THIS MEANS WAR! The 5th 2000ad Online Short Story Competition.

[Kerrin]

YOU 'ORRIBLE LITTLE MAN!

LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT....ATTEN....SHUN!

EYES FRONT! Pin back your lug'oles, and stand by for a briefing from Major Dounreay...

Front and centre, trooper!

To celebrate me scoring a copy of "Inglorious B-----ds" for £3 from Tesco at the weekend and cos I've got an idea I'm trying to pin down, the theme for next month is: War Stories.

No restrictions other than the story must be set in the 2000AD multiverse and some sort of conflict must be going on (and I'm not talking some sort of angsty, conflict of emotions here, kiddies).

Take your pick from the many wars that have graced the pages of 2000AD or make up your own. Civil wars, cold wars, secret wars, gang wars, as long as there are two sides kicking off against each other.

I'll throw in a minor prize too, since you need to be fighting for something.

The winner can have the pick of a selection of graphic novels from House of Tharg (Any one of Strontium Dog:Early Case/Devlin Waugh/Halo Jones/Bad Company) or a box of assorted Heroclics. (Unless you live overseas, in which can you'll have to make do with the thrill of winning as I'm not shipping this stuff all over Hell and creation).

OK you grunts, move out and give em Hell.

RIGHT! You heard the hoffi-sah, 500 words or less, as close to understandable Queen's english as you miscreants can manage, and you had better have it done by 20:00 hrs Monday the 16th of November (that's 8pm for any of you effete, gusset sniffing civilians who can't tell time in a proper military fashion), OR ELSE!

Well don't stand there gawpin', like you never wrote a short story before you 'orrible little specimen, GEDONWITHIT!!

LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT....

[locustsofdeath!]

Sally forth!

This promises to be a fun comp, can't wait til the entries start rolling in.

[COMMANDO FORCES]

You know I might just try and write a story for this, seeing as I have loads of free time at work!

[Mike Gloady]

With the exception of coming here and reading the prog, I've not had any real sizable chunks of spare time for months and months and months (none of which I'd swap for even a second) so I've not been able to enter this OR the art compos.  This month, however, I will be at least attempting to. 

It's all dependent on getting a killer idea for this one (I'm quite confident I'll be able to produce at least a sub-standard doodle for the art compo but creative writing is harder for me).

So good luck to everyone and I look forward to being able to field an entry.

[Zarjazzer]

what a grand idea. well done (Major) Dounreay!

Expendable pawn zarjazzer

[Kerrin]

You know I might just try and write a story for this, seeing as I have loads of free time at work!

I thought this might be up your street Mr.Forces, what with a great subject from Dounreay in this comp, and an absolute belter from Jim in the art comp, this is shaping up to be a month to remember.

[Van Dom]

Engaging creative warp-drive --- NOW!
I've got absolutely nothing on this at this point ---- but with a 12 hr flight to Tokyo in a week or so (sans kids and missus, who are flying out ahead on saturday) I plan to put that time to good use and come up with something.
Good luck to all and let your creative juices flow!!!!

[Dounreay]

I'm chuffed the competion looks to be so popular this month and what an introduction from Kerrin. I almost jumped to attention to read it. (Mental image of Kerrin is now Windsor Davies with all the humanity beaten out of him.)

I've just been supping an ale and pondering on re-reading some Sven Hassel for a bit of research when the thought popped in "What was the eventual fate of Kurt Hellman (of Hammer Force)?"

It was only a small step from there to the closing weeks of the war, Hellman and a team of grim Volks Grenadiers fighting a losing cat and mouse battle with a crack squad of Red Guards led by a ruthless commissar, only for both to fall prey to a coven of vampires. Cue an uneasy alliance, an old Russian priest who knows of the creatures of the night and many quips along the lines of "And what advice does Comrade Stalin give for battling the undead?"

Nah, I couldn't do it in 500 words.

Anyway, what did happen to old Hellman in the end?

[Kerrin]

I believe he was demobbed, and went back to running the family mayonnaise business.

[mogzilla]

we posting em on here?

[Kerrin]

Yep, this is the place to post an entry for the comp Mogzilla. Looking forward to reading it.

I've had a few ideas for this, there's so many brilliantly created conflicts to choose from in the Tooth pantheon.

[Alski]

Okay, I'll start things off with:

Mummy's Little Boy

As I watch, Lester decapitates a Boonian with his laser saw. It's all I can do not to clap, he does it so well. Next to me, Nigel sits with a huge smile on his face, both thumbs up in appreciation. Mind you, he hasn't got much choice as I had him stuffed three years ago after his sky surfing accident.

Back on screen, Lester ploughs through a few more Boonain farmers with his laser saw, shouting "This one's for you, Mum" as he cuts the last one in half at the waist. The camera on his helmet is a little jerky, of course, but he stands nice and still so I can see the guts slide out of the alien's body. Such a good boy.

I really don't understand these Bonnians. Everyone knows that if Mega City offers you a trade agreement then "agreement" is the key word. They started getting fussy, so the Judges sent over boys like my Lester to teach them the folly of arguing with the Meg. We can't exist on Grot Pots alone, you know.

Lester stops to set fire to a Boonian farm hut, and I watch it go up a treat, sending black smoke spiralling into the sky. I hope he's being careful out there, because everyone knows those aliens carry all sorts of disease they could give to decent people. I mean, what if he comes back with Mork Flu or something? I know they can cure it, but I don't ever like the thought of my precious little boy getting jabbed with sharp, nasty needles.

I remember well when my Lester was born, he was such a tiny thing. The medi-droid told us he wouldn't live past 6 months then packed us on our way. Well, I wasn't having any of that, so I gave him some Flabb-On, not to mention a few other substances that we probably shouldn't tell the Judges about. It worked a treat, though, and he's now a strapping six footer currently tearing his way through a Boonian farming community.

Onscreen, Lester is thrown through the air by some kind of mortar fire, and my heart jumps to my throat. He soon stands up, though, giving a thumbs up to the helmet camera to let me know he is okay. Next thing I know he's raised his lazooka and has blown a distant gun emplacement to tiny Boonian pieces, laughing that big, infectious laugh of his.

From there on it's just the cleaning up to do, and I follow Lester as he uses his laser saw to make sure that all the enemies are dead before sharing a well deserved pot of sythi-caf with his comrades. It's so nice of him to send he this vid slug, as he knows I always miss him more on his birthday. Hopefully this will all be sorted out by next year, and I can watch him turn twelve right in front of me. Mummy's little boy...

[Zarjazzer]

Brilliant stuff emceehamster. A good read.

[Kerrin]

That's freakin' ace MC Hammy, what a story to kick the comp off with. Great stuff.

[locustsofdeath!]

Done with my first draft, still a few words over the limit but hope to have it here in a couple of days! Can't wait to read some more entries - great job hamster!