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The Black Dog Thread

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JayzusB.Christ:
Some unexpectedly brilliant mental health advice here. (Not all of it of course).

https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2022/04/27/whats-the-weirdest-advice-youve-heard-that-is-strangely-effective-30-proper-game-changers/

Jade Falcon:
Depression seems to be getting worse again.  I have an old 2006 VW Golf, a couple of months ago I spent a bit trying to solve water leakage problems that were coming into the drivers and passengers front footwell.  Now, it's back, making me feel that the money spent was a total waste.

Add to that I just feel down.  I started going to a local church after going to a jobclub being run from there.  I got friendly with a woman there, and a few times offered to give her a lift home when she had missed her bus or the weather wasn't great.  I wasn't trying to come on to her and I said that basically I just wanted some friendship (she has a boyfriend anyway), but now, I seem to be getting the cold shoulder or maybe I'm just imagining it.

I'm not really particularly enjoying the voluntary work at the hospice, to be honest I miss the book shop, both browsing in it and working in it because I'm such a book nerd.  I'm still REALLY pissed about being banned unjustly.  I can't seem to focus my mind on anything very easily, and although I've read a few graphic novels I can't seem to focus on any of my actual fiction novels.  There's an art club apparently going to start but not till autumn this year and every day is just empty and meaningless.

Still finding it very hard to get a proper sleep pattern.  I don't think there would be much point going to the doctors as I imagine the first thing offered would be sleeping pills, which on top of all I take anyway is just not desirable.  I just find existence meaningless and if I could find a quick way out tomorrow would probably elect for it.

Tjm86:
Must be something in the air, Jade.  I had a meltdown yesterday on the way in to work (trying again, had a few good weeks ...) and had to pull over the car.  Even then I couldn't bring it back down, certainly not enough to risk a day in work.  In the end I managed to fetch in and told them I'd been sick on the way in (kind of true ...) so they sent me home.

So, it's very easy to understand how you feel about the book shop situation.  That's not the sort of thing you shake off easily, especially as it was something that gave you so much.  It might also explain why you're sensitive to the way this lass has been behaving.  Even if it is nothing and you're seeing things through the lens of your experiences, it's still difficult.

Churches can be funny places, too.  They're incredibly open to new faces to start off with at times.  Everyone is almost effusive in their greetings.  Then you become a familiar face and there's almost a sense of "job done" but where do you fit?  In some respects that's when you find out how genuinely welcome the place is.  Not to mention finding out how many members have as many problems as yourself!

I know you say that the docs are probably not going to be much use going back to (or even getting an appointment with right now ...) but given the symptoms you describe it might be worth it.  I know that the last time I started making some of the comments you've included here I was told that this came under their heading of crisis even though I didn't think so myself.

In the meantime though could you please keep checking in here?  Just so we can support you through this.  Remember, we're crap at advice, don't have the first clue about how to manage mental health problems (mis-management ... now that we're experts at!) are about as medically qualified as barber surgeons and are prone to off-the-wall jokes that are about as amusing as watching Nadine Dorries gazing longingly at Johnson (okay, that is funny in a rather disturbing kind of way).

What we can do though is be here for you.  Lend an ear.  Help you sift through thoughts if you want.  Talk complete and utter crap.  Argue the minutae of Dredd until your brain oozes  out of your ears.  Whatever ...

Take care, pal.

Dark Jimbo:

--- Quote from: Tjm86 on 18 May, 2022, 06:48:06 AM ---In the meantime though could you please keep checking in here?  Just so we can support you through this.  Remember, we're crap at advice, don't have the first clue about how to manage mental health problems (mis-management ... now that we're experts at!) are about as medically qualified as barber surgeons and are prone to off-the-wall jokes that are about as amusing as watching Nadine Dorries gazing longingly at Johnson (okay, that is funny in a rather disturbing kind of way).

What we can do though is be here for you.  Lend an ear.  Help you sift through thoughts if you want.  Talk complete and utter crap.  Argue the minutae of Dredd until your brain oozes  out of your ears.  Whatever ...

Take care, pal.

--- End quote ---

Very much this. I don't have any solutions to offer for anything, but please feel that you always have a place here to vent, or complain, or just dump a load of feelings. I may not comment much, but I do read, and I do sympathise, for whatever little that is worth.

Tjm86:
Okay, so I'm not going to go with my usual round of garbage here.  Or maybe it is.  What I mean is that I just want to recount a few things and see where they lead.

So, the last decade has been 'interesting' to say the least, what with trying to get to grips with legacy issues and all.  This has led to total burnout, an imploding career and unemployment.  Fortunately the latter was on the heels of a relatively generous redundancy offer that for some strange reason my erstwhile employer did not want to acknowledge as 'redundancy' (perhaps they should have thought about that before putting it in writing but hey ho ...).

An offer from another employer seemed to offer hope but 8 months on it turned out that 'vetting' turned me down.  So of a sudden it was back to being totally f*****.  Trying to find alternative employment at this age has turned out to be a bit more of a challenge.  Consequently a return to the 'career' that has led to this impasse was called for (teaching).

First attempt worked okay until another burnout situation.  Needed to walk before implosion.

Second attempt led to 'underemployment'  (tip:  don't try working as a TA when you've got teaching experience ...)  Okay for a while until the 'cost of living crisis' escalated.

Third attempt is still ongoing.  Shift from secondary to primary (including nursery and infants).  To say that the kids are carrying baggage is to be generous in the extreme.  Current school's response was "what, you want to come back?" which was a little disturbing to say the least.  To say that some of the classes I've been working with are 'interesting' is more than a little generous.

What I find myself reflecting on more than anything is how much I've learnt in such a short space of time.  Today I was accused of being "the most understanding teacher" a child had encountered.  Baffling to say the least.  The difference that being considered an utter failure makes though ... It is liberating to be able to focus on the kids needs, knowing that no-one has any positive opinion about me.  I'm a supply teacher.  If the kids aren't killing each other that's a bonus (and yes I know how disturbing that idea is).  I find myself reflecting on a line from Band of Brothers about a soldier needing to accept that they are dead ...

Something about our culture is fundamentally wrong.  Always having to 'improve' but within a very narrow set of parameters.  I would say that I utterly failed as a teacher today on one level but massively succeeded on another level as a human being.  Which one is more important?

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