Should "Father Figure", Paul Glasswells pitchfest winning Dredd story, see print?
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For those not present it went roughly like this:
JUDGE DREDD: SINS OF THE FATHER
Dredd is finishing a hard day's patrol and calls control to book himself into a sleep machine. Control tells him he has bigger fish to fry - he has been named in a paternity suit.
DREDD: I get about a dozen a week. What's so special about this?
CONTROL: This time we've got a DNA match. Congratulations Dredd, you're a daddy.
Back at the Grand Hall, tests have conclusively proved that Dredd is the father of this child - it's not Dolman, Rico or one of the other clones and it is a Dredd baby rather than a clone. Worse - another
three paternity suits arrive.
A grinning Hershey sends him off to investigate; "And be careful what you do with that daystick"
Dredd interviews the manager of the Fertility Clinic where all of the babies were conceived. Dredd doesn't like the idea of Fertility clinics in his overcrowded city but the manager of the clinic disagrees. "Come on Judge - some people really want to have a family even if you don't!"
As it turns out, the sperm donor for these cases was anonymous and can't be traced. "We have a lot of homeless and hard-up people give us samples in exchange for a square meal."
Dredd spots something on the office wall as he leaves. "If I find any evidence of impropriety, you'll be eating cube meals".
Back at the Grand Hall, Dredd heads down to the sleep machines. Just as he is about to climb in, he spots a cleaner.
DREDD: "You! Halt. You're under arrest!"
The cleaner doesn't run but squares up to Dredd "I seen what you're really like Dredd. You take your "U"s off one leg at a time like everyone else".
Dredd batters him about the head with his daystick and a lot of test tubes and pipettes fall from the cleaner's coat. (a watching Judge comments: "He's got a lot of spunk!")
The Cleaner is the brother-in-law of the bloke that runs the fertility clinic. Dredd recognised him from a family photo on the office wall. The cleaner has been collecting "samples" from the sleep machines where the Judges get through a whole night's sleep in fifteen minutes. Judges are, after all, human and some of them ejaculate in their sleep, including Dredd.
As the cleaner is dragged away he shouts; "A lot a rich women pay to have a Judge as the daddy of their child. I got a lotta samples but yours always seemed to win the sac race, Dredd. You got another twenty three children"
DREDD: Bring in his brother-in-law. Fifteen years.
DREDD: And reduce the power in the dream stimulators - should stop
the problem happening again.
GIANT: And cut down on cleaning bills.
This only leaves one problem. What do we do with all of the baby Dredds?
HERSHEY: Termination is still an option. Or the Catholic Lost
Children's Sanctuary in Pat Mills block takes special cases like this.
DREDD: Don't be ridiculous. I am the children's father. There's only one place for them to be brought up.
And all twenty three children are duly inducted into The Acadamey of Law. The final picture is of Dredd laying a small baby (complete with Judge's romper suit) down in a Justice Department cot.
HERSHEY: You know, I think he's got his daddy's chin...
oO The End Oo
John Wagner's comments on it went something like this:
"Nobody is fucking milking Judge Dredd's sperm!"
Hurr, hurr, hurr.
- Trout
"Nobody is fucking milking Judge Dredd's sperm!"
That's the slogan for next year's Shedcon t-shirts sorted. ;)
That comment should not suggest the story can't be used somewhere.
If nothing else, it demonstrates very well indeed that Mr Tips can tell a damn good tale.
- Trout
I still maintain it could, and would, work, though it would have to be played relatively straight in order to work, with most of the gags being deadpanned.
Would the story work as a generic tale without Judge Dredd? Maybe, but it'd lose a lot of it's point.
My feeling - which Paul disagreed with - was that it wouldn't need to be Dredd being "milked".
He could be investigating the same crime being perpetrated on others.
Frankly, if the "Dreddverse" can have organ leggers, then why not sperm thieves?
- Trout
If it can contain "The Blood of Satanus II" and "Helter Skelter" and that Crystal Skull one without losing it's credibility and integrity I'm pretty certain it can contain almost anything...
"If it can contain "The Blood of Satanus II" and "Helter Skelter" and that Crystal Skull one without losing it's credibility and integrity"
Hmmm. But did it? :-)
- Trout
(flicks through the last few Issues of "Total War")
Yes!
(Please use this poll and thread rather than the other one, which seems to have was created by accident and doesn't work properly, like a freakish malformed genetic twin)
Recently re-read the Megazine story "The Girlfriend" - I don't think Tips' story is *too* far for the Megazine, but probably shouldn't get printed in 2000AD.
Didn't it end with something like:-
'the nurse asks Dredd if he want's to hold the baby'
Dredd replies 'Hold him, what's the charge?'
A genus of a punchline, even faced with the prospect of fatherhood Dredds mind is still in LAW mode. Just great.
I think this could be re-written (toned down a bit) and could easily make it into the megazine. Someone in the pub afterwards asid ther the Meg published the Heavy Metal Dredds, so why not this?
I assume everyone ticking the co-writer/editorial box actually means "yes, it's just need to be toned down a bit"?
great story , should be in the Meg, I suggest the cleaner looks a lot like a certain Irish C4 late night presenter... just for added frision
Huffty
No, it is a bit much for actual publication.
But it certain deserves to be on this site in an official place as the winner of the pitchfest.
It's a good story but I think John Wagner is right.
"The Sperm of Satanus!"
I'm afraid my usual prudery prevents me from condoning any of this stuff. I can just imagine Hershey repeating Wagner's comment.
i think it just needs a little toning down
Thanks for all your kind words regarding this.
I'm going to script it up and send it in to Tharg's representatives on Earth but if there's no joy, I dare say it may find a home in some independent fan publication.
I always knew a Dredd tale (especially this one) was very unlikely to get anywhere near the comic but I can genuinely say - it was the taking part that counted - I enjoyed doing the pitch regardless of what happens to the tale.
However, I should point out that a lot of people seem to be under the misaprehension that Dredd is "milked" while in the sleep machines. I should have been clearer - the cleaner just cleans up "genetic samples" when the Judges leave to go back on patrol.
(Oh and yeah, "On what charge?" is the final line - very chuffed I was when I thought of that - took the rest of the day off)
Hmm... maybe just vague references to "genetic samples" rather than "ejaculations" and "sounk" (which id not really used in america in either sense, anyway) and swabs rather than big test-tubes of milky fluid would help?
BLOODY BRILLANT
the sad and twisted mind of a boarder. made me laugh then i heard the punch line as noted by Uncle umpty. bloody brillant.
come on. in the megazine as a special segment.
bloody funny and worth every moment.