2000 AD Online Forum

I'd appreciate some help from the meglomaniacs on the board, at least while they can still think freely.

To boost the numbers in my horde of chaos, I was thinking about recruiting. To be honest, this is something I think I'll need to do anyway - most of humanity will be drooling, mindless zombies by the time I'm done with my Manchurian programming - but even so I think I'd like some company to rule over.

Now, the way I see it I have two options with a set of sub-categories, all with their up-sides and down-sides. The main categories are human or non-human, and the problems I forsee are:

HUMAN

OPTION 1: NINJAS
PROS: To be honest, I don't think you can go wrong with an army of nun-chucking, shurikiening assassins. Always good for a laugh.
CONS: Where do I get all that black for their uniforms? And surely they will just get shot from a distance? Or what if one of them in American and demands a set of dosgy sequel battles?

OPTION 2: MUTANTS
PROS: A variety of twisted spawn would be quite nice. Especially if their mutations were useful, like electric killer skin or an uncanny resemblance to Demi Moore. Or Durham Red. Or Famke Jansen in Z-Men. Or... any girl from the underwear thread.
CONS: Could be psychic and read my dirty mind.

NON-HUMAN

OPTION 1: ALIENS
PROS: Always up for a bit of world-shattering.
CONS: Not too reliable, and usually have a pathetic weakenss (gold, common cold, water)

OPTION 2: ROBOTS
PROS: Giant killer robots are always in vogue.
CONS: Too self sufficient? I don't want things going all Skynet/ Replicant on me.


Anyway, what would you suggest? I've got September's "Meglomania Monthly", and there's an ad up the back for a Venusian made killer Terminator that looks a bit like Demi Moore, only mutuated to be ten years younger. Should I just go for that?

Have you considered the VIRAL possibility?

Exactly what do you think I'd be doing with the killer mutant alien robots? Viral, indeed.

Anyway, no can do - see CONS to the use of aliens.

Busy day, Dr. X?

I'd forget about Ninjas in this weather. All that black's bound to cause debilitating heat exhaustion.

well Dr X the problem is, its a sellers market mate. yur average killer army isnt worth the bio-mech amalgums theyre printed on. If you want a real effecive fighting force you gotta think long term strategies here.  best get into the lab yourself.........

What yer need is an army o' kiddy ninja's, train em' an' raise em' so they'll have blind faith in yer orders and yer don't have ter pay em'.

Finnigan Sinister

But then they're only as good as you can teach them.
You'd still have to hire a professional Ninja Master to show them how to do the amazing CGI/wire/bluescreen moves.

Finnigan, I like your suggestion of an army of ninja babies and kiddies, but what happens when they become teenagers?!?!  I think Bou may have pointed out the potential difficulties that you face with a 'normal' set of kids, I tremble when I think what you might face if they have super-ninja powers as well.

I'd suggest avoiding the 'human' & 'alien' thing and go for 'modified pets'.  Get yourself some cute puppies, hollow em out and fit em with nasty killer robotics.  Great for infiltration, and the look of surprise on your victim's face when they morph into their killer form is just priceless.  Plus no poop and with the right breed, no shedding either.

WoD.

Forget all that, join an organised religion with conections to a govt, there are quite a few about, a night of the long knifes later you can wage whatever war you wish against whoever you wish B-)

 either that or get 'Age of Empires' or the Star Wars version of it if you fancy future war...

helpful Huff

Ah, you don't need an army to be a megalomaniac, Dr X.

Just be yourself and your natural megalomania will shine through.

But, here's a suggestion.

(If you're easily offended or under 18, stop reading now.)










Evil women, all in black, who can kill with the power of their genitalia.


Call them...

Minjas.

- Trout

(talks with tongue firmly in side of cheek)
How about an army of Young mothers with toddlers, who havent slept for many nights, and have had to just find a prking space cos everyone has parked in the mother and baby spaces, flanked by sulky teenage girls who have been told they cant go out dressed like THAT, with a cavillry of drunken teenage boys on mopeds, with heavy support from american tourists looking for the local 'traditional' pub?

give me the willies just thinking about it.....

I reckon you need an army which appears at first to be kind and more in tune with the people than the currenr government. Then the people will do most of the overthrowing for you. And then the army moves in and sets up yer basic fascist regime.

Zo, enigmatic Doktor X, ve meet at lasht!

You are beink foolish meglomanical fellow, I am thinkink. Vot you musht be doink is hirink zer fretenink lookink but totally ineffectual henchmens, vot are beink good at runnink up unt down viz der machine guns unt der big sticks unt fings but cannot be hittink der barn door ut free pacinks.  Zese are beink der recomendings for ein beginnink Evil Voorld Conqvestink Person!

Bevare! 'Der Army of Ninjas' package is only beink recommded for der Fiendish Oriental supervillian expectinks to be facink der Kung-Fu Type hero - ozervise der ninjas vill be flattenink zer hero before he has efen begun to foil your Evil Plan for Voorld Domination (tm)!

Doktor von Fiendishstein, editor 'Meglomania Monthly incorperating Supervillian World'.

Are you French?

"Are you French?"

VOT?!?! How be darink you, you fooooooooool!

Zis is beink voorsth possible insultinks to mine native gnomeland of Giberria! It iz beink plane dat I am beink Gibberish!

Ve musht be fightink der duel of honeurrr! Ve vill be droppink der 16 ton weights on each ozers heads at dawn...

Oy Docktor von, take those sweets outtof your mouth when you talk, no-one can understand a word..

pah ! in my day megolomaniacs were coherant, ( if rather lewd...Minja...BHA HA HAA!!)

"pah ! in my day megolomaniacs were coherant,"

Silence, Mrs Qveen lady!

Mine voords are beink enunciatinked mit der perfekt exactitidiness!

Be varned, any more ov der lip from you unt I vill be puttink your name on Der List, unt vhen I em rulink der Voorld dere vill be der big troubles!

Good Doktor, any aversions to garlic? mis-misatched socks? religious symbolism?
guys, reckon we need a well placed curtain at sun up wiv dis guy.....

"Good Doktor, any aversions to garlic? mis-misatched socks? religious symbolism?"

Vot iz dis? Silly fellow, I em not beink der GOOD Doktor, em beink ein EVIL Doktor! You vill be payink more ov der attentions in der futures, La De Da man!

Younk peepols today, dey are knowink nozzink...

I em not hefink der vulnerableness to none ov dem fings, but em haffink tendency to become impaled on own veapons or fallink into mine own fussion reactor at last minute.

Hang on, I know why your name's familiar...
you're the one that the National Union of Igors and Associated Lackeys (NUIAL) refused to work for after the last 'accident' arnt you?
Heard that the smoke could be seen from the next town 20 miles away.......
They said that cold fusion couldnt be done with a box of ice creams and a nuclear bomb, but you just wouldnt listen would you.....

Smiley, that's my line you bastard... you are sooooo dead!

You foooool! Der Nasnul Onion of Igors unt Associatink Lackeys voold be refusink to voork viz you UNLESS dere iz beink CERTAINTY of der explodinks unt rampagink mobbinks!

Unless dere is ein readily awailable rampagink mob wiz der flamink torches unt der runnink up unt down dey vill not efen bozzer to get aht ov dere coffins.  

"Smiley, that's my line you bastard... you are sooooo dead!"

Smiley fellow vos not efen bozzerink to turnink up ut ein duel! Deshpicibles fiend!

Next time I em haffink zer big juggernaught unt der cowboy boots unt der chasinks up unt down der highvays of America for mine duelinks. Zen he vill be sorry, oh yes!

When one is considering taking over the world, its always a great idea to get first class mooks and goons to act as scapegoats, cannonfodder, timely distraction, leaving you free to get down to the buisness at hand with little fuss.

May I recommend Villan Supply for any would be dictator or meglomaniac! Here you will all your domination needs under a one stop banner, ideal for both the small state leader with bigger plans, or the evil genius with eyes for larger scale operations.

Marc aka Dr Dominator

Link: Villian Supply

Heh! Venir et tenter si vous pensez que vous ?tes plut?t dur, vous b?tard orange!

I don't know, but the fifteenth word is definitely 'Oranges'.

Killer armies are so last week. Get with the programme and get some weapons of mass destruction instead.

Apparently invisible ones are now available to rent or buy.  

Oh and how many wars have you won you garlic smelling, wine swilling, shit music listening frog?

Zombie Pirates!

    Steve

(Sorry, guess which film I've just seen...)

the main problem with ninjas is amount of damn rice. they expect each day.
also they refuse to wear the brightly coloured and well tailored uniforms you offer.

best to go with a group of females. and deprive them of chocolate just before any suspected uprising amongst the unwashed. '

bonuses are best offered in shoes.

i tell you its the way to go for this sort of thing.

Whatever you do, give them bulletproof vests.

ARRGGGHHH VOLGANS!!!!
worse than any mad doktor.....

"best to go with a group of females. and deprive them of chocolate just before any suspected uprising amongst the unwashed. '"

You big fool!  You cannot be deprifink der female henchvoormen ov der chocolate! Dat iz beink der sure vay ov ensewink der uprsinks, tantrums unt der Terrible Cold Shoulder Treatments!

Iz besht to be avoidink der females henchvoormans altogetherness.  Vhy, before you are knowink it, der Secret Headqvarters ov Evil iz beink filled viz der cushions, unt all ov ein 'Artifakts ov Evildoinks' haz been 'tidied avay' vhere you cannot be findink dem.  

May I suggest, if you want to bring the world crashing to a halt, that you build an army of  IT support staff, armed with Windows XP upgrades.
grrr!

Minimum ?50 an hour.  No jokes.  

Yer "Im off contracting" Slips

gruddam it fiendishstein get elocution lessons i can't understand a word you say.

aye, bribe me with shoes ( booooots, high shiney booooots ) & i'll be yur killer army defo, tho the chocolate deprivation is a bit harsh. theres also the "they said youve got a big arse >"
 "WHAT !!!! ? ROAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!"
technique.
and if i defeat a whole continent for ye can i get a shiney new silver breast plate in time for moniaive?

Ninjas are no good. Their role was very similiar to the S.A.S, secret ops, etc.

What you need is a group of American action film heroes. These guys can take on entire armies and win without so much as a scratch (apart from a cool looking cut above eyebrow).

The downside with these guys is, they won't fly to other countries following terrorist attacks.

"gruddam it fiendishstein get elocution lessons i can't understand a word you say."

Vot! Gablongensnitzen unt donnakablamus, mine voords are makink der perfekt senses, zo called Qveen Victoria Firey-Boobs!

I em haffink der aufentik 'Mk. vun Supervillainink Accent (Generic East European)', suitables for James Bond villanousness unt mid to late sixties cult televisual shows, zo dere!

Ok, where did the Blessed Dennis and Doktor Von Fiendishein go then? I go away and they disappear.... spooky...... did he get his army?
will we ever know?
do we care?