2000 AD Online Forum

It's been a while since I clogged up the web with my off-topic benign megalomania, so here's an announcement:

Your King hereby dissolves his government and sacks all his ministers and other appointees.
(Peerages, knighthoods and similar heraldic anacronisms remain with you, however - until I decide to take them away!  :-))

I now call upon my splendid followers to rise above their pathetic land-dwelling existence and apply for a job in my new administration!

Name your post and the reason you deserve it, and your King will make his judgement.
Inclusion of a strong element of sucking up is essential.

It's open to all by the way, including those ridiculous fools who may in thepast have proved less than loyal. This is your chance to redeem yourselves, peasants!

PROVIDE DUE PRAISE FOR THE MIGHTY MUTANT OVERLORD!

Chief Scientific Advisor.

Because I am the only one qualified. And for reasons too complicated for anyone to understand, other than me.

Royal demonic creature, due to my strange demonic and chicken-like powers.

Both strong bids, but lacking in fawning praise.

Get it right, plebs!

ALL HAIL ME!

sire.
i hope you understand i had to first consider if i was worthy of a title in your regime.i humbly consider myself to be a loyal servant.

i wish to be considered for the title of
head of the trout kingdom embassador to singapore
 & chief Deligator.
 
in this role
i will arrange for state visits by yourself to meet the local head tribesman and  no matter what i am asked to do. no matter how high the price or how humilating the task i will get some one else to do it.
please consider me for this role oh great shineing one.

such a glorious leader to even consider asking we peasants to request our own roles.such an honour your majesty

I would be happy with an acknowlodgement of my existence from a exhultant one such as you.  However if you are passing out titles t would be unfair not to claim one for myself.

I would like to be Royal Waffler, B*llshitter and if I can have my old title of Sycophant too, that would be the icing on the cake.  Please please please Oh Mighty King!!

Yer Slippo

Pish! I already have a title, a fake fishy visage, and deathly haunting abilities. What can you offer me, eh?

The mighty king will bring you back to life.....

...only to kill you again, with spoons.

That two aboard!
Excellent work, oh my loyal peasants!

DD is hereby appointed my Prime Minister, and executive head of the Trout kingdom, as well as esteemed ambassador to Singapore and, just to make it posher, Deligator-in-Chief!


And how could I refuse such a wonderful title to diGriz?
Consider yourself be Royal Waffler, Bullshitter and Sycophant, young Slippo!


ALL HAIL ME!

I would like the role of Chief Torturer, mainly because I am a sadistic bitch.

Hmmm! I'm not one to bow down and praise, but seen as it's you, you wonderfully regal, intelligent and may I also say attractive Troutship, I'll do it this once.

ALL HAIL YOU

Now, that's the type of praise I like.

Chief Torturer it is!

PRAISE THE FISH!

How about chief scientific advisor becuase I know the scientific behind your ability to type with fins, breathe out of water and surf the net - and I'm willing not to share it with enemies of the acquatic state?

*bows in supplication to the mighty monarch*
Oh almighty trout-like one will you see it in your mighty wisdom to deem me worthy of the title royal demonic type person-thing.

*grovels more*

ALL HAIL THE FISH!

Heh!
Have you seen what they do to Trout in the land of the Vikings?
You need to appoint a royal advisory to the Nordic lands- or fear invasion (followed by a pickling).
And I know of just the person, fluent in the language, and currently stationed in the nordic vicinity.

Hail Trout!

Fear the Remoulade!

Have you seen what they do to Trout in the land of the Vikings?

I'm guessing this involves soaking it in lye and burirying it in a barrel for several years, before digging it up and consuming it with great glee.

Homage to you, oh image of piscine perfectioness. No Chief Torturer or Scientific Adviser of any court should be without their token hunchback. I would be greatly honored if you would bestow upon me the title 'Royal Ygor' so I may do menial jobs in the torture and scientific areas and be flagellated on a regular basis. I have a second-hand hump I picked up at a boot fair and have been perfecting the stereotypical hunchback speech impediment.

*CRACK* "Thank you, Maaaaarster.(slurpy intake of air) May I have another twenty lashes before I fetch the nipple clamps?"

Bah! my secret Cabal not good enough for you, wils?

May I have another twenty lashes before I fetch the nipple clamps?"


Nipple clamps! So, that's what your icon is!!!

Bah! my secret Cabal not good enough for you, wils?

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! :)

I can rhyme with the best,
I'd say this to the king,
And I can be fawning,
If that is your thing.

Your scales they are shiney,
Your fins they are fine,
You can drink like a fish,
Be it spirits, beer or wine.

And popular with the ladies!
You can turn a head.
What they wouldn't give,
To get that trout to bed.

A bloke among blokes,
A man among men.
If you gave him a score,
It would have to be ten.

This verse is near over,
My rhyme near done.
A favour to ask,
I have only one.

A place at your side,
Thats all I need.
Jokes and poems,
I'll write at great speed.

To be your court jester,
That's all I'll say.
Go on King Trouty,
Make my day.      

BAAHHH !

fish face you are a cunning one ! you hang back like a big coward muttering pathetically about fake queens but not DAREing to tackle me, until LO just when i must away to the Granite city Rally & have mine eyes over full with grid references, you choose to up rise. well played you scaley fiend. but YAAAAAAA BBBOOOOOO to your cowardice, until you have the bravery to face me in battle you reign will always be false & feeble.

no not listen nor fawn my lovely subjects..remember you are all MINE, i provide a stable & shiney kingdom not mere false promises.


PFffffff i may not be able to fight this day, but rest assured FISH face, I consider these subjects as my playthings & i shall not relinquish my throne without a mighty battle.....later....

you have been warned !!!!!
step down now & wash my feet in humility.

BWA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!

Stinky Bou of the misty isle, you are no match for the evil that is the terrible Troutman!

MWAW HAW HAW!

Your ludicrous claims of domination are almost beneath my notice, and I hereby predict your end with an adapted Scots rhyme...

Daft Bou is a firey bold
She pits oot fires

She's weird and sad and smells of mould
She pits oot fires

She went tae fight a fire one night
And somebody shouted, "Dynamite!"

Wherever she is, she'll be alright...
She pits oot fires!

HA-HA!


As for the rest of you, what a fine bunch of common scum you all are!
With due appreciation for your forelock-tugging, here's my governmental line-up so far:

Prime Minister, head of the executive, ambassador to Singapore and Delegator-in-Chief: DEVON'S DADDY

Royal Waffler, Bullshitter and Sycophant: DIGRIZ

Chief Torturer: MALCHIDIEL

Chief Scientific Advisor: THE ENIGMATIC DR X

Royal Demonic Chicken-Like Creature: DEMON_CHICKEN

Ambassador to the Nordic Lands: UKDANE

Token Hunchback Sometimes Called Igor: WILS

Court Jester (with simply wonderful poetic abilities, even if they do seem inspired by Pat Mills): DOUNREAY

That's a Cabinet core of seven, which is a damn good start. There's still room for a few more, as long as you remember the gold rule:


ALL HAIL THE PUISSANT POISSON!

"Cabinet core of seven"

Or possibly eight. I clearly need someone to do my accounting for me.

My strange and secret powers lie in other spheres. :-)

- Trout

Excellent choice your maj,
Your cabinet will shine.
I'm off to practice prancing and capering,
Soon as I finish  this line.

how about this

the chief torturers man ie someone who acts as chief torturer when chief torturer is not around and also follows orders from chief torturer and of course the king

How about giving me the post of Head Administrator of Fishing and Agriculture.
I feel we can vastly improve the GNP of your kingdom by open up your boundaries to foreign fishermen (for a suitable fee). Not only will this provide gratuitous amounts of cash, it'll help substantially with the overcrowding and out of control population growth.

"how about this, the chief torturers man"

Mmmm, as far as I'm concerned, you're hired. Well I need someone to oil up my bits.

lets see what his kingness says first but i am up for this post

HAIL TO THE FISH

from the farthest reaches of your empire oh great one.
just to note there is some pretender in our mitst sire.i have alreay informed he cannot go around calling himself by any title he wants. the cheek.
K**G chillout indeed.

don't worry i am sure me and the boss can have some fun with this pretender

King Chillout? Irrelevant. Fear not, my followers!

Malky, delegate away. David is now chief torturer's assistant!

Fugitive, we've discussed fishing issues on the board before, so your job as Minister for Ag and Fish will be to destroy the fishing industry as quickly as possible!

BWA HA HA!

Punitive quotas will protect my finny minions, and create poverty and depression among all the fishermen of the world!

Hooray for the evil Brussels Eurocrats!

- Never forget the Trout is evil

HAIL TO THE FISH

from the farthest reaches of your empire oh great one.
not nearly enough respect in this thread your highness.

HAIL TO THE FISH

THE FISH IS MOST SACRED

i shall spill my blood and pledge featy to the king of the seas and of course the chief torturer sooo who is my first victem then?

sooo who is my first victem then?


the pretender and thread starter
K**G "the damn cheek of it" CHILLOUT

David, bring the pretender to my Torture Chamber, while I prepare the gonad crusher.

I'm not suddenly giving up my linneage because you got out of the wrong side of the pond oh great one.

I am still and always will be your loyal regent and heir to the empire.

Long live the fish(s)

aye aye sir

*goes off to grab king chillout via much force and use of bringer weapons from buffy*

Ah, hello Cornwall fish. I wondered where you were.

Your title is a heraldic one, so it's safe.

ALL HAIL ME!

I've been away on my travels oh lord but am delighted to return (and a timely return it is might i say).

All hail you.

all hail the trout

That Trout went on holiday
thus his oppressed subjects had their say
one & all said nothing
While Bou slugged it out with the new fake King.
t'was a battle extreem
King maskreplica was deid
so he haunted her heid
It could have all been shiney & happy
A kingdom peaceful & sappy

But horror of horrors the trout was too evil
he seduced away her inner cabal
DxB stole the late king ghost
while lovely Bou was being toast
fighting bush fires
when her kingdom expires...

tho tis not with out a fight
so she musters all her might
& shouts OYYYYYYY !!!!!
Trout BOyyyyyyyyyyy !
i challenge you to a dual
you dumb fishy FOOL !!!

Back from putting out heath fires then Bou?

Zeep...coff coff, wheeze, sniff, wheeze, ..ouch blisters...throat coff...yes, one gfot in the rhodies & gorse & babie birch plantation & big oaks...messy, coff.

BOU
you sound like victim of SARS. given it an accepted fact that there are computer viruses can you place wear a surgical mask whilst in the chat room.

some may suggest it was the rulers loyal legions who set the fires and lured you away from the board.
but that being said its not a bad thing to be second only to the king.
you are still higher then us, of course by gender
something fishy is truly next in line.

All Hail to The Trout!

Normally, I didslike outmoded concepts like royalty but the thought of a job has me doing a U-turn right over my principles.

I'd like a job in the Ministry of Knob Gags please.

There are four reasons for this:
a) The Trout is boundless in his evil and his rod is mighty
b) I'll buy you a pint
c) See Sperm Count link below
d) The Trout is boundless in his evil and his rod is mighty

I know that technically a) and d) are the same reason but your rod is *mighty*.

Link: Ministry of Knob Gags

LOL!

Minister of Knob Gags it is, oh silly one!

(But the offer of a pint was what swung it. Maybe one day I'll make it to Glasgow for some comics...)

- trout

so still not accepting my challenge ..coff coff...then fish face...how dya ....sneeeze ....wanna play this one out then scaley mush? sniff

Did anyone else hear something there?

Thought not. Must be some sort of vermin in my computer.

- Trout

oh Cummon ya big jessie !! gees a fair fight !!  snorrrtt......
see look i blew my nose on you you can't ignore that now!
whos in charge me or you? huh huh?
whos the lovely queen around here ? huh huh?
gonni fight or bargain?

look at my crown ain't it ethnic ? arent i lovely ?
fishspam. pff

Submitted without comment...

Link: Smoke 'em if you got 'em

Smirk

Blimey Zeep my sore lungs feel much better after than, just what the doctor ordered. so i assume that thats 2 problems solved then & i can  resume my shiney happy reign without irritation. ahhhh lovely.

jeeves put the armour on standby that helmet doesnt half snag my swishy hair

"Helmet"

Smirk

I'd be careful of this so called Queen Bou, yer maj. After all these West coasters have previous on pretending to thrones.

Might I suggest we declare a holey war?

What we do is dig a big hole outside bou's house. When she comes out in the morning and falls in, we all stand around eating sweets and lollies and don't share with her.

Of course, bou may be made of sterner stuff than most. We may have to resort to insults. Here's one I've made ready.

"If your a real fireman how come your names not Hugh, Frew, Barley, Magrew, Cuthbert, Dibble or Grub."

War - its not pretty, is it.

""If your a real fireman how come your names not Hugh, Frew, Barley, Magrew, Cuthbert, Dibble or Grub."

Or Sam.

P.S. Fireman?

aha my bringer cloak has arrived now i can fully enjoy the pleasure of ripping victems internal organs one by one with a smirk on my face

Such idiocy is beneath my notice.

- Trout

you tell them sir

yaaaaah the Trout's a big jessy!

Link: They're delicious roasted, too

watch it you lot or I'll set dibble on you.

mmm delicious pete thankyou, fancy a nice muskadet with that?

Ooh, thanks, Bou.
Mmmmmmm... that really brings out the flavour....

Hail, o hailworthiest of Trout,

Could I be your royal comics' reader?
Just send me all the comics you're about to read, I'll read them first & then send them back to you, with warnings about which ones suck arse.

Either way, I'm still glad to have a knighthood, I I'm keeping my sword swishy, shiney & red (much like Bou's hair I'm led to believe?)

Sir Oddboy.

Huzzah! Another Royal follower!

Official Royal Comics Reader it is, Sir Oddboy!

ALL HAIL......


wait for it....





ME!

roast him , toast him with almonds,
fillet, slice & dice with fresh herbs would be nice.......

hey Troutface permission to be the Royal person who kills you off & steals your throne once & for all. marvellous. thankyou.

ALL HAIL MEEE, wicked rather than eevil, and much cuter !! whaa hhaaa haaaaaa!!!

Leader of the Oppiscenition

er gereral... is that leader of the wotsit on my side of fish boys side? how aboot telling us aboot yur travel stories anyway ?

Side?  I'm just Generally Contrary.  I will regale the board with my travelogue over a glass of finest Tsingtao when my thoughts have cohered.