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It would seem that all the housemates are insane.

Today's example is Mikose:  she's had unprotected sex and assumes she's pregnant so she goes into the diary room and says "I'm going to have the baby, but I'm never going to tell the father".  At that point it cut away to another scene, presumably because Big Brother was asking "What colour is the sky in your planet?"

After presumably being informed of exactly how f*cking stupid she was being, in the next scene she is discussing taking the morning after pill:  surely a better approach to the situation of having drunkenly shagged a randy pretty boy in a jacuzzi without any kind of contraception than day-dreaming of the fictional joys of single-parenthood.

Tweak - have you any nukes left?

Dudley - yes, I think so.

{Mental note to self:  try not to get on wrong side of JEB...tendency to want to beat everyone up apparent.}

{Addendum pudendum:  damn, I've probably just failed.}

{PS:  I only say that because 50% of your posts involve beating people up.}

{Footnote: although 50% is probably completely wrong and should be taken as a metaphorical value.}

{NB:  rest assured, after this post, I'll just go and beat myself up - so no need for anyone else to bother.}

Amstor - you missed out the best bit - Saskia and Maxwell were getting it on under the covers, and the noise of their smooching was evidently keeping Kermal awake:

Kermal:  "When will this ordeal end?  I'm sure you've got your magazine deal by now."

[After a heated exchange, Maxwell pours a glass of water over Kermal.]

Kermal:  "Well, at least someone's got wet tonight.  I know Saskia hasn't."

Kermal 1  Maxwell 0

The problem Science has is this:  he recognises complete twats quite easily, but then, instead of just killing them, he talks to them.

Craig has the most irritating voice and his "at the end of the day-ayyyyyyyy" catchphrase makes me cringe.  Oh, how I wish he would spontaneously combust.

:: Hmmm. But she hasn't, has she?

Well, I'm no expert on horse's arses, despite any rumours to the contrary.  She's not my cup of tea, but then, as a mere silhouette, who am I to judge?

My sister's views on the new girl:

"She keeps showing everybody her tits because she's got a face like a horse's arse."

This aggression from Mega-Tweaky One will not stand!  Launch retaliatory strike!

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Usher, she was initially quiet and withdrawn.  By not joining in immediately, the rest of them (pretty much definitions of outgoing) decided that she was not "one of them" and "too boring".

Lesley bullied her by hiding her make-up.  She tried it on strong with a couple of the housemates (varying sexes) but got knock-backs (perhaps because she was too full-on).

If being slightly introverted and enjoying sex with a variety of partners is a crime, well...

Saskia has become "queen of the house", by being attractive, mainly.  She is resented because the crowd cheered her and boo'd everyone else weeks ago.  Since then, her obvious power has bred resentment from the other housemates and, this week, has backfired on her.

It is true that she spends most of her time being worshipped by her man-slave (Maxwell), his sidekick (vain white boy)and her court jester (the highly vulgar obnoxious self-obsessed hairdresser with bad hair).

You'll notice that no women are included amongst her friends.  This has led to a matriarchy forming amongst the 2nd group of housemates, consisting of the black princess, the incredibly camp seneschal, the glyph-like other woman and ... erm ... oh, they're all blending into one now.

Anyway, this all resulted in Saskia and Maxwell being up for nomination this week:  on hearing the news, Saskia proved exactly how shallow she is be pointing out that "people that leave this early don't get remembered".  She's in it for what she can get out of it.  

Interesting that, upon realising that she was up for eviction, she chose that evening to finally give in to her man-slaves lustful desires, whereas before she was content to keep him at a distance.  Trying to garner fame / votes?

One thing's for sure, it's not love.  She gave him a hand job on the couch and when she'd finished (and he'd 'finished') she said "right - you can bugger off now", which (surely) is the equivalent of post-coital rolling over and starting to fart.

Quite how I know all this without having watched a single second of the show...

I am speaking to you now from inside my highly amusing radiation suit (replete with false boobies and a very modern cod-piece):

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This is to protect me from tweak as I say:

There is no race war.  The vain young white boy wants to shag the black princess with the afro wig, whilst also hating Science, the loud obnoxious black rebel without a clue.

The posh black tory hates Science so much that he said he was tempted to join the BNP.

Science hates everyone, except he doesn't, except he does:  all this dependant on which way the wind is blowing and not on skin pigmentation.

Everyone hates the posh black tory, due mainly to his poshness, overbearing attempts at authority and the fact that he calls them all peasants.

Everyone hates Saskia and her slave-boy because they're having some form of mutual sexual gratification:  this is jealousy, and nothing to do with his hairy white arse poking out of the duvet covers as the sound of a rapidly moving hand are clearly heard through their genital-microphones.

And so on...for weeks...every year...Tweak!  Tweak!  Help meeeeeee!

I have spares if you need 'em, tweak:

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Anyone remember "Wardner"?

In Micro Machines if you put your name in as "c*nt" the machine would say "c*nt knocks you off the track" and "c*nt wins!"

What do you mean I'm easily amused?!

Who's Cliff Robertson?

Wouldn't he just say "Drokk!" instead, whilst conveying the meaning of your longer dialogue through the subtle but nuanced posing of his chin?