I said isn't it (band nod). Jerry Fright, that's me, always keeps his word-on that you can depend.

Exit band enter Hark and Billy

Jerry   There you are Hark! What exciting news do you have for tomorrows edition?

Billy   Bert the baker has a new pie!

Jerry   (genuinely) Fantastic! That's front page news! Well done guys! Pats Billy on back Billy walks away happily  Seriously Hark-there must be something more exciting going on around here?

Hark   I would love to say yes...but no

Jerry    Where has all the scandal gone?

Hark   It appears all the popstars  are trying to make it big in Pearton and all the sports stars are too busy trying to win back their wives. Everyone else is too busy getting ready for the Royal Gala to cause any trouble.
Jerry   What about the who's hot and who's not list?

Hark   er..well..its complete but its going to need some serious editing. You see the Queen isn't going to like it

Jerry   Why not? She's still hot isn't she?

Hark   No I'm afraid she's not

Jerry   taking list What! So who's hot?

Hark   Snow White

Jerry   Oh no! We can't print that! The Queen will core and quarter us!

Hark   I know, I know....Hey what about we just change the 'hot' and 'not' columns? No one ever needs to know

Jerry   Brilliant Hark! This is why you're the 'Magic Mirror's' top reporter! But you will have to hurry-Robb U Blind will be here for the Queen's advance copy any minute!

Hark   I know! We can get our new friends to help us. Can you do that? Can you warn us when Robb U Blind shows up? You can? Brilliant. When you see Robb U Blind can you shout 'he's behind you'? You sure? Right lets practice Billy you pretend you're Robb U Blind so we can practice (they do) Fantastic! We are going to need you to help all our friends so can you keep a look out for him? Thanks guys!

Enter Prince Hark puts list on desk and gets distracted by Billy

Prince   Good morning. May I speak to the editor please?

Jerry   Jerry Fright at your service. How can I help you?

Prince   I desperately need to find a lady

Jerry   Really? Well there are several places I can recommend

Prince   I think you misunderstood me. I'm looking for a particular lady-one I met in the village today. She is as beautiful as the sun and I just have to meet her again

Jerry   The first buds of new love-how wonderful. Billy! Please take this young man's details for me

Billy   Yes Boss. Name

Prince   I don't know

Billy   You don't know your name? Everyone knows their name! Are you stupid or something?

Prince   No! I know my name. Its Prince Charming of Pearton Jerry and Hark look up shocked I just don't know her name

Jerry   Your highness! A thousand apologies for I did not recognise you in this humble office

Prince   There is honestly no need. I just need to find this lady.

Jerry   Of course Sire. Let me present Hark Kent the 'Magic Mirror's' top reporter. Can I get you anything? Apple tea? Apple juice?

Prince   No thank you enter Robb U Blind

Audience   He's behind you

Hark   Thanks kids

Robb   Fright! The Queens paper! And be quick about it! I don't have all day!

Jerry   Yes Mr Blind

Jerry exits Robb wonders round eavesdropping and picks up list and puts in pocket

Hark   So Your Highness, can you describe this mysterious woman for me?

Prince   She is an angel from heaven

Hark   Yes but what colour is her hair?

Prince   Her hair? Oh her hair is as black as ebony, her skin-as white as snow and her lips..oh her lips are as red as..as a rose

Billy   I know her-it's Snow White!

Prince   Snow White? What a lovely name! Where can I find her?

Billy   She lives at the Palace cos she's a Princess

Prince   A princess? How perfect! Thank you so much! I'll hail a horse and cart and make my way straight there!

Robb   There is no need for that Sire. My name is Robb U Blind and I'm a personal friend of the Queen's. In fact I'm heading up there shortly-may I give you a lift?

Prince   That would be very much appreciated. Thank you

Robb   to Jerry. The Queen's paper? Jerry gives paper-swap evil looks Your Highness

Prince and Robb exit

Jerry   Hark! Billy! I can feel a whopper of a story coming on! Follow them and make sure you get the exclusive! Hark and Billy start to leave And make sure you look out for Snow White-she's going to need all the help she can get

Hark/Billy   Yes Boss

Hark and Billy exit after Robb Jerry exits opposite way


SCENE 3 Queens Lair

Open ¾
Onstage Queen bangers mash and villagers

Butcher   So what we are trying to say is...

Baker   What with it being the Royal Gala..

Candlestick   And our expenses going up...

Florist   is whether you could possibly find it in your heart...

Carpenter   to give us an extra week or two..

Cider   to pay the rent..

Queen   No I think not. You have had a year to prepare for this. If you can't organise your finances that's your problem.

Mayor   But your majesty...

Queen   Enough! You will pay your rent on time or you will be finding somewhere else to live. Understood?

Chorus   Yes your Majesty

Queen   Now get out of my sight-you're making me nauseous.

Chorus exit escorted by Bangers and Mash

[The Doctor Alt 8]

And if anyone here has any distressed abandoned hairpiece's I will happy give them a new home. I collect them. Seriously.

Close the thread please, we're done here.

Offical confirmation that I am a Thread killer at last

[Proudhuff]

This is a part of the script.
You see I do not lie about quality.
Characters


Male   Female   Either
Selma Lina (Dame)   Snow White   Bangers
Ivor Thorn   Prince Charming   Mash
Robb U Blind   Queen   Jerry Fright
Sporty   Hark Lent   Billy
   Starry   Toffee (Pink Ladies)
   Scardy   Crumble (Pink Ladies)
   Seamstress (Granny Smith)   Pie (Pink Ladies)
    Sulky   Stuffy
       Smiley
       Stingy
       Butcher
       Baker
       Candlestick Maker
       Florist
       Cider Maker
       Mayor
       Animal 1
       Animal 2
       Animal 3
       Animal 4
       Animal 5
       Animal 6
       Animal 7
       
















Songs

Act 1

Belle (Beauty and the beast)          Hark Chorus

True Loves kiss (Enchanted)          Snow White, animals

True loves Kiss reprise (Enchanted)       Snow White, Prince Charming

Out There (Barnum)            Robb U Blind

I wanna live each night (Spectacular)      Queen/Bangers/Mash

Last Christmas (George Michael)      Robb U Blind

Teamwork (Chitty Chitty)      Snow/Animals/Selma/Ivor/Bangers/ Mash/Chorus

Over at the Frankenstein Place (RHS)   Snow/Animals/Toffee/Crumble/Pie

Consider Yourselves (Oliver)   Dwarves

No wonder taxes are so high (Aladdin)   Queen/ Bangers and Mash/ Robb?/Chorus

Act 2

Bad to the bone (George Thorogood)   Robb U Blind

Heigh Ho   Snow White and Dwarves

A little bit of this   Selma

I want to break free   Hark, Billy, Jerry, Animals

Poor unfortunate souls   Queen

Celebration   Cast


Prologue

In front of main curtains
Enter Toffee, Crumble and Pie

Toffee       Hi boys and girls,
      Mums and dads
      I bet your all extremely glad
      To be right here to see our show
      It's the best round here don't you know
         
      My name is Toffee

Crumble   I'm Crumble

Pie      I'm Pie

Toffee      We're glad you have all come by
      To see our story of love and woe
      Sitting comfortably? Then here we go!

Crumble   Welcome to Appletonia a land that's ruled
      By the evil Queen who can't be fooled
      She takes all their money
      Their bread and their honey
      And leaves them incredibly sad

Pie      But growing up fast is the Princess Snow White
      Who could become Queen and set all to right
      But right now her evil Stepmother is Queen
      And to destroy the Princess she is awfully keen

Toffee      We must help get rid of the Queen we despise
      And to do that we must dress in disguise
As the 'Pink Ladies' a rock and roll band
So we are around to give them a hand
      So let's join them now as they prepare
      For Royal Gala day in the village square


ACT ONE

Scene 1– Woodland Village

Open Curtains. Onstage at start-Hark

SONG-BELLE (Beauty and the Beast)-Hark and Chorus

Baker      Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Tenth tax rise since Christmas!

Candlestick   Who's hot, who's not!

Butcher   Crystal Palace to win Premiership!

Bak/Can   What?

Butcher    Oh Crystal Palace to wimper at ship-they are being shipped out for eating oranges at half time instead of apples

Bak/Can   Ohhh!

Hark   Come on Billy, there must be some exciting stories round here somewhere and I won't rest till I find them.

Billy   But Hark, we do have a story...Bert the Baker has a new type of pie with 10 different types of apple. Hmmm (rub tummy)

Hark   While the baker's new pie is simply delicious it's not really a career changing story is it? No what I need is a headline with real reader pulling power.

Billy   (shocked, noticing audience) What about 'local population expands shocker?'

Hark   What are you talking about? (Billy points to audience) Oh hello there! What a nice surprise to see you all. I'm Hark Lent, top reporter for the local paper 'The Magic Mirror'.

Billy      'For all your local news and gossip buy the Magic Mirror moppet!'

Hark   I know-it's terrible. The paper ran a slogan competition and the village idiot won. Anyway...I'm the top reporter in these parts and I know everything there is to know about Appletonia. So if you have any questions please don't hestitate to ask!

Billy   Hark! I have a question. What's going on around here? Is it somebody's birthday? Is it my birthday?

Hark   No Billy. Everyone is getting ready for the Royal Gala celebrations. Here in Appletonia we just love apples. Everyone finds them so apeeling we eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner and celebrate their juiciness year after year after year.

Billy   Oh yeah! I remember! Quick lets take some photos of the apple bobbing-somebody might fall in again! (Billy drags Hark off)

(Enter Mayor and Band)

Mayor   Our festival begins right here in a weeks time and I would like you to open our celebrations. Tell me-do you know 'There ain't nothing like an apple' (to tune to you aint nothing but a hounddog')

Toffeee   Yes but...

Mayor      What about 'Apple, Apple, Apple'?

Toffee      Yes of course but we have a slight problem...

Mayor   Your fees? As we discussed and if you get an encore we will even through in some of our famous apple cider. Now I must be off. See you at the festival!

Toffee   but...what are we going to do now? We've got no singer and we have a gig in 7 days!

Crumble   Don't worry I'm sure we will find someone

Toffee      In 7 days?

Pie   Calm down. I'm sure we'll find a pretty young thing with the moves, the looks and the voice. We just need to keep looking

   (from off stage-Selma singing)

Crumble   What on earth is that?

Pie      I don't know but my eardrums are about to burst-lets get out of here!
   
(exit band, enter Selma)

Selma      Yoohoo!

All       Yoohoo Selma!

Selma   That wasn't very good. When I say 'Yoohoo!' you say ' yoohoo Selma!' Got that? Let's give it another try. 'Yoohoo!'

Audience   Yoohoo Selma!

Selma   That's much better! My name's Selma, Selma Lina and I'm the palace cook. I'd really like to know your names but there are so many of you...I know. I'm going to count to 3 and then I want you all to shout out your name. Ready? 1..2..3

Audience   Shout names

Selma   Ah how lovely! I've always wanted to have a friend called gobbledegook! Now that we're all friends I can tell you all about our little village. Appletonia is such a lovely place to live-or it would be if it wasn't for the evil Queen. She's such a greedy Queen. She takes all the kingdoms money and keeps it all to herself. She never shares it with anyone, not even with her stepdaughter Princess Snow White. Poor Snow White! All the other Princesses spend all their time buying dresses and jewels  but not our Princess Snow White-she has to clean and mend and wear rags but she never complains and is always smiling

Candlestick   Snow White has the most lovely smile..

Butcher   That old Queen is just jealous

Bert      Snow White is far more beautiful than her

Florist      Oh look, here she is now

   Enter Snow White and Animals

Snow      Good morning everyone!

All      Good morning Snow White

Snow      Good morning Selma

Selma      Good morning your Highness

Snow      Oh Selma. You don't need to call me that. I hardly look like a princess.

Candlestick   You will always be a princess to us no matter what you wear.

Snow   Thank you so much but please call me Snow White. After all we are practically family

Selma   If you insist Your Highness I mean Snow White. Now what brings you to the village this morning?

Snow   I need to see Granny Smith the seamstress about the Queens dress for Gala day.

Selma      I hope that stepmother of yours is buying you a new dress too.

Snow      No of course not

Selma      Why that wicked woman! I'd like to tell her what I really think of her.

Snow   And what would that achieve? The Queen would lock you away and I would never see you again. Besides what would I need a fancy dress for when I have friends like you?

Selma      Your right as always Princess. How do you stay so cheerful?

SONG: TRUE LOVES KISS- SNOW WHITE AND ANIMALS

Granny   There you are Snow White. Please tell the Queen that her dress will be ready for the final fitting tomorrow. Oh and these ribbons are for you.

Snow       They really are beautiful...but I don't have any money

Granny   They are a gift-everyone in the village has paid for them. Besides everyone deserves something pretty.

Snow      Oh thank you everyone! (puts on ribbons) I'll wear them everyday!

   Everyone freezes. Stage lights go down. Queen enters SL in green spotlight   

Queen      Brand new ribbons
      Colourful and bright
      Pull around Snow White tight
      Take her breath, take her sigh
      Do your worst and make her die!
      Hahahahahahahaha!

   Queen exits-lights up Snow White starts to get uncomfortable. Prince enters

Granny      Are you ok Snow White? You've gone really pale.
   
   Snow White shakes head-somone pulls out a chair

Selma      Oh no! Snow Whites in trouble! Somebody help!

Crumble   Noble Prince let me help you see
      The way to set Snow White free

Prince      Let me through, let me through! I have a knife!

   Prince cuts her ribbons

Prince      Are you ok?

Snow       Yes thank you-I must have pulled my ribbons too tight

      Prince and Snow look into each others eyes

Both      Wow!

SONG:TRUE LOVES KISS Reprise-PRINCE AND SNOW

Snow      Thank you kind Sir for your help

Prince      I wonder...I'm new in town and I don't know my way around-could you give me a tour?

Snow      I would love to...but...I'm very sorry...I have to go...

Prince      but...

Snow      I'm so sorry...truly I am...

   Exit Snow White and Animals

Prince      but I don't even know your name

      Exit Prince. Enter Ivor Thorn

Ivor      Selma! Selma! Where is that stupid woman? Selma!

Selma      Yoohoo Ivor!

Ivor      Yoohoo Selma! Where have you been? It's 11am and the Queen will be expecting her lunch soon.

Selma      Stop fussing Ivor. My apple stew has been cooking for hours

Ivor       I wondered what that burning smell was

Selma      Burning? Oh cripes! Toodles!

All      Toodles Selma!
   
   Exit Selma

Ivor      That woman is a disaster area

   Enter Robb U Blind

Carpenter   Oh no! Its Robb U Blind!

Cider      Lets get out of here!

   Chorus exit rapidly

Robb      I would have thought you'd have better things to do than hang around here.

Ivor      I don't think that's any of your business do you

Robb      Listen Ivor Thorn

Ivor      It's a silent T

Robb      Whatever. I don't appreciate your tone. This is my town and you will do as I say

Ivor      Ohh don't get your knickers in a twist.

Robb      How dare you! The Queen will hear of your rudeness!

Ivor      I'm so scared-not! You may do the Queens bidding but you don't run this town yet. Besides no one prunes her roses like me so you can tell her all you want!

   Exit Ivor Lights go down. Spotlight on Robb

Robb      I may not run this town yet but I will do soon and then I will destroy you, I'll destroy you all! HAHAHA

SONG-OUT THERE (ROBB U BLIND)
   Lights out. Close ¾ curtains


SCENE 2 IF ¾

Bring on sign saying 'Magic Mirror' and table/chairs

Enter Jerry and Band

Toffee      So our advert for a new singer will definitely be in tomorrows paper?

Jerry   That's what I said isn't it (band nod). Jerry Fright, that's me, always keeps his word-on that you can depend.

Exit band enter Hark and Billy

Jerry   There you are Hark! What exciting news do you have for tomorrows edition?

Billy   Bert the baker has a new pie!

Jerry   (genuinely) Fantastic! That's front page news! Well done guys! Pats Billy on back Billy walks away happily  Seriously Hark-there must be something more exciting going on around here?

Hark   I would love to say yes...but no

Jerry    Where has all the scandal gone?

Hark   It appears all the popstars  are trying to make it big in Pearton and all the sports stars are too busy trying to win back their wives. Everyone else is too busy getting ready for the Royal Gala to cause any trouble.
Jerry   What about the who's hot and who's not list?

Hark   er..well..its complete but its going to need some serious editing. You see the Queen isn't going to like it

Jerry   Why not? She's still hot isn't she?

Hark   No I'm afraid she's not

Jerry   taking list What! So who's hot?

Hark   Snow White

Jerry   Oh no! We can't print that! The Queen will core and quarter us!

Hark   I know, I know....Hey what about we just change the 'hot' and 'not' columns? No one ever needs to know

Jerry   Brilliant Hark! This is why you're the 'Magic Mirror's' top reporter! But you will have to hurry-Robb U Blind will be here for the Queen's advance copy any minute!

Hark   I know! We can get our new friends to help us. Can you do that? Can you warn us when Robb U Blind shows up? You can? Brilliant. When you see Robb U Blind can you shout 'he's behind you'? You sure? Right lets practice Billy you pretend you're Robb U Blind so we can practice (they do) Fantastic! We are going to need you to help all our friends so can you keep a look out for him? Thanks guys!

Enter Prince Hark puts list on desk and gets distracted by Billy

Prince   Good morning. May I speak to the editor please?

Jerry   Jerry Fright at your service. How can I help you?

Prince   I desperately need to find a lady

Jerry   Really? Well there are several places I can recommend

Prince   I think you misunderstood me. I'm looking for a particular lady-one I met in the village today. She is as beautiful as the sun and I just have to meet her again

Jerry   The first buds of new love-how wonderful. Billy! Please take this young man's details for me

Billy   Yes Boss. Name

Prince   I don't know

Billy   You don't know your name? Everyone knows their name! Are you stupid or something?

Prince   No! I know my name. Its Prince Charming of Pearton Jerry and Hark look up shocked I just don't know her name

Jerry   Your highness! A thousand apologies for I did not recognise you in this humble office

Prince   There is honestly no need. I just need to find this lady.

Jerry   Of course Sire. Let me present Hark Kent the 'Magic Mirror's' top reporter. Can I get you anything? Apple tea? Apple juice?

Prince   No thank you enter Robb U Blind

Audience   He's behind you

Hark   Thanks kids

Robb   Fright! The Queens paper! And be quick about it! I don't have all day!

Jerry   Yes Mr Blind

Jerry exits Robb wonders round eavesdropping and picks up list and puts in pocket

Hark   So Your Highness, can you describe this mysterious woman for me?

Prince   She is an angel from heaven

Hark   Yes but what colour is her hair?

Prince   Her hair? Oh her hair is as black as ebony, her skin-as white as snow and her lips..oh her lips are as red as..as a rose

Billy   I know her-it's Snow White!

Prince   Snow White? What a lovely name! Where can I find her?

Billy   She lives at the Palace cos she's a Princess

Prince   A princess? How perfect! Thank you so much! I'll hail a horse and cart and make my way straight there!

Robb   There is no need for that Sire. My name is Robb U Blind and I'm a personal friend of the Queen's. In fact I'm heading up there shortly-may I give you a lift?

Prince   That would be very much appreciated. Thank you

Robb   to Jerry. The Queen's paper? Jerry gives paper-swap evil looks Your Highness

Prince and Robb exit

Jerry   Hark! Billy! I can feel a whopper of a story coming on! Follow them and make sure you get the exclusive! Hark and Billy start to leave And make sure you look out for Snow White-she's going to need all the help she can get

Hark/Billy   Yes Boss

Hark and Billy exit after Robb Jerry exits opposite way


SCENE 3 Queens Lair

Open ¾
Onstage Queen bangers mash and villagers

Butcher   So what we are trying to say is...

Baker   What with it being the Royal Gala..

Candlestick   And our expenses going up...

Florist   is whether you could possibly find it in your heart...

Carpenter   to give us an extra week or two..

Cider   to pay the rent..

Queen   No I think not. You have had a year to prepare for this. If you can't organise your finances that's your problem.

Mayor   But your majesty...

Queen   Enough! You will pay your rent on time or you will be finding somewhere else to live. Understood?

Chorus   Yes your Majesty

Queen   Now get out of my sight-you're making me nauseous.

Chorus exit escorted by Bangers and Mash

Have you thought of a team up with our Mayor and doing a play about Werewolves?

[Frank]

If you've got a journalist as one of your main characters I hope you're going to work in some jokes about phone hacking and the Leveson inquiry, Doc. I'm not sure how you'd incorporate any of the production's running gags about fruit into that scenario, though - maybe if the pie Rupert Murdoch took to the face had been an apple crumble?

[The Doctor Alt 8]

If I had written it I would have done.

but no... Something like that is far to... Intellectual for my lot.

[Ancient Otter]

North Carolina nearly nuked.

[TordelBack]

There's a bird outside my window that is making the exact noise a laptop HDD makes just before it dies.  I may need counselling by the end of the day.  Or a shotgun.