2000 AD Online Forum

Though in this case it's actually a comic-book, but one that might potentially have the fate of the British Isles hanging upon it!*

We're looking for people to write us letters for the Action Stations Winter Special that should be ready in the next month or so, and we want you, the general public, to write them. We want people to send us their awful letters and childlike fan art to PonySchool@gmail.com or just post it on this thread, and base it around one of our many regular strips, including:

-Pony School
-Magical Mindy
-Misty the Teen Detective
-Tammy the Teenage Housemaid
-Bee Academy
-Princess Daisy
-Wild West Wendy
-Sergeant Typhoon
-Destroy all Japs!
-Gun Patrol
-Death Warrent
-Major Smokie
-Death Camp Jones
-Jack the Fighting Sambo
-Jock Wars
-The White Samurai

It genuinely doesn't matter that you haven't read or seen any of these titles - neither have we. Just send us a short letter or hurridly rushed scribble of what you think your chosen strip might be about, preferably something negative, and you could be up for getting the coverted Star Letter position. Whoever manages to achieve that lofty height will win themselves a fabulous prize of mystery, which I can't elaborate too much on right now, but Bryan'll be along in a bit with more information.

We want to hear from you, the Great British public, who are bitter enough to spend their working days wandering aimlessly round the interweb, even if it's just to tell us how much we suck.

Drop us a line today. You know that it probably doesn't make sense.










*You never know, the next Hitler might be reading it and choke to death on the noxious printing fumes. Well, it could happen!

I can only assume that titles such as "Destroy all Japs!" and "Jack the Fighting Sambo" have been created to be deliberately provocative, in an oh-so-terribly amusing post-modern fit of supposedly intellectual derring-do.

No, it's not 'intellectual' at all.

It is provocative, though.  It seems rather racist, on the surface.  I suppose I'm missing the point, am I?

I rather think you are, yes.
If you consider it racist, you might do well to avoid things like Big Dave, Fawlty Towers, Alf Garnett, The Office, The League of Gentlemen, and many other comedy series as well.

Or alternatively buy them, and then just throw them in the bin in an act of wilfull disgust.

You'll note that all the examples you give have opted for titular sublety and, with the possible exemption of Alf Garnett, do not consist solely of satirical racism.  Thus the confusion.

For example, Big Dave is not called "White Supremist Yob's Adventures" and Fawlty Towers is not called "My Spanish Waiter Is Stupid".

In the context in which the list at the top of this thread is presented, it's not completely clear whether it's advertising earnest or satirical content.  

Good to know it's the latter.

I assume this is a wind-up?

Damn, you mean this ain't www.whitesupremecyforallaryanpeoples.com?

Hitch up yer britches, paw! We's in Injun country!

I assume this is a wind-up?

That's exactly what Mel Brooks said to me when I criticised his blatant cowboy-dietism in the now infamous farting scene in Blazing Saddles.

Was that a joke? Sorry, I'm not really up on you young people's snappy humour - perhaps you could elucidate further, as I'm sure we're all dying to share in the punchline with you. What larks!

Now then, back to letter writing - come on then, get your arses into gear! Someone's gotta win, you know!

I got confused and thought this was a thread for Pony School's first issue - you remember, where everyone accused Byron (though not me, oddly) of doing a paedo-book.  This reminds me of that because it seems conclusions have been jumped to once again before any material from the book in question has seen the light of day.
Mind you, we didn't exactly discourage anyone from thinking that, if I recall correctly.
"It'll help sales" my arse.

i have an idea for one, i'll get done over breakfast

Dear Pony School Editors,

I was shocked by the blatent lack of lesbian activity in your last issue. Many people, myself included, have only followed the escapades of Penny Ryder for this long because of the pure titilation that can only be experienced via schoolgirls having pillowfights while only wearing skimpy knickers. It's not as if anyone reads it for the spies, guns & foreign menances, is it?

Yours sincerly,

Sir Albert Cacophony
Wiltshire

Dear Pony School Editors

I was shocked and disappointed to find a distinct lack of overt lesbian activity in your last issue. I'm sure that a lot of readers appreciate the tongue in cheek (or should that be furry cup) that the name Penny Ryder conjures up in our fevered, perverted and sex starved brains. I really hoped the pillow fight would have expanded from a titalational tirrade of skimpyness into a full on hot Penny in the slot of the Peep show that would plunge us deep into the pool of the naughty pony school.

But no avail, instead we get spies, guns and some foreign types. You've have teased us long enough sir, myself and many other readers require full frontal nudity, the introduction of an Abi Titmus lookalike, intrigue with a sports mistress and of course the long awaited Pony.

I do hope you will oblige before I go blind.

Yours with trepidation.

Willliam Anchor
Barnsley

Well done sirs! Smashing chaps, all two of you!

Course, I'll have to change the name "Penny Ryder" to "Jenny Ryder" (this being the 1070/80's), but otherwise it's all set to go. Lovely stuff!

If you're interested in the more sapphic connotations of Pony School, perhaps I ought to post Bryan's original character sketch? That'd certainly straighten your wig!

But who was Abi Titmuss in the '70s/'80s?

Dear Destroy all Japs! editors,

How come Seargent Edward Berridge said that he he destroyed all the japs, but there are still some alive today?

Max,

Age 5year 3 months 1 week and 5 days

Dear Sirs,

You will be pleased to note that I am a gentleman, and will therefore not take you to the highest court in the land. The guilt of breaking the trades description act should weigh heavy on your shoulders. If you do not include at least one numbered diagram of how to fit a bridal, why this publication shall be a pony school in name only, and you shall loose my valuable custom.

Good Day,

Sir S.G Macshane  

Sorry, this version reads a little better

Dear Sirs,

You will be pleased to note that I am a gentleman, and will therefore not take you to the highest court in the land the guilt of breaking the trades description act should however, weigh heavy on your shoulders. If you do not rectify this situation forthwith by including at least one numbered diagram of how to fit a bridal, why this publication shall be a pony school in name only, and you shall loose my valuable custom.

Good Day,

Sir S.G Macshane

oh and feel free to change the name if you think it's likely that mister swearagen will take the satire too hard and threaten to take you to court over defammation

I thought this Swearengen chap was just Logan under an assumed name? Or was that someone else? It's so hard to keep up...

Though I feel that I should point out that there is an exhaustive glossary in Pony School issue 1 that covers all aspects of the tack room that a potential rider would need to know, as well as a multitude of espionage-based acronyms.

musta missed that- who reads those bits anyway ?

Bryron I think you you just what you just said as an editor's note, then followed by this letter*

Sirs,
In light of this new information, I humbly withdraw my accusations forthwith, right away, and you can be assured of my continued custom.

Good Day,

Sir S.G Macshane

p.s would it hurt to show a bit of tit now and then?


*this kind of thing happened alot in Monty Python, using this device you'll be so old school your desk'll have ink wells

Glad to see all that time I spent writing it was aorthwhile then.

I read the rest of it didn't I ? Besides, I bought it so, really you shouldn't chare if i just used it to stuff it up my jumper when the winter gets too cold

Hey! That's a limited edition, you'll crease it!

I have a homing device installed you know - I can recall it back home anytime you try to damage it.

Anyway, I thought you said you weren't going to buy a copy? When did this happen then?

it was when I descided I should just give up the fight and embrace my sexual deviency*, which of course lead to bitter disapointment when i read the damn thing





*just incase the internet police are watching, no I'm not really a sexual deviant(unless you count the frankvurter with extra mustard)In my opinion all kiddyfiddlers should be hung up by the gonards**





**opinion copyright The Sun

Dear 'Sergeant Typhoon' editors,

As any fule kno, typhoons are namd the other way around, and yor fine publicashun shud bear the name 'Typhoon Sergeant'.

Chiz, ho hum, and school soss. for all,

Nigel Molesworth.


P.S. Whichever wa around yu put it, this fellow is utterly wet and a weed.

Dear sir,

I have been a fan of your manly, no nonsense publications for many years. They stand proudly erect above all the other feeble comics in the newsagent I frequent.

Why the other day I saw one comic about spaceships and such where the editor preported to be an alien. I ask you!

I still have my exit wound splatter mark stickers and 'Know your enemy' identifacation booklet form issue 1 of Destroy All Japs so it was with great delight I seized your new publication Death Camp Jones.

Who writes this drivel! Jones, an Englishman, captured through no fault of his own, hasn't managed to escape by the end of episode 1?

I suggest you change the name of this title to Death to Camp Jones as the man is obviously a nancy boy!

Yours,

Menzies Waistcoat-Tweed (Col.) (Rtd.)    

Dear Gun Patrol Editor,

    I find it truly refreshing to find a publication as fine as yours understands our aim of putting guns back into the community. We, at the NRA, feel that such fine weapons as the Python or the Desert Eagle should be introduced to children so that they know that guns are their friends and that we should not listen to liberal propaganda saying that guns cause death.  It is not the guns that cause death, it is the misguided people, that do not belong to the NRA, and use guns foolishly that cause death.

Sincerely

C. Magnum

(Note: If you do not see the irony in this missive, then get ye hence to see Michael Moore's Bowling For Columbine or Fahrenheit 9/11)

I like that, because Gun Patrol is about the bombing of Dresden (who cares about a few potters anyway?), so I think you've hit the nail on the head with that one. That is the attitude of our comic completely - liberal propaganda is destroying the world; arm all schoolchildren immediately!

Dear Misty

After reading about your (mis)adventures I was wondering whether I can contract you to find my pussy, please.

Her name is  Sharved and is mostly black, long hair with a small parting. I last saw her when I was getting dressed in the bedroom the other day, my back was turned as I pulled up my pants, turned around and the little furry feline had safely seconded herself somewhere safe and warm. She had disappeared, I'd left the window open as it was a warm day, so I closed it and slipped out her favourite toy a small rabbit that hops and jumps around and gets her mouthwatering, but to no avail she was just not there.

I've hunted further, high and low and cannot get my hands on her. She loves sausage, particulary the big meaty thick ones you van get hold of from your local Butcher, he's often remarked on what a wonderful example of the feline form she is and often regards her with envious eyes as his wife has only got a rather fat flabby old minger that's on it's last legs.

Therefore, first port of call would be the Butcher - I'm a little bit afraid that he may have stuffed her already (his hobby is taxidermy), but I know in my heart of hearts I would have felt something if he had, I feel like I have a psychic bond with her you know - verytime I stroke her I can feel her getting more and more excited and this gives me a warm tingly feeling.

I really hope you can help me, I really miss her looking up at me from under the duvet in the morning and the way she purrs when I stroke her and tickle her chin.

Best wishes for your success.

Laura Abby-Love

Where's my script?

J@p-destroyer-01

Larf - that is truly terrible.  It would make people think the comic is one of those sub Viz clones that emphasis the filth but manage to entirely miss the jokes.

Bolt: Where's my artwork?

Tiplodocus: I think you're really giving our comic too much credit by describing it as a sub-Viz clone.

Larf gets the Star Letter and accompanying prize.

Beggars can't be choosers.

And yet choosers *can* be beggars.

How is that fair?

So what's the fantastic prize that you're awading Larf then, Jr?

The freshly-raped eyes of an English dandy.

I don't like all this eye raping stuff - for one thing, I need my eyes to see with and squint at gypsies and the lower classes in a condescending manner. And, for another, the idea of you, no doubt diseased, Irish organ coming anywhere near my immediate vaccinity give me a touch of the screaming ab-dabs.

There again, as you say, beggars can't be choosers, and at least that's some fresh self-love material for tonight.

Though if I'm the writer, shouldn't I be the one doing the eye-thing?

And, in all seriousness, what's this prize you're going to give Larf?

a golden shower?

What, a shower head made of pure gold? Seems a bit excessive just for getting the Star Letter spot in a simple Small Press book.

what is it with you and dolden showers? were you recently given one and that is why you are so eager about it?

Byron - apologies - I didn't mean to imply your comic was a sub-viz clone. I've not read it and can't offer an opinion.

What I meant was that if you started publishing letters like Larf's, people might think it was a sub-Viz clone.

Sorry if I caused offence.

"What I meant was that if you started publishing letters like Larf's, people might think it was a sub-Viz clone."

If only! My aspirations don't stretch to quite those lofty heights, I'm afraid! Please, imply all you want.

"Byron - apologies - I didn't mean to imply your comic was a sub-viz clone. I've not read it and can't offer an opinion."

You know, a man without scruples could attempt to force you to buy a copy of his comic book whilst you were weak and vulnerable like this...and who am I to confound expectations? Buy a copy by contacting PonySchool@gmail.com for ?2 + 50 p&p and all shall be forgiven!  ;)

Didn't you say something about killfiling me for constant shameless plugging...?

::"buy them, and then just throw them in the bin in an act of wilfull disgust"

I like Irn-Bru.

Sheesh, what a stereotype. A scot with an Irn Bru can in his bin.....

Bolt-01

At least he's got the courage of his convictions - most Scots wouldn't throw the money away.  And shouldn't those tins and bottles be separated for recycling?

A scot with an Irn Bru can in his bin.....

Its in-bred.  My half scottish children love Irn Bru!  Im glad we dont live in Scotland, theyd be Reddish Orange colour.....

Slips

They used to give those Irn-Bru bars away free with The Dandy - they were great!

I like the fact that the chap in the photo genuinely looks disgusted - that was a nice touch!

Who was that, anyway (I want to get in touch and see if the want to buy another issue, or fancy throwing away the new Action Stations Winter Special)?

:: "Who was that, anyway?"

Some dude in Moniaive.  I was walking past his garden and he was muttering and mumbling to himself about the degradation of today's youth by perverted comic creators.

I said "Hey man, like, why are you gnashing your teeth, dude?"

He held up his copy of Pony School and shouted "WE MUST BAN THIS FILTH!"

So I told him that rather than get stressed he should just, like, throw it in the bin in a fit of pique, which he did, as you can see from the photographic evidence.

When I left I swear I heard him muttering "Be Pure! Be Vigilant! Behave!"

S'right.

"TORQUE'S SECRET SCOT SHAME!"

A censorious Scotsman - shurley shome mishtake?

Dear Sir

Thank you for your kind gift in response to my 'Star Letter', unfortunately I must have got my letters mixed up as the star was meant to go to the other publication I read, namely 'Sphincts Monthly'.

I noticed that you made no comment as to the tea towel which was the main aim of sending the letter in the first place as I do not know of anyone who has used a 400g, cool mesh weave with gingam pattern before. I presume that this was due to the incorrect nature of the letter and it not being relevant to your esteemed organ.

I really enjoyed the Texan bar and sweet assortment that you sent to me, they went up well and really satisfied me.

I now will have to write a letter to Ringo Fuller the other Editor to let him know that my pussy is now safe and is currently purring away, resting on a 250g, alto weave topsheet.

Yours always
Laura Abby-Love (Sht, Mnge, Cch)

What the hell is a 'Texan Bar' anyway?

"But who was Abi Titmuss in the '70s/'80s?"

Felicity Kendal, apparently.

Bugger Felicity, I used to get the horn over Penelope Keith, all that pent up properness, must breed naughtiness in the boudoire

What about Paul Edington?

I always thought there was a sexual frisson between him and Richard Bryers...

That's horrible, that would be bumming and everything, like Mark Almond and Adam Ant.

Mike Almond bummed Adam Ant?!

No wonder he was wandering around the Royal Free with a gun...

Dear Editor,

I'm writing to complain about inconsistencies in the White Samuri.  While it remains one of my favourite strips, the varying length of his weapon is becoming a constant distraction.  Please have a word with the artist or send him to Jone's Death Camp.

Many thanks,
Mark.