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Sorry to all you folks in Manchestah, it must be awful for you :)


MANCHESTER COMMONWEALTH GAMES

As you may know, Manchester will be hosting the Commonwealth games this July. What you may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular, have been especially altered for Manchester. A copy of the changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.



OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.


THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.


100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.


110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)


HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.


SHOOTING (DRIVE-BY)

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun


BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.


CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.


CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.


MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.


SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised. Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping a tab of acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by The Happy Mondays.


THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.


MEN'S 50KM WALK


Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester, especially anyone that appears to be mincing....


THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Stockport community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused Man United organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the
copper piping and the central heating boiler.


LATE NEWS:

To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has been waived this year!

Some more for the laydeez:


Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.


Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.


Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg? Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask for directions.


Why are men like the letter Q?
A big zero with a small tail....


Why do men marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.


What do you never want to hear while having good sex?
Honey, I'm home!

Hey c'mon you folks, don't leave me to do all the work, There must be someone out there with at least a quick one-liner. Sigh, allright, one more:

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old runs a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come  up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never
get that forgetful." knocking on wood for good measure. A few seconds later she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

And here's some for all you laydeez out there:

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
 
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

But will you be coming back? Meantime, here's another joke for you all:

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
 
The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"

And finally:

A cannibal is found crying next to large pile of shit.
 
A passerby asks "what's wrong"?.
 
The cannibal replies "I've just dumped my girlfriend".

Seeing as how there's a Religious thread going on elsewhere on site:

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before The Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.  "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," Said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine  into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here."

How about some more jokes then.

A little girl goes into the bathroom and sees her Mother about to get into the shower. She
says, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" Her Mother replies, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know Mommy," she replies, but what's growing in your butt?"

Poetry, Wow! That brought a lump to my trousers.

Here's something daft for the male boarders out there...

SECRETS TO A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP

1.  It is important to find a woman who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.

2.  It is important to find a woman who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.

3.  It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

4.  It is important that these three women never meet.

karne flinches from a well aimed punch from Mrs karne who has just appeared at his shoulder Oooyah!!!

I am diminished! Oh well we might start getting something interesting on this thread now. Not off me though :)

Hi honey's, I'm home!

He, he. You said "ring"

Back up to the top you go Mr Thread!

C'mon let's have some really funny ones.