2000 AD Online Forum

I've been training ninja's for several months now, yet when I turned up today, all my ninjas were dead.  What's going on?  Any tips from other masters of evil?

Have you been feeding them?
I know this can happen with goldfish, you just kinda forget they're there.

No, this was more a sudden unexpected death as opposed to long lingering starvation.  I don't want to buy any more till I know what the problem with these dudes was.

The only problem I've ever encountered in my many years of successful Ninja keeping, was when I went on holiday and asked a friend of mine who works at the BBC to look after them. I returned home looking forward to being mobbed by my "over-eager to see me" little Ninjas, only to find he had re-named them "Hero's".

As for your problem, did you remember to drill some air holes in their box?

The national comic award voting form is up on the comics 2003 site so if you want your faves to stand a chance of winning an award then follow the link and place your votes.

In no way trying to influence your votes but isn't it time that Mike McMahon made the roll of honour?

La Placa Rifa,
W. R. Logan.

Link: National Comic Awards

You need to keep your ninjas supervised at all times, lest they (a) set up a burger franchise or (b) just Title: Re: Ninja Training, what's the pro...
Post by: JamieB on 11 February, 2003, 02:11:34 PM

Hmm. Dunno what went wrong there. (b) was the possibility that they'd flip out and kill each other... see the link

J-Bo-1

Link: http://www.realultimatepower.net

Check for Bruce Lee. He's a bastard for slaughtering invincible martrial arts armies.

Were the ninjas intact, or was it just their uniforms with some foul smelling smoke wafting out? If the ninja's appear to be intact, they may have slipped into a Ninja Trance. The only way to tell is to burn the soles of their feet with lit cigarettes.

Be careful though, because this will affect their resale value when posting them on Ebay.

mat

I have phone the ninja training abuse line, & the ninja social workers are on their way. as long as your training schedule conformed to EC ninja standard 125 (subsection c) & the instructors were fully AGNTR regonnised by the board of NG-PT (93) with an up to date accredited trn-176/5 certificate there shouldn't be too much problem. You did fill in the daily NGP forms didn't you? & leave the dead ninjas un touched until the NTDE flys over from NTDE HQ in brussels to inspect the evidence?

Look I don't know anything about forms, I bought them at a boot fair.  I've done nothing wrong.

As for the problem at hand, I've checked thoroughly for Bruce Lees, and found nothing.  A few weeks ago I found a dead Chuck Norris, but that didn't seem to bother them.  

HOWEVER there has been some tampering with my island death base.  There have been several hatches left open and a grappling hook found.  

Other clues included a can of phosphorescent paint, a mask and some spooky footprints, but they could have been leftover from when I was a mystery investigation team enthusiast.  Shame I flushed them, they could have come in useful.

They are definitely dead, I held a magnifying glass over severel of them at noon today.  Not a 'whaeowww...' out of them.

Try checking the soles of their boots for "Made In Japan". If it says "Made In Taiwan" you've been done, mate.

 Unfortunatly the Marvel Corporation flooded the market with cheap Ninjas in the 80s, every 3rd rate X-man was slaughtering dozens of them in one crap spin off title or another.
 What I believe happened is that the wee fellas found out that Mark Millar and Shaky Kane were hired to produce Ultimate Ninja for Marvel and the ninjas committed ritual suicide to avoid the shame.

AAAAIIIII!  MARKIE MILLAR!!!  ALL DIE NOW!

Would it be possible for Grant Morrison to reinvent the concept of the ninja and use it as a the basis of a satirical attack upon the Bush/Blair alliance?

On second thoughts...

Hmmm have any of your orange boiler suits been taken or a Mini Moke not where you left it?

Hmmm,

Ninja's = 'Super Atheletes'  and are therefore very prone to 'Super-Atheletes Foot'.

You have to be really careful with this.

I recommend getting them to pee on their own feet if you get some more, I've been told that this is very good for keeping this problem under control.

WoD

I think I know the problem, here.  As anyone can tell you, the common unspotted ninja is characterised by two things: his lack of honour and his desire for soltitude.  Under correct training conditions using rigorous bamboo-lashings and so forth your nascent ninja-troupe will experience no difficulties from this direction: their minds are too occupied by hitting things, throwing little spinning stars and the like.  Interrupt their training for even a *day* however, and the sneaky little bastards have the chance to start thinking about things.  Their natural proclivity for soltitude makes them all jumpy and claustraphobic, and as soon as their innate dishonourable-assassin instincts kick-in, well.  Need I go on?  Let's just say that carnage ensues.

My advice to you is this:  count the bodies.  I suspect you will find there is one less than you're expecting.  Somewhere out there, making a bid for freedom, is the One True Ninja who bested all the others.  Find him and employ him, because only he will be able to repel high-pitched-voiced heroes throughout your future as an evil martial-arts bearded villain.

On a similar note: *Never* wash Kabuki theatres in anything hotter than a wool setting. I put mine in a white wash by mistake and the entire cast has shrunk, with the exception of the male lead who now looks like Christopher Lillicrap.

Sho Kosugi - 'nuff said!

Which?

No doubt your ninjas were saluting your right-hand man or one of your generals or someone similar and inadvertantly karate chopped themselves to death.

Avoid this by training them to only obey you. Or employ demon ninjas, more expensive and less agile but sturdier generally. Just remember to hide the silverware.

J Kat.

Sorry, that should be...





which?

Have you been keeping them too close to your expensive special effects? Over-exposure to CGI can induce ennui, which could lead to death. This may not necessarily be a permament problem. Often a few years of ignoring them will lead them to reanimate, and appear fresh and exciting.

Also, have you checked your laser guns on the moon? If they're not firing properly, and there are residues of innuendo, you might have an infestation of secret agents.

As it turns out one ninja is missing as is an orange boiler suit.  Whether he's set up a burger franchise I couldn't say.  Yet.

One worrying development was that when I removed their ninja hoods, they all looked like Jean Claude van Damme.

I'm afraid you're Dammed then...

have you checked their flying wires? I've found if these get muddled up a serious bit of damage can be done, of course there is no evidence of these afterwards unless Gerry Anderson's involved

I heard from one of your rivals that a ninja WAS seen in the vicinity of your island lair,in the company of a fat man in a nappy.Sometimes they were fighting another man,sometimes they were fighting each other.I TOLD you not to give them Bruce Lee for their Spectrum,but did you listen?
On a lighter note I simply cannot fault the performance of the Shaolin Warrior Monks that I bought from Big Norm in the pub last week.Their robes were quite grimy,but they washed ok,and you can't be robbed for 12 quid.