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I love guide horses; best of all the animals.
I love guide horses. They're my friends.

I enjoyed Darkplace for what it was, and not what I thought it ought to have been. As it happens, it looked like a rehearsal for Stephen Kings's adaptation of Kingdom Hospital (from Lars Von Trier's 'The Kingdom') for the American market.

As it happens, after Darkplace, I couldn't help but piss myself watching Kingdom Hospital, as well. It was an unfortunate scheduling that had the one so fresh in my mind while the other was on.

Oooh, this looks like fun. My go:

The pitch: The Sheriff starts spreading rumours that the Saracens could be in Britain within 45 days with their Masses of Destructive Weapons. Only by supporting him 100% can the townspeople stop this threat!

And why is he using Saracen weapons anyway? He'd never have got the right training to use them...

And, indeed, a Saracen bow would have been a compound bow made of several strips of wood, and would therefore have rapidly degraded to uselessness in the cold and rainy climes of Western Europe.

Incidentally, my own theory for the Sherrif's men wearing masks is because the extras are all too busy laughing at how shite the programme is.

Fegbarr. I think the child is named after the big, hairy, quarterstaff-wielding bloke in his back garden...

I got that, but also garnered the impression that the big bloke was going to be ever referred to as John, and nothing more.

Little John? A child? What happened to the fight over the river with the sticks?

This makes me more than a little annoyed. Fighting with sticks over rivers is the point of Robin Hood. Anyone who gambols on about reinventing the legend and bringing it into the twenty-first century can board the first train to fuckoffville, because I'm not having it. It's very simple; there are only three rules to Robin Hood:

1) Little John's a big bloke whose name is an example of primitive linguistic irony.

2) Said individual joins Robin's gang due to a fight on a very small bridge, sometimes a log, in which Robin knocks John off into the water. John  pulling Robin in after him is positively encouraged, though not absolutely necessary.

3) At some point there's an archery contest which Robin attends in disguise, even though everyone knows he'll show up anyway.


It's that simple. There's plenty of room for adventures in the middle of all that; I'm not opposed to those. I don't mind about the origin stories of any of the other Merry Men, or even that Guy of Guisborne goes around wearing a Matrix-style leather jacket for no credible reason other than to reinforce the fact that he's evil. But if they're going to make Little John into a child who actually is little, then I may as well start penning my letter to Points of View now.

Which I think I will...

I myself thought it an abominable sack of tosh. Seemed more like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Rubbish Combination of Old And New English For No Reason.

The super-accurate shooting I can just about let go by ('cause, y'know, it's Robin Hood) but then they had that sword-fight in the barn with all the flappy curtains! If that wasn't slipped in to make you think of Crouching Tiger, Hero and their ilk on a low budget I don't know what was.

Also, how could he be Robin of Locksley, Earl of Hungtindon? That'd make him Robin of Huntingdon. I expect many pedants of noble titlery to be writing to Points of View shortly.

Speaking of which, I did, however, like Robin's snooty butler.

Sort of begs the question why they keep attempting action shows and then wonder why the international market never picks them up.

No it doesn't. It asks the question. Begging the question is something else entirely; to whit, the process of making an argument using its own conclusion as a premise.

Exposition provided by Dredd thinking exactly those things the reader needs to know and nothing more.

Necrotising Fasciitis Weekly, incorporating Bizzare Bacteria World.

leaving aside his closet Squaxx-ness


Leaving it aside? Are you kidding? His closet Squaxx-ness is the most important part of the proceedings.

What about a bucket or a paper bag? They go atop your head and aren't hats.

Option two sounds good. Like live aid, but with sheds. And without the aid.

Hoff course, someone could make the effort to get it back on topic.

So, uh....


'Sup, y'all?