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Author Topic: The Letters Beast - Online!  (Read 38836 times)

sheridan

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #195 on: 07 September, 2021, 12:55:32 PM »
Whaaa? I could pull a better logo out of my aaaaAnd welcome back to


He seems such a sweet boy when he's on the telly and everything!


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He was previously seen in Prog 2165 in a letter that possibly had fewer clichés, but we can’t check our garage data file, what with being locked down and all.


You're not allowed to go from the house to the garage?  Lockdown rules are strict up there!



Proudhuff

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #196 on: 08 September, 2021, 11:55:32 AM »
Its the Shell garage down the road, and he's still in the pokey... check out the bars of the windows of his last pic post!
DDT did a job on me

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #197 on: 08 September, 2021, 10:06:54 PM »



Quote
You're not allowed to go from the house to the garage?  Lockdown rules are strict up there!

Beast Towers is a penthouse flat two floors above the sub-level garage. Any attempt to access would result in an attack from Der Fuhrer's shock troops.

SmallBlueThing(Reborn)

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #198 on: 09 September, 2021, 08:49:22 AM »
Speaking of this week's letters page, I did think Tharg's comment about "pastiches of seventies comics" was a little on the nose considering the current small press landscape, and two of the three comics that sprung to mind as being explicitly exactly that- were created by ex-Thargs.

SBT

norton canes

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #199 on: 10 September, 2021, 04:01:43 PM »
More on the Regened topic next (make it stop!) from Andy Currington on Lancaster who wisely suggests that Tharg start a separate comic to cater for older readers and call it ‘Degened’. Brilliant! Nearly as clever as the last time this was floated by an unnamed Paisley lettersmith who suggested the title be the less obvious ‘Blue Harbour Genes’. You had to have been there. This is Andy’s first letter to see print but that’s no excuse! He trails in the wake of Lancaster’s ‘Mr Letters’ Austin ’Officer’ Dibble who has seven scores to tell the cats about, the last being in 2017’s Prog 2061

Aha! I knew there was a thread on the forum somewhere which commented on readers' letters. I think if anything it's even more of a thrill being mentioned here than it is getting my first missive actually published.

As I mentioned in the prog review thread I thought TMO gave me pretty short shrift in his reply, though the tongue-in-cheek nature of my title probably didn't help. I'll be sure to say hi to Officer Dibble next time I bump into him.

How long does one normally have to wait until one's complimentary graphic novel arrives..?

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #200 on: 10 September, 2021, 07:16:19 PM »

How long does one normally have to wait until one's complimentary graphic novel arrives..?

Once again this thread delivers! Letter writers arrive at the watering hole with breathy excitement. Welcome Andy, or Norton to give you your non-letter name.

To answer your question- you should have had it by now. When I get one in, the graphic novel normally appears with or before the Prog that publishes the letter. Sometimes I feel it's a bit of a spoiler to see the familiar handwriting on the envelope - 'guess I got one in this week' I say to the long suffering wife.

Well done on your great success!

norton canes

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #201 on: 24 September, 2021, 09:29:40 AM »
It arrived! And mercy me, it's Mercy Heights. Which is at least something I haven't read, running as it did during my 27-year prog-lapse.

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #202 on: 26 September, 2021, 09:30:09 AM »
It arrived! And mercy me, it's Mercy Heights. Which is at least something I haven't read, running as it did during my 27-year prog-lapse.

Mercy, Mercy me! At least it's new to you!

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #203 on: 06 October, 2021, 08:28:09 PM »

The great letters crisis of 2021 continues unabated. There are reports of people panic writing and stockpiling missives to Tharg. The army have been called in to ensure that letters are delivered and the government has appealed for calm whilst raising the price of stamps.

Here at LETTERSENTERTAINYOU we have basked in the warmth of our many unpublished letters and remember fondly the days when the Magazine printed three pages worth along with Preacher reprints just to fill the thing up.  Don’t worry, we get a mighty injection of SEVEN letters in Prog 2252 with Tharg scraping his barrel and printing any old toot.

First up in the Letter of the Week slot is Marcus Hanford of emailland. Interestingly (term used advisedly) the last letter printed in the last Input page was also from a Marcus;  in that case the Nyahow variety. We’ve not had this many Marcuses since ‘Eldorado’ went two nights a week! This Marcus dressed up as Tharg to run a race and sent in photographic proof. What a rubbish outfit! Our effort including mother’s brooch as a Rosette of Sirius was far more authentic!  Tharg lazily asks if Marcus finished the race. We’ll Google that for you Tharg - Yes he did, in 2.04:15 finishing in 2498th position. We’ll done him, especially as he must have been towing a caravan with that time. Excuse us, just getting another cream bun…

This is Marcus’  4th letter to see print with him previously seen in Prog 2033 following a Letter of the Week debut in 2010’s Prog 1696. He has a rival in his Bristol hometown in the shape of Ella Handford who had a letter  printed in Prog 2033 with a “photo of a little girl”. We’re guessing a relative.

Newbie writer Dave Marsden  of Salisbury next. We went there once and found this lovely perfummmm…. Dave joins Elizabeth of Maidstone in the ‘Marsden 1 letter printed gang’ with Lizzy’s offering appearing in Meg 151 (V3.48). Dave talks about a ‘Sacs Magiques’ which of course is (back to Google) a magic bag. He takes exception to two such receptacles appearing in consecutive thrills. Clearly Dave is a new reader and not used to tropes and themes. Or in other words the cookie cutter can only work so much and so fast Dave!

The Chris Browning version of a good letter next which is sadly a bit of a gusher. Chris likes it all; which is fair enough really. Black and white, cartoony  - spidery - he loves the lot. We do prefer a bit of nit picking or bitching in our letters, but if Chris is happy we all should be too. Even if we can’t always follow stuff or it looks a bit busy. Chris knows the score however, with this being his 18th letter to see print. This effort takes him up to joint 16th on the Beast letters board with erstwhile scribe Kevin Hall, who we last saw in Prog 2034 in 2017 when he had moved from East Lothian to County Antrim never to be seen again - in the letters pages at any rate!

Pipe down in front, it’s time for the debut offering of Steven Pipe of Swindon. He makes it a Pipe party with Carwyn of Gillingham who had her moment in the pipe smoke in Prog 767 in 1992. Steven’s letter reads like a report card with the quality of Tharg’s offering being deemed “Very High” with the droids doing “Sterling work”. He thanks Tharg for his “ Hard Work” and “Expresses Gratitude” for the Damage Report text. Stick that in your Pipe and smoke it!

Colin of Ireland is ‘King ‘ for a day next as he enjoys possibly his first letters outing. We do have a Colin King of Romford gracing Prog 154 but the Irish version will need to claim that one given the distance rules the Beast employs. It’s impressive if it is him as Kings can only move one square at a time! Chess joke there for all the brainiacs out there. There was also a Rodney King who had letters in Progs 1592, 1764 and 2013 but he hasn’t been seen since. No doubt the LAPD caught up with him. Colin likes the podcasts and everything that Tharg sees fit to print, which is good to hear.

Tristan Fitzgerald of Emailland takes the penultimate spot in his second outing following his 2007debut in Prog 1552. At that time he went with ‘Tris’ - wise change there Tristan - don’t be ashamed at being named after the speccy kid in ‘George & Mildred’. Tristan is on the lookout for John Smith whom we met in the bar of the 40th anniversary gathering. He was a bit tired and emotional then but weren’t we all! Oh happy days, no masks and viruses were things that infected our laptops when we tried to watch  a funny cat video, honestly dear. Sadly Tharg says John Smith is away doing something else but you can still buy his wares in the shop.

Finally, we get to the end. Comment ‘ratchet set’ if you are still here! Last up is Jonathan Fisher  of Nord Ireland. We read his letter with an Ian Paisley shouty voice in our heads and for that we apologise. Actually, THERE WILL BE NO APOLOGY! Anyway when we read this we’d planned lots of frog puns but after some detailed research we found that the frog was in fact Jeremy not Jonathan.

Anyway this one was a bit green about the gills and we hope it won’t spawn a sequel. It was really amphibiboring  and it seems like a Frenchman has had the best bits. Sorry but we’re not wasting Grade A material like that. This is Jonathan’s (ribbit) 8th letter to see print with his first, a Letter of the Week no less, appearing in 2008’s Prog 1606. Jonathan goes flat out and  sticks his long tongue over Tharg’s ‘Regened’ issues - he hates them he does! He want’s more killings - well he is from Northern Ireland - and hates this ‘stomm’. Not as tasty as a nice fly is it Jeremy, er, Jonathan?

Overall a good outing here with some saccharine stuff offset with a brickbat at the end. 7 letters is a recent record letter haul and, despite increasing our workload, we do prefer the pithier and the to the point offerings.

Right off to queue for some envelopes and to fight off those who crave our precious letters.


Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #204 on: 17 November, 2021, 12:34:54 PM »


And we’re back. We took the last letters page off as it was mostly new writers and two people with a measly 3 letters printed. No meat for the grinder there. Amazingly no one noticed or complained - what a patient audience! Prog 2258 saw a decent offering of five letters in the inside back page. In a desperate bid to stay relevant we have jumped on a pop cultural bandwagon once again and present the Letterentertainyou Squid Game. OK this was popular a month ago and has now been done to death, but just be grateful it’s not Cobra Kai. That’s booked for next month.

Our poorly thought out format is to test each letter against a playground game of yester year - who will win the 40 Wan? and who will be the one that stabs himself in the neck at the end?

We kick off with the classic ‘Dog Shit on a Stick’ and trying to avoid getting it on his school bag is Louis Carter of Emailland. We know from his previous six letters that Louis lives in York having originally hailed from Cornwall from where he penned his fist two letters which appeared in Progs 1220 and 1443. He then went to York where his next missive appeared exactly 100 Progs later in 1523. Of his seven letters this is his first to achieve Letter of the Week status.

Louis practices the old bait and switch and starts off by slagging several thrills. He gets quite angry before coming around 180 degrees - its all fine! The rubbish is there for idiots to enjoy whilst he can revel in his more cerebral thrills. He dresses it up so that Tharg buys in and agrees that basically he’ll print what he likes and we can live with it. Fair enough, but that should be no excuse for sub par content. With his messy argument Louis does not avoid the shitty stick and heads home to hose down his Head bag with his head hung low.

Next up and playing ‘Chap door run away’ is Kevin Foakes of that London. There will be some ‘Foakes Singing’ tonight as Kevin celebrates his 10th published letter and gains entrance to the Beast scoreboard with the coveted ¬¬¬ designator. Kevin boasts 7 Prog letters (2 L of W) and 3 Meg hits. He first appeared when living in Reigate in 1988’s Prog 557 giving him an impressive 33 year letter footprint. Prior to this offering he was previously seen  with a Letter of the Week offering in the recent Prog 2216. He enters the Beast all time list in bottom place, 38th=.

Kevin’s letter is a miserable affair - he confirms his letters longevity by saying he’s been reading for 40 years - rest those eyes Kevin! He really hates the Regened Progs but comes across a bit of a curmudgeon stating that as a subber he doesn’t want to pay for these. Bloody kids, bring back ‘Big Dave’ like the good old days! Sadly Kevin’s zimmer topples over as he escapes from the door knocking and gets a quick kick in the arse for his troubles.

Paul Tapner of Poole next taking on the always arduous test of  ‘Kiss, Cuddle or Torture’. The Tap Man  scores his 11th Beast hit with this offering and takes himself up the Leader Board to the heady heights of  32nd =. Paul was last seen in this year’s Prog 2234 and has no Letters of the Week and only one Megazine letter to boast about. It is actually become a boast as Megazine letters are as rare as rocking horse shit these days.

Red Paul is a union rep and keen to keep the brothers united. Better get a leaflet round to the Foakes household then Tap Shoes. He doesn’t really state his feelings on the Regened Progs but he supports the initiative. A worthy sentiment but we draw the line if we get a Paw Patrol crossover and some colouring in. Paul chooses ‘Kiss’ in his Squid game but is sadly eliminated when it’s a Glasgow kiss and he ends up as red as his politics.

Nick Black “chimes” in next from his lair in Newhaven. The Dark One draws the unenviable game of ’Shite Alight’ and we have to worry about his fate. Nick  was last seen in 2019’s Prog 2162 giving him a total of two - but wait! We also have a Nick Black from Edgeware who scored in Prog 225 waaaay back in 1981. The ‘40 year’ rule applies here so Nick will need to lay claim to this one if he wants at ascent to the heady heights of having three confirmed letters published.

Nick makes some valid comments and articulates well his thoughts that new strips suit the Regened Progs better than toned down versions of the originals. We agree, but Tharg isn’t so sure - is it a 2000ad Prog with no Dredd, Rogue or Dog? Speaking of dog, Nick panics and stamps on his own flaming bag of dog turds and gets  mess all over his new pair of Hi-Tech Squash. His Mum will be livid.

Last up is man of three surnames Forrest Dylan Bryant of USA, Stateside. Forrest draws ‘British Bulldogs’ and has the big tub of cash in his sights.  This is Forrest’s first letter and only the second ‘Forrest’ ever to see print following A. Forrest’s outing in Prog 46. We were going to reprint the content of that letter here but couldn’t see it for the trees.

American Forrest writes a garbled note infused with cycles and functions. You do get genuine energy from it as he gasps enthusiastically about all and sundry. Tharg has always liked American things and is grateful to close on a no holds barred love fest. It is nice to see someone “enthralled”, “eager” and “overjoyed” but it’s not the British way and predictably enough Forrest gets trampled in the playground frenzy meaning the Lettersentertainyou Squid Game prize inevitably falls back into their dark coffers.

Tune in again next time where it’ll probably be ‘I’m a Celebrity’ if we can be bothered.


Proudhuff

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #205 on: 17 November, 2021, 01:14:47 PM »
Shocked and stunned not to see a Step Hen in there.
DDT did a job on me

norton canes

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #206 on: 18 November, 2021, 02:22:08 PM »
Louis practices the old bait and switch and starts off by slagging several thrills. He gets quite angry before coming around 180 degrees - its all fine! ... With his messy argument Louis does not avoid the shitty stick and heads home to hose down his Head bag with his head hung low

Yeah I'm not sure I get the point of his argument either. He seems to want have his cake and eat it and bake it and shit it out; in fact, to enjoy simultaneously the benefits of all stages of cake.

CrazyFoxMachine

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #207 on: 18 November, 2021, 04:39:26 PM »
I bring a response from Louis Carter which comes in from the wildlands off the forum:

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Hi all,

For some reason, I haven't been able to log on for years now, so I'm asking Owen to post this for me.

I certainly didn't mean to come across as angry. The subject of my email when I sent it to Tharg was "A satirical letter about  the regened argument." With hindsight, given that so many regened nay-sayers come across as angry to me, it was perhaps inevitable that I would come across as angry when trying to emulate them. Oh well.

The point of my argument is that no 2 readers will agree on which thrills are good. And this is an intrinsic part of the prog.

There are people saying that the regened progs are shit and Tharg should stop publishing them.

If they get their way, I would like to get mine too, hence asking for the cancelling of Thrills that I'm not that into.

But that's not going to happen, because some people *do* like them. I don't get their tastes, and I'm sure others don't get mine. My tastes include a general appreciation of the regened prog (I generally like the new stuff, I think we could do without Cadet Dredd and the kidyfying of other old school stuff).

So I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it, I'm saying that everyone eats different parts of the cake. My tastes vary wildly from many on this forum. If many of the reviewers in the review threads had their way, I'd probably have stopped reading the prog long ago.

That's the nature of anthologies, is something often said on this forum, but it's something that seems to be forgotten when the regenes roll round.

Also, Tharg edited a sentence out of my letter. This sentence addresses Buttonman's point that even the multiple slices of cake argument is no excuse for sub-par content.

After saying that there is so much prog to enjoy, I point out that much of it is Skip Tracer, and we should all gang up on that instead. Even my easy-goingness have a limit. I don't know how people are arguing so much about regened, when ST surely takes up more page space per year.

I'm happy to be proven wrong on the maths there, it could just be a perception thing. I'm also happy to admit that  ST's author is obviously well skilled at the one thing Tharg values above all other, in that they produce scripts that tell a story, to a deadline. With everyone having such diverse tastes, I think that's all that Tharg can really ask for of his writers.

Richard

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #208 on: 18 November, 2021, 06:22:57 PM »
I thought that was pretty clear in the original letter, and it deserved to be the star letter.

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #209 on: 21 November, 2021, 11:41:33 PM »
Some great cake based debate here - thanks for bringing Louis to the fold Crazyfox . Of course all comments are tongue in cheek and Louis' points were well made although the cake analogy is stretched somewhat. Please relay our thanks for his feedback Crazyfox and suggest he gets a log in so he can offer his abuse from close range.