I don't know why I'm asking such a clean-cut bunch of well-adjusted people as yourselves, but I was wondering if anyone could think of a few good parting shots for when I leave my work forever in a few short weeks? Something nasty, but not fatal would be preferable. Stinking the place out, sabotaging the toilets - anything you can think of, I'd appreciate you sharing it with me.
Don't think I won't do it, either - you may assume I'm just a leg-puller because I spend some of my free time pretending to be a bear who teaches mauling to red squirrels, but I really can be a right vindictive bastard when my blood's up, and the dickhead I work for has really got on my tits something rotten now.
Oh, and if it's a good one, I'll photograph the proof and display it here (if possible).
Leave a fake turd on his desk,with a note next to it.
Just have it read: WITH LOVE.
watercress seeds on the carpet, and a light spry of water.wont happen till a few days you are gone.
david
Leave a turd on his desk.
Or post a turd to him a a jiffy bag, surrounded by those little polystyrene chip things. He won't be able to see what's in it, so will either have to put his hand in or empty it onto his desk.
Report your place of work to FAST (federation against software theft) about all the hooky software they're bound to have on their computers.
It's a 10,000 quid fine for each piece of software plus prison time.
Call 0800 510510 for more info.
Oh, and you get a ten grand reward into the bargin.
That's what I'm doin' when I leave my current place of work.
Good luck, tell us what happens.
Or leave a real turd on his desk, next to an empty fake turd packet...
ADE
2000ad readers all mentalists and poor employees shock!
Hey Prof, sense the theme?
Good luck with the leaving and remember to eat a lot of fibre in the run-up to the event!
Bolt-01
Pee in the kettle!
Prawn mayonnaise sandwich down the back of a radiator.
Access the dodgiest internet sites you can find from your boss's computer then alert the authorities.
Order a load of expensive and embarrassing crap (butt plugs, gimp masks, penis enlargers, you get my drift) in your boss's name and have it all delivered to work.
LSD in the water cooler
And of course... block up all the toilets
Have fun!
All the turd stuff is hilarious, but Umpty's is a stroke of genius.
I was going to suggest informing their insurance company about whatever flagrant breaches of the Health and Safety laws they are no doubt commiting.
And there's always the fair employment commission.
Hmm... I'd go with fish down the back of the radiators (or something similar). Calling FAST is ok- but it's more likely to impact on the people working for the company who haven't done you any harm in the long run...
Either way- I'm certainly glad that I've finally upgraded *all* my software to non-hooky status! 10K plus prison time! That's a bit harsh!
I'm sure I'm just imagining the recurring turd motif...
The thing to remember is to stay just the right side of the law so that if you do get caught, you won't get prosecuted. But try not to get caught (obviously).
If you really want to be Machiavellian-Evil, and actually fuck him up in a serious way, you could wait until he's out of the office and take his credit card from his wallet and note down the details (I often found bosses would wander out of the office, leaving their jacket and wallets on the back of their chair). Then simply sign him up to as many kiidie porn sites as you can and wait for Operation Trident to net him.
Alternatively, you could scratch irritating phrases into his car with your keys, or give out his email, home address and telephone number to spam/junk mail/porn senders.
Or you could do what I once did to someone, and enlist them in the army (Territorials might be easier to achieve).
Personally, I think that the need for revenge only goes to show how much this person against whom you feel agrieved is still affecting your life, and is effectively still controling you. However, since I know you're both a bitter Irishman, and a bear (not noted for their diplomacy), I doubt you'll listen to my sage-like wisdom.
A mate of mine mocked up a letter from the Nhs.
Told another friend to get to the hospital quick over his recent brain scans.
NHS forms are surprisingly easy to mock up.
Actually, closure is important, I think. Especially since I've been at the job for six years and only recently got the minimum wage. Add to that I was initially sacked without notice, and my boss only took me back because I took legal advice and found out I was due six weeks'pay in lieu of notice, which he decided I should work off. So, to recap - I'm laid off because there's no work, but I have to come *back* to work after six weeks to work off my notice. No, I don't know how that works either. And I don't like how my co-workers are treated - not letting someone speak when you ask them a question is bad enough, but calling them a 'fat stupid cunt' to their face on a regular basis is blood-boiling to witness - fuck knows how the guy on the recieving end has put up with it for so long.
I feel that after being screwed aroud, I'm due a little payback, and all that "living well is the best revenge" is tree-hugging claptrap of the worst kind - if someone has seemingly gone out of their way to piss you off or screw you around, not shafting them in response just gives everyone the impression you're a doormat.
Way I see it, you either let yourself get shafted or you don't.
It might sound stupid, by my motto's always been "Death before Dishonour".
Seeing as he sounds like a frugal pompous fucker, hit him either in his wallet or his personal/public persona. If he has a wife, a few malicious calls and letters can go a long way to suggesting that he was having some type of torrid affair, though this does move the vendetta into the realms of the obsessional.
Bear, you like in Portadown don't you?
Gotta be someone you can talk too...
Portadown? Fuck no! And anyway - in three short weeks, I'm off, which I'm looking forward to.
And I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone else, really - I've nothing against anyone else who works there, and my boss' wife is quite nice, too. Why would I want to put her through that? I was thinking more of a good "fuck you" prank that I can say I did when people ask - so that I don't appear to be a doormat.
Stinky fish and watercress seeds seem to be the way to go so far...
Any more for any more?
Bear, sounds like you work in the same place as me!!!
And as far as effecting other people in the company regarding calling FAST I'm sure they'd thank you for it in the long run, is it's obviously a torturous place to work (just recently got minimum wage, I think he owes you back pay - seriously check this out and it will seriously piss him off into the bargin).
Of course, you could just give the nod and me and lord RAC will turn up in ballaclavas and black & decker drills and kick the living shit out of him, in front of his staff, humiliating him into crying like a baby.
Bosses who abuse their position and deliberatly intimidate the people they employ are scum and have got what's comming to them.
Tell me where you work and I'll call FAST (there N.I. office is in Ballnahinch.
You could also have sex with his wife or daughter or both and post the pics on the internet.
Have you tried telling him what you think of him and suggesting that he alter his behaviour?
Yes.
Several weeks after that, I called him a pig-ignorant cunt, and that didn't go down well, either.
Well, in that case, piss in the kettle and sellotape the on-switch down.
lift floorboards insert/hide kipper (or fish of choice, no one can find the smell its a good un.
Superglue his windscreen wipers to his windscreen. The great thing about this is that he won't even notice until it starts to rain... Which makes it a double-whammy, because then he won't be able to see where he's going!
While killing him is, obviously, a good idea (nice one, Mike...) I'd be more in favour of setting his homepage to www.iwanttobeawoman.com*, or similar.
* Don't click on this. I just made it up, but it probably exists, and it won't be pretty.
Buy a small paint pot or two. Pink is a good colour. Put on some gloves. Paint lots of your bosses things pink. Write humorous messages in pink on your bosses car.
Pat him on the back or hug him (hey, it's a pretty liberal age we live in) and apply pink paint to his shirt. Bonus points if you you draw a penis on him.
You can also get lots of blood from a local butcher if you fancy pulling a Carrie on him or his car. Blood on carpets and walls is really funny too because it upsets people a lot. And it smells pretty bad.
get a pint of maggots from local fishing shop put them some where dark and warm like say heating system.within a day allwill turn to casters,then a month later all will turn into the largest bluebottles you can imagine.
i speak from experience,did this once by accicdent.than the next tine with malicious intent,in student nurse halls of residence.hhhhh
Can't reconcile Statement A:
"get a pint of maggots from local fishing shop put them some where dark and warm like say heating system"
with Statement B:
"did this once by accicdent".
Help!
Yes, I can remember when my brother, a keen fisherman, used to buy maggots for bait. He had some left over once, and stored them in my grandad's garden shed, which was soon full of bluebottles. yuk.
Personally I would advice against doing anything that answers to the name of criminal damage.
At a guess (obviously I don't know the exact ins and outs of your situation but I doubt childish pranks would be helpful), you'd be better off spending the next three weeks cataloguing this person's list of incopmetencies, rudeness, bullying and general pig headed ness (in a polite a manner as possible but noting all insults he uses verbatim). If possible, note down witnesses to said offences.
Then pass a copy of this document on to him and his boss and his bosses boss, politely noting that you are glad to be leaving because of the terrible working conditions.
Distribute this amongst your co-workers and ask them to keep similar logs - the collective evidence should soon be enough to get things turned around. If you have access to a Union, get them to help. If no Union, then perhaps there is a council/local government office that deals with workplace greivances such as yours.
At a last resort, you could even write to your local papers to publicise and hopefully put a stp to such bad practices.
You will have your "revenge" and hopefully made something positive out of a bad experience.
Oh and paint is really hard to get off windows and shiny cars.