Ball 'n' chain

[petemaskreplica]

This one's mostly for all you married types, I guess.

As some of you are aware, my brother's getting married next month. Anyone got any good gags he can use in his speech?

[Tiplodocus]

I always recommend a book by MITCH MURRAY (used to write for Bob monkhouse) which is all about how to deliver a speech at a wedding (as well as containing some fabulous gags). It tells you the basic strucutre of your speech, how you can make it so you can tailor it easily on the day depending on how things are going, how to make the speech sincere. Best ?10 ever spent. It will also help out the father of the bride and the best man.

Peter Kay is a also great source of good, clean one liners.

But I wouldn't recommend doing to many off-the-shelf gags - these things are best if personalised.

[SiriusB]

One of my best mates didn't use any of those self-help, formulaic speech books and his speech went dowm a storm, the best I have heard yet (and I used to work at wedding functions so I have heard a few), just remind him people will be on his side and want to have a laugh so it doesn't need to be 'graphic'.

[Devons Daddy]

i have been present at hundreds of weddings.
due to my work.

the best speeches are self defacing humour,
always start with MY WIFE AND I.
useing the books mentioned above are a very good idea. they give you the structure you need.

something for high value of WOW. if you have any non brit geusts of an older generation.
try to say a few words of welcome in their language.
ask some you know to write it in phontics
as in say it as it is spelt. you may not get it comletey right. but everyone will be very impressed.
goes down well,gets a high level of respect from all around.
then the jokes and the thankyous.
and thank the bride for agreeing to marry him.
she will like that.

trust me its worth a few hours of work.i have seen some terrible ones,some where even i wanted to cry with joy and i didnt know the guy. and once even saw a fight break out due to the speech. so be aware.its an important part of the day.

[Devons Daddy]

best one i ever saw.
the best man did it blues rendition style.
of his speech. backed by a bass giutar and drummer. very basic but damn impressive and funny.
talked of there time together as buddies and meeting the now wife.
how his life as he knew it ended and his best buddies has just began.

with the bit at the end of how he got the job as best man based on his friendship not due to dancing skills.
but he was happy to embarress any potentail dance partner upon request.

[JamieB]

Leave the dirty jokes for the best man's speech. The bridegroom's speech should be relatively dignified; do the assorted thank-yous, compliment the bride, etc. Get it all down at least a week in advance as he'll have plenty of other stuff to worry about on the day.

J-Bo-1

[Trout]

The best joke I ever heard at a wedding - because it scandalised many of the elderly relatives - was this:

"When I realised I'd be making a speech, I prepared a few lines."

Sniffs loudly.

- Trout

[Oddboy]

My brother's 'Best-man speech', directly after my own 'Groom speech' started off well with this:


"I always knew it would be a hard job to follow Nathan's speech...and was hard to follow his speech."

He also had a visual gag running, whereby he'd pocket a speechcard when any joke got a laugh, and throw away a speechcard if a joke didn't.

[Matt Timson]

"I went to a wedding last year and I really enjoyed the Groom's speech because it was a bit unusual.  He pointed out the fact that in all the weddings he'd ever attended, nobody had once bothered to thank him for his trouble- so that was what he was going to do.  Sure enough, he walked about the room and thanked *everybody* for something or other- telling a small, amusing anecdote for each.  It was brilliant.

So first of all, I'd like to thank Allistair Martin for being unable to attend today.  It means I can nick his speech..."

Matt Timson, somewhere in Cornwall, Jan 2004.

I avoided all gags and made the 'jokes' personal ones.  The best laughs come from the digs you make at yourself, rather than the person you're talking about (although you do get to tease them a bit as well).  It's also a good opportunity to tell people how much you you really care about them and how much you appreciate the fact that they're in your life.

General consensus was that it was the best Groom's speech they'd ever had to sit through.  Despite it taking a long, *long* time...

:)

PS- In the unlikely event that I ever have to get married again, I'm going to tell a joke about some nuns, mumble incoherantly for a bit and thank everyone en masse before starting a fight with my new brother in law.

[Trout]

Oh, and Pete, please reassure your brother that the groom's speech is the easiest one to do.

He just has to thank everyone, really.

- Trout

[Tiplodocus]

Sirius B - your mate is lucky if he can write a good speech without any help. I'm always amazed how little emphasis is giving to public speaking skills in this country. My brother's speech at his wedding last year was the first time he had ever spoken in front of more than six people and he was thirty five years old.  I'm lucky enough to be able to write decent speeches as well (sic) but that Mitch Murray book is a genuine help for 99% of people.

Your point about the audience being on his side is spot on. Everyone WANTS the speech to be good and to laugh. So even the slightest thing will get them going.

Pete -
Don't go into rambling anecdotes about the time he got his head stuck in a portaloo that are only funny to the four people that were at the event otherwise you will the other hundred members of the audience - a simple one line reference to an event is often enough.

Oh and graphic and dirty is definitely a no-no for all speeches. You can be a bit more risque than you'd think but certainly don't swear.

Another good point is that a "punchline" doesn't always have to be a joke.  Saying something sincere will have as much impact as a gag.

[Oddboy]

Yeah I didn't even write mine...just thank everyone you can think of, say how pretty / cute the bridesmaids are (if appropriate, if they look like a horse's arse, find some other way to compliment them) - give pressies to all friends/family working on the day for you (ushers, bridesmaids etc) and your / her parents if they've helped in the planning/cost of the wedding.
By the time you're through with that, they'll be begging for the Best Man's speech.

[Dudley]

Get hold of The Bluffer's Guide to Public Speaking.  Costs about ?2, tells you everything you need to know about structure.  

[GordonR]

This one went down a storm in the best man's speech my wife's sister's wedding:

(to the bride)
"Remember, your wedding night's like the weather forecast....(pause for punchline)....you know it's going to snow, but you don't know how many inches you're going to get."

Cue the sound of a pin dropping.

[judge dreddd]

back of private eye...firm..fax notes about your bruv...they fax back speech that makes you look ace


if in doubt

CHEAT