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Author Topic: The Older Dads Thread  (Read 1368 times)

Krakajac

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The Older Dads Thread
« on: 06 March, 2019, 08:59:55 am »
Apologies if this isn’t the sort of thread that should be posted on the forum.  However, most of the members here appear to be considerate and well-meaning - and full of sage advice.  You only have to look at the ‘black dog’ thread to see proof of that.

Good news - it looks like my wife and I are going to become parents - after 9 attempts at IVF and 3 attempts at donor eggs.  Not to mention my wife having to deal with a bout of cancer.

In a nutshell, I’m 48 years old - and I’m having some ‘issues’ coming to terms with the idea of being an older Dad.  I know it’s normal for expectant fathers to have some anxiety (financial pressures, will I be a good Dad?, etc.).  But my situation is somewhat compounded when I do the maths and realise how old I will be at the various stages of our child’s life, etc.  Reading 2000AD for 40 years has given me an over-active imagination!

I wish I could be more positive about our circumstances - but I’m finding it hard to keep the negative feelings at bay.  The last thing I want to do is upset my wife.

I’m wondering if there are any older Dad’s on the forum who could possibly give me some reassurance that ‘everything will be alright’?

And yes, I realise it’s something of a first-world problem - but I would greatly appreciate some words of wisdom from someone who’s been there and done that.  I’m considering talking to a professional - but I figured like-minded 2000AD fans might be a good place to start.

Thanks,
Craig.


The Legendary Shark

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #1 on: 06 March, 2019, 09:43:54 am »

I've never wanted children so I have zero advice to give. All I can say is that the people I've known who have had children seem profoundly and positively changed by the experience and that older parents seem to me to be better, more thoughtful and more patient parents. I'm sure you'll do great.

And, of course, congratulations!


Krakajac

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #2 on: 06 March, 2019, 11:15:22 am »
Thank you, TLS.

shaolin_monkey

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #3 on: 06 March, 2019, 11:26:28 am »
I recommend you listen to Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre podcasts.  As well as being excellent in general, he talks quite a lot about having two very young kids at his age (50).

I've had three kids, and my latest partner and I are looking to adopt (I'm currently 46).  What I will say based on my past experience of kids (they are teenagers now) is GET ANY HOLIDAYS ABROAD IN NOW, before the birth.

Taking kids on holidays abroad is almost impossibly expensive, plus a real ballache in terms of logistics.  Plus, really young children do not fly well, and will invoke the hate of the entire passenger list all aimed in your direction.  It was tough doing that in my thirties too - I can't imagine how tough it will be at our age!  I guess I will find out shortly.

sheridan

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #4 on: 06 March, 2019, 11:57:22 am »
I wish I could be more positive about our circumstances - but I’m finding it hard to keep the negative feelings at bay.  The last thing I want to do is upset my wife.


Assuming that there's no easy way for anything you post here to get back to your wife - feel free to share any concerns you have here - we can be your virtual extended support network without putting pressure on your wife.


No advice to give, though there do seem to be a few famous but still relatively normal older fathers these days (such as the afore-mentioned Richard Herring).  Speaking of which, National Richard Herring Informing People Who Haven't Discovered Search Engines When International Men's Day* is in two days time ;-)






* NRHIPWHDSEWIMD

Krakajac

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #5 on: 06 March, 2019, 12:09:34 pm »
Thank you for the podcast reference.  I’ve actually never listened to a podcast - so now is probably a great time to learn, I guess!

No chance of anything getting back to my wife - not that I would be worried in the slightest if it did.  In fact, I’m sure she would be quite happy that I was discussing my issues with other people.

Also - no dramas with overseas holidays at this stage.  Will quite happily wait until the child is older.  We live in Australia, so I guess our travel options are a bit different.  Always been quite envious of those living in the old country and having access to the splendour of Europe!
« Last Edit: 06 March, 2019, 12:18:49 pm by Krakajac »

sheridan

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #6 on: 06 March, 2019, 12:54:33 pm »
Thank you for the podcast reference.  I’ve actually never listened to a podcast - so now is probably a great time to learn, I guess!

No chance of anything getting back to my wife - not that I would be worried in the slightest if it did.  In fact, I’m sure she would be quite happy that I was discussing my issues with other people.

Also - no dramas with overseas holidays at this stage.  Will quite happily wait until the child is older.  We live in Australia, so I guess our travel options are a bit different.  Always been quite envious of those living in the old country and having access to the splendour of Europe!

No need to be envious - we only have free movement until the end of the month, after that it's anyone's guess!

Krakajac

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #7 on: 06 March, 2019, 01:35:36 pm »
Ha!  Yes, I thought of that immediately after I pressed the POST button.

gurnard

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #8 on: 06 March, 2019, 03:15:09 pm »
I became a father at 39.  I got 2 kids and now I am 49.
I was not as old as you are now but still older than most around.

One definite advantage was that by 39 I had done a lot and calmed down already a hell of a lot compared to my 20's and most of my 30's so giving up some nights out was not so much as a drastic change as it was if I was younger.

But all I can say is it changed my life in a positive way. As long as you just jump in and go for it. If a child is what you want they just throw your all at that for now. I will be honest the first couple of years can be a bit tough but they pass and with every month it gets easier.

The age comparison thing crosses my mind also I will be 50 next year and my kid is 10.  When I was 39 I thought that was going to be crazy but to be honest if anything the kids have kept me younger physically and in my attitude to life in general. I thought I was going to be shit at it but having that great imagination you talked about is only going to be a bonus and make you a great Dad.

We are built to have kids like all animals. It is the most natural thing you can do. Just do it and take it as it comes. I think you will find it easier and less worrying if you live in the moments that come with your child.

Best of luck and go for it man it really is an experience of a lifetime :-) 

Hudge_Jeeley

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #9 on: 06 March, 2019, 05:57:53 pm »
I had one kid at 30 and one kid at 41....I can safely say that I'm a much better parent now than I was when I was younger. More patient, less prone to worrying. The biggest problem was it was a lot harder to stand up again after changing a nappy at 41 ;)

Life finds a way and being a parent is an amazing experience which you'll love!

moly

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #10 on: 06 March, 2019, 06:50:37 pm »
I was 41 when my daughter was born and will be 49 this year, although it can be depressing thinking ahead ie when I'm 60 she will only be 19 but the main thing is I think we are quite chilled bringing her up and if anything it's a great age to have a child you've done all the stuff you wanted to do, going out at the weekend isn't a big issue and we spend a lot more time with her than my parents did when I was a kid.
Also it makes you appreciate every moment with her.

Funt Solo

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #11 on: 06 March, 2019, 06:54:41 pm »
I was 41 when my daughter was born and also had some worries about my age.  I'd echo other's sentiments: it's really quite tiring and time consuming, but also incredibly rewarding.  Me being older means I'm a bit more stable, but have a little less energy as well.

The first couple of years are tough due to lack of sleep: they pretty much need constant looking after, communication is difficult and I find crying very difficult to listen to.  My partner and her family have been a wonderful support - single-parenting must be outrageously difficult.

Getting to know my daughter as she's moved from being a pooping, wailing thing into being a considerate young person learning about the world continues to be a daily high point of my life (although, still, not always easy by any means). 

According to average stats, I'll probably die when she's about 37.  Man, that only gives me about three decades to finish that basement insulation project...
fate amenable to change

IndigoPrime

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #12 on: 06 March, 2019, 07:45:51 pm »
First, congratulations, Krakajac! Secondly, I was knocking on 40 when we had mini-IP. I do think about it, and Mrs IP wishes we'd had a kid at a younger age, for all the obvious reasons. But mini-IP is loved (the main thing) and, fortunately, so far secure and well looked after. I'm sure negative thoughts will keep arriving, but would that really have been much different at another age?Presumably, they'd have just been different worries?

From my own standpoint, I had zero experience with kids, and didn't particularly like them. That all changed the second mini-IP arrived, and although I handled her a bit like a fragile china doll at first, now we're playing swinging and zoomies and all sorts, even if daddy's back sometimes gives out.

I will, however, one piece of advice that was given to me before mini-IP arrived: if you like the cinema, pack in the films now. You won't be going much again for some time – or if you do, it'll cost a bloody fortune.

CalHab

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #13 on: 07 March, 2019, 08:36:13 am »
Congratulations! You're far from alone here. Older Dads are quite common, judging from my daughter's peer group. You've got the benefit of life experience, which will be invaluable. One bit of advice I'd give is to try to get into shape before the due date (if you need to), as I was surprised by how physically demanding parenting can be.

There's also one other, very important, point. Being a Dad got me back into 2000AD- episodic content is perfect when you have little free time and are likely to be interrupted at any moment!

Radbacker

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Re: The Older Dads Thread
« Reply #14 on: 07 March, 2019, 08:39:13 am »
Congrats I myself just had my first on 2 years ago at the age of 42, like you I was worries about being an older father and thought my daughter may get teased when she goes to school about having a granddad for a dad but if you look around its becoming the new normal to have your kids later and really no disadvantage to the kids.  Like others have mentioned it actually is an advantage as you tend to be more grown up and have much more time for them.  I'm also of short attention span and was worried that after a coupl of months I'd get board of her but what do you know 2 years later and she's still the center of my world and the best thing I've ever done!!
I just found out 2 weeks ago she's going to have a little brother or sister around October/November so very happy again.  Good luck you'll find its the greatest thing ever to happen to you.

CU Radbacker