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Useless trivia:

BRASS MONKEY

In the middle ages, ships were heavily laden with food, water and cargo. Obviously, it was all stowed below decks. However, to be sure that the loading was even and didn't cause the ship to list to one side, an "n" shaped set of brass balls were hung from a spike on the deck, through two holes in the deck floor, so that they could be seen below. This created a kind of artificial horizon for the men below; if the balls shifted one way then they could tell they were causing the ship to list.

However, when it got very cold the wood in the deck would contract and snap off the balls. Hence the expression, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

The highest possible break in a frame of snooker is not 147, but is 155 (free ball, black, then a clerance).

Sex
MALE.

Likes/Dislikes
PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

Favourite Film/TV Prog
DOCTOR WHO (NOT AS ENIGMATIC AS ME, BUT CLOSE)

Favourite Music
THE CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT (WHAT SWEET MUSIC THEY MAKE)

Favourite Sexual Position. You HAVE to answer this :)
ANY WITH MRS X

Most embarrassing moment
WHEN THE ELECTRICITY METER RAN OUT JUST AS I WAS RE-ANIMATING A CORPSE. MESSY, VERY MESSY.

And anything else you can think of.
EVERY POST I MAKE TO THIS BOARD, AND EVERY E-MAIL I SEND TO ANYONE, CONTAINS A SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE. BY READING THEM YOU ARE SLOWLY BEING PROGRAMMED TO BE MY MANCHURIAN CANDIATES. YOU SHALL BE MY ARMY. WHEN I GIVE THE SIGNAL YOU SHALL RISE UP AND OVERTHROW YOUR HOMES AND PLACES OF WORK IN MY NAME. YOU CANNOT RESIST. IT IS TOO LATE FOR YOU. THE WORLD WILL BE MINE!

By way of example, when I was a kid I'd go into Boots and mess about on the electric typewriters they had on sale. But instead of typing "Master X was here", I'd put "If you read this, I will kill you and your family tonight" and similar messages. Then I'd go look at the ZX spectrum games and watch the old dears and shop staff read what was there, do a double take, and then wander off with feigned nonchalance. Arf! It still makes me smile, but no one else finds this amusing in the slightest. Anyone?

I must confess that I've never heard of Scream. Is sounds too scary for someone of my delicate disposition. I shudder to think how warped I might have turned out if I'd had access to this sort of nightmare-inducing material.

I was a young lad in the days of the VHS/ Beta battle and at the peak of video nasties. It was an explosive mix, especially as my parents let me and my brother watch anything as long as it didn't have too much sex in it (naughty scenes were fast forwarded). I think they took this approach because I read 2000ad.

Anyway, as a child the following "classics" scared the bejesuz out of me:

The Manitou (red indian spirit turns everyday objects into animated killers)

The Entity (still quite good)

The Evil Dead (saw the uncut version at 10, with my brother, and was so freaked out when the woman gets stabbed in the ankle with the pencil that I left the house and walked round the block)

Death Planet (this scared the shit out me big time. It's about a planet that drags spaceships down onto it and then you die in various unusual ways. I think it was hit and if anyone knows anything about it, I would like to see it again. And laugh).

Every Hammer film.

As a teen, the most uncomfortable film I saw was Something WIcked This Way Comes. This is as good as Bradbury's book, stars Jonathon Pryce and was made by Disney of all things (although it was deemed too creepy and distrubuted by Buena Vista, which is Disney's other film conmpany). It's an underatted classic. Check it out - it crops up on Channel 4 about once a year. And read the book if you haven't already.

As an adult, the Exorcist still scares me. Maybe it's cos I'm a Catholic - but I think it's more to do with atmosphere. You see, I find films more scary now if they are tense. As a result, the film I was most frightened at as an adult (and this is no joke) was Star Trek: First Contact!

Just a few of the rhymes in my valentine cards:-


Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
 
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
 
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the
roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
 
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
 
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
 
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
 
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
 
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
 
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE!

Sorry - can't get that song out my head

Morning all. It's Friday. I have a shed load of work to do. So, the obvious thing to do is add to this thread.

Two bits of dirt are in a pub.
"I could take on anyone," says the first.
"What about him?" asks the other, pointing at a bit of gravel.
"Well, not him - he's a psycho path"

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Why are Polo mints afraid to fight Tunes?
'Cos Tunes are pure menthol.

I'd just like to add that I vehemently detest any advert which is dubbed from a foreign language into English in the most pish-poor fashion. Current culprits: any Danone yogurt (and, BTW, whoever decided that selling bacteria as good for you, even if it is true, should be shot) and the advert from Singapore (I think) for bog air freshener.

I'm not against recyled adverts, and not xenophobic enough to think we should have our own. It's the shite quality dubbing that annoys me.

That one with some bloke called Tanner who had a metal arm.

So bad I can't remember it's name.