Hi, er, hmm... do you come here often?
When's it due? (to a large non-pregnant lady)
Stupidest thing I have ever said and which I still regret was "No."
Before getting fired from movies, I used to work as a mechanical engineer back in the Netherlands. The company I worked for supplied robotic applications to the (yawn) food packaging industry. My major role was to create layouts as to where the robots and conveyors would be placed in the factories. One day the phone goes.. As I was alone on the office that day, I answer..
Me: "Something-Something engineering, Michael speaking.."
Massive important client: "Hi, it's general-manager-such-and-such from acme potatoes.. Is boss A there?"
Me: "No, I'm afraid not.."
Massive important client: "Ah. Is boss B there?"
Me: "Nope. He's also not in. Can I otherwise help?"
Massive important client: "Yes.. I've got some of your robots in our factory, and I'm wanting some more. Can you give me a price for that?"
Wait for it..
Me: "Well.. I can't really tell you how much they cost, but I can tell you where to put them.."
brief pause..
Massive important client: "Well that's not very nice.."
This is why engineers should never talk to people..
Worst ever chat up line I have ever used....and I've used a few...is:
I like my women like my cheese.........mature.
You'll be very surprised to hear it did not work. :-[
Women don't like to be told they're mature because it means old. That's even before you start comparing them to cheese.
'I'm sure the roof will hold my weight.'
You can guess the rest.
On walking into a dublin tattoo parlour one particularly wet and windy lunchbreak, wearing a green suit and sporting long, flowing, red locks (in short looking not unlike a leprechaun, but with an english accent) i was confronted by a horde of rufty tufty bikers. I wanted a picture of yoda tattooed on my buttock, being a star wars fan.
However, when asked what i wanted, and facing a number of hard stares, i burbled, 'could you do yoda's arse on my face?'.
As soon as it was out of mouth, i realised, and ran for it in shame.
SBT
Quote from: charleswalter1860 on 07 July, 2011, 05:33:57 PM
Worst ever chat up line I have ever used....and I've used a few...is:
I like my women like my cheese.........mature.
You'll be very surprised to hear it did not work. :-[
I tried
"whats an ugly woman doing in a beautiful place like this"
Believe it or not it worked a treat (bearing in mind she was stunning).
V
Quote from: Dandontdare on 07 July, 2011, 04:24:56 PM
When's it due? (to a large non-pregnant lady)
"I didn't know you were pregnant!" to a woman you thought was merely fat works just as well.
Yes indeed, I have an increasingly portly friend who I'm fairly sure is pregnant, and am equally sure is deliberately tormenting me with silence on the subject - there is literally no way I can resolve the matter without getting kicked for one crime or another. Worse, my ongoing failure to broach the subject can only be deemed gross insensitivity.
I suppose I could produce my hipflask and await her uncharacteristic refusal - or possibly an unpasteurised cheese sandwich?
I always liked Jimmy Carr's reason for not giving up his seat to women on the tube who appear to be pregnant: "it's better to see a pregnant woman standing, than a fat woman crying"
Tordel, try coffee. They tend to refuse that if they're up the duff.
Or try a general question like, "We haven't had a proper chat for ages. What's new?" That puts the onus on her and you can act as if you knew all along and were just being polite.
Yes, I spend a lot of time around fertile women. I've had five years of "mum and baby" groups now.
Urgh.
- Trout
Quote from: King Trout on 19 July, 2011, 01:05:16 PM
Tordel, try coffee. They tend to refuse that if they're up the duff.
Hadn't thought of coffee (my missus doesn't drink the stuff so it wasn't a factor in my personal pregnantology) - she did indeed refuse a cup the last time we met, but it's still not a definite diagnosis, as my coffee is legendarily bad (i.e. strong enough). I'll try the open question thing.
Here we are, beauty and the beast. You don't mind me calling you a beast do you?
Strangely enough I then felt a sudden sharp pain in my shins.
:-[
One spring Saturday lunchtime a few years ago Stevie boarded the train & made his way down the apartment to the available seat. Which was, to his delight & surprise, next to a beautiful young creature dozing with an copy of Do Android's Dream Of Electric Sheep opened facedown on her pink legginged lap.
As he sat down as quietly as a nature documentary presenter, his retro-70s burgundy suited shadow passed across her & she opend her eyes & smiled.
Did Stevie deploy all the confidence & charm of a gentleman in his early 30s has at his disposal to discuss how different it was from the film? How enraptured by he was the other weekend by Dr Bloodmoney that he forgot to eat until he had finished it? How Stevie was about to grab a quick bite for late lunch; had she herself..?
No.
What emerged from between his sideburns instead was, "I never realised that Dick could be so dull."
At which point she promptly buried her nose into the book & was first off the train when it pulled into Adelaide Railway Station 10 minutes later.
Today I decided to take the short cut on my way to pop in at my mum and dad's for a cup of tea. Upon walking over the railway bridge, I spied a businessman approaching me, talking in a loud and slightly camp voice on his mobile.
"(blah blah blah)-- PAUSE-- I'M WALKING OVER --PAUSE-- The West Hill on my way to meet.. blah blah" was the gist of his conversation.
However, FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, as I passed him and he said "I'm walking over..." I suddenly SUNG in a loud and clear voice "A FOUR-LEAFED CLO-VER!", causing him to JUMP in a most amusing manner three feet to the side and babble the rest of his conversation while looking slightly uneasily at me as I continued on my way.
I have no idea why I did that, but it seemed funny at the time.
SBT
Had to post this oneand this thread seemed appropriate
As I was walking home today, I saw a smashed Lambrini bottle, lying in a puddle of it's contents, with a trail of footprints leading away.
Two pairs of footprints as I would discover anon.
After passing no less than two more of the smahed cheap vino bottles, I saw ahead of me, that the bus queue at the stop in front of (Belfast) City Hospital was bigger than usual. As I drew closer, I realised that this was no bus queue, oh no, it was a crowd of rubber neckers.
A crowd of rubber neckers, gawking at two spides (/neds/skangers/teenage scumbags) sleeping under the bus-stop bench beside a bag containing three more bottles. A Murse was trying to wake them, but the only response he was getting was grunts and limply flailing arms.
....
...
..
They were spooning.
Marriage vows?