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Messages - Mary Poppins

#1
Suggestions / Re: Philosophy of Judge Death
01 September, 2009, 01:14:31 AM
Here's my twopence on the subject.  Highly personal, without any research and entirely subjective, taken wholly from Death's first appearance:

First victim is Tiny the tap (little cock), Death enters him with a teeth baring look of orgiastic pleasure.  The 'little death' of sex has been enacted.  Tiny's face in 'death' is wide-eyed and open-mouthed.  The judges had been chasing Tiny through a 'maze', (his sexuality).  There is a smell of decay - ie sex.  The moralist pronounces consumation a sin, which must result in death.  The decay and decomposition could be read as venereal disease.  Death has 'come to judge you' - the price of acting. 

At the Rabbit Hutch (sex again) Death is drawn by the sound of life - namely dancing, people enjoying themselves, living and acting in the world.  There is a lot of flesh on show.  Death 'kills' again, saying "I just stick my hand in and ssqueezze."  The bodies on the ground look like a post-orgy scence, to which the 'Judge' exclaims - 'What a nightmare'.  Death pierces a judge, then a group of men 'shoot' into him.  They follow this up by exclaiming: 'We're blowing chunks off him - but he keeps coming.' 
Later, Dredd wants to 'fill' Anderson in.  She responds by commenting on his 'dirty secrets'.  In contacting Death, Anderson adopts an orgiastic expression - head tilted back, nostrils flaming. 

Death condemns the living for the crime of living, namely being active, sexual
beings in the world, through choice.

After a veiled masturbation scene with Anderson in her bed, Death enters and consumes her.  She carries the 'corpse' of her virginity from the 'morgue' stating that she 'can't - help - myself.'  Her old/moralistic self fights to regain control of the beast she carries within.  This aspect of her awakened self fights Dredd, only to be overcome by the desire to be 'trapped' forever with the 'beast' inside her, which can't be allowed to get out.

Who is Death - he's the personification of the stultifying morality which condemns human action as unworthy, beastly, decadent, corrupt and unnatural.

As I say, it's my reading, so feel free to disagree.
#2
General / Re: ULTIMATE UNINTENTIONAL INNUENDO WAR
01 September, 2009, 12:23:13 AM
How about:

1.  Abelard Snatch
2.  Balls Brothers
3.  D.R. & Quim
4.  Judge Giant - supporting cast
5.  Orlok the Assman - taking up the rear
#3
General / Re: Irrational fear
23 August, 2009, 10:40:15 PM
I've a real problem with crowds - lifts, shopping malls, confined spaces with lots of people, especially if we're all being coralled in one direction, eg, snaking queues at passport control. 

Absolutely hate out-of-town malls, large supermarkets and especially IKEA - went once, never been back.  If you've never been, you should try it if you get the chance.  I'm not kidding but you are forced to walk through the store in a particular direction, no aimless wandering allowed.  There's no windows, no sense of the outside world and no inclination of how the f*ck to get out of the place!

One of my brothers though, has a phobia about rabbits - which I think is obviously nuts!

I think my problem is obviously about control, or the lack of it - I always need to know where the exits are, how to escape.  Sound familiar to anyone?
#4
Thanks for all the suggestions - the Xmas decoration idea will come in handy this festive season.

Today I picked up another whole chicken for the princely sum of £2.34 (again freerange) from Morrisons - god bless the credit crunch!.  This week I'm thinking of:

1. Roast chicken
2. Chicken stir-fry
3. Chicken pakora
4. Chicken noodle soup

I'm going to be on the lookout for cheap, quality meat for a Desperate Dan style cowpie for next Sunday.  Any suggestions?
#5
General / Re: The Never Ending Tale of Edwin Dweeble.
23 August, 2009, 08:15:17 PM
...the mangled, zombie figure of veteran Brit-TV entertainer, Noelle Edmonds.  Carrying a Strato-2000 chainsaw in his left hand and a red box in his right, Noelle wandered aimlessly into the room, muttering incoherently...
"Dis is da dream factory...da dream factory...who wants to speak to da banker?" he asked, stumbling around the room in his kiddie-bothering tight trousers.
Picking up the vid-phone, he screamed "It's da banker! and da offer is 23,000 creds."
Mrs Dweeble sprung into action, dousing Edmonds in petrol from her home arson kit, which she kept in her handbag in case of emergencies.
As Edmonds burned, the kids started to toast marshmallows on the flames, Noelle's writhing body twitching with searing pain.
Edwin seized his chance, pulled down his trousers and showed everyone his...

#6
Classifieds / Isolation - anyone remember?
19 August, 2009, 10:31:32 PM
I used to love playing this game - Isolation, with my brother when I was young.  Does anyone remember it & also has anyone got a spare/willing to sell?

#7
Today I bought a chicken from Morrisons for £3 (it was even freerange) and had roast chicken, fried pots & peas - yumm!
Later, I stripped the carcass and made chicken soup with the bones.
I'm making chicken curry tomorrow.
Anyone any ideas what I can do with the legs? (ps - make it legal!)

Also, what's the most amazing thing you've done with a chicken?
#8
General / Re: Favourite moment...
19 August, 2009, 09:37:47 PM
For me, it's got to be when Feg came out from the horned painting on the wall.  Classic.
#9
General / Re: The Never Ending Tale of Edwin Dweeble.
19 August, 2009, 09:20:32 PM
"...for your family's kidneys?"

Having only just arrived here in MC1 and been aware of its reputation for lawlessness, before I had left Brit-Cit I'd taken a number of precautions.

"My children are wired to explode on my command," I screamed, "and my wife can cut a man in two with her hair straightening tongs."

"Cool it, Bisto-boy" he grinned, playing with his gutting knife, "this won't hurt...too much!"

Suddenly, the window exploded and crashing into the room, dressed in pink underpants, oversized clown shoes and carrying two wooden spoons came...
#10
General / Re: Is it true reading Slaine...
16 August, 2009, 03:34:34 PM
Be pure, Be vigilant, Ooohhh Behave! (in a Kenneth Williams style)
#11
General / Re: Is it true reading Slaine...
16 August, 2009, 03:30:07 PM
King Trout, it's the freckled in our midst that worries me!
#12
General / Re: Is it true reading Slaine...
16 August, 2009, 03:09:58 PM
I'm not offended.  No-one needs to apologise to anyone.  I think that pointless pseudo-science gets promoted by the Right quite regularly - that's what's offensive.
Examples:

a)Gays don't make good parents/soldiers/human beings
b)Single mothers are feckless
c)The unemployed are lazy and indolent
d)Black men are disproportionately dominant in US prisons, ergo black men are criminals, etc, etc
e)Watching G. Norton/L Grayson/J Inman/C Biggins turns you gay
f)Using 'Little Lord Fondleboy' as a name is offensive. (It means 'I'm a wanker' taking the piss out of myself)
#13
General / Re: Is it true reading Slaine...
16 August, 2009, 01:38:51 PM
It has also been discovered that:

a)Injecting iodine into the eyes of kittens causes blindness
b)A goat thrown off a multi-storey carpark will suffer horrendous injuries or death.
c)Nailing testicles to a wall can be painful
d)Latent homophobia can manifest itself in many ways
e)It's no-one's business who consenting adults sleep with/what they read/watch or enjoy as pastimes.
f)The devil makes work for idle hands...
#14
General / Re: What would be in my ideal 2000ad strip?
14 August, 2009, 05:47:07 PM
I'll keep going with this - until cancer gets me!

The New Adventures of Colon Bowel – Transvestite SS Dinosaur Detective of the Future

A hard rain teemed mercilessly onto the brooding city as bomb craters flared their phosphorous death glow into the deep maws of the slate grey night.  Patting his jodhpurs, Colon searched for his lighter, a damp cigar hanging limply from rouge-red lips.  His tyrannosaur tail swished as he took a deep puff, pulling his greatcoat closer.
Feeling the soothing silk beneath the uniform caress his green, scaly skin, Bowel sighed heavily.  The siege was now 10 months old.  After eating the zoo, the troops had emptied the sewers of rats.  Now dinosaur was turning against dinosaur. 
Crazed cannibal dinosaurs roamed the city by night - his city!
Stepping back into the shadows, Bowel trod on the remains of his cigar, the miniscule stub now impossible to hold in the hard grip of his painted fingernails.  Movement ahead.  A dank shadow passes fleetingly through the night, the glint of tempered axe steel catching the reflection of a nearby explosion.  Peering over his black, rain soaked Death's-Head cap, Bowel steps into the alley, his paw instantly finding the gun holstered at his side.
"Halt or I shoot!" he commands, raising his sleek Luger through the downpour.  The figure stops, turns its head towards Bowel and flashes cold, dead eyes in his direction.  Not dinosaur he thinks, definitely not dinosaur – whatever this thing is, it's definitely not dinosaur.  The beast holds a bag in its un-clawed hands - body parts, legs and arms poke out from the top, as the rain sweeps the blood from the severed limbs onto the wet ground.  Bowel hesitates, unsure whether the beast is real.  He shakes his head, grunts and the beast is gone. 
Detective Bowel had met his first human.
#15
General / Re: What would be in my ideal 2000ad strip?
14 August, 2009, 04:24:21 PM
Love it!  Here's the start of a story - anyone wanna play?

The Adventures of Colon Bowel – Transvestite SS Dinosaur Detective of the Future

A hard rain teemed mercilessly onto the brooding city as bomb craters flared their phosphorous death glow into the deep maws of the slate grey night.  Patting his jodhpurs, Colon searched for his lighter, a damp cigar hanging limply from rouge-red lips.  His tyrannosaur tail swished as he took a deep puff, pulling his greatcoat closer.
Feeling the soothing silk beneath the uniform caress his green, scaly skin, Bowel sighed heavily.  The siege was now 10 months old.  After emptying the zoo, the troops had emptied the sewers of rats.  Now dinosaur was turning against dinosaur. 

Crazed cannibal dinosaurs roamed the city by night - his city!