Hey everyone, I was looking to pitch a future shock to 200AD and I finished my story tonight, titled "Dumb Bastard". I'm not going to post the whole thing, as I read in the FAQ that that would be unwise, so I'll just go with the first page for now. I'd really like to know what you guys think of it-if you want to keep reading than I think I've done my job, but once again, all kinds of feedback are wildly appreciated. Thank you so much.
"Dumb Bastard"
-Chris Jones
Page 1, Panel 1: A group of four men, ranging from about 25 to 40 years old, is driving a jeep down a street in a city that's obviously in a post-war state, aka blown to pieces-there's buildings crumbled to the ground and rubble everywhere. These men are all rather shabby looking-many of them have wild, untrimmed facial hair, are dirty and wearing torn up clothes. A man who has the look of a retarded person is sitting on the curb of the street, a St. Bernard sitting by his side. This young man has a metal plate in his head, with the letters COS emblazoned in enormous print across it. There is a set of bags filled with food and clothes belonging to Davy situated behind him. The driver of the jeep points his thumb mockingly towards the retarded-looking young man.
Caption: 2300 AD, Chicago. Post-Grand War IX.
Driver(Bill): Well, look who it is, fellas! Ol' shit-for-brains Davey Clint! He's from my town!
Man 1(Carl): Never heard of him. Should I have?
Panel 2: Bill gets out of the jeep and beckons the other three men to follow him. He looks at Davy with an air of cruelty and superiority. The Saint Bernard starts growling menacingly at him. Davy stares forward with a blank look in his eyes and his mouth still hanging open.
Bill: You remember back when COS was looking for volunteers to be "automated", promising a wage increase in exchange for their thinking abilities while on the job?
Bill: Well, this dipshit was one of the only takers and, wouldn't ya know it, the technician in charge fucked up and turned him retarded.
Dog: Grrrrrr...
Panel 3: Bill kicks the dog in the stomach hard, obviously agonizing the dog. Davy, panicked, runs to protect the dog.
Bill: Shut the fuck up!
Dog: *euurf*
Davie: Noo-oo! Don' hurt th' dog!
Panel 4: Three of the four men have now ganged up on Davy and are kicking the shit out of him, causing him to try to curl up in the fetal position to try to avoid too hard of a beating. The dog slinks away while the fourth member of the group starts rummaging through the bunch of bags, pulling some food out in one arm and some clothes out in another. He turns and shouts excitedly at his friends, proud of his bounty.
Bill: 'Choo fuckin' tell me what to do, retard!
Carl: Kick his ass!
3rd Man(Howard): You guys, check it out! This guy's got food and clothes!
Panel 5: The men walk back to the jeep, carrying all of Davy's provisions with them. Davy, lying on the ground, beaten and bloody, looks up at them with an innocent, child-like shock in his eyes while clutching at his stomach. Bill looks down at him with a vicious, contemptuous sneer. Howard chuckles at Bill's little joke. Carl is the one getting into the driver's seat this time while Bill, holding the provisions, seats himself in the back.
Bill: Don't see any reason THIS simple fucker should have any of it.
Davy: B-but that's mine!
Bill: Yeah? Come over here and take it from me, then.
Howard: Heh.
Panel 6: Bill leans out and throws an empty beer can at Davy's head as they drive away. Davy crawls over to his dog and hugs him tightly, screwing his eyes shut and trying to block out the pain and nastiness he just went through.
Bill: We'll be comin' back tomorrow to see what else ya got for us, Davy! Better be some good shit or we'll beat you TWICE as bad!
Davy: Don' hurt my dog.
"Dumb Bastard"
-Chris Jones
Page 1, Panel 1: A group of four men, ranging from about 25 to 40 years old, is driving a jeep down a street in a city that's obviously in a post-war state, aka blown to pieces-there's buildings crumbled to the ground and rubble everywhere. These men are all rather shabby looking-many of them have wild, untrimmed facial hair, are dirty and wearing torn up clothes. A man who has the look of a retarded person is sitting on the curb of the street, a St. Bernard sitting by his side. This young man has a metal plate in his head, with the letters COS emblazoned in enormous print across it. There is a set of bags filled with food and clothes belonging to Davy situated behind him. The driver of the jeep points his thumb mockingly towards the retarded-looking young man.
Caption: 2300 AD, Chicago. Post-Grand War IX.
Driver(Bill): Well, look who it is, fellas! Ol' shit-for-brains Davey Clint! He's from my town!
Man 1(Carl): Never heard of him. Should I have?
Panel 2: Bill gets out of the jeep and beckons the other three men to follow him. He looks at Davy with an air of cruelty and superiority. The Saint Bernard starts growling menacingly at him. Davy stares forward with a blank look in his eyes and his mouth still hanging open.
Bill: You remember back when COS was looking for volunteers to be "automated", promising a wage increase in exchange for their thinking abilities while on the job?
Bill: Well, this dipshit was one of the only takers and, wouldn't ya know it, the technician in charge fucked up and turned him retarded.
Dog: Grrrrrr...
Panel 3: Bill kicks the dog in the stomach hard, obviously agonizing the dog. Davy, panicked, runs to protect the dog.
Bill: Shut the fuck up!
Dog: *euurf*
Davie: Noo-oo! Don' hurt th' dog!
Panel 4: Three of the four men have now ganged up on Davy and are kicking the shit out of him, causing him to try to curl up in the fetal position to try to avoid too hard of a beating. The dog slinks away while the fourth member of the group starts rummaging through the bunch of bags, pulling some food out in one arm and some clothes out in another. He turns and shouts excitedly at his friends, proud of his bounty.
Bill: 'Choo fuckin' tell me what to do, retard!
Carl: Kick his ass!
3rd Man(Howard): You guys, check it out! This guy's got food and clothes!
Panel 5: The men walk back to the jeep, carrying all of Davy's provisions with them. Davy, lying on the ground, beaten and bloody, looks up at them with an innocent, child-like shock in his eyes while clutching at his stomach. Bill looks down at him with a vicious, contemptuous sneer. Howard chuckles at Bill's little joke. Carl is the one getting into the driver's seat this time while Bill, holding the provisions, seats himself in the back.
Bill: Don't see any reason THIS simple fucker should have any of it.
Davy: B-but that's mine!
Bill: Yeah? Come over here and take it from me, then.
Howard: Heh.
Panel 6: Bill leans out and throws an empty beer can at Davy's head as they drive away. Davy crawls over to his dog and hugs him tightly, screwing his eyes shut and trying to block out the pain and nastiness he just went through.
Bill: We'll be comin' back tomorrow to see what else ya got for us, Davy! Better be some good shit or we'll beat you TWICE as bad!
Davy: Don' hurt my dog.