made one up last night [not very funny, got a couple of short sniggers]
In an effort to alleviate my ongoing anxieties ; I decided to set myself some outlandish tasks:
So I went parachuting with a can of baked beans in my hand
Had a fight against mike Tyson with lentils in my boxing gloves
And swam in a cage with sharks, whilst having mushy peas in my swimming trunks...
And so, I realised...
[spoiler]i'll do anything with a pulse !![/spoiler]
Oh dear. I like it, though, gave me a smile.
Here's my one. Apologies in advance.
'Does that look like a funnel to you?'
'Funnely enough, yes.'
Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 16 February, 2021, 03:53:28 PM
'Does that look like a funnel to you?'
'Funnely enough, yes.'
:lol:
better than mine [funnel]
my first 2 were dessert based for some reason:-
what do you say to a plate of profiteroles - once you've had your fill?
[spoiler]shoo pastry![/spoiler]
did you here what happened at the chef's stag-doo ?
[spoiler]me neither, what does on torte, stays on torte[/spoiler]
I am so pleased that I actually made up a joke (several years after it was relevant), that I'm going to repeat it here even though I already posted it on another thread:
Q: What does Hagrid say when he's eaten some magic mushrooms?
A: You're a lizard, Harry.
:lol:
Keep em coming!
I painted a sign for the campsite but got the "c" wrong and had to paint it out ready to go over again. The boss sees the sign drying in front of the Rayburn.
Boss: "What's an ampsite?"
Me: "A caravan park in Birmingham."
Boss: "Birmingham?"
Me: "Nowhere near the c."
True story, happened this morning. Made me chuckle, anyway.
👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
Q: What did Great Uncle Baal say to his nephew when he was having trouble sleeping?
A: Nemesis, the Horlicks!
My life...
I do have one question though ...
Is anyone going to admit to Alexander Johnson?
:-*
Years ago, a close friend was having open heart surgery. It was a congenital defect that had killed his older sister in her thirties and if not corrected, would likely do the same for him - basically, a muscle defect meant part of his heart was bulging into somewhere it shouldn't. The op would fix it, but was risky. His friends gathered in the pub awaiting news and talk turned to stories of his legendary kindness and generosity.
I said "yeah, the one thing you can say about Jez is that his heart's in the right place." After a brief stunned silence, it got a big laugh.
(not seen him for ages, but he's still with us 30 years on)
A few years ago my mate was singing "There was an old lady that swallowed a fly" to his toddler. The mother had somehow never heard it before, so he took full credit, claiming he just stumbled on the opening lines and then just staggered his way up the food chain. We backed him up of course, requesting lyrics over social media.
Not really on topic but This is the Way.
what cheese is best for holding back a river?
[spoiler]eDAM[/spoiler]
For best results, the answer here should be shouted in great anger:
What's the rudest kind of queue?
A F**K YOU!
Not one I made up just heard this child about 5 years in town go to his mum
Knock, Knock
Who's there
Idunna
Idunna who
loadly MUMMY YOU SAID You HAD JUST DONNA POOO
one happy child one embarrassed mum
Nah, that one's crap ...
A lad I knew from school puts his made-up jokes on FB constantly. For example:
'Why did the blind man fall down a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.'
I was going to make a joke about Dungeons & Dragons. But it just wouldn't work on so many levels.
Actual thing that happened:
Spotted my son studying physics, so I asked him:
"Do you want an occasional chair"
"What for?"
"...to go with that periodic table?"
I fell down a hill the other day, that's just the way I roll.
I've been investing in grains recently. A friend asked how on earth I make money at it, I said "I just see what crop's up."
My little girl said to me, "When I grow up I want to be a Dentist."
I said, "what have you got against dents?"
Quote'Why did the blind man fall down a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.'
that is glorious
Whenever I'm feeling down, my wife always tells me:
"Things could be worse, you could be in a deep dark hole full of water"
Which isn't very helpful.
She means well.
Guffaw!
The BBC is putting a new spin on one of its much loved sci-fi classics.
In this reboot, a group of contestants on a reality TV baking show, are whisked off through space and time for a series of adventures, and find themselves fighting for their lives against a ruthless, totalitarian regime.
The new show will be called "Bakes' 7".
Two men in a restaurant:
"My wife's coming here tomorrow to meet a famous bald filmstar."
"Yule Brynner?"
"No, she'll come of her own accord."
Quote from: Mister Pops on 14 May, 2021, 11:13:59 AM
Whenever I'm feeling down, my wife always tells me:
"Things could be worse, you could be in a deep dark hole full of water"
Which isn't very helpful.
She means well.
This is most excellent. However it doesn't need the "which isn't very helpful" bit.
There once was a fellow named Moncrieff
Who had badly-fitting false teeth
When a sneeze he ejected
His teeth were projected
Into his handkerchief
There once was a man from Athlone
Who came up with a new type of poem.
Which didn't catch on.
Came up with this a few years back, but I'm sure others have come up with similar independently:
"I did a job recently for some dolphins: they want me to make a video showing how to get rid of a bunch of troublesome seals. Apparently, my cull will be recorded for training porpoises."
(Applause)
Quote from: A.Cow on 02 June, 2021, 11:21:15 AM
Came up with this a few years back, but I'm sure others have come up with similar independently:
"I did a job recently for some dolphins: they want me to make a video showing how to get rid of a bunch of troublesome seals. Apparently, my cull will be recorded for training porpoises."
My friend Martin used to tell the best joke about New York cops talking at 'cross porpoises' - it only worked 'cos he did the accent so well. In the end he got sick of us drunkenly asking him to tell the joke everytime we got pissed together and we strangled the joke.