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If we're not careful we could end up with Jareth, the Goblin King. There's a future I'd rather not think about.

I quite fancy King from the videogame Tekken. He became a wrestler to support an orphanage! But surely The Lion King is the most apt for England, plus he might eat Suella Braverman.

That Ladyhawke stuff is awesome. Out of my budget unfortunately, but good to see the auction going in that direction!

I also like it when we get some differing opinions here - if anything we don't get quite as much debate as I'd like on the Prog thread tbh! I'm also in a couple of groups for music things where there's very little critical analysis of stuff and things are either a huge love-in, or everything gets slagged off. The different views on here is one of the things I like here: as an anthology I never expect to like 100% of the Prog and I never read someones opinion that's not the same as mine and think 'oh, that's wrong' - in fact I'm really interested if they say why they like something I didn't, because it encourages me to go back and look at it with a fresh perspective.

It's quite cool to read a positive opinion on Joe Pineapples, because the almost overwhelmingly negative response it had here was a bit uncomfortable. It really wasn't for me, but I'm glad someone was digging it.

[Dredd]

Anyway, I got this Prog Saturday and just want to say what a glorious treat that was to start my weekend with.

On the Prog itself:

Dredd this isn't my favourite recent Dredd tale but there's nothing wrong with it at all. Next episode needs an explanation rather than more pages of business dudes killing each other. I really liked the opening page, and the accounts judge being in a firefight as part of his audit. The axe murderer dude, despite looking more like a 'classic' MC1 weirdo, looks a bit out of place here which is ironic given some of us have been moaning everyone looks too contemporary.

The Out Absolutely beautiful episode, big plot advance, really loving this. Not as bothered as perhaps I should be by the final page?

Future Shock Really nicely done FS. Cool stuff.

The Order It all seems to be moving a bit quickly now doesn't it? I'm usually alright with following The Order but the last couple of epsiodes are moving at such a clip I'm starting to lose it a bit and I admit I'm a bit confused about The Shadows and liked it better when it was all wurms. Good to see Bacon again as I feel we've spent ages with Belair and not enough time with the other, better characters. That panel with the severed head is the first time in ages I've seen a frame in the Prog and recoiled slightly - horrible (excellent) work!

Proteus Vex Just amazing!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw the 'StarWarsness' of this cover. Cyd looks very Carrie Fisher-esque here as well - I wouldn't be surprised if she was the reference here. I've thought this series of The Out has Cyd looking a lot more photo reference-y (if that makes sense) at times tbh.

At the risk of incurring the wrath of the forum, especially considering the last cheese related outrage in these parts, what about Cheddars?

Hmm. I always thought these were crackers. Whilst tasty, I'm not sure a savoury 'biscuit' really fits the criteria.

All this talk of marshmallow in a biscuit reminds me Jam Mallows - a flat biscuit with two rows of coconut-covered marshmallow and some jam. Always a prize if scrounged from a plate of biscuits at an elderly relatives, I've not had one for years; they look a bit revolting now.

Yeah, part of the reason I've not started Crypt is that I remember it not being fun at all...
Redeemer on the other hand is great. I really recommend it, although you do have to endure the rubbish that is Inferno.

Here's Redeemer part 2!


Eris having been a classic Mungo, I restart and this time decide to follow Cassandra, who promptly kills me and gouges my emerald eye out. Not having that, so I reroll my missed attack, throw her across the cavern, and we eventually decide on a truce - at least until we reach an upper level. We head on together, not really trusting another, until we encounter a hooded figure in velvet ribes who turns out to be none other than.... Foxglove.
"I've been waiting for you" Foxglove says, stepping aside to reveal the twisted corpse of the creature that dragged her from the Black Widows chamber. She too suggest we join forces to escape - but first she wants to deal with Cassandra, as she has a score to settle there (as well as her general homicidalness, it was Cassandra who delivered Foxglove to me in Inferno and suggested I kill ger off). Cassandra warns me that somethings not right - Foxglove was always pretty weedy and lacked the skill to fight her own way free of the creatures of Nullaq, and says that she is my only hope to find Glaivas.
Finally there's a chance to utilise my little-used skill of Shin-Ren here which tells me something is off about Foxglove - her mannerisms and movements are strangely hollow. I've grown quite fond of Foxglove over the books but the is something wroing here so I move to stand with Cassandra. As I do Foxglove speaks aloud in a language I do not know, and to my horror what I thought was bioluminescent moss is revealed to be thousand of tiny spiders that surge towards us. As we scramble for higher ground Cassandra punches Foxglove and it is revealed that she has some kind of awful swollen spider attached to the back of her head, and as it flexes and takes full control of her her eyes go blank and her skin takes on a corpselike pallor. I splatter the spider with my sceptre and poor Foxglove collapses like an abandoned puppet into the carpet of spiders as Cassandra and I pull ourselves to safety into a cavern above.

After more wandering we come upon a pungent lake of sulphuric acid and we need each others help to proceed. Once again I am given the option to use Shin-Ren, this time to read Cassandra: she wishes me harm (of course) but is also telling me the truth about knowing how to reach Glaivas. I elect to stick with her, although she makes sure I am to go first into any hazards. In one cavern we find the remains of long dead warrior, their holy sword and symbol all that remains of them. This is, of course, another reference to Talisman of Death - it's the shieldmaiden, I think, who was killed defending the others.
We battle some kind of albino fiend, which very nearly kills me with my reduced kick attacks, and after reunite with Thybault the priest, who has become separated from Taflwr. At this point Cassandra attacks and departs - there is enmity between her and the holy man and the odds are no longer in her favour for killing me - and Thybault and I head off after her after he heals my injuries somewhat. We come across Cassandra crossing a classic jungle canyon rope bridge over a vast chasm. There is a confrontation, ending in me using a shuriken to cut the rope and drop her to her death.
With Cassandra dealt with we head to the Forbidden Sanctuary where Thybault wanders off again to look for Eris (these guys are idiots) and I proceed much as I did in gaining entry to the stalagmite and encountering the keeper, only this time I tell her to get Glaivas out of the cell instead of heading in myself. As she does so, to my absolute horror, another one of those brain spiders wriggles out of Glaivas's ear and jumps at me. I've got arrow cutting so I deflect the strike and crush it, but if I didn't this spider would have burrowed into my skull, joined the other one living in my cranial cavity and the two would EAT MY FUCKING BRAIN OH MY GOD.
Sneering, the Keeper reveals an image of the Black Widow wrapping her webbing around the outside of the stalagmite, trapping us in. Meanwhile Glaivas is starting to come round from his spider-possession. He's in a bad way, but handing him the paladins sword peps him up somewhat. He goes after the Keeper who transforms into a spider and sets off her final trap. One of the other cells open and another masked warrior steps out. He introduces himself as Amin the Fidai, a fanatical sect of assassins. He was brought here when Glaivas was captured and placed in the next cell where he has been meditating and preparing himself for the honour of killing me - for he specialises in defeating the monks of Kwon in battle.
What follows is another one of those cinematic battles that WotT is famous for... It's not quite as epic as previous books, but eventually I defeat Amin (Kwons Flail helps, as he is useless against it). With Amin lifeless and Glaivas having stomped the spider-keeper the rest of the cells open revealing the prisoners within, held in a sort of stasis. I free one fellow but he immediately dies as spiders spill from his head - the awful things were slowly eating his brain from the inside. The second prisoner is the wizard from Talisman of Death, recognisable in his golden robes the golden smiling mask. He is grateful but also dying - he reveals he was poisoned before being frozen, to allow his agonizing death to take years rather than minutes, as punishment for stealing the talisman. He speaks of a chamber dedicated to Fate, who sent he and his friends her all that time ago, and essentially makes the same offer to us as he did in ToD - to teleport us away from here, but to do so he will need to draw the power of the torch of Lumen. To be honest it's a no-brainer so I hand over the torch and with his dying efforts he zaps Glaivas and I out of there.

We're still in the Rift however, and the pursuit is on. Without the torch our only light is Glaivas's sword. More harrowing escapades follow until we wind up rescuing Taflwr and the long-missing Dore, who has lost a hand in battle. It seems Taflwr was rescued by Dore, who presumably has been charging around the Rift all this time, and then used his magic to find Glaivas hence our running into them. At this point we seem primed to escape, but Taflwr obviously wants to find Eris and Thybault. I don't want to leave anyone behind, so the three of us head off but this the wrong decision as although we reunite with the others we are overwhelmed and killed by the Black Widow shortly afterwards. Game over again.

Final part to come!

[cake]

Is a Tunnocks teacake a biscuit? A) legally, B) taxwise, and C) scientifically?

Asking for a friend.

Clue's in the name there, surely!

I adore Tunnocks teacakes. Way superior to a wagon wheel. My Mum used to send them to me when I was at university as they were so light, so the postage cost less. That essentially meant I used to live off Tunnocks teacakes.

There's some fine cases for delicious biscuits on this thread, but surely Lemon Puffs are the devils work.

I think I have figured it out.

You know when you pull the wee tab that's connected to the red strip, which cleanly opens the packet...

...and then there's one biscuit in the "lid" of the packet?

That's the best biscuit.

This is legit.

[Way of the Tiger: Redeemer (part 1)]

Way of the Tiger: Redeemer (part 1)

I've not had any time to play another FF book (next up is Crypt of the Sorcerer, which is the last one in the old series I can remember ever playing before, and also one I remember being insanely difficult) but I did find my notes from the playthrough of the final Way of the Tiger book, Redeemer, so I thought I'd write them up.

Inferno, which was not a good book by any stretch, ended on a cliffhanger with me (Avenger) stuck in a giant spiderweb and being threatened by a giant spider avatar of evil (The Black Widow) with the fearsome Rift along with my useless companions Eris, Vespers , Taflwr and Thybault and the recurring bad guys Cassandra, Tyutchev and Thaum plus of course the duplicitous Foxglove who I'd dragged along with me. We'd come in to rescue my old chums Glaivas, the most anti-Mungo of all companions to date, and Dore, who I consider a lunatic, but things had very much taken a turn for the worse.

That's where Redeemer starts. I and the others hang helpless in the web, unable to escape. As the spider approaches Foxglove calls out to it, saying she has brought the magic sceptre and me into her trap. FFS Foxglove! The Black Widow frees Foxglove and makes a show of saying how she betrayed me, but as she does so she slips an onyx spider into my hand and whispers 'help me..'. She then begs the Black Widow for her freedom but instead a horrible spider monster appears hauls her away. Dramatic start!
As the spider looms over us, Vespers the warrior frees himself and lunges at her with his mightiest strike. It is a doomed attempt, as she immediately kills him, but buys me a moment to speak the command words and cause the torch of lumen to flare up in her face, blinding her momentarily. She slashes out, tearing my leg and totally destroying my kick and acrobatics skills and screaming my name. But gods of fate be praised, as this activates none other than Everyman, the unkillable golem who pursued me in book 3 and I sent tumbling into the Rift. Everyman activates and attacks the Black Widow and whilst they're fighting I can use Foxgloves token to burn free of the webbing, snag the sceptre, and everyone legs it!
Everyone splits up. Eris goes one way, Cassandra another, Thaum and Tyutchev a third, and I cannot follow Taflwr and Thybault as the battle is in the way but I can go with each of the other three. I'd rather not end up with any of the villains so I join Eris.

We flee deeper into the Rift, using Eris's magic to light the way, dodging fights (Eris, as usual, is crap) until we're ambushed by Tyutchev and Thaum. They try to convince Eris to join them but a timely reminder of Vespers sacrifice sways the mage back to the side of good and the battle is on. I duel Thyutchev, counter his invisibility with my emerald eye and drive him back before Eris flees and I limp off in another direction. I continue to navigate the maze of the Rift alone, avoiding various hazards with my ninja skills until I come to the Forbidden Sanctuary, a huge glistening stalagmite mound jutting from the floor like a rotten tooth - the place where I was told (I cannot remember by whom) I might fight the missing Glaivas (remember him?). The Black Widow approaches however, creeping across the ceiling and doubtless in search of me, so I quickly scale the stalagmite and gain entry through a primitive window. As I do so the spider nestling within my head wriggles in anticipation (aaaaargh!)
Inside the corridor, such as it is, is waist deep in the unholy cursed waters of Nullaq. I follow a smear of blood to discover none other than Tyutchev and Thaum - again - who have murdered a priest of Nullaq and are busy looting the foul treasures of this place. They don't see me, so I purposefully set off the alarm and slip off whilst a horde of bad guys charge into them and, it is implied, send them to a well-deserved fate. FINALLY rid of that pair.
The inside of this place is horrific. Sickle-bearing guards are everywhere, their faces hidden behind grotesque masks, and in one room I find a vast wheezing creature that's a cross between a spider and an octopus, tended to by emaciated dark elves scratching at their own bleeding eyes. Not for the first time poison needles are a godsend here for killing rubbish guards and I reach the sanctum of the Forbidden Sanctuary, an evil temple awash with knee-deep corrupted water and adorned with decorations of spiders. Here I am confronted by The Keeper of the Sanctuary, an equally sinister priestess and successor to Shadazar (who I killed back in Warbringer). The keeper does not oppose me but rather gives me some exposition about fate and being instruments of the gods, which ties in neatly with all the previous books, and offers to lead me to Glaivas. En route she mentions that only once has ant surface dweller penetrated so deeply into the Rift - a bunch of heroes who took the sacred Talisman of Death and who still suffer here to this day. This blatant reference to Talisman of Death warms the heart of this geeky reader.
It all seems to be going well, which of course means things are about to go sour. The Keeper brings me to Glaivas, who is kept in a totally twisted cell and hugely the worse for wear, and then basically says good luck carrying this dude all the way to the surface. Overwhelmed with concern for my old friend I rush in to help him stand and of course the Keeper closes the cell behind me, trapping me for all eternity. Game over.

Part 2 to follow.

Barrington Boots: a man with the courage to fight his way undaunted through Nightmare Castle;
A man with the wisdom to know the true worth of own-brand custard creams.
This is a man I can follow.
I march beneath his trifle banner.

I should print and frame this and stick it on my wall.

I don't know what's worse. The cowardly custard creamer, or the coward who lets a cowardly custard creamer decide for him.

Harsh words from the mint club contingent!

Custard cream all the way!

Nowdays, with the shops full of artisan quadruple chocolate cookies with stem ginger chunks and the like, there is safety and serenity to be had in the simple custard cream: a staple of a childhood where getting a custard cream was a genuine treat and Brexit, Trump and Putin were yet nightmares undreamed of.
Satisfyingly old school in appearance, solid in texture, and definitely not expensive.
As an adult I have developed more appreciation for the humble Rich Tea, but for me a custard cream remains the pinnacle of biscuits.

Fantastic episode this. Great commentary, great insights, and the more Simon and Edie drift off script the better it is. Listening to this is 100% entertaining and not time wasted.

I love pirates and really dig this pirate bit of Dante. There's definitely a touch of ancient Ladybird book watercolour art about J M Burns: it's one of the things I really love about his art (and also, beautiful old Ladybird books).

Dry Run II

I'm so here for this.

[Dredd]

Very welcome Tuesday Prog after a messed up commute.

Dredd – Not really clicking for me so far. Lots of violence but it's all a bit joyless isn't it? Same issue as last week with the art being lovely, but not looking all that MC-1-esque overall. It'll be interesting to see what happens next with the reveal that this isn't just a straight up war of succession..

Joe Pineapples – Prog 2316 Joe says he's never going to see his mates in the ABCs again: little montage of them all in action. Prog 2322: after going through a timehole that apparently was there all the time, he immediately rejoins the Warriors.
Sadly this episode was pretty nonsensical. I really wanted to like this and it had a few cool moments overall, but this was a real duffer of a tale.

The Out – This is superb. Looks great, a lot of dialogue but all well-written and engaging, and a great cliffhanger.

The Order – This seems to suddenly be moving very quickly and I'm worried it'll suddenly end. I would also like to get back to Anna, or Clara / poorly realised Gideon. That aside, this is cool pulpy fun and looks magnificent.

Proteus Vex – This is also superb. Not sure what else to say about this that I or others haven't said already.. Gripping, epic stuff.