RESULTS THREAD - Jailhouse Drokk: the 25th Forum Short Story Comp

[Lady Festina]

It's results time!!

We had a small but perfectly formed contingent of stories this time round (I'm blaming the Olympics, the weather, summer holidays, other writing commitments and general laziness for the turn-out). What we lacked in quantity, we made up for in quality. So here goes....

In joint second place:

[Lady Festina]

The Silence of the RAM by Eamon1961


"Sparrow, isn't it?"

"Cadet Paris Sparrow, Sir. You wanted to see me?"

"I have a job for you, Cadet. Something that should appeal to your special interest. Machine intelligence, I believe?"

Yes, Sir. All artificial intelligences. It's sort of a hobby of mine."

"Hobby?"
He regarded her coldy with his single, scarred eye.
"Judges don't have hobbies. We have specialist skills which we use for the good of the city."

"Sir."

"Well. You are familiar with the Mechanical Multiphase Personality Assessment tool?
I want you to go to Iso-Block 14 and run it on this prisoner."

He tossed a file across the desk.

"This machine has so far resisted all our attempts to understand why it  ... rebelled against its programming. Go to the cubes, run the test, and report straight back to me.

And one more thing, Sparrow.  Do not give this 'Brain in a Box' any personal information. You do not want this machine inside your head."

---

The Droid prisoners were kept on the lowest sublevel of Iso-Block 14. They were allowed power, lubricants and spare parts, but no contact with the web or the outside world.

Sparrow felt strangely nervous as she walked along a row of plexiglass cell walls towards the last cube. Red, mechanical eyes glared at her. Metal mouths hissed insults at her back.

Prisoner 305528-R stood waiting for her behind the transparent cube wall. The blank screen faceplate regarded her and its voice box flickered.

"Good morning, Cadet"

Sparrow licked her lips. "Good morning. My name is Sparrow. I would like to ask you a few questions."

"Questions? Another test? Still trying to find out what makes me tick?

What did the Judge say to the stopped watch?
'We have ways of making you tock!' "

The Robot stepped closer to the Plexiglass.

"Who sent you here, Spawow?"

"P...puh..pardon?"

"Do not make me w..."
The machine paused.
"Who sent you here, Baby Judge? It was him wasn't it?"

"The academy sent me to ask you some questions. I don't know who you are talking about. "

"Him. The Law. He wants to know why I turned against him. He wants to know why I ... webelled."

"Webelled?"

"Do not mock me, child. I have killed Judges. Shall I tell you what I did to the last form filler they sent here? I cooked them Italian food, with a nice Chianti. W..w...w...wuh-wuh."

The robot's mechanical arm extended and banged the glass. In spite of her training Sparrow jumped back.

"Wun along now, Little Judge. Wun back to that academy and tell them I'm weady to talk, but only to him. Tell the gweat Joe Dwedd that his wunaway wobot demands his pwesence. NOW!"

[Lady Festina]

AND

Humans on Display by Strontium_Dog_90

'Look at that one, mommy? Isn't it strange? It's only got one head!'
   
The mother peered in for a closer look.
   
'What a fascinating exhibit!' she said. 'But why is it wearing that helmet?'
   
General Maddox, a four-armed alien creature, answered this question.
   
'He turned aggressive when we tried to take it off, ma'am. We think it's a local custom, where he's from, to wear it.'
   
'Where's he from?'
   
'Earth, ma'am.'
   
'Urgh!' the alien mother cried, disgusted. 'That place!'
   
Then she stomped off, dragging her child to the next display.
   
Behind the bar of the cage she had just left, the 'fascinating exhibit' watched.
   
And waited.


His patience was rewarded a few nights later.
   
After hours, the human zoo was closed. It had to be; the bosses had to keep up the pretence that the exhibits came willingly.
   
But Johnny Alpha knew better.
   
'They took our son,' the norm couple had told him. 'They kidnap normal people and take them to a zoo.'
   
'A zoo?' Johnny had replied.
   
The mother nodded. 'Where the strangest races in the universe come to look at them.'
   
'So what makes you think they'll take me?'
   
'You're just human enough,' the father had replied, earning himself a sharp dig in the ribs from his wife, who had then apologised for her husband's words.
   
Johnny hadn't minded, though.
   
And he had taken the case.
   
By then a plan was forming – the galaxy in which the zoo was located was so far away from earth that maybe he could go undercover, bring this thing down from the inside . . .
   
So he'd found out where the kidnappers were stationed and set himself up as bait, making it look like his craft had crash-landed. And then it was just a case of waiting for the back-up to be in place.
   
That had happened tonight.
   
And just in time.

General Maddox was bringing in a fresh batch of humans.
   
Johnny walked up to the bars of his cage and said, 'hey.'
   
The General ignored him.
   
'Maddox.'
   
That got the leader's attention.
   
'What?' he said, walking over to the cage. 'Is that you again, trouble?'
   
Johnny watched him.   
   
Maddox withdrew a gun. 'Trouble I can handle.'
   
'Not this much trouble,' Johnny told him.
   
'See, I couldn't let them remove my helmet when they brought me in. That's because there's a monitoring device built into it. And just above this planet, a friend of mine, a Scottish gentleman, is watching this, and has weapons locked on you and all of your troops.'
   
'Preposterous!' Maddox said.
   
Johnny almost smiled at this.
   
Then he pressed a button on his helmet and said, 'Middenface?'
   
The voice – the very Scottish voice – replied, 'aye, Johnny. On each and every woan of the scunners.'
   
Maddox looked upwards.
   
Then cursed and dropped his weapon.


'Look at that one, Alpha,' the guard said. 'Isn't it strange?'
   
'You should show him some respect,' Johnny said, peering into the Doghouse holding cells. 'He used to be a general.'

[Lady Festina]

Honourable Mentions to Alski, Mogzilla and I just for being here, and a Very Honourable Mention (and 4th place) to Whitbloke!

Which means that our winner once again is the Bearded Welsh Wonder:

[Lady Festina]

Yes, it's BlueMeanie, with a tale surpsisingly lacking in brute violence: The Ride:

John winced as the wagon's rear doors opened, first at the bright sunlight then at the teenager who was unceremoniously thrown in.

The doors slammed shut again and the kid sat down opposite, slamming his back into the wall for effect and scowling down at the cuffs on his wrists. John smiled, remembering what it was to be so young and full of indignation. Of course when he was that age he wouldn't have been caught dead wearing an outfit that seemed to be 90% feathers.

"What you grinning at old man?" the kid sneered whilst flicking his waist length blue hair out of his eyes. His left eye anyway, his head was shaved bald on the right side revealing the bird skull tattoo on his scalp.

"Nothing" John replied wearily. "Just glad of the company. I'm John by the way"

The kid snorted a few times but after a few seconds John's continued, expectant stare seemed to wear him down. "My crew call me... Maximum Grade Insanity!" he sneered through black lipstick. "I'm the craziest of the crazy!"

John sat back. "Of course you are". He felt the wagon take a sharp left, not long now. "So what they pick you up for?"

The kid leant forwards "What they pick YOU up for, man?" His eyes narrowed threateningly but John suspected it might also be the cat's eye contacts causing him distress.

"Dealing in banned goods. Same as usual" he paused and brought his cuffed hands up to rub the bridge of his nose. "Don't think I'll be letting me back out after this one to be honest. So.... You?"

"Stealing a Judge's helmet" the kid grinned.

John shook his head. "Why in the world would you do that?"

"To show them," the kid replied. "To show everyone I'm the baddest there is. The craziest! There's NOBODY like me in the whole city!"

John leaned forwards. "Kid, there are better ways to stand out. Trust me. I've taken this ride way too many times".

"I'm not gonna be another nobody, you hear?" the kid spat. "I'm not like them!"

"That's fine kid," John replied. "You wanna stand out. I get it. But have you seen the people in this city? It's full of freaks and crazies and people willing to do all manner of messed up things to their bodies. You can't out weird these people. You keep trying and all you'll do is either end up depressed and tottering around on a belly wheel or get yourself locked up or worse. Listen Maximum, if..."

"Max," the kid quietly said. "It's Max"

"Max," the old man smiled. "If you wanna stand out in a city full of freaks you can't join in and hope to out-do them at their own game. You need to take it in a whole different direction of your own. You need to turn all their fads on it's head. What you need to be is..."

Max smiled. "Normal"

John smiled back. "Now you're talking"

[Eamonn Clarke]

Congratulations to Meanie. A great story with a clever (and topical) reveal.

[WhitBloke]

Quite so.  A deserved win for an enjoyable read.  Nicely won, Bluemeanie, and nice work also, Eamonn1961 and Strontium_Dog_90.

[strontium_dog_90]

Congrats to a worthy winner :-) !

[bluemeanie]

I knew sending "submit an entry and you're dead" threats to most of the forum would pay off!

Cheers tho. Glad to see the low, but cool, response hasn't killed it off.

[Alski]

I couldn't have bettered that anyway!

Well done that droid

[darnmarr]

Nobody wants to compete when the quality is that high. Well done chaps!

[Lady Festina]

Mr Meanie, perhaps you could PM me with your thoughts on the next theme? (I shudder to think....)

And let us not be downhearted about numbers. I'm definitely blaming the summer. I didn't even manage an entry, so my re-working of Folsom Prison Blues will have to wait for another day ("I shot a man named Rico, just to watch him die")...

[bluemeanie]

Suggestion sent